Unplanned c-section after long labor Support Thread - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 86 Old 12-19-2011, 08:55 PM
 
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I recently went to an ICAN meeting and msot women there had experienced a long labor that led to c-section.  It makes you wonder what it is that is causing all of this.  Is it just that birth lasts a lot longer than accepted by the medical community or is something causing "failure to progress" and other issues that lead to c-section after long labor.  Maybe I'm just looking for answers, I just don't want this to happen again.  It felt really cathartic to be around all of those women and just cry and hear them cry.  It was nice to not have to feel guilty about all the horrible things I think, like I can't hear others happy birth stories, even my close friends, I just hate them for getting the birth I worked so hard for.  Like I don't feel like I gave birth.  I'll say again that I'm glad this thread is here and I'm glad I found an ICAN meetin that I could finally bring myself to attend.  Some days are so hard for me and knowing that I'm not the only one helps so much.  I hope we can help each other heal.


 
 

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#32 of 86 Old 12-23-2011, 05:32 AM
 
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I hope i can find a supportive ICAN group...i'm afraid of being judged...i don't want to be told that i'm not doing enough to achieve this VBAC. My first goal is to be mentally/emotionally PRESENT for this birth; second, to have a VBAC. It is hard to open up about the present (for me) more than the past.

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#33 of 86 Old 01-01-2012, 02:40 PM
 
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I'm so glad I found this thread. After knowing that some of my friends gave birth to their babies naturally in the past couple of months, it made me realize that after 9 months I haven't gotten over my birth experience; that it still makes me sad, frustrated, and angry at myself. I cry and feel like a failure. I feel robbed of a wonderful experience. I didn't plan on having a homebirth, so with a beautiful, uncomplicated, healthy pregnancy I thought that the probability of birthing vaginally was very high, and my OB agreed. My mother and two sisters all had c-sections, so I was always very fearful of this, but the OB thought everything looked great for a normal delivery. It all began when I lost my mucus plug on a Saturday morning, and two days later I started having menstrual cramp-like pain. The OB checked and said the cervix was still fully closed, but that I would definitely be delivering at the end of the week. During the week, my doula told me to walk a lot, to take warm baths to ease the pain (as the week went by, the pain was getting a little stronger and closer together), and to rest a lot. She said I had to be well-rested for when I gave birth. On Friday night, my hubby came home from work and he was worried about me because for the last two days I hadn't been able to sleep and could definitely see it on my face. At 11pm, I was tossing and turning, feeling exhausted but didn't know if the cramp-like pain were actually contractions because my OB had told me that I wouldn't be able to speak through a contraction because of the pain, and at that moment I could. I went in for a warm bath at 1am, but this time the pain didn't ease and it was coming every 2 minutes. My husband was paranoid and called and texted the doula, but no answer. My doula and I had agreed that I would try to labor mostly at home and then would head to the hospital when she guessed I was at around 8 or 9cm, just to avoid unnecessary intervention. After still not hearing back from our doula, at 3am we headed to the hospital to see if I was dilating yet. I was at 2cm when admitted, and at 3cm an hour later so they let me stay. At 6am, the doula finally gets the texts and says she'll head over. The doula got to the hospital at 9am and my OB at noon, by then I was 4cm. At 1pm, he decides to break my water to speed things up and finds out that there's meconium in the fluid so he says he wants to do a csection. My doula and the Dr. argue about the situation and he agrees to wait and see how things go but warns me that "it will still probably be a csection" and got me on pitocin. At 3:30pm I was 6cm and my OB comes back in, saying I need the csection because baby is in distress. I beg him to please let me try to birth vaginally if there is no real danger to the baby, he agreed but left angry. At 6pm I was at 9cm and was so exhausted that I was falling asleep in between contractions and was not taking anything for the pain either. It was all really happening almost naturally, to the exception that they had me on pitocin but they took it away. At 7:30pm the contractions starting slowing down and I was at 9.5cm, i felt so much pressure and wanted to be sitting on the toilet but nurses wouldn't let me leave the bed. At that moment, the OB came marching into the room with an army of nurses, assistants, and the anesthesiologist to take me to the O.R. He told me I could be stuck at 9.5cm for a while and that pushing the baby out could take anywhere from 1 to 3 or 4 hours more. At this point, I was basically cornered against a wall and was extremely tired so I just consented to his decision. My little angel was born at 8:04pm exactly a week after I had lost my mucus plug. Physical recovery wasn't that bad, but emotionally I'm still trying to find peace. I feel like I failed, I was cheated from my birth plan, and I can't help but feel really jealous of the vaginal births of my friends. I wish really badly that next time will be better.


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#34 of 86 Old 01-01-2012, 03:40 PM
 
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I read this thread when it was just beginning, and so many things said on this thread are resonating with me very strongly.  I don't have the heart to read the rest of the thread tonight, but maybe another time I will be ready to share my story and read everyone else's.  But I do feel that those of us on this thread share similar emotions.

 

My DH has been pretty supportive, but I think sometimes he thinks I obsess over it (and maybe he's right, but I think basically I just talk with him about it the most because he was there and not all my friends are understanding; he's the only one I can really talk to about it without feeling weird).

