New Here :) I feel like a failure. C-sec. Longish - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: Did you have this problem after your c-sec?
Yes 5 38.46%
No 8 61.54%
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#1 of 12 Old 02-14-2012, 04:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay long story short.

Not only am i being honest with everyone here, for the first time truely writting how i feel about the birth of my son.

 

Im 18 years young in April. Engaged to my partner of 3 years. Have a 14 month old who was born in December 2010 When i was 16. At 37 weeks pregnant my OB told me that i was in labour. 39 weeks 1 day after 2 weeks i had a c-section. Gave birth to a 7lbs 8oz, 20 inch baby boy.

 

My OB told me i would need a c-section since my son way no way near engaged at 38 weeks, still high in my ribs. The hospital at my next appointment told me i was fine since baby was fine and said they'd see me at 40 weeks. I booked a c-section that day for 4 days later. I panic and trusted my OB who had kn own me for a long time before i was pregnant. He was also my normal everyday doctor for years. After i booked the c-sec i went for a u/s to check out everything before the day. The u/s tech told me she believe there was no way that baby would fit.

 

Here i am 14 months later, I hate it. I hate they i didnt wait and give it more time. Maybe my son would have engaged. Now i was told i would never have a vaginal birth (where i live and the hospital i go to doesnt do VBACS) yes i know go to a different hospital with my next but for me thats no an option.

 

II had nothing special about my birth. Simple c-sec, No special music or stuff like that. In and out, sliced and diced.

 

I get really depressed about it. I have no special labour story or excitement about it! i knew the date of his birth. i knew how it would go and what would happen.

 

I hate hearing YOU HAVE A HEALTHY BABY ! you should be happy!

 

No im allowed to be upset and i want someone to tell me im not the only one!

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#2 of 12 Old 02-15-2012, 09:45 AM
 
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hug2.gif

 

People sometimes forget that just because there is a *most* important thing (a healthy baby) that other things can be important, too.  I'm sorry you are still hurting over your c-section. 


 

 

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#3 of 12 Old 02-15-2012, 10:44 AM
 
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I think you need to stop blaming yourself for the c-section.  You did what a docotor you trusted told you to do.  Second guessing the past is only going to torment yourself more.

 

I had a c-section after hours of labor because my baby was breach.  I still have feelings of being unhappy with the birth because it didn't go the way I had envisioned all those months.  I think you have the right to be unhappy about it, but at somepoint you do have to let go and move on. Yes. I know that is easier to say than to do.   

 

I'm sure to your young ears this will sound lame, but you do have a special story.  Your birth story is still unique to you.  I think comparing your story to other women is doing yourself an injustice. It was also special because it gave you your child.  Many women intentionally schedule inductions and c-sections so they will know the day,etc. 

 

In your subject line you said you feel like a failure...  Seems to me you expect a lot from yourself.  Do you see all women who have had c-sections as being failures?   I'll assume not.  So, don't put an extra burden on yourself. 

 

In the end you will never know, if he would have engaged or not.  At the time you were more worried about the baby than the delivery and did what you thought was the right thing.   You made a choice that gave you healthy baby.  I don't think that makes you a failure.


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#4 of 12 Old 02-15-2012, 11:48 AM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by wissa19 View Post

 

Do you see all women who have had c-sections as being failures?   I'll assume not.  So, don't put an extra burden on yourself. 

 


What a great sentiment, wissa19!

 

Most everybody who's had a child via c/s gets the "but you had a healthy baby" line.  While that is true (if, indeed, a mom was fortunate enough to have a healthy child), wissa19 was also accurate that the process is important as well (to many or most moms).

 

As you said, you ARE allowed to be sad and have ambivalent feelings regarding your son's birth.  You have a right to have any feeling that comes your way.  It's how those feelings are expressed, processed, and come to terms with that will eventually bring you some resolution.

 

I hope you have some local IRL support.  Please consider looking into La Leche or a mom's group...those were both invaluable for me after my c/s.

 

I'm also glad you found MDC and this forum!  Welcome!

 


 sleepytime.gif I got tired of my signature, but I still love my children and husband and miss my little brotherkid.gif

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#5 of 12 Old 02-15-2012, 12:05 PM
 
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The "system" failed you. I am sorry for this.  I would not go to this dr again.

You did what you felt was right at the time.... they were lying to you.

Hugs mama.


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#6 of 12 Old 02-24-2012, 08:14 PM
 
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I really agree with Mom31.

