Moms with 5+ year gap between kids? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 21 Old 08-22-2011, 12:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm just kind of curious, since most of my friends irl have their kids spaced the standard 2ish years apart (some friends have lapped us twice, and had three kids after we had our first!)  We had thought our daughter might be an only, but finally decided to throw caution to the wind (we are over-planners!), and she'll be 6.5yo when this new one is born.  I'm REALLY excited about the age gap, as far as my dd's adjustment goes, as well as my ability to feel good about my mothering (I think I would have had a tough time caring for 2 little ones at the same time).  But- I have to admit to being a little apprehensive about how this will change our fairly calm little existence as a family of three with an older, fairly independent child.  On the one hand, I think "oh boy- I GET to change diapers again, nurse, etc.!"- and on the other, I think "how can we go back, when life has finally gotten so easy?!"

 

Anybody else in a similar boat?

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#2 of 21 Old 08-22-2011, 01:55 PM
 
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My DD will be 5 when this one is born. It wasn't my ideal spacing (I would have preferred 3 years), but now I am sort of excited about it. I will have had 5 years to thoroughly enjoy and focus on my DD, and now I get to have another baby and do all of that stuff again. My SIL is about to have her second 1 year after her first and I just wouldn't like that spacing at all - I was NOT ready for #2 when DD was 1, and I am so glad I got to really enjoy her being a baby, and a toddler for awhile. She will be headed off to Kindergarten shortly after the new baby is born, so I feel like I really dedicated those years solely to her. I have heard from moms of kids close together that they didn't realize what a "baby" their oldest still was when their younger kids were born until they had their last child. You end up feeling like your 1.5 year old is a "big kid" when you have them very close together.

 

 

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#3 of 21 Old 08-22-2011, 02:15 PM
 
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My oldest will be 8.5 and my youngest (soon to be middle I guess smile.gif) will be 4.5.

 

I think it's natural to be worried about how a new baby will change the dynamic of your family...because it will. But it will be a good change over all.

 

 


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#4 of 21 Old 08-22-2011, 02:48 PM
 
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There are 5 years between DD & DS, & there will be almost 6 years between DS & the baby. In many ways, it's easier. DD handled the adjustment to a new sibling better than she would have at 2 or 3, & DD started kindergarten about 6 months after DS was born. So it was nice to have a lot more 1 on 1 time with DS without feeling like I was ignoring DD even more. On the other hand, it's harder finding something that interests 2 kids so far apart in age. And now with child #3 on the way....Its also hard getting back into baby mode with having it easier with more independent kid mode.

There are pluses & minuses to each. I think it's just more common to have then closer together.

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#5 of 21 Old 08-22-2011, 04:34 PM
 
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My oldest will be turning 9 and my youngest will be coming up on 8.  I'm looking forward to the change and the kids are super excited too.  There's been a lot of talk by them about their anticipation and what they can do to help when their brother or sister arrives.  I loved having the two of them so close together and now it's really neat to experience them spaced so far apart.  We're all ready with hearts wide open!


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#6 of 21 Old 08-22-2011, 05:11 PM
 
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Wow, I can totally relate to this.  I had my son young (I was 21 when he was born), and he's 11 now.  I miscarried at 14 weeks 7 years ago, and it was really rough for me.  After that, we made the decision not to have anymore, and my husband eventually ended up having a vasectomy.  Well, life goes on, and we decided that we really want to try again.  So, here comes the vasectomy reversal!  One of the only things holding me back in the beginning was the big change it would bring due to the age difference.  We only have 7 more years of having Jared at home (assuming he goes away to college)!  And we're going to introduce a new baby now?  But we both want it so, so much :)  I think Jared will be fine with it.  And as someone had mentioned, in a lot of ways it will be easier than having a couple of little ones at the same time.