 

 

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#35 of 86 Old 01-02-2012, 04:56 PM
 
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I can't quite bear to read through this whole thread right now, but I'm so glad its here, and I'll be coming back.

This is all still very fresh for me, since my wonderful little boy is just 10 days old, but our birth was very much like the ones you all describe. A planned UC, I labored at home for 37 hours, and got fully dilated except for a swollen cervical lip. Baby was ROT the whole pregnancy, and refused to turn and put proper pressure on my cervix. About 5 hours after being dilated like this, with no progress, absolutel exhaustion on my part (I'd labored through two full nights and wasn't able to get anything more than water down the whole time) and with an absolute feeling of desperation and helplessness, we went to hospital. I labored there for 12 more hours, at the end of which, baby's heartbeat was crashing. Both of us had given everything we had, and he was dying. For a half hour or so, while we tried different things to help him out, I rubbed his bottom through my belly, and spoke loving messages to him-- that was the only thing that would keep his heartbeat up. Finally, there really wasn't any other option, and into surgery we went. He emerged a short time later, strong and healthy and cuddled, rooting, on Papa's chest. He's perfect.

At the time, watching my quiet, normal UC turn into this traumatic mess, I felt emotionally fine about what was happening. I knew We had both fought with every thing we had, and that this was so necessary and right. Now...I'm having a hard time with it. I never in my life had any doubt that I could give birth independently to a perfect, healthy child...but now that I couldn't, my self-confidence is really shaken. The whole thing feels unfair at it's core. I can't really talk about it yet, it's still too raw, but there is such turmoil in my soul.

Also, I'm sure you all understand this: people seem unable to let us mamas who've had hard births admit to them. They have to say, "oh, but look at your beautiful baby, he's so worth it"--and oh, yes, I'm so in awe of my perfect son, and I can *almost* say he's worth it, even though I wouldn't want to do it all again, but I also just need to be able to say that bringing him into the world was really, really hard.

I'm so grateful for my boy, and remembering keeping his heart going with love makes me melt. I'm so glad we didn't endure all that just to lose him, and I'm in awe of the fact of his strength, of how perfect he is now, but I can't help feeling I failed at Mothering Task Number One.

So, mamas, how do you get through? How do you mend your soul? How do you ever get the courage to try again with another birth?

Maker-mama, joyously loving my boy, Winter Rhys, born 12/2011, and our twins, Wren and Forest, born 4/2014.
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#36 of 86 Old 01-03-2012, 08:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Azadehhast View Post

At the time, watching my quiet, normal UC turn into this traumatic mess, I felt emotionally fine about what was happening. I knew We had both fought with every thing we had, and that this was so necessary and right. Now...I'm having a hard time with it. I never in my life had any doubt that I could give birth independently to a perfect, healthy child...but now that I couldn't, my self-confidence is really shaken. The whole thing feels unfair at it's core. I can't really talk about it yet, it's still too raw, but there is such turmoil in my soul.
 



I feel the same way.  When I finally gave in I felt like I was making the right decision, I even felt that way for a couple of days.  Then the doubt set it.  Every day since then I have wondered what if?  What if I'd done something differently in pregnancy?  What if I'd said no when my midwives suggested a transfer?  What if I'd rejected the the epidural?  the pitocin?  I never in a million years thought I couldn't give birth and now I feel like I haven't given birth and I don't know if I will be able to in the future.  I feel like I don't know my body.  I never felt like anything was wrong or felt like it wasn't working, but something wasn't working so how can I trust myself next time?

 

I don't know how I'm going to heal.  But every time I talk about it with other women who've had the same experiences I feel a tiny bit better.  I still can't hear about anyone's happy perfect natural births and maybe I won't ever be able to.  I can't listen to vbac stories either, even though I think it would be helpful for the future.  I selfishly want all women to stop birthing until I get my prefect birth.  But I worry I won't ever have the chance, I worry that I'm not capable of birth.  I want to heal though so I'm trying.  I want to have a chance so I just keep sharing with all of you and with any other women I can.  I don't know what else to do.  I still cry a lot but I'm not crying every day anymore.  I think about it every day but some days I can think about it without feeling sick inside.  I hope one day I'll be able to look back and feel I did all that I could and it was worth it but right now I don't.

 


 
 

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#37 of 86 Old 01-09-2012, 01:54 PM
 
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I feel like I have trouble still.

 

At 11months PP, I thought I was better. A friend of mine just had a smooth uncomplicated vaginal delivery, and it just made me feel like such a failure. Isn't that terrible??  But it really brought back all my terrible memories.

 

I really thought I was OK, but I have been crying a lot. I don't really feel like typing out my experiences, but it brings me peace to know that other people feel this way because I feel like a freak about it.

 

I have a lot of anger.

