Pregnancy after loss - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 124 Old 07-14-2011, 04:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've noticed that there are a few other mamas here in the same boat, unfortunately.

 

Last night, I lost it completely for the first time. DP got home from work and I was bawling. The first things he asked were: "are you bleeding?" and "did it happened again?". Actually, everything appears fine, and I feel ridiculously pregnant.

 

But, I am struggling to cope. I am so damn scared it's not funny. I'm hormonal, and worried, and so very dizzy. I do have this underlying "good feeling" about this pregnancy, which I've not had before, but I can't help thinking that my history will dictate otherwise. The hardest part is, that I can't really talk to anyone about it. My friends, my family, the SANDS ladies, even DP - I can talk to them, and tell them, but they just don't get it... How could they? And everyone just tells me to be positive. I get that. And I'm trying. It is doesn't seem humanly possible to be positive all the time.

 

This first trimester stuff is supposed to be so exciting and thrilling and I feel like those feelings don't belong to me. I'm trying to do the stuff that I *think* normal mums would do, like making a little beanie and blanket, and maybe layby some baby stuff at the EOFYS. I just know that I will go to my scan on Monday, and have renewed hope, and it will start to feel more real, but I'm scared that the more that I hope, the harder I will fall if it goes bad. 


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Forever missing our little ones lost
 
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#2 of 124 Old 07-14-2011, 05:00 PM
 
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Yes, to everything you said, all the way to the dizziness. I ahve not even introduced myself because I am too scared. I found out two days ago and I am 13 days dpo. So, I am so very newly pregnant. But I already go through all these emotions and even though I feel much more positive this time around. I had this weird feeling about my last pregnancy, that I don't have this time. But who knows, everytime I get excited, i tell myself, it might all get taken away again.......

I get it! Good luck to you!

 


me, wife and mama to ds ('06) and dd ('07), my miracle dd ('12) and surprise ds (5/14) and to plenty pets!

 twinsbrokenheart.gifbrokenheart.gif2/11, lost another twin brokenheart.gif 8/11

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#3 of 124 Old 07-14-2011, 05:11 PM
 
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Same here.  Hopeful yet scared silly.  I know it does no good to worry, but that seems like all I can do. 

 

Still not introducing myself yet.  Don't want to jinx it.

 

13dpo and dizzy :) 

 

 


Robyn 3/26/07

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#4 of 124 Old 07-14-2011, 05:15 PM
 
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Hi Shannon! March, 23rd for you, too then???

We will be due date buddies:)


me, wife and mama to ds ('06) and dd ('07), my miracle dd ('12) and surprise ds (5/14) and to plenty pets!

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#5 of 124 Old 07-14-2011, 05:21 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChiaraRose View Post

Hi Shannon! March, 23rd for you, too then???

We will be due date buddies:)



Yep!  and it'll make my kids 5 years apart almost exactly.

 

Cautiously hopeful!  :)  And exciting to have a due date buddy! 


Robyn 3/26/07

angel1.gif 2.06 11 weeks, 3.10 6 weeks, 11.10 8 weeks, 7.11 5 weeks

 

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#6 of 124 Old 07-14-2011, 05:50 PM
 
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I had a miscarriage before having my first son 7 years ago and that pregnancy was just so different for me than many first time mamas - I just kept expecting the worst.  Even though I have two children now, with this pregnancy, when I have told a few friends I say "well, I got a positive pregnancy test, but who knows what will happen."  I think they are all surprised at my non-celebratory feelings.  I'm not quite expecting the worst this time around, but I am also very much in the "maybe it will work out/maybe it won't" category. 

 

I am sending many, many hugs out to you mamas!

 

Nicole


Nicole, mama to a seven year old wonder and a three year old joy and caretaker to 3 kitties and 9 hens. 

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#7 of 124 Old 07-14-2011, 05:59 PM
 
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I'm definitely in that boat and I had no idea I would be terrified for so long. I've never managed to be this pregnant before. I keep thinking the next stage of information gathering will comfort me but it isn't working. So far I've seen the heartbeat twice (for which I am very grateful) but there is always some little thing wrong in the ultrasound to worry about; first I had two non-doubling beta that suddenly picked up, then an ultrasound with a perfect heartbeat/embryo but a slightly small gestational sac and now I am panicking about the embryo being three days behind in gestation. I've given up. I think all the time about "our next IVF attempt" like it will be sometime soon or "will this be an eight week miscarriage or more like ten?"

 

I can tell this is pretty crazy but I can't help it; so far I have had four/five miscarriages and ZERO live births. I absolutely CANNOT participate in any conversations about naming this baby or buying things for it. I am doing a little better that I am considering maternity clothes (apparently if you are short torsoed your uterus has nowhere to go but forward so I actually need some clothes). Right now my plan is to just knuckle down and wait for the end of this trimester in late August.


