I feel like I missed the most important moment of my life... *pictures added* - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 39 Old 04-03-2012, 07:32 AM
 
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When people tell a mother that she should be happy that her baby is healthy and that's "all that matters," they usually mean no harm. But, what that statement insinuates, IMO, is that a woman is like a Volkswagon in a crash test. As long as the passenger inside survived safely, who cares if the car's all banged up? 

 

A woman is more than a car or a human incubator on legs. We have our own emotions and feelings and needs. Of course we are relieved when our babes are healthy. But that is NOT the only thing that matters. Our hearts and our experiences matter too. You can simultaneously celebrate a healthy baby and mourn losing the birth experience you longed for. The two are not mutually exclusive.

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#32 of 39 Old 04-03-2012, 09:47 AM
 
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#33 of 39 Old 04-03-2012, 11:00 AM
 
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Oh, mama. I know how you feel. I had a "crash" csection under general anesthesia, and whenever I see pics of just-born babies and their smiling parents, I cry. When people ask me about my daughter's birth and I tell the story, and they respond with, "Oh well. All that matters is a healthy baby!" it's a struggle not to punch the offender in the head. (Partaria: I like your analogy. I describe it as going to sleep one night as a HS sophomore and waking up at 19. On one hand, I'm grateful for the experience of starting high school. But I missed getting a yearbook and prom and graduation - everything that transitions you from adolescence to adulthood. It's possible to grow up w/o these things, but it's infinitely harder). 

 

A few things helped me: 

My DH. I'm lucky and am married to an amazingly wonderful, supportive man. 

Breastfeeding. The ability to BF literally saved my sanity. 

ICAN. I found the group on FB, and showed up at a meeting. It's a huge relief to walk into a room and have everyone just "get it." 

VBAC. The second question I asked in recovery, after "Is the baby ok?" was "Can I have a VBAC for #2?" The answer from everyone was a resounding yes, and I cling to that like a lifeline. There are no do-overs for my daughter's birth, but I'll get another chance when we have another baby. 

 

Find a support group or a private therapist. What's your partner like? Does he understand? Talking to someone helps. Write. Create art. Do something to give the emotion an outlet. 

 

sending a hug!


Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. ~Dylan Thomas

 

<3 LBM <3 AHM <3

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#34 of 39 Old 04-03-2012, 11:01 AM
 
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oh she is beautiful! Sorry you had such a traumatic and scary birth experience. I also had a surprise emergency c section, plus my baby had to go in the nicu after birth for a while- so I do know how you feel! I guess I processed it differently than you did- as we all have our own experiences. I urge you to forgive yourself, you have nothing to feel guilty for! While your birth was traumatic, you made the right choices to save your baby. birth is so life changing- as is parenting. I think we have every moment of our children's lives to be there for them and it sounds like you absolutely are there for your daughter. Birht is important, but before I had my son, I had a high level of expectation that my birth had to be a certain way. It was so different than that- and my baby is fine- as yours probably is too. I know you are saying you are the one suffering for it- but perhaps if you look at it differently you can forgive yourself and ease and heal some of the trauma. Every moment is a chance to be there for our children. the birth is just one of the many experiences of parenting. I hope you can find some healing with this. I know for me I didn't know too many people who had had c sectins- most of my freinds had had home births- so coming here to MDC helped a lot when I was processing some of the grief. To see that so many other women who are natural attachment parenting minded also had c sections and it is no way made them worse of a mother. For me I came around to see that my birth was just this huge change in my life- huge change in my body(2 yrs later I am just starting to rebuild my core only recently) and it really exemplified how huge a change becoming a mom was for me. My whole entire life changed, as we all know from being parents. anyway- just trying to say that I totally get how you feel traumatized but I hope you can go easy on yourself and not let the guilt or trauma create feelings of low self worht or whatever. While a c section is not ideal, it is still an honest and noble way to bring a child into ths world. hugs and peace to you.