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#7 of 21 Old 08-22-2011, 05:11 PM
 
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My oldest was 8.5 when #2 came, and 11 when #3 came.  On one hand, it is wonderful to have the help.  The tough part for me is the division of activity types.  My 12 yr old has softball games and theater performances, and well, my 3 yr old and 1 yr old do not sit.  Things like that.  But it is also very neat to see the attachment between them.  And thinking ahead when my now 12 yr old is a freshman in college, my #2 will be almost 10yr.  We had a full time nanny that was a freshman, when I WOHM, and my oldest was 10 then.  She really looked up to them.  And, my 12 yr old told me there is no way she is having sex and chancing having someone to take care of like them until she is thirty, Lol.

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#8 of 21 Old 08-22-2011, 08:44 PM
 
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There will be a 10 year age gap. We have friends who also have the same kind of age gap between their kids. It's almost like having two only kids lol. I'm not at all worried about the age difference. I think it's great.


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#9 of 21 Old 08-22-2011, 08:54 PM
 
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I don't think it will be bad for a parent but if it's a big gap I feel the child will suffer. I have 3 siblings all over 15 years or there abouts older than me. I don't know them from a stranger on a street and I feel I really missed out. I was definately an only child and to this day have zero relationship with them. While I needed someone they were off building their new families so it left me bitter to be frank and honest.

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#10 of 21 Old 08-23-2011, 01:59 AM
 
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Mine won't be so far apart, but I come from a family of 8 children with some pretty big gaps. My oldest sister is 21 years older than my baby sister.  There are two 5+ year gaps, and no one is closer than 2 1/2 years.  We are all close, and while I remember being 5 and being pretty concerned that the new baby was going to take over all the love, she turned out okay winky.gif.   My baby sister is leaving for University tomorrow, and today she actually admitted that she loved being the youngest because we all knew so much more than her and she could learn from all our mistakes.  She basically has lived with 6 mothers (let's be honest, my only brother wasn't too concerned with his sister who was 18 years younger than him.)  Anyway, I really think that babies are be a blessing no matter when they come and that the attitude you cultivate in your home about that baby will shape how your other kids feel about him/her.  We were always told that there was more than enough love for each of us, and we needed to show that love as well.  Now that we are all adults the age difference means very little.  I am just as close to my oldest sister (8 years older) as I am to my youngest (13 years younger) and I love having them all in my family. 


"Well behaved women seldom make history." Laurel Ulrich   To make my mark I familybed2.gifnovaxnocirc.giffly-by-nursing2.giffemalesling.GIFhbac.gif waterbirth.jpgcd.gif adoptionheart-1.gif, among other things,  and try to live a sustainable, natural life. My brood includes DD1, DS1 2 and 3, and expecting another in Aug 2014. 
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#11 of 21 Old 08-23-2011, 11:36 AM
 
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My DD will be 8 when the baby gets here. 

 

I was 5 years older than my brother, and as kids, we got along, but I didn't think we were all that close.  That is, until we visited him recently, and he reminded me about all these cool things we did together as kids, and how we supported each other through the hard times w/ our parents, (our parents divorced when I was 9 and he was 4, and our dad had some mental health issues, but we HAD to go visit on weekends by court order).  Like we would be at dad's, and we would be missing our mom, and be scared about dad or his crazy girlfriend, and we would sleep in the same bed holding hands.  happytears.gif  We knew we had each other, and he knew he had me to watch over him when things got crazy.  We did fight quite a bit, too, but I think that's normal, lol.  Now I see how close we really were, and it seems we are getting even closer now that we are adults, even though we live across the country from each other.

 

I was concerned about DD and the gap, but she is totally excited.  I reminded her that babies cry and poop, and need a lot of attention, but she's also the oldest cousin in the family, so she's been around babies a bit, and she says she's totally down for it!  Sheepish.gif  She asked us the other day what we planned to name the baby, and we said it was too soon to really decide, but we told her she could help w/ that, too and give us ideas if she comes up w/ anything.  She is very caring and warm, so I am certain she will make an excellent big sister.