Beth, wife to Cass and SAHM to the little french goose, 6/17/09...and now also mom to a second wee girlie 2/6/12. Nursing with low supply, domperidone and a lact-aid.

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#8 of 124 Old 07-14-2011, 06:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, I'm so sorry that there are many of us. 

 

Chiara and Shannon, I totally get how you're feeling.  The last couple of times I've been too scared to do anything but stalk DDCs.  This time I decided I would jump right in and participate as much as possible.  Congrats to you both.

 

Beth, I think I have a bit of pregnancy OCD.  I google and obsess over everything, such as my betas (as some of you may have noticed!)  The whole reason I started the thread is so I could feel less crazy, or perhaps we can just all feel crazy together. 

 


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Forever missing our little ones lost
 
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#9 of 124 Old 07-14-2011, 06:24 PM
 
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It's okay if you're not positive all the time.  I couldn't even do the things I thought I "should" be doing. I just did what I could.  For me, yes, PAL was very scary, but at the same time I wanted to enjoy every moment I did have with my baby - for however long that was.  Now she's 3, but none of us ever know how long we'll have.  The worry doesn't stop after baby is born either!

 

It's completely normal to be scared of u/s.  I used to love them.  Now the thought of them makes me very nervous. I'm not as scared as I used to be, but it's not the same as before for sure.  There's anxiety with u/s.  I've gotten bad news at u/s.  My SIL has gotten bad news at u/s.  Even with this pg (3rd after loss) I still worry.  I'm not the same blissfully unaware mom that I was before loss. I don't count on having a baby at the end of 9 months.  Sometimes I wonder how long this will last.  I'm not as young as I used to be.

 

But I still want to enjoy it.  I know that worrying and being upset is not going to change the outcome, nor is it going to make it less painful if I should lose this baby, but at least I would know that I spent as much time as possible enjoying this baby while I have the chance.  It may be days, it may be weeks, it may be years. 

 

It's crazy how a previous loss affects us.  My last pg was unexpected.  I had other plans.  Baby didn't really fit into all the things I wanted to do.  I tried to pretend I could do all those things anyway and I could, but in my mind I couldn't be completely present in pg and do them so I spent my time doing, not really thinking much of pg.  Then I started spotting and I couldn't stop crying.  I could barely talk.  DH was wondering what was wrong.  I couldn't believe how deeply it hurt to think I may lose another one - one I was still trying to wrap my head around the idea of having.  Thankfully, things went well.  I can't believe he scared me like that!  He's a year old now. :)

 

Still...here I am, avoiding all the loss posts because I just don't want to fall into that sadness.  I just want to enjoy the moments I have.  I may never, ever be pg again.  I don't want to miss it.  I feel like I "missed" a lot of my last pg keeping myself busy with carrying out all those plans I had. I still have guilt over that.  I didn't even realize it until I found out I was pg again this time. 

 

I totally understand those that cannot participate in naming or buying things for baby.  Since my loss I really haven't wanted to buy much at all before baby was born.  Only what was necessary and only close to delivery time.  This time I feel the same.  I don't want to know gender.  I don't even want to think of names, there is time for that later.  I do not feel like buying a bunch of baby stuff.  My youngest is only a year old.  We have baby stuff somewhere around the house I'm sure.  I don't want to assume or jinx anything!

 

(((HUGS))) hang in there mamas!


Stacie (34)
DH (34) ~ DDs (14, 11, 10) ~ DS (6) ~ (11/06) ~ DD (3) ~ DS (1) ~ Surpise BFP 7/2011 pos.gif

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#10 of 124 Old 07-14-2011, 07:34 PM
 
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i think  "cautiously excited" is about all I can handle.  I didnt know losses could happen, I mentioned not telling people until it was safe, and the response was, oh no worries, thats really rare...  Apparently not.  I was blindsided when it happened.

 

 I swing from absolutely certain I'm going to lose this one to absolutely certain we'll magically have twins (my best case scenario so I only have to go through it once ) and will have a perfect pregnancy.

 

And I've been spotting for 5 days, and the other girl who was spotting similarly just had a mc that I feel so badly for, but I'm so worried it will happen to me.  I feel guilty, but I'm relieved it didnt happen to me.  yet at least.  The really strong pregnancy symptoms help, but all I can do is take care of my health and follow the rules while pretending not to be pregnant, so I just forget for a while.

 

Hugs, only 40 more weeks to go, right?

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#11 of 124 Old 07-14-2011, 07:44 PM
 
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I'm right there with you about being "cautiously excited". Today we had a viability scan, and saw a precious little beating heart. I'll probably feel better in a few weeks when the odds are better. I hate to say that, but it is just this uneasy feeling. I have people to talk to that have been there before, but the people that haven't don't really get it. I got pregnant RIGHT after the miscarriage - three weeks after, and before a regular period.

