Feeling really stupid, but...worried about baby's eye color - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-08-2011, 10:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know there's nothing I or anyone can do about it and it's a totally silly thing to worry about, so I have no idea why it has me stressing. Maybe some mamas here can give me encouraging words. This is seriously the stupidest thing I have ever worried over in pregnancy.

 

DD1 has the hugest, most oddly colored eyes and literally everywhere we go, people stop and gasp and comment loudly to her and each other about them.

 

Then I read her the Little House books and a frequent theme in the book is how brown-haired, brown-eyed Laura is always so jealous of her sister, Mary, who has blond hair and blue eyes. It's mentioned so often in the books that I started (irrationally) to worry about having a second girl and what her eye color would be.

 

Sometimes I worry that I will have a daughter and she will constantly have to hear comments about her sister's eyes from strangers and might be jealous that she doesn't get the same kind of attention. I don't want one girl to be jealous of her sister because people might comment more.

 

It's stupid, I know. I mean, it's absolutely ridiculous!

 

Thanks for listening, even if I do sound crazy. I really think I'm just emotional from hormones.

 

I wish I could worry about things other parents worry about like whether I should start saving for college or if he/she will make friends easily or not mind rear-facing in the car. Not whether she will be jealous of her sister.

 

And, now that I think about it, I should probably have a good talk with my SIL to ease my fears. She has five girls all brown-haired and brown-eyed except the oldest who has blond hair and blue eyes. She probably has some great advice, or she could just laugh at me. Either way, I might feel better about it. eyesroll.gif

 

Do you ever have really stupid, nonsensical fears about your unborn?


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Old 08-08-2011, 10:58 PM
 
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What color are her eyes? What about yours and her daddy's? There is a chance that her sibling will have the same or similarly colored eyes. You can actually calculate the percentage if you know the colors.

That being said, my best response to when DD questions something like that is "We're all different in our own ways. The world would be a very boring place if we all looked exactly the same." It works like a charm with her.

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Old 08-08-2011, 10:59 PM
 
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I totally understand your concerns. I worry about that a lot with my twin boys. They are supposedly identical (I'm still not convinced) they are looking more different the older they get and I worry about people referring to one as the "cute" or "handsome" one. Growing up I went to school with fraternal twins that couldn't be more different, One was 6'3'' and skinny and really handsome and the other was 5'8'' (at best) and super heavy and pimply and he had a bad attitude that I am sure is from constantly being teased. I always felt so bad for him and I fear that my kids will end up like that. 

 

As far as your concern goes It might be fine because she might have some other attribute that is "better" than her sister. My sister has always been taller than me but has a more boyish figure and I have a more curvy figure so while I am always on the heavier side of "normal" my sister is on the lighter side and it works out, some people find me more attractive and some her. If your next daughter ends up with a darker complexion she might just be attractive for different reasons. 

 

hug2.gif Don't worry, you aren't silly and I'm sure there are people out there with just as "weird" concerns. 


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Old 08-08-2011, 11:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, I can calculate. I have brown eyes and DH has blue eyes, so I have a 50/50 chance of having either blue or brown-eyed children. DD has super intense blue eyes.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by cameragirl View Post

What color are her eyes? What about yours and her daddy's? There is a chance that her sibling will have the same or similarly colored eyes. You can actually calculate the percentage if you know the colors.

That being said, my best response to when DD questions something like that is "We're all different in our own ways. The world would be a very boring place if we all looked exactly the same." It works like a charm with her.


 


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Old 08-08-2011, 11:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess eye color really isn't what I'm worried about at all, more that I want my kids to be the same. I don't mean totally the same, of course, just that I want people to see them as the same, not one being "smarter" or "cuter" or "prettier" than the other one. My mom always told me I was the "smart one" when I was a kid and when I got older, I wondered if it ever hurt my brother's feelings. Surely it did! Especially since he was gifted and went to a special school and I didn't. Not that I would ever think one of my children was better than the other, I just don't want THEM to think that.


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Old 08-08-2011, 11:25 PM
 
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My first thought is that sisters will find a way to be jealous of each other no matter what! It's just part of the sister dynamic. Growing up, both my sister and I got the sense that she was "the pretty one" and I was "the smart one". There was some jealousy on both sides, but we were also really close. As adults, we both see that our levels of intelligence and beauty are really quite similar. The jealousy and labelling had more to do with our personalities; we're both pretty competitive! And we're still very close as adults, too.

It's late and I'm rambling, but I think that my point is that temperament will play a bigger role in how your kids relate to each other than any real (or perceived) differences.


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Old 08-08-2011, 11:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you! That helps a lot!


 

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Originally Posted by lilkat View Post

My first thought is that sisters will find a way to be jealous of each other no matter what! It's just part of the sister dynamic. Growing up, both my sister and I got the sense that she was "the pretty one" and I was "the smart one". There was some jealousy on both sides, but we were also really close. As adults, we both see that our levels of intelligence and beauty are really quite similar. The jealousy and labelling had more to do with our personalities; we're both pretty competitive! And we're still very close as adults, too.

It's late and I'm rambling, but I think that my point is that temperament will play a bigger role in how your kids relate to each other than any real (or perceived) differences.



 


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Old 08-08-2011, 11:39 PM
 
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I felt that way too as a child. My sisters were praised for being smart, resourceful, etc. I was the middle child and didn't get the attention that either of them got. In the end, it comes down to your parenting. Praise them for what they are good at, but don't put labels on them. Don't make comments that one is the prettiest, the smartest, etc. They'll naturally be jealous of each other, but getting fair treatment from parents goes a long way.

