Unplanned c-section after long labor Support Thread - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 86 Old 02-17-2012, 02:02 PM
 
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What a great thread.  I have just skimmed it but like others have said, it's nice to know I'm not the only one with these feelings.

 

It was interesting to hear other moms say they felt like they hadn't given birth.  Even though my kids are 3.5 and 1.5 for some reason the last few months whenever birth comes up I end up tripping all over my words.  I am not sure what to say, giving birth doesn't sound right, I labored and worked hard to try to push them both out so I don't like "delivered" because I feel like it gives the doc all the credit.  I usually end up just saying , "whatever, they took her out of me."  Oh I hate that.

 

I still can't watch even a staged birth on TV without bawling because I didn't get to hold my babies right away.  I didn't even see my first daughter naked until she was 2 days old (she wasn't returned to me for hours because I was so drugged that I spent a long time recovering.  Then they took her four hours later to the NICU for 2 days).  I don't know why but that is still a big deal to me.  I didn't get to have that new, skin on skin time with her when she was fresh.  I guess that is part of it.  DH was so good about reminding me to do it and encouraging it.  I will always be thankful for that. 

 

I feel like I have been able to process a lot of things and getting to attempt an HBAC (even if it ended in another c/s) answered so many questions and helped me a lot.  It is still process though and I agree that it's so important for us to have this safe place to air those feelings.  To share openly without being told we are ungrateful or unreasonable. 


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#62 of 86 Old 02-25-2012, 12:02 AM
 
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Ok I just joined the group and posted the first thread. 


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#63 of 86 Old 02-26-2012, 07:08 PM
 
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Is everyone here going to join the group? I'm not very patient so go join now ok! grouphug.gif praying.gif


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#64 of 86 Old 02-27-2012, 05:44 PM
 
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Please can you help me with a link to it?  

I can't figure out how to get to where you are talking about.

(Sorry!)

 

Thanks!

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#65 of 86 Old 02-27-2012, 06:45 PM
 
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not sure how to link. At the top of the page on the blue bar it says groups. In between calendar and chat


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#66 of 86 Old 02-27-2012, 07:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Here's a link to the group: 

http://www.mothering.com/community/groups/show/25/unplanned-c-section-after-long-labor-support-group

 

If you use tapatalk, you may not be able to find groups in your menu, FYI. But hopefully this link will get you there!


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#67 of 86 Old 05-27-2012, 06:52 PM
 
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Dear Mugglesmom

I wish I could ease your pain, which I know so well. Maybe you could read the book Birthing Normally After a Cesarean or Two. There is a whole chapter on the emotional scar a cesarean may entail, with tips on healing. It's now easy, it can take a long time, but it can be done. Have faith.

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#68 of 86 Old 06-30-2012, 09:29 AM
 
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I had to be induced on a wednesday evening at 5pm and labour started at 6am on the thursday morning. By friday at 1:30am the midwives had tried all sorts to get my baby into the right position to be born (his head was at the wrong angle) and although he was only 2cm from the world he couldn't come out. I was taken into surgery with hubby next to me and they did try again but had to push him back up the birth canal and do a c section. It was totally unplanned but I didn't feel it took anything from the actual birth for me. It was lovely when my baby was laid across my chest and cried loudly while looking at me, then hubby, then me again etc.

 

The worst part for me was afterwards when I was in for 6 days as he had jaundice. When I went home I had the baby blues for a while. I was very possessive with the baby and was crying all the time. Also partly due to problems between me and hubby at the time. I was not supposed to lift anything which would mean not holding him. This I still did and I couldn't breast feed as I found it painful. I did struggle for a good 7/8 months with tiredness and problems with my tummy while it was healing.

 

I am sorry to hear that some of you have found th c section a bad experience.  I think it was more other people that made me feel down for not doing the full natural birth - mainly MIL. But I threw myself into my son and learnt to ignore it.

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#69 of 86 Old 02-11-2013, 03:03 PM
 
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Hi my experience was awful!

 

 My induction was started on weds night, and mild pains started early hours of thurs morning. The labour ward was very busy but i was taken down there for a second lot of gel. Then it started,  contractions came thick and fast but very low pain nothing above my belly button. But I didnt really know what to expect as it was my first baby.

 I didnt see a midwife much all day and was told i was 3 cm but babys head wasnt low enough. At 8 pm Thurs night a midwife came in and said the ward was closed, I wasnt progressing further than 3 cm, i needed to have my waters broken but they didnt have the staff !!!!!!