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#38 of 86 Old 01-09-2012, 08:04 PM
 
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You are not a freak.  It still hurts my feelings deep inside, when I hear about successful "regular" births--and I'm 18 months PP.  Hopefully, knowing that you are not the only one who still feels this sting of disappointment, will bring some comfort.  If this many of us have such similar feelings of failure/anger/sadness, etc., you can't be a freak.  My husband used to say that I was obsessing over it, so I just don't talk about it with him anymore.  But the experience is linked too closely to the motherhood I experience now on a daily basis for me to be able to leave it in the recesses of memory.  I still feel sad I wasn't able to protect my son and "do it right."  I don't know the answer of how to "get over it," and if someone does, I sure hope you will share!  I can only keep trying to move through it.  I will say that with the passing of time it has gotten easier, but it is by no means gone from my mind entirely.

 

 

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#39 of 86 Old 01-10-2012, 10:53 PM
 
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hi, my c-section was just last week, i have twins, Labored at home for 15 hrs (not long I know) then 2 hrs of pushing. twin a would not descend and my midwife suspected a posterior, odd position.

Suer enough, it was confirmed at the hospital that she was right. his head was molded to one side...proof he was not only posterior but in an odd lie. twin b (who had been breech) also flipped head down at the last minute which we think may have wedged him further.

i'm sad, sore and thinking of the way it should have gone despite two beautiful, healthy twins, sorry for bad typing...under babies.

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#40 of 86 Old 01-11-2012, 09:27 PM
 
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First, Ahappymel, 15 hours is a long time. I hope you don't feel like there's a contest - we should feel totally validated for our efforts on this thread, no matter what the circumstances.

 

So, one of my good friends just gave birth vaginally and drug-free this afternoon.  I'm so glad that she made it before her induction date scheduled for tomorrow, but... damn it hurts.  I'm 2 months PP and the thought of something going so right still fills my stomach with cement.  From what most of you have said, i guess it'll feel this way for a long time.  Also, for the last couple days I've been really dwelling on my future pregnancies and attempting a vbac with my "j" incision.  I'm surprised that the mourning/fretting comes in waves, but I guess I've been numbing myself from the pain most of the time.  I've also been taking in my baby moment to moment without thinking too hard about my feelings for him.  He's been smiling more and more lately which helps a lot.  One thing I noticed over the holidays was how simple it was for him to be a grandson, how easy it was for our parents to be his grandparents, my sisters to be his aunties.  Like how natural it is for those relationships to spring out of the air, love-at-first-sight.  I almost resented my MIL for her lullabies, but I was glad that he was at least getting lots of pure love from so many people.  It's nice to type this out. 


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#41 of 86 Old 01-12-2012, 11:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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First, Ahappymel, 15 hours is a long time. I hope you don't feel like there's a contest - we should feel totally validated for our efforts on this thread, no matter what the circumstances.

 

OP here, and I just want to resoundingly second this sentiment! All experiences validated here. There is no objective standard for what constitutes a "long" labor. If you feel you labored for a long time, you did! 15 hours sounds plenty long to me!

 


Azadehhast, I've been thinking a lot about your questions:

So, mamas, how do you get through? How do you mend your soul? How do you ever get the courage to try again with another birth?

 

My hope for this thread is that we would not only share the stories of our births, but also share the stories of our recoveries, and show each other the many ways that we process our experiences. That has been probably the biggest missing piece for me in my 3+ year journey following DD's birth...not knowing what recovery should or could look like, just figuring out my way as I go along.

 

There's a lot I want to say, but I keep not having time to write the short novel that would explain it all! So for now, I'll just contribute:

My recovery has definitely gone in phases. Emotional recovery has taken longer than physical recovery. Spiritual recovery is taking longer still. I don't know if my soul ever will "mend" exactly, but I am discovering that I can live with a wounded soul, better than I would have thought possible.

 

I can't answer at all the question of "how do you ever get the courage to try again with another birth?" because another birth is not in the cards for me. But I'm hoping there are other women who can speak to that experience.


Living in Wisconsin with my partner of 20+ years and our DDenergy.gif(Born 10/09/08 ribboncesarean.gif). Why CI Mama? Because I love contact improvisation!

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#42 of 86 Old 01-15-2012, 08:06 AM
 
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First baby.

Normal pregnancy.

Go in for my weekly check-up.

High blood pressure. Pre-eclampsia.

Induced 12 days early.

12 hours of drug-free labor.

Zero progression.

C-Section.

 

... Bitter.

 

I can't shake it. Everytime I see someone else have a nice, natural delivery... It hits home. Deep.


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#43 of 86 Old 01-15-2012, 03:01 PM
 
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Just had a quick thought when I saw a previous poster's anguish.

 

The "Serenity Prayer," utilized by lots of 12-step groups (and other individuals, as well, of course), encourages people to accept the things they cannot change, courage to change the things they can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

There is nothing I can do to change the fact that I had a child by c-section.  Accepting his delivery method is a fact of my life.

 

Disclaimer:  I am not trying to preach religion, prayer, Cesareans as a preferable delivery method, or 12-step programs, but I think the whole concept of accepting things we can't change may be an applicable sentiment that might be helpful to some of us.