 

I, too, am trying to get back in baby mode after having an independent child for so long.  We were shopping for school clothes last weekend, and I saw a ton of babies out, mostly in baby bjorns thumb.gif and some strollers, and saw toddlers w/ their moms going in/out of the bathrooms, and it reminded me of how nice it is to have a child who can wipe her own butt...then I remembered I was pregnant!!  LOL!! 


~Christy crochetsmilie.gif, mom to DD Sage (12-2003) joy.gif and DS Isaac (04-2012)  babyboy.gif, wife to Josh geek.gif.

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#12 of 21 Old 08-23-2011, 03:53 PM
 
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It sounds like some of you have told your kids about your pregnancy. We haven't, & I'm 8 weeks. It would be easier to tell them, but I'm afaid that if something goes wrong, that the process of explaining it to them would be too hard. For those of you who gave told your kids, why did you tell them when you did? Just wondering! smile.gif

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#13 of 21 Old 08-23-2011, 05:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My dd had noticed that I'd had several trips to the Dr. for blood draws, etc. and was telling me how worried she was, asking if I was really sick, etc.   We told her after we saw a heartbeat on u/s-- and I'm glad that we did because I have been quite sick with ms, plus I needed her to understand to be more gentle with me, etc.  She's been great- voicing some excitement and some normal concerns.  We did tell her that sometimes things go wrong, that it's unlikely, but that if it happened we would all be sad, but Mommy would be safe and we'd all be okay together.  I've been through losses before and, to be honest,  if the worst should happen I'd rather be able to be somewhat open about my sadness and not feel like I had to try to pretend everything was normal.

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#14 of 21 Old 08-23-2011, 06:36 PM
 
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My DS will be 6. I always wanted kids close together but things didn't work out with his Dad and I so that was that. However now looking  back I don't think my son would have adjusted well with another child in the home. Within the last couple months he's been asking for a sibling and while my SO and I weren't planning... we weren't preventing either. My son is so excited and I'm looking forward to having such an awesome little helper. He's such a kind hearted kid that I know he's going to be wonderful with the baby.


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#15 of 21 Old 08-23-2011, 07:52 PM
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My girls are five years and eleven months apart.  We waited so long because it was hard to go back, but we were ready when dd2 was born.  

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#16 of 21 Old 08-23-2011, 07:59 PM
 
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DDCC   My first 2 kids are 5.5 years apart.  It's really been a very easy transition.  The huge age gap means that there isn't much jealousy and my oldest child can help a lot around the house these days.  


Abra, Married to George, Mother to DS 12/03 & DD1 08/09 & DD2 12/11 + Someone New in May 2015! After years of planning, we are finally living our dream in South America!!
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#17 of 21 Old 09-16-2011, 10:55 AM
 
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I'm a late joiner to the group, but I fit right in here.  My DS will be 8.5 when the new arrival makes an apperance.  We weren't planning on having more children, but changed our minds and here we are.  I'm glad that we got to spend a lot of quility time with just DS1 and he is an independant thinking child.  I always worried if I had another child close in age I wouldn't be able to meet all their needs.  DS1 will also be in school which leaves me the days alone with the baby and I can focus on DS1 when he gets home. 

 

On a side note, my brothers are 6 and 11 years younger than me.  The one 6 years younger and I are great friends.  We hang out, go to the bar (well, we did), play trivia, talk on the phone at least 2 times a week.  If we have a problem we can go to eachother.  I'm not that close with my youngest brother because we are at completly different stages in life.  He graduated from highschool last year, and we just don't have a lot in common.  That makes it hard to connect, but not impossible.  Just adding my two cents redface.gif


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#18 of 21 Old 09-16-2011, 06:40 PM
 
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DD will be almost 7 when this baby arrives.  When I was pregnant with DD I thought we'd wait 20 months after her delivery before 'trying' again to have a 2.5ish yr age gap.  Pretty much the moment after delivery I added a year to that timeframe.  It wasn't long before I realized we'd be waiting much longer than I thought!  DD was/is just has a VERY high need for attention and one-on-one interaction.  I think it would have been impossible before now.  Not to mention I tend to feel like crap while pregnant and I didn't know how I'd deal with that with a very young one to take care of.

