Struggling with my C-section - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 55 Old 09-10-2013, 03:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone,

 

It's been a long time since I've posted here, but I need some support, some validation that this is not the result of me doing something wrong. About seven weeks ago, I "gave birth" to a beautiful son. I was convinced I would be the last person who would end up with a C-section. I had an uncomplicated, easy pregnancy. I researched everything to do with childbirth to the nth degree and took Hypnobabies classes. I switched from my OB to the hospital's midwives at five months. I had a birth plan, typed up with bullet points. My heart was set on a water birth; the hospital had just a few months prior acquired birthing tubs. I was so looking forward to going into labor. I had no fear, honestly. The Hypnobabies rhetoric instilled the belief in me that everything would go as planned simply because I wanted it to. Right.

 

My water broke at 11 PM on Tuesday, July 23. We waited all night for me to start contractions, trying to rest. The following morning I had still not gone into labor so we started natural induction methods--walking, nipple stimulation, pineapple, the whole works. I could feel my belly go hard at times, but no real contractions. At noonish, I called my Dr/Midwife practice and spoke to the attending midwife. I lied and said my water had broken that morning. Coincidentally I had an appointment scheduled that afternoon and she said to come in and get checked. I was only 1 CM. She advised me to come to the hospital by 9 PM to be induced (by my account it was 12 hours since my water broke but it was almost 24.) Of course, nothing happened by then. I wanted to delay longer but my husband insisted. Walking in I felt like I was going to my death. I was so upset about the Pitocin; little did I know in a little more than 24 hours I'd be fileted like a fish. All night long I labored. I watched my contractions on the screen become more regular and intense. But when they checked me, I was stuck at 3 CM. I was on 28 units (I think highest dose is 30) for 8+ hours and not a hint of progress. We thought maybe the epidural would relax me enough to dilate, but no such luck. I felt like a complete failure. My son was not in any distress, but he wasn't going anywhere, and the water had been broken almost 48 hours at this point. I felt helpless as I signed the consent for the C-section. The whole process was terrifying, even though the doctors tried to be reassuring. I had never had surgery in my entire life and here I was, in a situation where I HAD to have surgery that I had in no way planned for. The pulling and tugging was disconcerting and uncomfortable--I remember screaming when they were taking my son out. But even worse was having to look up at the damn ceiling, not being able to see or hold him for what seemed like hours. I had planned his birth down to the last detail, of waiting to cut his cord and rubbing his vernix into his skin as I held him on my chest. He was brought to me all bundled up, shiny and clean....and I felt disconnected from him. I felt like he wasn't mine. He stared at me with this intense gaze that felt like it was boring into my soul. I know he knew I was his mother. But I couldn't connect. What a horrible feeling! That feeling lasted until he was four weeks old. I'm convinced it was the reason I had such a hard time breastfeeding, which has been an ordeal in itself. Three outpatient lactation consultants, many tears, and $700+ later, we are now finally exclusively breast feeding! I still have a lot of guilt over how I handled the delivery and worry that my emotions in his first few weeks of life might affect his development, but there's nothing I can do now but move forward. Still in the back of my mind, I wonder why this happened to me. They said he was transverse occiput (on his side facing my hip) with his cord around his neck twice. My midwife said that's probably why he didn't descend, but according to my research nuchal cords are very common, even multiples. They usually don't cause a problem with normal vaginal delivery. Would care with the local homebirth practice make a difference in terms of them identifying his position and helping me get him engaged? (I know they are big on fetal positioning and generally much more thorough than the hospital midwives.) I'll never know. I thought I was making the best decision I could for him, and maybe I did. Maybe a homebirth would have resulted in a transfer anyway for failure to progress with ruptured membranes-and would've been even more stressful.

 

Can anyone shed light on this? I still feel like there must be something wrong with me that I couldn't birth my son naturally, or even go into labor on my own. And I'm grieving the loss of what could have been a beautiful, intimate birth.