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#44 of 86 Old 01-15-2012, 04:30 PM
 
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This was my first pregnancy...I attended birthing classes, took excellent care of myself and knew how I wished my birth to go, was completely okay with my pregnancy running its course, felt like I was doing everything right. Long story short, at 39 weeks my doctor suggested inducing me out of convenience, I declined. At 40 weeks I was 1-2 cm dilated and my doctor again suggested induction that next day, but I again declined. My doctor would not allow me to go beyond 41 weeks so my induction was scheduled at 40 weeks and 4 days. That Monday evening we went to the hospital to be induced, thinking that I was protecting myself and my baby, I declined the more harsh induction drug. 6 am the next morning I was then started on Pitocin, lasted without any type of drug until 2-3pm that day and could no longer stand the pain and was given dilaudid, had my water broken and then given an epidural; none of which were in my original birth plan. After continuously being checked around 5pm that evening my doctor came in and found the baby to be a "brow presentation" and that she did not feel "comfortable" delivering him vaginally and that her suggestion would be to do a c-section. I was whisked, and by whisked I mean withing 15 minutes I was in the OR. Thinking then that my husband would be right by my side, they were unable to numb me from the chest down and they put me completely under general anesthesia. My husband was forced to watch my son's birth from outside a window and I remember nothing. Not his first cry, not his face, not anything. And now I am left with what I feel is the worst birth experience ever. And I feel even worse that I feel this way, when I have a beautiful, healthy son. Has anyone had a horrible birthing experience? How did you overcome? I've tried focusing on the positive, but everytime I hear of good successful births I become sad and bitter all over again...

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#45 of 86 Old 01-15-2012, 06:23 PM
 
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I had a c-section after a long labor. Mine was an attempted VBAC. I hired a doula, whom I really liked, & took natural childbirth classes. I was hoping for a drug free, natural birth, which is what I wanted the first time around, too, but wasn't in reach. We labored at home for 12+ hours before heading to the hospital. They let me move around quite a bit, but dispite all my best efforts, my labor stalled out at 36 hours. I started regressing, and wasn't ever beyond 7 cm.  I consented to the c-section rather than pitocin, as we didn't want to mix pitocin with my prior c-section scar.

 

I really felt grateful for the chance to have labored, and labored hard. I didn't get that with my twins. I felt like my body was more ready for baby, and baby was ready to be born. She just wasn't coming out.

 

As women, I think we do ourselves a disservice by believing that if we do everything right, everything will turn out right. The inverse of that is if things don't turn out right, you must have done something wrong. That's simply not the case. There doesn't have to be a reason for things not to go as planned.


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#46 of 86 Old 01-17-2012, 08:22 AM
 
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I've been online for awhile, so forgive me for posting without reading all the way through the threads.  Next time I'll get to more.

 

For me, I kick myself because I chose a hospital birth in the first place.  I called by OB about some fluid leakage a few days after dd's due date and she thought we should just be "getting that baby out".  She was always so nice, she was my OB/gyn for other issues previously.  I took her at her word.  They induced, I didn't question.  They had me convinced that I "should" be dilating after incredibly painful cervical exams (for me, even routine cervical exams were excruciating).

 

And then I had to lie down because of the baby monitor, and we had the baby monitor because of the pitocin.  And there I had to stay.  I got an epidural.  Stayed some more, the pain coming through the medication.  By the time I was fully dilated, I was a stiff as a board and couldn't move.  I'd been lying on that damn bed for 24hrs, (having arrived at least 16 hrs before that).  They wanted a C-section.  I could just feel my daughter pushing on my cervix, which let to excruciating (handy word for labor) pain in one spot.  I couldn't move.  I agreed to a C-section just to be done with this, after fully dilating.  But I literally could not even move my neck, turn it, move anything.

 

Even after 7 years almost to the day, I keep wondering "what if...."  Her birth forced me to have a hospital birth for dd2, and luckily we just managed a vaginal birth.

 

The person I became while in labor was shocking to me.  I have a pretty strong personality, but labor turned me into a sheep.

 

 


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#47 of 86 Old 01-17-2012, 08:28 AM
 
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 And now I am left with what I feel is the worst birth experience ever. And I feel even worse that I feel this way, when I have a beautiful, healthy son. Has anyone had a horrible birthing experience? How did you overcome? I've tried focusing on the positive, but everytime I hear of good successful births I become sad and bitter all over again...

It fades.  Don't give those thoughts power when they arise.  Give them their time, then let them drift off.  This is your assignment love.gif.  If you do become sad and bitter, don't judge yourself.  It is OK to feel that way, the last thing you need is to be hard on yourself about that, too.  I am resigned to the reality that I might never sort this out in my head in the end.  And I have to be OK with that, too.

 

Sorry, it doesn't sound like much in the way of advice, but in a way it's like mourning a death.  You will not get that moment back.  That moment, and your grief over it, are now a part of you.  Go easy on yourself and it will fade.
 

 


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#48 of 86 Old 01-19-2012, 12:07 PM
 
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When I get started with this, I could talk a LOT about it, but I'll try to keep it short.