I wish all of you the best - sticky bean dust for all of you!hearts.gif

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#12 of 124 Old 07-14-2011, 08:18 PM
 
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I have had 4 successful pregnancies. We lost our 5th baby on Mother's Day 2010. I had Mirena in place when the baby was conceived. Just as we got over the shock and started getting really excited, I lost the baby. 

 

This time, I am nervous even though I know circumstances are different. I can't bring myself to put the pregnancy on my signature line much less tell anyone IRL that we are expecting. There is an undercurrent of hope though.

 

Wishing all of us a healthy pregnancy!


Wife of 20 years to my superhero firefighting DH. SAHM to 2 boys and 2 girls (3 babies in Heaven- Baby # 5 5/2010 & Baby #6 8/2011 & Baby # 7 2/1013). Cancer Survivor 2011 ( Persistent Malignant Gestational Trophoblastic Disease)

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#13 of 124 Old 07-15-2011, 07:42 AM
 
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I'm here with you.

 

Ours is a long and winding story, but the Reader's Digest Condensed version is:

 

2 kids from my previous marriage. 2 years + infertility treatments to conceive our 7 1/2 year old. Stayed open to life since then, figured after all those years that was it. Felt called to adopt, started that process 1 1/2 years ago. Got through it and approved last October, 2 days later found out I was pg.

 

Started bleeding at 9 1/2 weeks. Ultrasound showed baby had passed and measured 6 weeks.

 

Re-started our adoptive search in February. In March found out I was pg again. Ultrasound at 8 weeks showed baby had passed and measured 6 1/2 weeks.

 

Early June we were matched with a newly 2 year old girl, final placement with us was June 24th. 2 weeks later, after 1 cycle, + pg test and here I am!

 

I am 42, will be 43 if we make it to delivery. I am really busy with our new daughter so I don't have as much time to dwell and obsess as I did the other 2 times, which is probably good. I am trying really hard not to envision anything past today. We have an appt on August 4, at 8 weeks, and we'll see if the baby is alive or not.

 

This time, i find myself not wanting to tell people. I have this notion that they are all tired of getting excited for us then we have to tell everyone the bad news, or that they'll think we are crazy for not avoiding pregnancy after the losses. Mostly, though, I don't want the focus off dd, we waited so long for her and she's here, right now, not a maybe child but one that's here.

 

 


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#14 of 124 Old 07-15-2011, 08:31 AM
 
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Same boat..  Struggling to enjoy it.  :(

 

Depending on calculations, I'm either 6 or 7 weeks pregnant, so early March due date.

 

I feel pregnant this time.  And compulsively taking tests every few days keeps turning up brilliant, instant positives.  But it is hard to believe that it's real, or that it's going to last, or that the next time I use the toilet I won't find blood. :(  Dh knows.  I'm hesitating to tell the rest of my family, as I don't want to put them through more needless worry and concern for me.  They're wonderful, always, but I feel like after 3 (one of which, I was living at home with them, and taken care of by them), another one would be just too much to upset them with.

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#15 of 124 Old 07-15-2011, 09:27 AM
 
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I've had 2 losses and 2 "high risk" pregnancies that resulted in my 2 beautiful children.  I am really so very emotional.  I'm about 7 weeks today, and I haven't had any signs of problems yet and I definitely feel pregnant.  But, DH and I haven't told anyone.  Every time I feel a cramp I think "oh, thank god I didn't tell anyone yet..."

 

My first U/S is on the 26th and that feels soooo far away (I will be about 8.5 wks).  It won't make me feel tons better anyway because I lost my twins at 9.5 wks after seeing their heartbeats several times.

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#16 of 124 Old 07-15-2011, 11:19 AM
 
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I am having a hard time in my head but doing a good job pretending to be confident on the surface then my DH told me that he isn't ready to get excited and doesn't even want to know about what is going on inside me because it wont be real until we see/hear a heartbeat =/ That really was a slap in the face. I didn't realize that he was that pessimistic about it and i didn't think it would effect me as much as it has =(

 

Then again with the boys he didn't believe it or even want to feel kicks because it wasn't real to him till they came out. Lame DH


twin boys born 11/28/08, pregnant with #3 due 3/13/12

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#17 of 124 Old 07-16-2011, 10:52 AM
 
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I've had 3 m/c in the past 2 1/2 years and I'm so happy to be pregnant again.  I'm staying positive and remembering that Trust eliminates Fear.  It's easy to get fearful but it won't change anything.  Only make things worse.  Enjoy this time for your baby's sake.  Remember, your baby feels your emotions.  (Also Rescue Remedy helps me- I take it at least once every day!)  Love to all you  mamas.  I know what you are going through.  Hang in there. 


