How to overcome extreme sadness about emergency c-section? Need help ladies! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 04-14-2013, 02:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi ladies!

 

This is my first time on here, and I've been yearning for months to reach out for some help and advice. I'll start by telling you a little about my story.

 

On November 18th, I was due to start the induction process with my daughter. She is my first. I began labor on my own that night before I arrived to the hospital. I was super excited that I would not have to get induced. I labored until about midnight and hit 2cm and was 80% effaced. By 3:30am I had hit 5cm and 100% effaced. I did receive and epidural at this point, I was in excruciating pain, my back felt like it was breaking. The epidural knocked me out, hubby and me slept for a couple hours. By 7:30am, the nurse said I had hit 7cm. My OB checked me, said I was only 5 maybe 6. Baby was still at -3 station... felt that was odd. Had an u/s at 39 weeks to rule out breech... so we knew it wasn't that.

 

They broke my water and she said we had "pea soup" meaning my sweet little daughter passed her first meconium... very scary to hear. Her heart rate instantly plummeted. They got me on my hands and knees to try and ease her down. Twenty minutes passed and nothing changed except my daughter's health, which worsened. It all happened so quickly. They mentioned c-section to me as a possibility and I cried a little. OB came back in to check me, and my DD's head was very swollen and her heart rate was still plummenting.... going down to 80bpm, sometimes we'd lose her. I was told I had to have a c-section.

 

They rushed me in to the OR, husband barely made it in the room, but he did. At 8:49 am on November 19, 2012 we welcomed a daughter, Averee Morgan, 7lbs8oz 20.5" long. He witnessed our daughter being born and we both cried when we heard her. We discovered she was posterior, the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck several times, and my pelvis wasn't wide enough to deliver her... great. I slept, was able to nurse her about an hour after delivery... felt okay for the most part. Recovered very well, breastfeeding was going great... then....

 

I just started feeling EXTREMELY depressed about my c-section. She is almost five months. I cry sometimes because I feel like such crap. I feel my scar and cry, think about my labor experience and cry. I always think of how much I wanted to deliver her naturally, and how she'd be laid on my skin and she'd nurse right away and my husband and I would just look at her in awe. But no, that was taken from me. I feel so guilty all the time. It breaks me down... I don't know what to do. HELP. How do I overcome this terrible feeling? All that should matter is my baby is here and healthy... and that means the world to me. But I think she suffered quite a bit from the trauma of c-section, too... and it's so heartbreaking to me. I feel like I should have been able to do SOMETHING.....gloomy.gif


joy.gifProud to be a stay at home mommy to: Averee Morgan DOB 11/19/12energy.gif

stork-girl.gifExpecting baby #2 12/18/13belly.gif

nak.gifWe breastfeed and baby wear femalesling.GIF

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#2 of 8 Old 04-14-2013, 11:05 PM
 
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*hugs* I wish I had better advice for you but all I can say is you need to talk to someone. Seek professional help. Birth trauma is common so look for someone in your area who specializes in it. I had slight ppd and a precipitous labor that was a little traumatic and found myself crying often after the birth. I also was not able to breastfeed which was devastating to me. I found that after months I still couldn't get over it. It was just SO not the way I pictured it all would be and that was very difficult to accept. It really helped to talk to someone.

It also helped me greatly to walk through the whole birth and what happened after with my husband several times. We would walk through each step and I would process it and cry. It really helped me to cope with it and move on.

Above all please try not to be hard on yourself. I'm sorry you're going through this. Take care mama.
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#3 of 8 Old 04-14-2013, 11:17 PM
 
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Talk it out. My issues with my birth literally did not start to not feel suffocating until my son was a year. My whole family knows to not talk about it unless I bring it up and it was not nearly as traumatizing as yours. I think the feelings you have are normal. I agree with the pp. Talk it out step by step. I told my partner about it at least 100 times and my sister even more. Its ok to cry and mourn that loss of that birth. I agree finding someone more professional to talk to might also help but make sure they understand or have worked with birth trauma before because the stuff someone who doesn't understand can say can really sting. It will be ok mama. It will get better. I would say my heartache peaked around 6 months pp.
 

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#4 of 8 Old 04-15-2013, 06:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ladies, thank you. I really appreciate your kind words!


joy.gifProud to be a stay at home mommy to: Averee Morgan DOB 11/19/12energy.gif

stork-girl.gifExpecting baby #2 12/18/13belly.gif

nak.gifWe breastfeed and baby wear femalesling.GIF

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#5 of 8 Old 04-15-2013, 07:39 AM
 
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<3 Sending you love and healing thoughts!

For me, having another birth experience helped, one that I felt I had more control in. (Even though the events were almost the same as the first birth and still ended in a cesarean- I was in a much better place emotionally & I knew more of what to expect).

Talk about it, write about it, cry cry cry. Mourn the birth experience you didn't have.

Time also helps!!
<3
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#6 of 8 Old 04-15-2013, 07:55 AM
 
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It is hard to have an experience so different from the one you imagined.  I agree with the other posters that talking would be very helpful, and I'd also suggest maybe writing about it, just for yourself.  I don't know if this is really taboo to say here, and please forgive me if it is, but it sounds like you really needed a c-section to make sure your daughter make it through happy and healthy.  There is nothing you could have done to prevent the c-section or to prevent her distress during the birth.  It isn't your fault you needed a cesarean.  Your daughter might have been traumatized by the c-section, but I'm confident that the love you've given her since that more than makes up for it and that she'll be fine.
 


WAHM to Sofia 12/09 and angel1.gif 4/13

 

"If you want to be happy, be."  Tolstoy

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#7 of 8 Old 04-15-2013, 06:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies!

 

Now even more worked up because I found out I'm expecting baby #2 today... ahhhhhhh wth! lol Excited but very nervous. I don't know what to expect with a pregnancy so soon after having her c-section.


joy.gifProud to be a stay at home mommy to: Averee Morgan DOB 11/19/12energy.gif

stork-girl.gifExpecting baby #2 12/18/13belly.gif

nak.gifWe breastfeed and baby wear femalesling.GIF

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#8 of 8 Old 05-22-2013, 01:43 PM
 
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hug2.gif

It's perfectly alright and natural for you to have these feelings. Having an emergency c/s is a very traumatizing event, but thankfully we do have the resources available to us when it is necessary. With your daughter's heart rate going so low, it seems that your c/s was necessary, but I wouldn't give too much credit to their saying that your pelvis was/is too small or her being posterior. Many women have given birth to posterior babes, and many "small" women have given birth to big babies.

 

I agree with the other mamas about writing and talking out your feelings. Even crying about it is good. You may never be completely satisfied with what happened, but don't ever feel guilty for it or blame yourself. Instead, rejoice that you have a healthy, happy little girl to kiss and hug.


Wife, and mommy to 6 kiddos : ds REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 6/7/05, emer. cs; angel1.gif 1/06; ds bikenew.gif, 12/5/06, repeat cs; dd blowkiss.gif, 4/28/08, repeat cs; ds flowersforyou.gif, 10/23/09, repeat c/s; ds guitar.gif, 3/25/11, HBA4C; dd energy.gif, 4/28/13, waterbirth.jpg2HBA4C!   IHhbac.gif & vbac.gif
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