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#35 of 39 Old 04-08-2012, 05:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I haven't been able to come back here for a few days, so to return and see so many positive posts is overwhelming. once again you've all reduced me to tears, but that is not a bad thing. It is helpful to hear that so many other woman faced similar situations. It's really hard to relate to my friends in real life because I don't know a SINGLE one who had to have a c-section. Let alone one who had to have a c-section and be put under general. Not to mention being single and having no husband to support them. All of these things equal a unique experience and I've yet to find anybody to really relate to. Somebody who I can call or talk to when I am feeling especially low or sad. I do have my mother - thankfully - but it's nice to hear support from others. My mom's experience with me was very similar - general c-section and single at the time - but there is still the sense of knowing that she has to support me no matter what - she is my mother!

 


 

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Originally Posted by TheDivineMrsM View Post

 

A few things helped me: 

My DH. I'm lucky and am married to an amazingly wonderful, supportive man. 

Breastfeeding. The ability to BF literally saved my sanity. 

ICAN. I found the group on FB, and showed up at a meeting. It's a huge relief to walk into a room and have everyone just "get it." 

VBAC. The second question I asked in recovery, after "Is the baby ok?" was "Can I have a VBAC for #2?" The answer from everyone was a resounding yes, and I cling to that like a lifeline. There are no do-overs for my daughter's birth, but I'll get another chance when we have another baby. 

 

 

As sad as it is, even reading tha tmakes me feel jealous. I have no husband or SO - I have been single since I found out I was pregnant and the father decided he wasn't ready for that level of commitment. Funny story - he was in bed with his "best friend" 2 days after leaving me (through text message to boot) and is still with her to this day...
 
I also was unable to breastfeed. A combination of flat nipples and a receeding chin made it very very frustrating for both she and I, though I tried for months and pumped until she was 6 months old.

As I am still single, I don't know if I will even get to have another baby, let alone a vbac. I intend to try, but after such a traumatic experience and discovering that, as my doctor put it, my body just wasn't taking well to labor, I am scared I will end up with another emergency c-section and miss it all again.

I'm scared that if I TRY to have a VBAC by the time they realize it's not possible I will be too far in, and then something will happen again and I'll have to be put under because apparently epidurals don't work well with me =/
 

 

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#36 of 39 Old 04-08-2012, 06:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Shanon Mellan View Post

As sad as it is, even reading tha makes me feel jealous. I have no husband or SO - I have been single since I found out I was pregnant and the father decided he wasn't ready for that level of commitment. Funny story - he was in bed with his "best friend" 2 days after leaving me (through text message to boot) and is still with her to this day...
 
As I am still single, I don't know if I will even get to have another baby, let alone a vbac. I intend to try, but after such a traumatic experience and discovering that, as my doctor put it, my body just wasn't taking well to labor, I am scared I will end up with another emergency c-section and miss it all again.

I'm scared that if I TRY to have a VBAC by the time they realize it's not possible I will be too far in, and then something will happen again and I'll have to be put under because apparently epidurals don't work well with me =/
 

 

Shanon, I can relate in so many ways.. I had my first two boys while "married". I use that term loosely because my "husband" was never committed to us, cheated constantly, left us over 20 times in a 3 year period, and was never supportive of me at all. While he was still there and I wasn't totally single, it would have been better for me and for my kids if he had just left and stayed gone. Finally when my kids were 16 months and 2 months old, he did - for a girl he met during an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting while I was in labor for 4 days with our second child. He called me on the phone (at the time texting was a few years in the future) and told me he didn't want to be a father or a husband and he had made a mistake. I let him go, and we were happier without him even if things were really scary and very hard, for about 10 years. I met a man in 2009 who asked me to marry him after we'd dated a while. He was the first I'd introduced to my kids in their entire lives. I let him stay overnight at our house, meet my parents, the whole nine yards. I found out I was pregnant in Nov 2009 with complete shock and something like panic, I hadn't had a child in almost ten years and was unmarried! It really freaked me out, and his response was textbook jerk. He basically told me he didn't want another baby, he had 2 from a previous marriage, and he thought I should have an abortion. I don't believe in abortion, I would never have been able to live with myself (I know some women view it as an option, but it isn't for me). I denied and he flipped. He called me from work crying repeatedly, begging me to get rid of "it". He was deployed to Afghanistan 2 months later and while he was there he stopped returning my calls, emails and texts completely. I thought something had happened to him and was terrified only to find out in an email 2 weeks after Valentine's Day that he was rekindling an old relationship while overseas. I got the email on my phone while almost 5 months pregnant, sitting in a doctor's office with my 2nd child who had strep. He dumped me in that email, telling me if I felt I needed to put the baby up for adoption he would support that decision. I never spoke to him again. 