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#2 of 55 Old 09-10-2013, 04:26 PM
 
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I had no problem going into labor on my own but I think something is wrong with me or the universe just hates me. My first csection was flat on my back, with a stuck posterior baby and me being in excruciating pain for a day. I actually ended up begging for a csection because I could get her out and was going crazy from the pain. I was also in a crappy hospital and had crappy caregivers.

My second I did spinning babies, hired a doula, read all the books joined all the forums. Researched and researched about natural birth. Found a vbac friendly provider. Was gbs neg. I was gonna rock this birth.

Well my forewater broke same as with first this time Istayed home as long as I could stand it. Went in, labored in triage. Dialated from a 1 to a 4 in no time but his head was still high.. As soon as they did the second check my water broke and the decels started. Long story short I ended up with a crash csection. Theory is his cord fell along side his head and was being compressed more and more. He was also asynlictic. So there I was once again getting cut to bring a baby into the world. This all happened in 6 hours. I didnt really even get a chance this time. I felt so defeated.

But it is also testimony that each birth is different. I had a csection for malposition and one that was a life or death situation. Next time you might sneeze and shoot your baby out. smile.gif
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#3 of 55 Old 09-11-2013, 03:47 PM
 
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I also wanted to add that sometimes no one knows why something happened they are only guesses. Good news is that you can vbac your next one. But just know regardless of what ncbs say, birth is unpredictable and sometimes dangerous. Brave choice for a momma to sacrifice her dreams and ideal experience and suffer a surgery for her child to make it safe and sound. You did the best you could. Be okay with that.
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#4 of 55 Old 09-11-2013, 04:48 PM
 
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Nuchal cords can sometimes cause no problems in normal vaginal delivery, but there is no denying that they sometimes do cause problems.  Some babies are born with the cord around their necks, even multiple times, but sometimes babies do get tangled up.  If the baby couldn't descend, it's no wonder labor didn't progress.  I don't think working with homebirth midwives would change that, it would just mean you labored at home longer, got to the hospital later, and were even more exhausted when you had the c-section.

 

There is nothing wrong with you, or your darling boy.  You had the bad luck to get tangled up, is all.

 

Even when birth goes perfectly, loads of mothers don't feel an instant bond with their children.  You had labored for more then two days, and then had surgery.  You were exhausted.  You were miles outside your comfort zone, and on morphine.  Nothing had gone to plan, and you sound pretty traumatized about that.  Your hormones were all over the map.  You weren't even sewn up yet, you were feeling the effects of blood loss, and you were really damn tired.  Also:  morphine.

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#5 of 55 Old 09-11-2013, 09:12 PM
 
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It sounds like because of the baby's head being positioned so strangely he just couldn't descend. The nuchal cord probably didn't help either. I don't think it is related to anything that you did. Maybe some positioning changes would have encouraged him to shift, but maybe not. Getting a c-section after your waters had been broken for so long but the baby was still doing okay was probably better than waiting for you to get even more tuckered out laboring and/or the baby to get an infection.

 

I don't see any reason that this would necessarily happen with your next baby, but you could keep an eye on the spinningbabies website for information about helping baby's position. It can't hurt. 

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#6 of 55 Old 09-15-2013, 11:35 PM
 
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I also struggled to come to terms with my first C-section.  I had planned on a natural homebirth since I was a teenager but things just didn't work out that way for me.  My first C-section was absolutely necessary (pre-eclampsia) and I am grateful that neither me nor my son had any lasting negative effects from that experience.  But I still mourned for what I felt I had lost.  I also really struggled with breast feeding my first son and eventually gave up at around 12 weeks.  That decision I do very much regret and I applaud you for sticking it out and making breast feeding work!!  I feel that my grief over his birth and a lack of connection in those first couple of days had a lot to do with how things turned out for me.  You overcame similar obstacles which is absolutely amazing and wonderful!  The good news is that I don't feel like those early experiences impacted our long term mother-son relationship.  He's now almost 11 and he's a smart, loving, intuitive child and we have a wonderful relationship.