I was left having these contractions (again not even as high as my bellybutton) very very painful 2 -3 mins apart with no progress for 8 hours before someone finally came to break my waters.

We were finding it very difficult to keep track of babys heart rate without being on the bed but i was in way to much pain to lay down, so it was suggested i have epidural to have pitocin and stay on bed to be monitored. I was then stuck on the bed with an epidural that didnt work in agony.

Doc came in and said I had to be 7 cm dilated by 12 o clock or we were going to theatre but when 12 o clock came around and i wasnt 7 cm he said give it until 2 oclock. They tried getting a clip on babys head to check he was ok but struggled and they tried 5. They were then taking blood samples and testing them. My mum (birth partner) had had enough and called doc back in. I was 8 cm dilated and felt a need to push, i felt my body was pushing and i couldnt stop it. Midwife said i wasnt to push but doc said i was fine to push. Then all of a sudden there was a big rush doc pushed a piece of paper for me to sign in front of me and said we were going to theatre to try forceps and if not then a c section.

Once in the doors of theatre I was moved from one table to another and all of a sudden some reached over from behind me, put a mask over my face and said i need to put you to sleep your having a c section. I cried so much it was awful.

 

When i came around i was having a blood transfusion, after losing 2.5 litres of blood. I tore my uterus and my son was in intensive care. He was born at 2:02pm and I didnt see him until 10pm that night. Harry spent a week in intensive care and i was in hospital for 5 days and had to go home two nights without my boy. 

 

At my post natal 6 week check I was told that my uterus tore due to prolonged labour. The fact that my son being in intensive care could have been prevented if the hospital had enough staff or if the doctor had made the call sooner makes me sick. I was also told that due to the tear im not safe to have a vaginal birthand have to have another section  if i had another baby and to not get pregnant until harry is at least a year old to give my uterus time to heal.  

 

I would rather c section with my next child rather than risk being left again and having my baby suffer because of it. I does worry me a bit tho that i would be goin in for that operation and pain again but babys wellbeing comes first. I think the section itself was too bad it was just all of the other issues coming together. Both me and my husband missed the birth of our first child. 

 

Dont mean to worry anyone. I think a planned section must be better than a rushed one. Think it did me good writing this and has made me want to get my complaint in to the hospital.  7

 

Thank you for reading!! xx

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#70 of 86 Old 02-13-2013, 02:48 PM
 
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Thanks for sharing harrysmum and welcome! Have you considered a second opinion? Not sure what country you live in but maybe you could try a birthing center or a home birth?


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#71 of 86 Old 02-17-2013, 09:00 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CoBabyMaker View Post

 

It was interesting to hear other moms say they felt like they hadn't given birth.  Even though my kids are 3.5 and 1.5 for some reason the last few months whenever birth comes up I end up tripping all over my words.  I am not sure what to say, giving birth doesn't sound right, I labored and worked hard to try to push them both out so I don't like "delivered" because I feel like it gives the doc all the credit.  I usually end up just saying , "whatever, they took her out of me."  Oh I hate that.

 

 

I've felt the exact thing and have avoided the use of "given birth" since, well, I really don't think I did!  I certainly carried him for 9 mo and that was hard work, and I labored all day, but his actual birth was while I just layed there.  I'm ok with that now, thankfully!  It's become my reality and just how it is.


Alicia, wife to an loving and faithful DH, and mama to three fantastic though nutty children (cs, then an HBAC, then a VBAC!!).
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#72 of 86 Old 04-14-2013, 08:21 PM
 
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Here's my story... posted this earlier in hopes of getting some support!!!

 

On November 18, 2012 I was due to start the induction process with my daughter. She is my first. I began labor on my own that night(about 5pm)  before I arrived to the hospital. I thought, "YAY! NOW I WON'T NEED A C-SCTION!" I was very, very fearful of a section my entire pregnancy. I deeply craved a natural, vaginal birth. So I was super excited that I would not have to get induced. I labored until about midnight and hit 2cm and was 80% effaced. By 3:30am I had hit 5cm and 100% effaced. I did receive and epidural at this point, I was in excruciating pain, my back felt like it was breaking. The epidural knocked me out, hubby and me slept for a couple hours. By 7:30am, the nurse said I had hit 7cm. My OB checked me, said I was only 5 maybe 6. Baby was still at -3 station... felt that was odd. Her heart rate had been fairly irregular my entire labor but they weren't worried yet. I had an u/s at 39 weeks to rule out breech... so we knew it wasn't that.