 

I went through the rest of my pregnancy feeling scared and alone, but had to pretend things were great for the sake of my older kids because they were excited about having a new baby and I didn't want to scare them or take that excitement from them. A month and a half before my baby was due, I very accidentally met a man who asked me if we could possibly date, and I thought he was crazy. I spent 10 years alone, got dumped while pregnant, and this guy wants to date?? Yeah right, I thought lol. So after refusing, shooting him down, telling him I wasn't ready, he finally offered to be there for me when the baby was born. I felt sure that if I agreed he would go away because no one had ever stuck around, especially people who had made promises. But he did. He called me, visited me every day, bought a box of diapers or wipes or whatever we needed to get ready for the baby, and when I finally went into labor he was at my house in 15 minutes kneeling on the floor rubbing my back. It was surreal, but amazing. He was there when my baby was born, the first to hold him, and he had tears in his eyes when he brought him to me. We've been married for 2 years, and our 4th child is due on April 18th. So, while I know how scary your situation feels, you are not alone. You are strong - you have to be, you're the single most important person to your daughter - and even though you need your strength having people to talk to is so important. I know as well as anyone that that is true. 

 

My first birth was a csection for no good reason, my doctor also told me some women weren't made for child birth. I posted that experience here in an earlier response, but you know what? Turns out my body is phenomenal in labor!! I take a long time, my shortest labor was 7 hours but my longest was 4 days, and after that first nightmare my 2 VBAC's were totally awesome. I am expecting my 3rd VBAC to be just as great and will be having another water birth, which is incredibly helpful for me. A word of advice - education and preparation are extremely important for a woman attempting VBAC. If you choose to have another child, I would suggest the Bradley Method of Childbirth, contacting the ICAN chapter in your area, getting a doula, having people you trust present at your birth experience and shopping around for a doctor or midwife who supports you. Even though you had a true emergency in your first birth, that doesn't mean they will all end the same way, each birth is different. It is possible to deliver naturally after a traumatic experience, sometimes it can even be very healing, and even if it ends with another csection, at least you got to try. I wish you all the luck in the world!!
 

 


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#37 of 39 Old 04-08-2012, 09:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Shanon, I can relate in so many ways.. I had my first two boys while "married". I use that term loosely because my "husband" was never committed to us, cheated constantly, left us over 20 times in a 3 year period, and was never supportive of me at all. While he was still there and I wasn't totally single, it would have been better for me and for my kids if he had just left and stayed gone. Finally when my kids were 16 months and 2 months old, he did - for a girl he met during an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting while I was in labor for 4 days with our second child. He called me on the phone (at the time texting was a few years in the future) and told me he didn't want to be a father or a husband and he had made a mistake. I let him go, and we were happier without him even if things were really scary and very hard, for about 10 years. I met a man in 2009 who asked me to marry him after we'd dated a while. He was the first I'd introduced to my kids in their entire lives. I let him stay overnight at our house, meet my parents, the whole nine yards. I found out I was pregnant in Nov 2009 with complete shock and something like panic, I hadn't had a child in almost ten years and was unmarried! It really freaked me out, and his response was textbook jerk. He basically told me he didn't want another baby, he had 2 from a previous marriage, and he thought I should have an abortion. I don't believe in abortion, I would never have been able to live with myself (I know some women view it as an option, but it isn't for me). I denied and he flipped. He called me from work crying repeatedly, begging me to get rid of "it". He was deployed to Afghanistan 2 months later and while he was there he stopped returning my calls, emails and texts completely. I thought something had happened to him and was terrified only to find out in an email 2 weeks after Valentine's Day that he was rekindling an old relationship while overseas. I got the email on my phone while almost 5 months pregnant, sitting in a doctor's office with my 2nd child who had strep. He dumped me in that email, telling me if I felt I needed to put the baby up for adoption he would support that decision. I never spoke to him again. 