 

I think you'll find that your experiences and feelings surrounding your child's birth can be separate from your feelings as a mother.  Birth only marks the beginning of motherhood and it doesn't determine how your relationship with your child develops.  Birth is significant and it can affect our self concept in many ways, but it doesn't even come close to defining us.  Be gentle with yourself and try not to dwell too much on a situation you couldn't have changed.  It really does sound like a situation where you did everything you could and a C-section was necessary. You didn't cause it and there isn't anything wrong with you as a woman. It doesn't sound as if you had poor obstetric care. You hit a major obstacle and agreed to a medical solution which allowed you and your child a safe outcome.  It's difficult and disappointing but it wasn't your fault.

 

You'll very likely be able to have a VBAC if you choose to have more children in the future.  I wasn't, due to various circumstances, and went on to have two more C-sections.  I have mixed feelings about them all, but I can honestly say that the second and third were primarily good experiences.  I was still sad that I wasn't able to experience "real" birth, but I have made a point of reveling in other significant moments of motherhood which I've found very healing. I'm sorry your C-section experience was scary and unpleasant and I truly hope you find healing soon.

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#7 of 55 Old 09-22-2013, 01:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the encouragement, ladies. I do feel a bit comforted in the fact that, in the moment, a C-section was necessary. It's not like I was talked into an induction by my doctor during the holidays and one thing led to another, or told I have a "big baby" and should schedule a section. The reality was that I couldn't just go around with my water broken forever. I did talk to one of the midwives at the homebirth practice I almost went with. She was so kind to spend the time with me and answer my questions. It sounds like they would have tried to turn him, but sometimes it still doesn't work. So I will never know the answer. I do still wish I had went with them even if I had still had to transfer because I really could've used the support after the birth (they come to your home three times after birth.)

 

Another thing I've found helpful is attending an ICAN meeting. Has anyone heard of them? The International Cesarean Awareness Network? It was good to hear other people's stories and realize that I'm not alone. Several ladies in the meeting were even planning a homebirth--just reminds you that anything can happen.

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#8 of 55 Old 09-22-2013, 09:06 PM
 
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Yes I participate in ICAN Atlanta. That is how I found my doula.
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#9 of 55 Old 09-22-2013, 09:21 PM
 
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I loved Hypnobabies, but I will say that one downside is that it really doesn't leave a place in your mind for anything other than the perfect birth.  When that doesn't happen, its kind of hard to reconcile with the months of Hypno preparation.  

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#10 of 55 Old 09-22-2013, 09:46 PM
 
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Bayosgirl187, I just had to respond to this. I had my twin girls almost 11 weeks ago, and they had to be born via a section due to breech and transverse presentations. I've wanted to do a homebirth since I was 17 years old--I'd read Sheila Kitzinger's Complete Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth, and I was convinced that when I grew up and got married, I would homebirth. I did everything during my pregnancy to ensure a natural birth--exercise, supplements, great diet, monitoring my sugar/blood pressure/weight between prenatals, hiring a midwife--and had to be cut anyway. I was DEVASTATED. My midwife dumped me, refused to be my doula/advocate or provide any more prenatals or do any prenatal checkups. She never even called me to see how the section went or what kind of shape my girls or I were in. I could not try ECV or moxibustion treatments to turn the babies, due to there being twins and having anterior/posterior placentas. So....they took my girls at 38 weeks and a day. I never got to go into labor. I felt horrible.

You did the very best you could, and you got thrown a curveball. It's totally natural to feel this way, and my heart goes out to you. I felt as if I were a failure to my kids somehow. I grieved over the birth I didn't get to have. I still feel a twinge of regret sometimes when I look at my scar. I carried twins, developed no stretch marks, but I have this (to me) huge scar on my abdomen. Lovely. But it had to be this way. Going into labor with my kids could have set us up for a double cord prolapse, among other complications. So...I did what had to be done, but still felt very bad about it.

