Second child anxieties - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 10 Old 01-02-2012, 07:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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DS is almost 21 mo and I'm a SAHM, always been very close. We got pregs w/DS2 a bit before I felt ready, but are fine with that! However, I've been feeling more and more torn about this second child and what it's effect will be on our family and DS. He's my baby still, I'm not ready for him to grow up and be a big bro!

I think my main concern is how can I possibly love anything else like I love and care for him?? Is it possible, does it just happen? It must, I know, but I just can't fathom it now!

As for his feelings, I totally trust DH w/the newborn and have already told him he'll need to do something w/DS2 regularly so I can have alone time w/DS1 and I know he won't be starved for attention. I think it's really more me and my anxieties!

 

Whoever's BTDT, what are your experiences? Anyone in the same boat as me or am I being crazy? I am totally feeling some resentment towards the baby almost (though I'm excited and want him totally, of course), it's making me feel so guilty, please tell me I'm not the only one?


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#2 of 10 Old 01-02-2012, 12:31 PM
 
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Oh, I can totally relate.  DD will be just turning 2 around the time this baby arrives, and she is still such a baby to me.  I really miss co-sleeping with her.  She's very affectionate and loves her mama time, so I'm savoring these last few weeks we have to ourselves.  I have no idea how I'm going to deal with the guilt of splitting my time between two kiddos.  OTOH, I don't feel like she *needs* me in quite the same way she used to....she's able to turn to DH and others for comfort and is doing such a wonderful job learning to express herself verbally.  

 

And this is a slightly different issue, but...I feel weird to be having a boy this time.  It's brought out some unresolved feelings I have about boys and men.  I have a hard time imagining feeling the same kind of love for a boy that I do for my daughter.  I don't exactly know how to explain it but it's been nagging at me for a while now.  :/


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#3 of 10 Old 01-02-2012, 06:31 PM
 
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My DS was almost 3 when DD came along. I remember wondering how I would love two people the way I love DS and actually being really emotional about splitting my time and attention between the two! I think once the new baby comes, those feelings naturally fade as you realize you do have that much love to give and see the special relationship that develops between siblings. I think it is important to spend one on one time with both children and for DH or SO to do so as well. Everyone needs time to bond alone. We also read books to DS about being a big brother so that he would start to see how special his position in the family was going to be.

I think all your feelings are natural. Work through them, embrace them, but in the end it works itself out.


Wife since 2004. Mommy to DS (2005) and DD (2008) and my hopefully VBA2C baby DD due Feb 2012!

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#4 of 10 Old 01-02-2012, 08:12 PM
 
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I have been having many of the same feelings as well. DD2 is due on DD1's 3rd Birthday, so they'll be further apart than your LO's but I still worry about being able to split my time between the two. DD1 is very attached to me, and although she is attached to her father as well, I am usually the only one she will allow to comfort her when she's hurt, sick, etc. She frequently climbs into bed with us at night and then when she's ready to go back to her own bed, she only wants ME to do it, and of course I'll have tiny DD2 snuggled up to me... it's things like that that make me worry about how we are going to handle both girls, but I imagine things will just work themselves out. To prepare DD1 though, we've been reading her books about our upcoming homebirth and have been talking about baby Shelby for months. She enjoys talking about her and often kisses her and sings to my belly :) I'm also going to order her "What Baby Needs" by the Sears and "Welcome with Love" to add to the birth books we've already been reading to her.

 

On a lighter note, I remember feeling as though there was no way I could love a baby as much as I loved my cats before DD1 was born... then she came along and I couldn't have imagined the depth of love that I then developed for her. I am assuming that the same will happen when it comes to loving DD2, and that I will quickly reach the point where I can't imagine our family without her. Plus, like what Jaysmylilpunkin mentioned, I am really looking forward to watching that special relationship develop between the girls :D


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#5 of 10 Old 01-02-2012, 09:43 PM
 
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Our #1's are only 2 weeks apart, and I know Im feeling the same way. The other day I was talking to a friend about how DD would feel, how DD would react, and preparing for DD's meeting the newbie and she mentioned to me that I would love this new baby just as much as DD and that I would be surprised at how much I would be thinking about the new one just as much (if not more) than DD. I was shocked. It had never occurred to me until that moment that there was a possibility that I could care about someone's every movement as much as hers, even though this one has been living inside my body!