 

I woke up with pretty bad contractions at 4 am on a Thursday morning, after at least a week of being dilated a couple of centimetres.  I was six days overdue at that point, and had fought to keep the doctors from inducing me ON MY DUE DATE.  I had had a perfectly normal pregnancy, save for a little bit of impaired glucose tolerance (but just barely, and I followed a diet for gestational diabetes after that, and I was measuring perfectly average).  In the last week of my pregnancy, the doctor kept sending me for all these ultrasounds and non-stress tests because he clearly felt a due date was a deadline.  The midwives and techs who performed these tests on me were incredulous that I was sent for them because everything was so perfectly normal and I wasn't even particularly big.  I was very active and full of energy right to the end.  This was my first pregnancy, so I was not concerned at all about being a bit overdue, personally.

 

Needless to say, when my contractions woke me up, I was glad I had avoided being induced.  I didn't go in to the hospital until about 1 am (Friday).  At my hospital, you have to be checked in through the emergency room and then they bring you to the maternity ward.  There was an intern on duty in the ER (it was deserted at 1:00 am) and he wanted to check my cervix.  He fumbled with putting together a speculum, and finally got it together.  When he put it in, I tried not to scream.  It hurt SO much.  I was now at 4 cm. 

 

I went to the maternity ward shortly thereafter, and my panties were now soaked in blood.  I had only the very slightest of spotting before...this was all blood from that exam.

 

As soon as I got there, I was comforted by the midwife on duty.  She smelled of baby powder, and after dealing with difficult doctors, I was glad to finally be under a midwife's care.  (Something I'd been frustrated about the whole pregnancy, but it's not available in my area.)

 

"I'm just going to give you a bit of something," she said.  "I give it to everyone.  Helps things along a bit."  I didn't recognize the name as something to avoid, so while I didn't particularly want whatever she was going to give me, and I didn't feel it was necessary, I also didn't want to be labelled difficult.  I wanted to trust the midwife.  She injected me.

 

It was pethidine.

 

After that, things got bad.  I wasn't myself.  I don't know how to explain it other than that.  I was under the influence of drugs.  I had been full of energy before that injection, and now, I wasn't thinking very straight and I couldn't open my eyes.  Within a couple of hours, my body started pushing.  Midwife checked and I was 10 cm dilated.  She got the doctor to come in to break my water, and that intern came in again and I started pushing after they broke the water.  They had me push in a bunch of different positions on the bed, on the toilet.  I had no idea how much time was passing, or how much was normal.  I just kept doing it.  I was really annoyed that they were checking the baby's heartbeat after every push.  I had been to a birth before, and they didn't do that to my friend.  I know now it was because of the pethidine that they had to do it. 

 

They gave me pitocin (without talking to me about it) and eventually I had to have a c-section, after 5 hours of pushing.

 

That's my story, about as short as I can get it.  I left out the gruesome details, but you'll have to take my word for it, there are many more things that bothered me about the whole thing.  I really wasn't pleased with the after care, either.  Nobody told me how to care for myself after a c-section, they gave me a glass of curdled milk after I was put on the lactose free meal plan, etc.  Large overall problems and small insignificant ones that added up to pretty atrocious care. 

 

As others have said, I felt robbed of the birth I'd envisioned.  I knew it wouldn't necessarily happen the way I expected, but I really didn't expect it to happen as it did.  I think DH and my mother had had a pretty bad scare.  The doctor and midwife explained NOTHING to me after the fact.  The doctor very quickly told me that he had had problems getting DD out, and that my uterus tore quite a bit because of it, and that he wouldn't recommend a vaginal birth ever again.

 

I felt guilt because after I woke up (2 hours after surgery), I was only mildly curious about what DD looked like.  I felt nothing more.  I looked at her, and thought "oh."  She didn't feel like mine.  If somebody had taken her away, I wouldn't have cared.  Even now as I write that, knowing that I was heavily drugged and all that, I feel awful admitting it.  For weeks, I had to work really hard at bonding with her and falling in love with her the way everybody says they do the instant they see their baby.  I still don't think of DD as being connected to my pregnancy.  I was pregnant and then I was in possession of a baby, but I can't connect the two. 

 

After my first dr's appointment (post-hospital stay), the doctor looking at my charts made a comment that made me realize that my c-section was one of those that fell into the "probably unnecessary" category.  After that, I wanted to talk about it with DH, my friends, anybody.  I tried talking about it with people, but my best friend was like "well, just think, you probably wouldn't be around if it were 100 years ago" and generally, not that easy to talk to about it.  I found one friend who would listen to my story.  DH would listen, but I think he was afraid I was becoming obsessed.  He DID help me with what I was calling my "guerilla poster campaign."  I researched the stats on c-sections and vbacs at my hospital, and put posters up around town.  That helped me a lot, actually.  I felt like I was reclaiming my voice a little, even though I was doing it anonymously.

 

Talking to DH about HIS feelings about the whole thing has helped as well.  I too felt very resentful of him for awhile.  Why didn't he speak up?  He has had to be an advocate for his own health issues before, and he has been through a lot with his mom in terms of going with her to doctors, so why was he silent during my labour?  He fought the doctors with me when they wanted to induce, so why was he silently letting the midwife inject me with something?  Why didn't my mother say something, when she had been telling me that natural was the way to go all the time before I was in labour?  (I didn't say that to him, but that's what I was thinking.  I knew that it was actually my own fault for not saying anything.)  Anyway, with a lot of prying (he was reluctant to admit this, I think), I learned that he had been scared.  Knowing that helped me get over my anger toward him. 