 

They broke my water and she said we had "pea soup" meaning my sweet little daughter passed her first meconium... very scary to hear. Her heart rate instantly plummeted. They got me on my hands and knees to try and ease her down. Twenty minutes passed and nothing changed except my daughter's health, which worsened. It all happened so quickly. They mentioned c-section to me as a possibility and I cried a little. OB came back in to check me, and my DD's head was very swollen and her heart rate was still plummenting.... going down to 80bpm, sometimes we'd lose her. I was told I had to have a c-section. My first response was, "Please just save my baby!" 

 

They rushed me in to the OR, husband barely made it in the room, but he did. At 8:49 am on November 19, 2012 we welcomed a daughter, Averee Morgan, 7lbs8oz 20.5" long. He witnessed our daughter being born and we both cried when we heard her. We discovered she was posterior, the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck several times, and my pelvis wasn't wide enough to deliver her. They told me a vaginal delivery would not have been possible for us.

 

Five months later I still feel a deep sadness about my c-section. I feel so guilty and cry and wish there was SOMETHING I could have done. It's terrible, I just want to come to peace with it,  but I can't. I see shows on TV when babies are born and I bawl. I think about how I wanted that, how unfair it was. Yes, the health of my daughter is MOST important, but I still feel terribly saddened by it. It is comforting to know I am not alone.


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#73 of 86 Old 04-14-2013, 08:23 PM
 
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I very often feel completely and utterly robbed of my birth. I couldn't agree more, I truly feel like I did nothing to have this baby. She was taken out of me, and that's that. It is such a sad, empty, lonely feeling. 

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#74 of 86 Old 04-14-2013, 08:25 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CDsMom1031 View Post

hola.gif

 

First baby.

Normal pregnancy.

Go in for my weekly check-up.

High blood pressure. Pre-eclampsia.

Induced 12 days early.

12 hours of drug-free labor.

Zero progression.

C-Section.

 

... Bitter.

 

I can't shake it. Everytime I see someone else have a nice, natural delivery... It hits home. Deep.

I couldn't agree with you more :( I feel you're pain... I can't even watch shows like "A Baby Story" anymore....


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#75 of 86 Old 04-15-2013, 07:27 PM
 
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We seem to have similar stories Avereemorgan12

 

I don't believe for one minute that your pelvis isn't big enough to have a baby vaginally. Doctors say this crap to scare women and to justify their actions. I have seen very tiny women birth 10 plus pound babies. I would totally go for a VBAC next time. Also don't step foot into a hospital until your in transition. That's what worked for me for both of my VBAC's.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, I can so relate.


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#76 of 86 Old 04-15-2013, 08:20 PM
 
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Thank you so much <3 <3 <3 I am due with baby #2 12/18/13 and was told because I am only 5 months PP I am too high risk to attempt VBAC... we will see... still yearn for that natural delivery... 


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#77 of 86 Old 04-16-2013, 05:57 AM
 
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My kids will be 22m apart at delivery and I'm doing a VBAC.

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#78 of 86 Old 04-16-2013, 03:20 PM
 
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Just read about a hospital in Mass that is adopting a more family friendly c/s. Clear drapes and deliberate placing of wires to allow for immediate bonding and breastfeeding right away. Sounds like the medical world is finally recognizing just how damaging c/s are mentally to women and how they effect the way we raise our babies.


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#79 of 86 Old 06-02-2013, 01:25 AM
 
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It has taken me awhile to seek out a forum like this for some.... Talking? Relief? Understanding? I'm not sure which, as I didnt think that I really needed it until tonight after I read a post by another woman on a social media website about how wonderful her natural and vaginal childbirth was..... it mad me so angry and jealous that I almost started crying!! This is the fourth time si
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#80 of 86 Old 06-02-2013, 01:26 AM
 
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It has taken me awhile to seek out a forum like this for some.... Talking? Relief? Understanding? I'm not sure which, as I didnt think that I really needed it until tonight after I read a post by another woman on a social media website about how wonderful her natural and vaginal childbirth was..... it mad me so angry and jealous that I almost started crying!! This is the fourth time si
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#81 of 86 Old 01-11-2014, 08:39 AM
 
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Subscribing. My unplanned Cesarean was nearly a month ago. Still working on my birth story in my DDC. Basically I had prelabor rupture of membranes, followed by decels & followed by some interventions, followed by a cesarean in which a true double knot was discovered.