There is nothing wrong with you. You didn't get the birth you wanted, and that is disappointing and frustrating. You have every right to feel this way. I am hopeful that you and I will both get a vbac the next time around. I'd actually love to try an hbac, even if I get pregnant with another set of twins (as long as the first is vertex. 80% of the time, this happens. Leave it to mine to be in the 20% that get in goofy positions). I have many factors for conceiving another set of fraternal twins....yes, nature did this, not IVF. I naturally conceived my girls after a heartbreaking miscarriage, years of infertility, fighting autoimmune disorders, and shortly after turning 36. I was never supposed to have any other kids....and now, I have two. You never know what can happen, or why things happen. So next time around, things may go completely differently for you. Be gentle and forgiving with yourself, know that you did the best you could with the situation you were dealt, and best of luck in dealing with the aftermath of your section. It's not easy. Feel free to PM me if you want or need to talk about things. And don't give up on getting a vbac or hbac next time around....again, you never know what might happen the next time around. You've been through a very tough situation, and the strength that you're going to gain from getting through it will only help you to face anything. Best of luck and congratulations on your son. He's got one tough mom who did her very best for him.

TizTaz5, wife of a wonderful husband, mother of ( June '09), two (July '13), and a little due March '15. hopeful!
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#11 of 55 Old 09-25-2013, 12:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Double post-sorry!

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#12 of 55 Old 09-25-2013, 12:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I loved Hypnobabies, but I will say that one downside is that it really doesn't leave a place in your mind for anything other than the perfect birth.  When that doesn't happen, its kind of hard to reconcile with the months of Hypno preparation.  

You are so right about that. I wish there were something in the program reminding us that even with a low-risk pregnancy, there is still the possibility that things won't go as we planned and it isn't our fault.

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#13 of 55 Old 09-25-2013, 08:32 PM
 
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I just read your story to dh and we can't believe how similar your story is to mine. I'd like to narrate to you my story but will come back to this thread. Have to go to bed now. You did the right thing given your circumstances and the knowledge you had. I always said had I known I'd have just let the labor begin when it would naturally begin and let the baby descend when she was ready. But that's just one of the thoughts I had. I have since had different ideas about it.


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#14 of 55 Old 09-25-2013, 08:59 PM
 
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bless you and your little family. i was so touched by your story. it is so hard when things fall apart in the most precious tender moments of our lives. i can only assure you that there is not a thing wrong with you, you grew your baby in a perfect, strong and beautiful body. reading your words i can just feel all the loving energy and planning you poured into the birth of your baby. relish that beautiful nursing relationship you have with your baby. you might find that it helps you heal a bit. and in the meantime be loving and gentle to your self. birth is hard and beautiful for a reason and never something we fully control despite our best most genuine efforts. i have had the experience of being less that thrilled with my birthing time and struggled with really bitter emotions for a long while. but i did come to a place of peace and so will you with time. additionally, after my first super hard, super long, super scream-y labor which made me doubt my birthing abilities i had a swift, hilarious and orgasmic second birth. the second is usually a smoother ride. i am holding you in the light mama.

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#15 of 55 Old 09-26-2013, 06:38 PM
 
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I don't know if this helps, but, in regard to Hypnobabies, I definitely felt like once my birth started deviating from the "perfect" birth I had envisioned, I just had very few resources to draw on.  Thankfully, my husband is the world's best birth partner, so that helped a lot.

 

It took me quite a while to reconcile my sad feelings after giving birth to my son.  Nothing went as planned.  I rely on two things to make me feel better about the whole thing: 1. a friend who had a similar situation to mine told me, "You know, a hundred years ago both of us would probably be dead."  Its awful, but true.  Preeclampsia  and eclampsia kill.  I was lucky.