 

It is not a natural thing to walk in to a hospital for next to no reason and get your baby cut out from you.  It is very hard to process.  You have every right to be upset.  You are not the only one dealing with this disconnect of walking in generally healthy and having a c-section.

 

There was a chapter in here that helped me, #4 I think, if you have time to read it.

http://www.amazon.ca/Silent-Knife-Cesarean-Prevention-Vaginal/dp/0897890272

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#7 of 12 Old 02-28-2012, 07:00 PM
 
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You arenot alone feeling badly about your c/s. Yes, it is OK. You DO, however, have a story. It's just mot the story you were wanting or hoping for. Tell it anyway. Cry about it. Let your emotions flow so you can work through it. I found journaling through my third pg helped me process both my c/s. I second finding a support group. The International Cesarean Awareness Network might be better than LLL. You shouldbe able to find a local group at www.ican-online.org

It's hard to hear the "you should be happy" line over and over. Unfortunately, it doesn't go away. I hope you are able to find some friends (or make new friends) that you can talk about your experience with. I'm more than happy to be one of those people,though being online might not be as helpful; I don't know. PM me if you like.
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#8 of 12 Old 03-16-2012, 10:48 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom31 View Post

The "system" failed you. I am sorry for this.  I would not go to this dr again.

You did what you felt was right at the time.... they were lying to you.

Hugs mama.



I agree. YOU should not feel bad. I hope your doc and that sono tech lie awake, wracked with guilt over what they did to you. Sending a hug! 

 

eta: ICAN is a fantastic resource. There should be a chapter near you. 


Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. ~Dylan Thomas

 

<3 LBM <3 AHM <3

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#9 of 12 Old 01-19-2013, 01:38 PM
 
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It's a bit harsh saying that they lied - what evidence is there that anyone intended to deceive this young lady? And 'the system let you down' is a meaningless phrase in this instance - being unable to take a live, healthy baby home due to errors is a more realistic example of system failure. Don't forget, OP, that most women's labours are too painful and overwhelming for them to be able to enjoy special music or other frills. All the way through my five labours, all I could think was, Please let this be over soon! Enjoy your gorgeous baby, give yourself time to grow up a bit more, and if you choose a c/s for your next baby, bring along a favourite CD to play in the OR. Good luck!!
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#10 of 12 Old 02-10-2013, 12:02 AM
 
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HUGS!  You are not alone!

 

 I too felt like nobody would just listen to me after my CS, and the problem was that I didn't really need people to listen to what I was saying *now*, after the birth,  I wanted more people to have listened *then*, during the decision making process of my CS.  And neither of us can go back and be listened to then, so that one is off the table.  Chatting to the world via the internet, while gratifying, didn't actually get me any further toward feeling heard, or toward preventing being ignored like that ever again.  Talking to my husband and my family and later my midwife were what really helped me.  Largely my husband, because as a team we figured out what it would take to get our wishes respected in the heat of the moment, long before there was that moment, in the evet of another baby.  I also second the ICAN recommendation, although for me it was more of a stepping stone toward telling my family how I feel than an end goal in itself.   

 

midwife123 - I agree with you about all the commentators.  Feeling unlistened to doesn't mean you were actively lied to, and all during my next birth, all I could think was, "this is horrible! who signs up for this? this HURTS."  There is no such thing as the easy way to have kids (and I had 4 and 8 hour labors, respectively).  Its all hard, and its all worth it. 

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#11 of 12 Old 02-10-2013, 12:41 AM
 
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I had planned for a completely natural birth. But my daughter was 5 days late and I ended up with a c-section because I had a sonogram and it said the baby was running out of amniotic fluid. My OB said that I had to deliver that day. Sometimes I feel like it was all a clever rouse to get me to have to baby before Christmas (she was born 1 week before). Then I think I'm being paranoid. I waiver back and forth. It is annoying to hear the "you got a healthy baby" line but it's also true and I remember that each time I pick up my little one.
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#12 of 12 Old 02-10-2013, 04:09 PM
 
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Dear Jaydens Mummy,

You are doing the right thing by exploring your feelings surrounding the birth of your children. 

You are expressing sadness, hurt and anger in a forum where everyone here hears you.

If you want to hold onto the feeling that the medical establishment let you down you are free to do so. 

I hope that by expressing your inner thoughts you will lessen the power these disappointments have over your day to day life.

You can still be the coolest hippest mom in town and you do not have to forfeit your goddess status.

Be the mother you aspire to be.

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