It is hard for me to say if my Cesaean was necessary or not, as I made a lot of different choices in my 3rd pregnancy & birth than I did in prior pregnancies. It was my first planned hospital birth.

I replay it in my head a lot: sometimes I think of all that I could have refused to have a vaginal birth & sometimes I think of all the ways I missed an adverse outcome for my baby. Glad to have found this thread.
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#82 of 86 Old 01-14-2014, 10:17 AM
 
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I posted a thread about my experience, but I'll talk about it here briefly. My healthy, joyful pregnancy (first/only child) came to an abrupt halt when my water broke and no contractions started. This went on 24+ hours before my midwife and husband convinced me to go to the hospital to get induced. I was so scared of Pitocin, fearing it would be a downward spiral to a C-section. That is exactly what happened, except it wasn't Pitocin's fault. I only dilated 3 CM after 24 hours on the Pit working up to the highest dose. I refused an Epidural, knowing it might be counterproductive. My son wasn't in distress (we gave him the middle name, Samson because he was so strong) but everyone agreed it was pointless to go on. When they opened me up, he was transverse occiput-head turned to one side-and the cord was wrapped around his neck twice. The midwife said the cord probably held him back..that and not having enough water to move around. It still bothers me that I was unable to have the peaceful birth I had planned..although it gets less painful the more ICAN meetings I attend, the more women I talk to, and the more posts I read on this and other forums. I hope one day I will feel satisfied with my decisions in this birth and stop questioning "what if." I know of women who waited longer to go in to the hospital in this situation and suffered uterine infections. Statistically, labor typically starts in the first 12 hours after membrane rupture or not at all. I tell myself these facts, but it still hurts every time I think about it.

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#83 of 86 Old 01-14-2014, 08:03 PM
 
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Just wanted to say "hello" and to say how glad I am to have found this thread.  I'll probably lurk for a while before I'm ready to post my story, but it's a long and sad tale involving three unplanned c-sections that I still haven't really dealt with all the way.  I pretty much just HATE reading/seeing/hearing much of anything about birth at all.  But, now that we've decided to ttc one more this year, it's probably time to start thinking about confronting it.  

 

Reading through some of the more recent posts, I can wholeheartedly empathize with many of you, and hope we can all commiserate together, and get some healing from each other.

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#84 of 86 Old 02-04-2014, 05:13 PM
 