And 2. I recreated my birth in my head.  If you have already created your perfect birth with Hypno, you should be able to do this.  I used the Deepening track and the other one that helps you create your perfect birth.  It took me some time, but I pretty much edited out all of the yucky parts of the birth and recreated history in my own personal version.  I don't care if it isn't accurate, I'm a lot happier with it.  I hope you can do it too :)

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#16 of 55 Old 10-01-2013, 08:08 AM
 
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It's such a long story. I did not go into detail.

 

The similarities are that my water broke but there was no labor pain or contractions. I had gone to the hospital a day later not knowing for sure the awater had broken. WAter birth at home was not possible any more since the baby was early. Midwife had never metioned before that that home birth wil not be possible in case of an early birth. Our fault to not have researched or asked her int eh first place. We don't know how much the cost will go up if we ask her to come to hospital AND pay hospital bill. So, we decide to ask her to not come (we were already not happy that we didn't know about this unexpected situation.) I chose hospital recommeded by midwife that had a hospital midwife. Hospital midwife and assistant have a few laughs at my midwife's expense who is not present of coruse. I wasn't expecting this kid of attitude from a midwife. I had this organic image of all midwives. I was so wrong. I think i was allowed to rest the first night, I don't remember what i did the next day but I remember the pitocin being injected the next night. All night i am in pain and I'm wired and all night I need to go pee. It was my worset nighmare. The nurse who was monitoring the baby's heartbeart was outside and was v. nice to come help me every 10 minutes. hell they shud have given me an adult diaper. The next afternoon and nothing has progressed. I ask to take a shower and am on pitocin again. Then they get me to push but nothing is happenign. I had also taken an epidural at some point. It seems like a blur now. But much later I realized the epidural is what prevented me from pushing. The pain wasn't even that much but I think I had had too much of the pitocin in the sense I had been on  it so long i didn't wan to feel the labor pain any more, even though it was bearable. As time passed I agree to a 2nd epidural. I don't know why. i felt so drugged I can't remember why i agreed or whether i asked for it. We were trying to push again and the baby's head was visible but I had no strength to push any more. At that time inspite of 2 epidurals I am in insane pain. I beg for a C-section. Turns out the pain was from teh baby suddenly turning.- transverse occiput. I blame all that on the huge amts. of drugs, pitocin and epidural. I think the baby was too damn drugged as well to be coming out as nature designs them to come out. Dh stayed with the nurse as soon as the baby came out. the first pics of the baby taken by dh were with wires  and a mohawk. That's how the nurse had combed my little baby's hair. No point dh trying to stay with the baby. At some point after being born dd went blue. Apparently had forgotten how to breathe or coudn't breathe. She was sent to the NiCU for a week. I can't not tell you this. The overload of drugs and the v. difficult labor had exhausted me. As much as I'd like to have stayed with the baby I couldn't. Dh was exhausted too from no sleep from days. And at one point the nurse in the NICU is feeding our baby with a fast flow bottle and we are like we have instructed the head of the NICU to not feed with her with fast flow as it will interrupt the nursing.  She is not looking happy and I presume my baby was fed fast flow all night. My nursing didn't last more than 3 months. And last but not least my original midwife calls me a few times to congratulate and asks to come see the baby and that she wants to bring a gift. She comes over and starts weight ing the baby and checking her generally. hello!  My baby was in the NICU. She's been weighed a hundred times by now. We get charged $400 by her for that visit. Absolutely evil!


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#17 of 55 Old 10-01-2013, 10:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Bayosgirl187, I just had to respond to this. I had my twin girls almost 11 weeks ago, and they had to be born via a section due to breech and transverse presentations. I've wanted to do a homebirth since I was 17 years old--I'd read Sheila Kitzinger's Complete Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth, and I was convinced that when I grew up and got married, I would homebirth. I did everything during my pregnancy to ensure a natural birth--exercise, supplements, great diet, monitoring my sugar/blood pressure/weight between prenatals, hiring a midwife--and had to be cut anyway. I was DEVASTATED. My midwife dumped me, refused to be my doula/advocate or provide any more prenatals or do any prenatal checkups. She never even called me to see how the section went or what kind of shape my girls or I were in. I could not try ECV or moxibustion treatments to turn the babies, due to there being twins and having anterior/posterior placentas. So....they took my girls at 38 weeks and a day. I never got to go into labor. I felt horrible.