Amy,  organically growing 5 homeschooled sweetieshomeschool.gifhomebirth.jpg5 lossesbrokenheart.gifbelly.gif due this summer!
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#18 of 124 Old 07-16-2011, 12:24 PM
 
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I lost three pregnancies and then had two sons 16 months apart. My first son was born with a birth defect and we felt that maybe we were not meant to have kids for a reason. Then the second came along. I lost another after the boys, about three years ago (my youngest son is 4 yrs) and now here I am again. Even though I now know that my body CAN have children (doctors told me for years that I couldn't because my uterus is actually divided in half so I have two sides and no one thought I could have children. Turns out it was an E.coli infection that caused the first three m/c and my uterus is more than capable!) I still don't enjoy pregnancy at all. I'm nervous throughout and worried at every cramp and spot. 

 

 

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#19 of 124 Old 07-16-2011, 04:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So sorry that there are so many of us.

 

freelancemom, I have a uterine anomaly also.  Mine is Unicornuate - do you know what yours is? 


          Me & him and our beautiful fur boys Duke and Chopz
Forever missing our little ones lost
 
How we survive, is what makes us who we are - Rise Against
 

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#20 of 124 Old 07-16-2011, 06:44 PM
 
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I've lost 2 and I've had bleeding with my son and with this pregnancy. I know the terror. I'm having a hard time enjoying this pg so far. :(


Mom to angel baby, grew wings at 5 weeks in May '07, William, born Dec '08, and another angel who grew wings at 8w4d (lost at 11w) in Oct '10. Rachel born Feb 2012, Another angel Lost Sept '13. New bean due Nov '14!
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#21 of 124 Old 07-16-2011, 07:11 PM
 
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I lost a pregnancy in March at 7 weeks. I could never really wrap my head around being pregnant, but kinda went along with it. I felt a strange disconnect, hard to explain. My symptoms were not really there, I was just extremely tired.

 

This time I feel very different, and feel more positive. I have felt symptoms since before a BFP, and the nausea just won't let up and I am only 5 weeks. But it is hard for the voice to not creep in and think there may be something wrong again. This is a tough place to be. My husband is super excited though, so he keeps me positive when I am feeling down.


mama to ds 6, dd 4, & ds who arrived March 2012

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#22 of 124 Old 07-17-2011, 01:15 AM
 
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It looks like there was a good reason to remain cautious, my bleeding has escalated with cramps that started out in 5 minute waves but are now more random.  This makes my second miscarriage, and hopefully I'll be through it before work monday, but I'm really grateful that my body recognized it.  My super sniffer declined and my boobs deflated, so I had a clue it was coming.  the first missed miscarriage was so much worse, a month of waiting for natural, then another 7 weeks before my period came back so it was a full quarter before we could try again, then not knowing I ovulate really late and missing the window.

 

I'm feeling prety at peace, and am making plans for what I want to do.  I'm going to get back to my normal workout and weightloss plan, go on a beach vacation, and get the house more in order.  Bracing for the worste seems to have helped mentally.

 

i wish all you momma's the best of luck, and happy and healthy full term babies.  And on the plus-side, statistically, you guys are safer because it happened to me, right?

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#23 of 124 Old 07-17-2011, 02:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So sorry mama

          Me & him and our beautiful fur boys Duke and Chopz
Forever missing our little ones lost
 
How we survive, is what makes us who we are - Rise Against
 

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#24 of 124 Old 07-17-2011, 05:04 AM
 
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I'm so sorry to hear this.


Our rainbow1284.gif family: mommytea6.gif and DW mama luxlove.gif our 4.5 yr old DD 'Z' notes2.gif and 2 yr old DD 'S' femalesling.GIF and hoping for baby.gif

 

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#25 of 124 Old 07-17-2011, 05:40 AM
 
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So sorry this has happened...
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#26 of 124 Old 07-17-2011, 06:42 AM
 
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thank you so much ladies, I really appreciate it.  

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#27 of 124 Old 07-17-2011, 11:17 AM
 
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Oh no, I'm so sorry.

mama to ds 6, dd 4, & ds who arrived March 2012

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#28 of 124 Old 07-17-2011, 02:43 PM
 
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I'm sorry for your loss. :(


DS: 18 DD: 15 DD: 8  angel1.gif 11/10  angel1.gif 4/11
  adoptionheart-1.gifDD: 3  angel1.gif 8/11

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#29 of 124 Old 07-17-2011, 02:46 PM
 
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I am so sorry, Baconlover. 

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#30 of 124 Old 07-17-2011, 08:10 PM
 
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I'm so sorry :(


Robyn 3/26/07

angel1.gif 2.06 11 weeks, 3.10 6 weeks, 11.10 8 weeks, 7.11 5 weeks

 

TWINS due 4.03.13

 

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