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#6 of 10 Old 01-04-2012, 05:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh, I'm glad I'm not the only one...and to hear that it will be OK! DH just said yesterday out of the blue, ya know I think we have SO much love to give Sweet Pea! So I guess I'll rely on his confidence too:)

Thanks for bringing up books, I keep meaning to get some from the library!


Lovin my boys jumpers.gifDH, DS1 (4/7/10), and DS2 (2/19/12)...and - surprise! - another on the way
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#7 of 10 Old 01-04-2012, 07:25 AM
 
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I am the odd one out here, because I have not had these feelings. I am a little sad that our relationship will be forever changed. But just like everything else in life, we will take it in stride and *hopefully* move on gracefully. With minimal hiccups (crosses fingers).

 

And I almost feel that it is going to be easier for me to love this new one right away, because I won't be so engrossed and taken back by all the newness and worries of having a first child. Even with my son's birth, since I didn't know what to expect, I almost was more focused on that than the birth itself. I am a super crybaby, and for some reason, I did not cry when he was born. I think I was just so overwhelmed.

 

I am also looking forward to my son having a little brother. I know he won't enjoy the true benefits of a little brother the first year or so, but down the road, I know they are just going to love each other. :)

 

If you ask him, he will tell you that when his little brother gets older, they are going to ride bikes, climb trees, and swim in the pool. I LOVE this!


Michele married to Dh since Dec 2000 and happily sharing a home with 3 kitties, 1 doggy, DS R born 8/25/09 into the arms of his mama, and DS E born 2/25/2012

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#8 of 10 Old 01-05-2012, 06:24 PM
 
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1blueheron - I completely understand the ambivalent feelings about a boy!!  I really don't understand why I'm feeling this way, but it just seems like I won't be able to love this guy the same way I love my daughter.  I grew up with all sisters so maybe it's just not knowing much at all about little boys.  I haven't had any negative experiences with men, but most of the men in my life are not super emotional or affectionate so maybe I just can't picture the same level of affection with a little boy as with my little girl. 

 

I know so many mamas though that talk about the special bond they have with their boys, so I'm hoping (expecting?) my feelings will change once he is born and that I'll be surprised at the strength of love I have for him. 

 

I also worry about DD will adjust - we do so many things together and i am a little sad that our exclusive relationship will be ending and that I won't be able to give her as much attention, but at the same time I loved having sisters so I also feel excited that she will be able to experience having a sibling.

 

 


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#9 of 10 Old 01-06-2012, 03:20 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaShannon View Post

To prepare DD1 though, we've been reading her books about our upcoming homebirth and have been talking about baby Shelby for months. She enjoys talking about her and often kisses her and sings to my belly :) I'm also going to order her "What Baby Needs" by the Sears and "Welcome with Love" to add to the birth books we've already been reading to her.

We are actually taking a break from the new baby books!  DH observed that even though she keeps asking to read them, it seemed to be stressing DD out.  I think she's really trying to process the idea, but she's super duper sensitive.  At not quite 2 years old, I think she understands just enough to make her feel unsure about the whole thing but not enough for it to really make sense.  (At least that's my guess, it's hard to get into that little head!)  


grateful mama to DD1, born before the robins came, 2010.  excited to welcome a little man into the world in early February 2012! kid.gif

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#10 of 10 Old 01-06-2012, 11:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1blueheron View Post

We are actually taking a break from the new baby books!  DH observed that even though she keeps asking to read them, it seemed to be stressing DD out.  I think she's really trying to process the idea, but she's super duper sensitive.  At not quite 2 years old, I think she understands just enough to make her feel unsure about the whole thing but not enough for it to really make sense.  (At least that's my guess, it's hard to get into that little head!)  



Yeah, so hard! I know they understand so much more than we might think at this age, but what?! If I ask DS where the baby is he'll point to his belly or mine, so who knows. He also, though, doesn't pay any attention to any babies we see, he's so not interested in them. I just can see him after the baby comes saying all done for him (like he does for anything that takes my attention from him!). I guess you never know.

It's funny that some of you mention how different genders will be, I think having another boy seems more competitive for love, whereas if it were a girl it'd just be so different and easier to love them as much but in a different way. We were hoping for another boy, though, so it's not that I just wanted a girl or anything, I've always had a soft spot for little boys and their fun, rough nature:)


Lovin my boys jumpers.gifDH, DS1 (4/7/10), and DS2 (2/19/12)...and - surprise! - another on the way
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