You did the very best you could, and you got thrown a curveball. It's totally natural to feel this way, and my heart goes out to you. I felt as if I were a failure to my kids somehow. I grieved over the birth I didn't get to have. I still feel a twinge of regret sometimes when I look at my scar. I carried twins, developed no stretch marks, but I have this (to me) huge scar on my abdomen. Lovely. But it had to be this way. Going into labor with my kids could have set us up for a double cord prolapse, among other complications. So...I did what had to be done, but still felt very bad about it.

There is nothing wrong with you. You didn't get the birth you wanted, and that is disappointing and frustrating. You have every right to feel this way. I am hopeful that you and I will both get a vbac the next time around. I'd actually love to try an hbac, even if I get pregnant with another set of twins (as long as the first is vertex. 80% of the time, this happens. Leave it to mine to be in the 20% that get in goofy positions). I have many factors for conceiving another set of fraternal twins....yes, nature did this, not IVF. I naturally conceived my girls after a heartbreaking miscarriage, years of infertility, fighting autoimmune disorders, and shortly after turning 36. I was never supposed to have any other kids....and now, I have two. You never know what can happen, or why things happen. So next time around, things may go completely differently for you. Be gentle and forgiving with yourself, know that you did the best you could with the situation you were dealt, and best of luck in dealing with the aftermath of your section. It's not easy. Feel free to PM me if you want or need to talk about things. And don't give up on getting a vbac or hbac next time around....again, you never know what might happen the next time around. You've been through a very tough situation, and the strength that you're going to gain from getting through it will only help you to face anything. Best of luck and congratulations on your son. He's got one tough mom who did her very best for him.

Hi Tiz, thank you for the support and sorry it took me so long to reply. I am so glad you and your girls are well after everything you went through (and that midwife! Unconscionable.) It sounds like you've come to terms about your section--that it had to happen that way. I'm not there yet, because my baby was a singleton, there were no glaring positional issues (usually occiput transverse rotates just fine during labor) and he was even a little baby...so I still feel like I "should have" been able to birth him naturally. I don't know if I'll ever get to a place where I can feel comfortable having another child--because I really, really, really don't want another section. :-(

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#18 of 55 Old 10-01-2013, 10:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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bless you and your little family. i was so touched by your story. it is so hard when things fall apart in the most precious tender moments of our lives. i can only assure you that there is not a thing wrong with you, you grew your baby in a perfect, strong and beautiful body. reading your words i can just feel all the loving energy and planning you poured into the birth of your baby. relish that beautiful nursing relationship you have with your baby. you might find that it helps you heal a bit. and in the meantime be loving and gentle to your self. birth is hard and beautiful for a reason and never something we fully control despite our best most genuine efforts. i have had the experience of being less that thrilled with my birthing time and struggled with really bitter emotions for a long while. but i did come to a place of peace and so will you with time. additionally, after my first super hard, super long, super scream-y labor which made me doubt my birthing abilities i had a swift, hilarious and orgasmic second birth. the second is usually a smoother ride. i am holding you in the light mama.

 

What a sweet message. Bless you. :-)

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#19 of 55 Old 10-01-2013, 10:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know if this helps, but, in regard to Hypnobabies, I definitely felt like once my birth started deviating from the "perfect" birth I had envisioned, I just had very few resources to draw on.  Thankfully, my husband is the world's best birth partner, so that helped a lot.

 

It took me quite a while to reconcile my sad feelings after giving birth to my son.  Nothing went as planned.  I rely on two things to make me feel better about the whole thing: 1. a friend who had a similar situation to mine told me, "You know, a hundred years ago both of us would probably be dead."  Its awful, but true.  Preeclampsia  and eclampsia kill.  I was lucky.