 

I think breastfeeding helped me a lot too.  I am so glad, and so fortunate that it was able to happen.  I felt like it was helping heal my heart and heal my body, not to mention, helping me fall in love with my little girl.

 

I had a lot of vaginal pain after the birth.  I was surprised that I'd have it after a c-section, but figured it was because of all the pushing.  The doctor didn't think that was normal, but I refused an exam because of the one that I'd had while in labour.  Not to go into many details, I'm pretty sure it was because of that horrible exam in the ER.

 

Anyway, I'm dealing a lot better with it now, but as you know from an earlier post I made on this thread, I have my good days and bad days when it comes to thinking about it.  Sometimes I think about it and cry.  But those days are getting more infrequent. 

 

I am scared about future babies though.  We were planning to try to have them somewhat close together, but we're waiting a few years now.  But I worry.  And I really don't want to deal with my hospital ever again, but I live in a remote area and will have to travel 1000s of kilometres to go to another hospital.

 

Okay, this post is waaaaaaaay too long now, so I will stop babbling for now.  (This post was actually much longer, but I cut a lot out!  LOL)

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#49 of 86 Old 01-19-2012, 12:18 PM
 
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By the way, now that I have read the other stories on this thread (sorry for making mine incredibly long), I really l am especially glad to have found this thread.  I have been nodding and going "yes! Yes!!" to so many of the emotions that everyone has shared.  Though I wish none of us had to go through this, I am comforted by the fact that I am not alone in feeling many of these things.

 

Also, I had one more thing...I have one of the oddest disappointments about the c-section.  I am disappointed I did not get to see the placenta.  Isn't that weird?  I wasn't even planning to do anything with it (like they'd let me anyway!) but I really wanted to see it.

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#50 of 86 Old 01-21-2012, 01:50 PM
 
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I can't come here much. It makes me cry. But thank you caedenmomma, I'll try to remember the serenity prayer. And Ashley, yes, yes, yes. I feel the same.

sent from my phone using tapatalk, please forgive typos

Loving mama to Aden (8/5/2010) and DSD (15).
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#51 of 86 Old 01-21-2012, 10:44 PM
 
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I'm having a really bad day today.  My friend just had her baby last night and I feel sick to my stomach.  I can't sleep, all I can think about is that it's not fair that she got to have her birth and I didn't.  I know It's awful for me to feel this way but I hate her right now.  I thought I was doing better but I guess I'm not.  I was with an ICAN friend the other day and she said "you know how all the women at the meeting feel like theirs was the one c/s that was necessary".  I don't feel like that, mine wasn't necessary.  I don't think I'll ever be ok with what happened because I feel like I just gave up.  The baby wasn't in danger, I wasn't in danger, I just couldn't do it anymore.  I'm a total failure.  I just wanted it to be over.  No one thought I could do it so I didn't either.  Am I ever going to have faith in myself again?  I just really needed this birth to work and it didn't, I don't work.  Once my midwives suggested I go to the hospital I lost my home birth and gave up on trying for what I wanted.  I shouldn't have gone.  I really believe that if I'd stayed home I could have done it.  It might have taken 5 days but I think I could have.  Why didn't they believ in me?  Why did they give up on me after 30 hours?  Why did I give up after 60?  I could have held out longer. 

 

Amautik-I feel the same way, I sometimes how I ended up with this baby, it doesn't feel like the one I was pregnant with.  It doesn't connect.  I wish I'd seen my placenta too.  I actually got mine but they made me put it in the freezer and I couldn't have it until after I went home, at that point I just gave it to my doula to encapsulate, I didn't even look at it.  I wish I'd seen my son before they wiped him off.  I wonder if he was covered in vernix.  Even though I had a birth plan for c/s that included handing him to me before wiping him off, and skin to skin right away they didn't do it and I had lost so much blood that I was really out of it and didn't think to say anything. 


 
 

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#52 of 86 Old 01-22-2012, 12:58 PM
 
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I just want to echo what amautik and mugglesmom have said about the disconnect between the pregnancy and the baby.  We called my baby Sweetpea during the whole pregnancy and I had such a nice relationship with this squirmy, growing creature inside me.  I cannot fathom the fact that the baby in my arms now is my Sweetpea.  I didn't see him emerge from me, never saw the vernix on his skin, I was too doped up to change his first meconium diapers, I didn't glimpse his cute little butt until days after he was born (before, I had been dying to see Sweetpea's butt b/c my DH and I were placing bets on wether it would look like his or mine, ha), 2 weeks passed before I could take a bath with him and feel what his wet, slippery body would've felt like against my skin.  He feels like something the hospital gave me. It's getting better as time passes... if I don't think too hard about it.  

