Hello, I'm Kelley. I'm expecting our third child in early April, but am wracked with anxiety at the moment.
We lost our cherished first child, Isabelle, in May 2011 at the age of 2.5 very suddenly due to an aggressive virus that had reached her brain and caused fatal swelling (called viral meningoencephalitis). (www.bubblesforisabelle.com or Bubbles for Isabelle on Facebook to learn more about our experience.) And we have a son, 23 months old, who is well and happy and a source of pure sunshine for us. We were blessed with this pregnancy in July (as you all know!)...
But my nerves are on edge... Everything with this pregnancy has gone well, but she (it's a little girl) is trending on the small side (hovering around the 10% of size). She is active, great CTG reading on Friday (the first one we've had), and great pulsing of the placenta/umbilical cord. Basically, they say she could just be a small baby - but it just doesn't sit well as my other children were 7lbs13oz (Isabelle) and 7lbs7oz (our son Sebastian) - fairly average in size. Could she be small because of the stress? I can't find any solid evidence on this... Given the traumatic year we've had, and feeling like I can't bear too much more, I so concerned there is something wrong with this baby. When you've experienced a tragedy "that only happens to other people" you suddenly realize that anything can happen. I keep thinking of all of these rare genetic disorders or something... I can't bear the thought outliving another child or having a high needs child at this point - I know that makes me sound weak, but I guess I am right now.
So please, if you have any encouraging words or spare prayers - I would appreciate them. I think...I HOPE...I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I'm just so worried.
Thanks for your thoughts.
I don't know if I have anything helpful to say. I am so very sorry for your loss and how difficult it must be. It is very understandable for you to be anxious about your new baby.
Just remember--if your doctors think things are ok, and prenatal tests have been good, there is probably nothing to worry about. And a small baby by itself is nothing to worry about--my DD was in very low percentiles 3-10% during her whole infancy and she is fine.
I hope you can find a way to enjoy this part of your pregnancy and not be too anxious about things that are beyond your control. Easy for me to say, I know...but I think we all have these fears even if we haven't had to face the reality as you did.
This is not the same kind of loss at all, but I have had two miscarriages and during this pregnancy, I worry probably every day that I will lose it, but would just say to myself, "Now I am pregnant. Now I feel the baby moving. This is the only moment that matters right now" sort of reminding myself to focus on the present as much as possible and not on things that were out of my hands.
Hard to do, I know.
You have been through a lot over the past year, but remember stress is NEVER good. Try to relax and just be in faith that everything is going to be all right. If the drs are not concerned, then I wouldn't be bothered by it. Every baby is different...even if they are siblings. I know I was born much smaller than my two brothers and still am much smaller than them.
But stressing is seriously not going to help ANYTHING! I know it may be hard to relax about it, but really it is best for you and the baby. =)
Prayers for your healing~~~~~