I hate to post about more loss, since it brings things down and most on here will have fine healthy babies, but I lost mine too and thought getting some feelings out might help me a little.
We went for a short vacation with my husband's family, told them, they were ecstatic, then 2 days later I had a little pink mucus. I wasn't very worried until I felt a little pain. We wound up driving home a day early and stopped at an emergency room 1/2 way just to be checked out. After hours they finally told us the baby measured 7 wks 5 days but there was no heartbeat. I am confused because 9 days before it was 6 wks 2 days with a normal heartbeat, and grew well but then died. I know it was probably beyond my control but kept thinking of everything I did the day before and wondering if I did something wrong.
I have so many conflicting feelings and it is hard to sort them. I think, we are no worse off than we were 2 mos ago, and we knew this could happen, and we got through it. Then I think of how happy my husband was (the guy who doesn't like babies), and how hard I tried to do everything right, and I somehow feel like a failure and tricked at the same time. I think I am not that sad after all and then I burst into tears.
Since this was my first pregnancy it leaves me with extra questions. Early on I had a clear thought that I was pregnant but was not going to have a baby, yet I feel optimistic that the next time will be fine - and I am not someone who even believes in knowing something you have no way of knowing, or "everything happens for a reason." I keep looking for information, but only end up feeling worse when I do, reading about people who had 3+ miscarriages in a row. The only thing that makes me feel better is hearing about others who lost a first baby and then had a healthy one. I keep thinking whatever happens, chances are very good that I will have a healthy baby eventually.
Thanks for letting me vent and sending you all well wishes.
Sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage, which I found out about at my 12 wk appt, 3 weeks after the baby stopped growing. I waited another 2 weeks, then finally had a D & C. I got pregnant again about 4 months later and have a healthy almost 2 year old now. During that pregnancy and this current one, I just don't feel a lot one way or the other until I know things are going well (trying to protect myself, as I took that first loss very hard). I felt betrayed by my body, and now am just a little jaded about the whole process. Check out the loss boards for support, and know that it is normal to feel up and down.
Oh Ozzy, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can totally relate to the feelings you wrote about, and it is hard to sort them all out. I think it's especially difficult the first time you go through it, since so few people talk about it. It's one of those things that you know can happen to you in theory, but you're never prepared when it does happen.
I found the pregnancy and birth loss forum very comforting as well. I hope you can get the time and space you need to sort your feelings out and start healing.
Mom to DS(14), DS(12), DD(9), DS(6), DS (4), and DS(2)
I have Stiff Person Syndrome and my other car is a candy apple red Rascal. Feel free to ask me about it.
Mama to 5 amazing little people, and a surrogate mama to another.
Avid Unassisted Birth supporter/Mama
I am so sorry for your loss. :(
Try not to spend too much time worrying about more miscarriages. I have lost 3 in a row, but among the women I know, I am unusual in that regard. Most who have had to deal with miscarriage have had only one.
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