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For me, my unplanned c section was and is still a nightmare.  I'm the type of Mom who wanted to do it all naturally.  With my first born, that's exactly what I did.  No meds...just 6 hours of labour followed by 2.5 of pushing and out he popped!  Healthy and happy.  A dream birth.  My second babies birth story is not the same.  We were 37 weeks along and she just wouldn't turn.  The dr. said "lets bring you in on Monday after the weekend and see where she is.  If she's not flipped we can try and turn her then induce you.  You'll be 38 weeks by then."  I was so hell bent on getting that baby to turn that I physically turned her myself.  I laid in my tub full of warm water to try and relax, basically spread eagle to open my pelvis as much as possible and I started moving her with my hands from outside my body.  I got her about half way around (after about 45 minutes) and then headed for the bed to do downward dog in hopes that she would get the gravitational hint.  She did!!!  She flipped head down!  That was Friday at noon.  I wasn't due back at the hospital until Monday at 9am :S  I pretty much stood upright all weekend hoping she wouldn't move.  Monday morning came and off to the hospital we went.  Ultra sound showed we had a head down little girl so up to labour and delivery only to be told that unfortunately they couldn't induce me then because there wasn't enough staff to cover a c section in case I ended up needing one.  So they sent me home and told me to come back in the morning and we would get started.  Thankfully by morning she was still head down. I was induced at 9am.  Things were certainly taking their time and labour wasn't coming on very strong.  By 5pm the dr came in and checked to make sure she was still head down, then broke my water.  After that contractions really picked up.  By about 8:00pm I knew we were close.  Then a contraction hit and something wasn't right.  The nurse came in for a random check, then left and brought another nurse in with her who also checked.  By that time I was ready to push.  Like body uncontrollably starting to push with no going back.  Again, I wasn't on pain meds as I had planned to have a natural birth.  They told me I needed to close my legs and NOT push.  My contracts were less than a minute apart, I was fully dialated but with every contraction I felt like my pelvis was breaking.  This felt nothing like my first birth experience.  Suddenly the room was bright with spot lights and about 10 medical staff.  The dr. checked and yelled for the portable ultra sound machine.  All I remember hearing is a nurse saying "it's broken" and the dr. freaking out on her "what do you mean it's broken!?".  My hands and arms started to seize up in a contorted shape.  I didn't know what was happening.  Apparently my body was going into shock and I was hyperventilating.  The contractions were getting worse and they were still telling me to hold on and not push.  Then they realized I was still hooked up the to drip for inducing me!!!  They were telling me not to push while they had me hooked up to meds forcing me to have strong hard contractions.  The dr. appeared over my face and said "the baby has flipped.  She has her leg behind her back and her hand around her leg.  She's trying to come out sideways and hip first. (the hip, leg and arm wrapped around the leg were presenting first).  She can't come out that way.  We're doing a c section."  They threw scrubs at my husband and sent him off to get changed.  With all of the commotion and craziness no one was really explaining anything to him.  He was watching me go through an unimaginable amount of pain and didn't know if I or the baby was in danger.  He started passing out from shock which made the nurses keep telling him if he couldn't get it together he couldn't come into the OR.  Nothing like being terrified and devasted and then thinking your only support isn't allowed to be with you.  Thankfully he pulled it together and made it to the OR.  We were about 30 minutes in at this point...still not on any meds, still uncontrollably trying to push every single minute while being told not to.  The anesthesiologist asked for my paper word to see my blood results and no one knew where it was so we had to wait on that.  Finally they put my spinal in and I felt nothing.  I was in absolute shock and a level of fear I have never had.  Tears just poured from my eyes without me making a sound.  I could feel every tug and pull and then I heard her.  She cried.  It was 9:56pm.  Over an hour after I felt the urge to push in the first place.  My husband held up his phone over the curtain and took photos of her as they were taking her out.  As horrible as it sounds, they are my most treasured photos.  Hard to look at, but they are her first moments.  They wrapped her up and brought her to my husband who laid her beside my face.  My first moments with my baby girl and I couldn't touch her :( Everything in me wanted to reach out and grab her up in my arms, but I couldn't.  After that I don't remember much.  I have no idea how long I was getting stitched up or how long it took me to get back to my room.  I have a vague memory of being wheeled past my husband who was holding her.  I don't remember holding her for the first time.  I don't remember breastfeeding her for the first time.  I don't remember our first night together.  I woke up the next morning and that's where my memories come back.  My 4 day stay at the hospital was, looking back on it, 4 days of shock and avoiding the thought.  I got home with her and instead of the great big welcome home baby girl moment I had dreamed of...I had to struggle just to get to the couch and more or less was in so much pain that I missed her real entrance into our home.  This time around there were no photos at the front door before going in, no photos of her first moments at home.  It was getting her in and making sure I was situated.  My 2 year old son fell and hit his head within the first hour of being home and I couldn't get up to get him and comfort him.  That night he woke in the middle of the night from a bad dream and I couldn't go hold him and help him back to sleep.  My husband, thankfully is amazing and took over everything.  But that night he came back to our room and I was crying because I felt like being a Mom had been taken away from me.  I couldn't hold my 2 year old.  I couldn't get up to get my baby when she cried.  I couldn't even sit up in bed on my own.  I felt useless and robbed.  Over the course of the next few days  being home it really started to sink in what had happened.  I started feeling like I had been pregnant twice but only given birth once.  Like I might as well have been a spectator on the other side of a glass window for my daughters birth.  I felt like I was gutted.  I laid awake on a table while someone cut my baby out of me.  Nothing that I can think of could be more unnatural.  It wrecks me.  I feel like in a weird way the loss of giving birth to her is sort of like she somehow died.  Yet I still have her.  Her birth is a moment I can't get back.  There isn't a redo button for that.  The memories of the first time holding her and feeding her are gone (thankfully my husband took pictures).  Those are moments and memories I can't get back.  It's a sense of loss that I can't even fully describe.  I know some women don't have such a hard time with it, everyone feels the same situation differently, but why on earth is it not talked about publicly what a horrible thing a c section CAN be..??  I had no idea before going through it.  You hear c section and you think birth.  You don't pitty the woman or feel any emotion for her other than "oh you had a baby!  Congrats!"  Now when I hear c section I want to cry for that woman.  I saw on my facebook newsfeed a few moments ago that a girl I know just had her baby.  Vaginally.  I felt a rush of anger and sadness.  Happy for her that she had her little girl.  But I wanted to cry for myself.  I lost the birth of my little girl.  