 

I'm really excited about the age spacing in our situation.  Even though DD was literally begging for a sibling for over a year before we started trying, she was still devastated when we told her we were actually expecting.  (She also takes a while to transition and doesn't like surprises, so we weren't surprised about that).  She's adjusted to the idea really well, though we make sure to let her know it's OK to have conflicting feelings.  I mean, I get kinda wigged out from time to time when I think about it, so I understand where she's coming from!  The idea of 'starting over' is very daunting because while DD needs a lot of attention, she also is very independent and intellectually acts like a much older child than a 6 yr old.  We do have our cozy little family that feels really good and while we totally wanted a second, I just can't conceive of how it will work sometimes (though I know it will!)

 

We're unschooling, so I won't get that day-time break--wondering how that will play out with this baby's early nap schedules since DD hasn't napped since she was 2!  I've got to make better use of a sling this time around.  When DD was a baby we did all sorts of mommy-and-me activities just to get ME out and meet others with same-aged kids...now that we've got an unschooling community, I'm actually excited to NOT try and do all those crazy activities with a new babe--they can just accompany DD and I around for a couple years to whatever she's doing and not know the difference!  By the time the new baby actually has any interests to pursue, DD will be old enough to be really independent or hang out with her own friends.  I think that will be great!


Unschooling mama alongside DH (05/01) to DD (5/05).  Expecting #2 spring 2012!

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#19 of 21 Old 09-17-2011, 08:36 AM
 
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Great thread!

 

DSS lives with us 50% of the time. He'll turn 9 a couple of months after this baby comes. The unexpected delight so far of this age gap is how interested he is in the pregnancy and baby's development already. He's a great companion for me to have along this journey.

 

I/we would have liked to have the siblings a bit closer in age - as has been mentioned, the interests and activities will always be on very different levels and that feels a bit complicated. But this is how it is and I'm certain there will be plenty of benefits to this age gap.


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#20 of 21 Old 09-19-2011, 08:18 AM
 
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My DD will be 12 when the baby is born. The idea of starting over again is scary but exciting. bouncy.gif


Me (34) DH (33) We are the proud parents to Rebecca (11) and we are all three excitedjumpers.gif to welcome our newest addition  stork-boy.gif April 20th.

 

 

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#21 of 21 Old 09-19-2011, 11:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm surprised-- and happy- to see so many others in a similar situation!  Like another pp, my dd has always been very intense, so we never even considered having another until about a year ago (and then waffled, waffled, waffled).  I really cannot imagine what it would have been like, or how I would have managed, had I been dealing with pg or a babe while she was 2 & 3 years old-- YIKES!  She's also kind of precocious-- acts and talks like an older child in many ways (I assume from spending so much time with adults, since she never did daycare or preschool)-- and yet has a low tolerance for frustration.  She's a really quirky little thing, but darned if I'm not completely in love with her  :)  I have to say, our relationship is something that I'm also really grateful for, that I think woul dhave just been .. different.. if I was caring for a younger one at the same time. 

 

The big news here is that dd started half-day kindergarten last week!  With a history of fairly elevated separation anxiety, I'm super excited for her that she's adjusting so well.  I can already see her confidence growing, which is really neat, and even though she still is obviously nervous about going every day, I'm so proud that she keeps pushing herself and that she gets off the bus SO happy and positive every afternoon.  I was ready to feel really sad about her going, but am doing pretty well.  It's nice that we still have mornings together to wake up slowly and do some neat things and have lunch before she catches her bus.  I'm also really happy to have the opportunity to do most of my shopping, etc. on my own-- I'd been worrying that she might be becoming a bit too much of a little consumer from so many shopping trips to "buy stuff"-- even if it's "stuff"" we need.  Glad to be able to focus our time together on other things.  She's also telling everyone about the new baby and seems very excited.  She wishes it was ready to come out NOW-- April seems like such a long way off!  She's also voiced a definite preference for a little sister-- so we'll have to see how that goes  :)

 

I hope everyone else is doing well!

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