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Old 08-09-2011, 05:18 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilkat View Post

My first thought is that sisters will find a way to be jealous of each other no matter what! It's just part of the sister dynamic. Growing up, both my sister and I got the sense that she was "the pretty one" and I was "the smart one". There was some jealousy on both sides, but we were also really close. As adults, we both see that our levels of intelligence and beauty are really quite similar. The jealousy and labelling had more to do with our personalities; we're both pretty competitive! And we're still very close as adults, too.

It's late and I'm rambling, but I think that my point is that temperament will play a bigger role in how your kids relate to each other than any real (or perceived) differences.


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My sister and I had the smart one/popular one thing going on, but this was something we knew from figuring out ourselves and/or coming from people at school, NOT from our parents.  I think that was really important, that our parents always went out of their way to make sure both of us were treated as fairly as possible and never put any labels on us or favoured one of us.  So yes, there was jealousy, but it never really hurt our relationship.   But I have heard a lot of stories of estranged siblings that originated in hurt feelings because one sibling felt that parents or family consistently favoured the other sibling.     

 

 


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Old 08-09-2011, 05:31 AM
 
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My daughter gets the same commentswhen we go out. She got her dad's BIG eyes, but despite him having hasel eyes and my having blue, her eyes are a strange colour, usually very grey but occasionally green, and she gets a ton of comments about them -- always has, even before they turned colour (they used to be my exact colour blue until she was 17 months old).

I never really thought about jealously over it though. I am pregnant with another girl, and I do sometimes think about one possibly being prettier than the other and one feeling poorly about it. I think that even if one sister is substantially prettier or has unique qualities that people notice more, the key is giving your kids a healthy self esteem. I think that as long as parents noticabely embrace their kids' good qualities that a little bit of jealousy won't harm them any, that's just natural.

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Old 08-09-2011, 06:17 AM
 
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I agree with lilkat.  Also, I would hope that grown ups would clue in and realize that they should say something nice about everyone.  Growing up, my sister and I looked pretty different -- she had green eyes and straight, blond hair; I had blue eyes and curly, brown hair.  We each were complimented on our eyes, and people commented on her blond hair and my curly hair.  It all evened out in the end.  We also got along fairly well, or at least left each other alone when we didn't; if we wanted to get offended over what people were saying about the other sister, I'm sure we could have figured out a way.  lol.gif


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Old 08-09-2011, 02:08 PM
 
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We live in Guatemala and I'm fairly pale, with blue/green eyes, my husband is a regular Latino, dark eyes, skin, hair, etc. When my first son was born, he had the weirdest silver eyes and was super white. When my husband went in to see him, the doctor told him the baby didn't look much like him and was he sure it was his? Lol. Well, that son ended up being more Latino, his eyes turned brown a few weeks later and he is a skin tone closer to my husband than myself and his hair is dark brown.

 

My second was born with super blue eyes and almost blonde hair. Obviously, around here, that causes a stir. People were ALWAYS commenting on his looks and his eyes, to the point that he would stand and open his eyes really wide and stare at people until they said how adorable he was. :P Totally went to his head. I was really worried that it would affect my older son, but he doesn't seem to care too much. I think in part because we personally don't put emphasis on looks. We tell them that we're impressed with their skills. My older son is a total computer whiz, so we compliment him on that and the other son is super good at building stuff, so we encourage him in that. They seem to identify more with what they like and what they do than by the way they look. I think your attitude is more important. Focus on the things that they can control, rather than eye color and such which is certainly not something they will be able to change (well, except through contacts). 

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Old 08-09-2011, 10:01 PM
 
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Ya know, initially this does seem silly, but if I remember back to when I was expecting my second, I remember struggling with the same kinds of emotions.  I remember thinking dd1 was PERFECT.  How she looked, how she talked, her personality and interests.  I remember being nervous when I was expecting dd2 that she couldn't be as good unless she was identical, and hoping she would be.  Of course that is impossible.  I remember really stressing about it.

 

Its funny to look back and remember that great fear I had back then.  I totally forgot.  Thanks for reminding me!  Now I'm expecting child number six.  I have four daughters and one son.  Everyone is so different in their personalities and while they look like siblings, each is unique in their own way.  And, oh how sad it would be if they were all the same.  It is just amazing how much each one adds to our family that we didn't even realize was missing and how varied their interests are.  After I realized that with my second, it has never crossed my mind since til I read your post.

 

They will each shine in so many unique ways.  Just focus on that and they will feel great about who they are.

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Old 08-09-2011, 11:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hug2.gif Thank you!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by 8inTulgeyWood View Post

Ya know, initially this does seem silly, but if I remember back to when I was expecting my second, I remember struggling with the same kinds of emotions.  I remember thinking dd1 was PERFECT.  How she looked, how she talked, her personality and interests.  I remember being nervous when I was expecting dd2 that she couldn't be as good unless she was identical, and hoping she would be.  Of course that is impossible.  I remember really stressing about it.

 

Its funny to look back and remember that great fear I had back then.  I totally forgot.  Thanks for reminding me!  Now I'm expecting child number six.  I have four daughters and one son.  Everyone is so different in their personalities and while they look like siblings, each is unique in their own way.  And, oh how sad it would be if they were all the same.  It is just amazing how much each one adds to our family that we didn't even realize was missing and how varied their interests are.  After I realized that with my second, it has never crossed my mind since til I read your post.

 

They will each shine in so many unique ways.  Just focus on that and they will feel great about who they are.



 


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