 

Lately I've been feeling like my whole pregnancy was a failure because the birth was a failure.  I need to work on separating the two.  Ahem... I freaking rocked at being pregnant!  I grew a human being inside me and that is amazing!  I may not feel like a real mom most of the time but, dang it, I completed a successful human gestation cycle. redface.gif

 

And I really want to thank you ladies for sharing your stories and your paths to recovery.  smile.gif

 


om.gif married to my best friend guitar.gif; Proud mama of one fine boy! diaper.gif  ribboncesarean.gif;  stork-suprise.gif 4/14 Hoping for a vbac.gif

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#53 of 86 Old 01-24-2012, 06:09 PM
 
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I am so glad for this thread!

I cried reading some of your stories...really brings me back to my own story as well. 

I hate that a thing like this brings women together, but also, I'm grateful that I'm not alone in the feelings I've had.

 

I'll share my story as well, but first I'll say that I bought this book, "Birthing Normally After a Cesarean or two"  http://www.amazon.com/Birthing-Normally-Cesarean-American-Better/dp/1906619204

I've known most of the facts and stats in the book, but there are some very good birth stories (VBACS) and also ways to help heal emotionally/mentally from a section.  I've found it most helpful in dealing with some of the things that are still with me.

 

I'm almost 18 months out from my section...

 

Before I even became pregnant I had researched and poured over information, just eating it all up.  All through my pregnancy I did the same and it was very peaceful.  I had a completely unassisted pregnancy.  I enjoyed every minute of it and had no other concerning symptoms that made me seek medical attention.  We were comfortable and fully prepared to have an unassisted birth as well, and that was the plan.  We only live about 1 mile away from the hospital and knew things to look for in case of an emergency.  I wasn't afraid at all and looking very much forward to labor and delivery.  

 

I went into labor at 42 weeks.

It started off smooth and easy at about 10 p.m. and by morning it was very intense.  I labored allot in a pool in our basement which was helpful in easing the pain.  At about the 24 hour mark I started to get concerned because it didn't feel like anything was happening and it was more intense than I ever dreamed of it being.  I wasn't having any desire to push. My cervix was too far up to check.  I hadn't had an ounce of rest in 24 hours.  I didn't feel like eating, I couldn't pee, I couldn't think...I felt insane.   My husband and mom and dad were with me at this point.

 

Eventually, I made the decision to go to the ER to get checked out, just in case.  It was over 30 hours into labor at this point.  The attending OB said I was only at 5 cm!!!  Good grief!  He urged us to stay but I didn't want to birth in the hospital so we went home.  But it wasn't long after than I started feeling some horrid pains and the realized that it had been about 24 hours since I'd gone to the bathroom.  I knew my bladder was distended and probably causing blockage for baby and a poorly dialating cervix.  

 

We went back to the hospital cause I couldn't make myself pee.  

I got a cath and INSTANTLY the pain was gone and my contractions were a breeze!!!

I was certain it wouldn't be long now.

Boy, was I wrong.

I made it to 10 cm without any pain meds or any other interventions except for fetal monitoring.  I was okayed for pushing even though I didn't feel the urge still.  

I pushed for over 4 hours.  Nothing.  Of course, I was on my back...I didn't have the mental strength or physical strength to do anything but push and lay there.  Had I been more sane and had more energy, I'm certain I could have pushed my son out.  

 

After 45 hours of hard labor, with almost no progression and some concerning heart patterns from my baby, I signed my body over to be cut.

 

I almost died in surgery after a massive hemorrhage.

My son almost died after they pulled him out...thick meconium in the sac.  The sac never did break, even though at the end I let them try to break it hoping it would speed things along.  Turns out the OB was hooking my son's scalp!!!  

 

During surgery the spinal wore off and I could feel them sewing me back up while at the same time the surgeon saying, "Where's all this blood coming from?"  and the doc who had my baby was yelling, "Breathe baby breathe!"  across the room.  I couldn't swallow, I couldn't speak...it was like a horror film.  I was finally able to mumble to the anesthesiologist that i could feel everything they were doing and the next thing I knew everything was black.  I got to see my baby briefly before they knocked me out again and I woke in the recovery room.  I don't know time frames at all.  

 

Recovery SUCKED!!!!  I had to have my husband wipe my own but for me and help me shower.

It took me a long time to not be in pain...even to just do normal things like cook dinner or go to the bathroom.  We had horrible problems breastfeeding because of all of this and my milk didn't come in until a week later.  

 

My son ended up getting some kind of blood infection 2 days after being born and they transported him to a larger hospital where he spent some time in the NICU.  They never did find out exactly what was wrong with him.

 

I had undiagnosed PPD for months...and struggled to even be okay with myself and blamed myself for everything that went wrong.

 

Now, however, 18 months later, I'm healing. 

I'm helping myself.

I'm sorting through the mess in my brain and I feel really good.  Better than I have for a really long time.  I'm even thinking about babies again.  I'm thinking about labor again.  I'm thinking that it's all okay, that even if things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, it's behind me.  I need to move on now.  For my husband, for my son...for my own health.

 

There are regrets...shoulda, woulda, coulda's...but I try not to think about those things anymore.  Cause I can't change it now matter how badly I want to.  And the more I tell myself that, the more I'm okay with what happened.  It's not a happy memory, but I try to pull the good things out of it, even if there aren't many.  I love my son more than I ever thought I could love a person and I am starting to love my body again...I'm starting to forgive myself.  