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#85 of 86 Old 05-02-2014, 11:19 PM
 
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Oh, Erin! What a beautiful & sad & familiar story! I am so sorry for your loss. I, along with many others on this thread, I'm sure, can empathize with your feelings & experience. I cried when I read your story because it is very similar to mine, except I've NEVER given birth vaginally. All of my children have been cut out of me. When I talk about "giving birth" I feel like I'm lying. I haven't given birth. I was cut open and then a baby was handed to my husband. I had nothing to do with it. You are right that it isn't talked about. We aren't allowed to feel this way in public. Any time you mention what a terrible experience you had the only response you get is "but at least you have a beautiful baby, and that's what really matters." To which you must agree. But it completely avoids, and belittles the death of the birth experience and the bonding that you and baby missed out on because of the (sometimes very necessary & life-saving) intervention. It changes something that should be beautiful and warm into something cold, frightening, and out of your control; not to mention woozy, paralyzed, and helpless. I'm sorry you had that experience. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you and your husband were treated that way, and that there isn't much outlet for dealing with the psychological aftermath of that experience. You probably should seek some kind of counseling. Honestly, you can have PTSD from that kind of experience, and even just talking to someone about it might help you process it and move forward. I need to take my own advice, actually. ;)

(((HUGS)))

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#86 of 86 Old 09-02-2014, 07:35 PM
 
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I don't quite know where to start... First off, I want to thank you having a safe place where we can post about our experiences. As I'm reading through everyone's stories, I'm bawling my eyes out because I can totally relate. My oldest daughter is now six and a half and I am STILL struggling with her birth. I've tried telling myself to get over it, push it down and not try to think about it, but whenever I see/hear about my friends having these amazing vaginal deliveries/home births it just makes me feel like a failure. So it all started when we got pregnant with our first. I was super fine with a hospital delivery, honestly because I really didn't know what other options there were. My SIL was training to be a midwife and she educated me on what my options were. We decided to go with a midwife and have an at home birth. I had prodromal (sp?) labor for about a week and was at about a one. I started more active labor on Thursday morning, steady contractions, walked up and down our apt stair case 100 times (yes, I counted) and I wasn't progressing. I got to a 4. We did everything from herbs, changing positions anything and everything to get that baby to come out, and no progression. My midwife told me that we needed to strongly consider that we were going to the hospital. I was freaking out because I didn't want to go, but by this time, it was Friday night and we were all exhausted. So we went to the hospital. They broke my water. They put me on pitocin on which I labored on for 8 additional hours with no pain meds. Needless to say, exhausted didn't even begin to describe how I was feeling. Then came the first epidural. It wore off. Came the second epidural. It wore off. As they were monitoring everything, they said that my baby's heart rate was dropping and they needed to do a csection. I burst into tears because I felt like I was giving up. My sweet husband and midwife told me that there wasn't anything else we could do to get this baby out, so with a very heavy heart I agreed to the section. I don't remember much after that because I was so tired. But we did say that we wanted skin to skin, nurse exclusively and they looked at us like we were stupid. It was ridiculous. Luckily I had an awesome birth team that was very supportive and made the hospital staff very aware of what we wanted for our baby. I must say, recovery was brutal. Laboring for that long was strenuous physically, and I was exhausted emotionally. My recoop from my fist section took about a year, which is pretty normal. With my second baby, same thing happened. Planned a home birth, there was no progression, ended up with another section. For third baby I wanted to attempt VBAC again and my dr was very supportive. Once I went into labor I told my husband, screw it, do the section because I can't afford to have a long recovery because I have two other little ones that are depending on me. So my third recovery was super fast but now it's been two and a half years since my last baby and my scar still gets tender every once in awhile. I asked my dr if that will go away and she said for some people, it does, for others it doesn't. Apparently, I'm one that doesn't. I'm still trying to figure out this out of whack circle that happened. I was ok with hospital, then moved to wanting a home birth, to ending up in the hospital kicking and screaming because I wanted a home birth. I think that's where my struggle is. Why. Why it had to happen that way. Why I couldn't progress. I feel like I'm not a real woman because I couldn't give birth to my own children. Yes, they are happy and healthy, but mentally, I'm still not ok. Was it my fault that I couldn't progress? Was it my fear that made me not be able to do what I know my body is supposed to naturally do? These are the questions that have been haunting me for the past years. Thank you for allowing me to share. I hope that this will be the beginning of my healing journey because this really does suck. I want to heal but have had no clue where to begin. So here's to new beginnings!!!
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