 

I went through the rest of my pregnancy feeling scared and alone, but had to pretend things were great for the sake of my older kids because they were excited about having a new baby and I didn't want to scare them or take that excitement from them. A month and a half before my baby was due, I very accidentally met a man who asked me if we could possibly date, and I thought he was crazy. I spent 10 years alone, got dumped while pregnant, and this guy wants to date?? Yeah right, I thought lol. So after refusing, shooting him down, telling him I wasn't ready, he finally offered to be there for me when the baby was born. I felt sure that if I agreed he would go away because no one had ever stuck around, especially people who had made promises. But he did. He called me, visited me every day, bought a box of diapers or wipes or whatever we needed to get ready for the baby, and when I finally went into labor he was at my house in 15 minutes kneeling on the floor rubbing my back. It was surreal, but amazing. He was there when my baby was born, the first to hold him, and he had tears in his eyes when he brought him to me. We've been married for 2 years, and our 4th child is due on April 18th. So, while I know how scary your situation feels, you are not alone. You are strong - you have to be, you're the single most important person to your daughter - and even though you need your strength having people to talk to is so important. I know as well as anyone that that is true. 

 

My first birth was a csection for no good reason, my doctor also told me some women weren't made for child birth. I posted that experience here in an earlier response, but you know what? Turns out my body is phenomenal in labor!! I take a long time, my shortest labor was 7 hours but my longest was 4 days, and after that first nightmare my 2 VBAC's were totally awesome. I am expecting my 3rd VBAC to be just as great and will be having another water birth, which is incredibly helpful for me. A word of advice - education and preparation are extremely important for a woman attempting VBAC. If you choose to have another child, I would suggest the Bradley Method of Childbirth, contacting the ICAN chapter in your area, getting a doula, having people you trust present at your birth experience and shopping around for a doctor or midwife who supports you. Even though you had a true emergency in your first birth, that doesn't mean they will all end the same way, each birth is different. It is possible to deliver naturally after a traumatic experience, sometimes it can even be very healing, and even if it ends with another csection, at least you got to try. I wish you all the luck in the world!!
 

 


 

Wow. You're story just totally blew me out of the water.

I am so touched by what you had to go through - it makes me feel incredibly grateful that I never had to deal with anything that extreme, at least in the relationship department.

And thank you for your advice, and your hopeful words. Maybe one day the right man will show up for me, but that's not even really something I'm looking for at this point. I enjoy being a single mother for the most part - except for the constant financial strain, but that's an entirely DIFFERENT story lol. Besides that I co-sleep - so where would I put a boyfriend? ;D

But I do have hope that one day I will be able to have a baby with the right person. I can't imagine how different it would be to have a supportive partner there for every step of the journey. As much as I enjoy being a single mother there are days even now that I am exhausted - my daughter is EXTREMELY busy and very go-go-go, and she's walking already too! But I hold out hope that one day I will be able to deliver vaginally, and I have every intention of using a doula next time around. The hospital staff were terrible where I was - seriously terrible - and I need to have somebody there who supports and cares about me next time around.

 

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#38 of 39 Old 04-08-2012, 09:45 PM
 
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I'm sure what you went through felt as hard to you as my situation did to me. It's all experiences, the harder you have it sometimes the stronger you are in the end. Being a single mom was hard, but ultimately easier than being the ball and chain to a person who didn't want us to begin with - and I understand the financial difficulty, boy do I!! I was able to get to know my kids and be a part of every moment of their lives, and they know now more than ever that they really are my reason for living. They know no matter who comes and goes, we are all constant in each others' lives'. It's been hard but more worth it than anything I've ever done. And I co-sleep too, so sometimes my husband would wake up with little heels digging at his back, but he loved it. One day yours will too, but you are going to be fine until then. Enjoy your girl time :)

 

I'm sure you will meet the right person when the time is right for you, and he'll love your beautiful little sweetheart as much as you do. It's great having my husband now, but what's even better is that he knows I did everything on my own before he showed up (and I tease him that he was late lol) and I can handle ANYTHING. I hope the next time you have a calm, peaceful, intimate birth experience that brings you the feelings you missed the first time. If you ever need any info, I'm a militant VBAC-er, so don't hesitate to ask - I'll probably be able to at least point you in a good direction! ;)


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#39 of 39 Old 04-09-2012, 05:15 AM
 
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