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#54 of 86 Old 02-10-2012, 06:28 AM
 
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Hey Mamas,

 

I've been lurking on this thread for a bit. It's incredibly helpful. My first son was born via c-section nearly 9 months ago, and I still cannot shake it. 

 

Would you be interested in having a Mothering Group set up for us? That way we can all post about our recovery journeys and goings-on and it won't all be in a single long thread. Thoughts on that?


"The Mothers are the brave ones." - Call the Midwife

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#55 of 86 Old 02-10-2012, 08:12 AM
 
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@A_Random_Phrase:

 

Your mention of not being able to work as a doula b/c you didn't have an unmedicated birth really struck me. 

 

I wanted to reach out to you, mama, because I think you actually have a lot to offer birthing women.

 

One of the most helpful things my midwife said to me after my birth was that there is a place for epidurals in this world. There is a place for c-sections. The nations with the best birth outcomes don't NOT use these tools. They just use them judiciously.

 

I didn't talk to anyone before my birth about epidurals or c-sections or anything. I surrounded myself with only information about unmedicated, easy, natural vaginal birth. As a result, I was unprepared, and frankly, I was arrogant. I thought, 'I don't need to learn about that stuff. It won't happen to me because I believe in my body and I've done everything "right."

 

As ashamed as I am to admit this, I honestly thought that the only reason women get epidurals or c-sections is because they just don't know enough to avoid them. No one has ever been more wrong about anything. And that crappy attitude of mine really set me up for a major emotional fall when I ended up needing a c.

 

I think that as someone who tried for a more natural birth but ended up needing some level of intervention, you have a ton of wisdom to share. You can help the mamas you support know that sometimes, we need to reach for things outside the toolkit we have at present, things like epidurals and c-sections. It's wonderful if a mama's goal is to avoid those things. But birth is a wild, unpredictable act. And sometimes, the goal posts move. There is a place, in birth, for those tools, and it isn't shameful to need them or use them.

 

Just my two cents for you to take or leave. But I just really thought, when I read your post, 'Oh gosh no, she has so much wisdom to offer!!'

 

 


"The Mothers are the brave ones." - Call the Midwife

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#56 of 86 Old 02-10-2012, 09:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Partaria View Post

Hey Mamas,

 

I've been lurking on this thread for a bit. It's incredibly helpful. My first son was born via c-section nearly 9 months ago, and I still cannot shake it. 

 

Would you be interested in having a Mothering Group set up for us? That way we can all post about our recovery journeys and goings-on and it won't all be in a single long thread. Thoughts on that?



That's a great suggestion. I'd be willing to be a co-facilitator (or whatever it's called) for a group. Would you like to co-facilitate with me?


Living in Wisconsin with my partner of 20+ years and our DDenergy.gif(Born 10/09/08 ribboncesarean.gif). Why CI Mama? Because I love contact improvisation!

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Quote:
Originally Posted by FeliciaFlys View Post


There are regrets...shoulda, woulda, coulda's...but I try not to think about those things anymore.  Cause I can't change it now matter how badly I want to.  And the more I tell myself that, the more I'm okay with what happened.  It's not a happy memory, but I try to pull the good things out of it, even if there aren't many.  I love my son more than I ever thought I could love a person and I am starting to love my body again...I'm starting to forgive myself.  

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Partaria View Post
I think that as someone who tried for a more natural birth but ended up needing some level of intervention, you have a ton of wisdom to share. You can help the mamas you support know that sometimes, we need to reach for things outside the toolkit we have at present, things like epidurals and c-sections. It's wonderful if a mama's goal is to avoid those things. But birth is a wild, unpredictable act. And sometimes, the goal posts move. There is a place, in birth, for those tools, and it isn't shameful to need them or use them.

 

Just my two cents for you to take or leave. But I just really thought, when I read your post, 'Oh gosh no, she has so much wisdom to offer!!'

 

 


Here's what I love about these posts: they are demonstrating that wisdom can come from our experiences. We get so many messages that our experiences are failures, end of story. We live the trauma, which is real, and that shouldn't be discounted. But over time, there is more than just trauma....there is the humility, the wisdom, and the resilience. We need to share this with each other! It took me well over a year to find anything in myself that I could feel OK about. But I did find it! And it gets better over time. This is an important thing to share.

 


Living in Wisconsin with my partner of 20+ years and our DDenergy.gif(Born 10/09/08 ribboncesarean.gif). Why CI Mama? Because I love contact improvisation!

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#58 of 86 Old 02-10-2012, 11:48 AM
 
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Yes yes yes! I would love to co-facilitate!


"The Mothers are the brave ones." - Call the Midwife

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#59 of 86 Old 02-15-2012, 08:23 PM
 
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Was going to post but now I'm off to look for the group.... biggrinbounce.gif


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#60 of 86 Old 02-17-2012, 10:58 AM
 
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Hi justKAte,

 

We haven't heard back from Cynthia regarding a group yet, so post away! :)


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