And 2. I recreated my birth in my head.  If you have already created your perfect birth with Hypno, you should be able to do this.  I used the Deepening track and the other one that helps you create your perfect birth.  It took me some time, but I pretty much edited out all of the yucky parts of the birth and recreated history in my own personal version.  I don't care if it isn't accurate, I'm a lot happier with it.  I hope you can do it too :)

Interesting.. Well, I'd like to have SOME productive use for my Hypnobabies stuff since it didn't help my labor. (like you, I lost all motivation to apply it once the birth went downhill.) I don't know how I could make a C-section into a positive thing but I will try.

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#20 of 55 Old 10-01-2013, 10:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It's such a long story. I did not go into detail.

 

The similarities are that my water broke but there was no labor pain or contractions. I had gone to the hospital a day later not knowing for sure the awater had broken. WAter birth at home was not possible any more since the baby was early. Midwife had never metioned before that that home birth wil not be possible in case of an early birth. Our fault to not have researched or asked her int eh first place. We don't know how much the cost will go up if we ask her to come to hospital AND pay hospital bill. So, we decide to ask her to not come (we were already not happy that we didn't know about this unexpected situation.) I chose hospital recommeded by midwife that had a hospital midwife. Hospital midwife and assistant have a few laughs at my midwife's expense who is not present of coruse. I wasn't expecting this kid of attitude from a midwife. I had this organic image of all midwives. I was so wrong. I think i was allowed to rest the first night, I don't remember what i did the next day but I remember the pitocin being injected the next night. All night i am in pain and I'm wired and all night I need to go pee. It was my worset nighmare. The nurse who was monitoring the baby's heartbeart was outside and was v. nice to come help me every 10 minutes. hell they shud have given me an adult diaper. The next afternoon and nothing has progressed. I ask to take a shower and am on pitocin again. Then they get me to push but nothing is happenign. I had also taken an epidural at some point. It seems like a blur now. But much later I realized the epidural is what prevented me from pushing. The pain wasn't even that much but I think I had had too much of the pitocin in the sense I had been on  it so long i didn't wan to feel the labor pain any more, even though it was bearable. As time passed I agree to a 2nd epidural. I don't know why. i felt so drugged I can't remember why i agreed or whether i asked for it. We were trying to push again and the baby's head was visible but I had no strength to push any more. At that time inspite of 2 epidurals I am in insane pain. I beg for a C-section. Turns out the pain was from teh baby suddenly turning.- transverse occiput. I blame all that on the huge amts. of drugs, pitocin and epidural. I think the baby was too damn drugged as well to be coming out as nature designs them to come out. Dh stayed with the nurse as soon as the baby came out. the first pics of the baby taken by dh were with wires  and a mohawk. That's how the nurse had combed my little baby's hair. No point dh trying to stay with the baby. At some point after being born dd went blue. Apparently had forgotten how to breathe or coudn't breathe. She was sent to the NiCU for a week. I can't not tell you this. The overload of drugs and the v. difficult labor had exhausted me. As much as I'd like to have stayed with the baby I couldn't. Dh was exhausted too from no sleep from days. And at one point the nurse in the NICU is feeding our baby with a fast flow bottle and we are like we have instructed the head of the NICU to not feed with her with fast flow as it will interrupt the nursing.  She is not looking happy and I presume my baby was fed fast flow all night. My nursing didn't last more than 3 months. And last but not least my original midwife calls me a few times to congratulate and asks to come see the baby and that she wants to bring a gift. She comes over and starts weight ing the baby and checking her generally. hello!  My baby was in the NICU. She's been weighed a hundred times by now. We get charged $400 by her for that visit. Absolutely evil!

Wow-that IS very similar to mine! You said in your other post that you once thought you would rather wait and let her be born naturally but since have other ideas about that. Do you now feel like what happened was for the best?

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#21 of 55 Old 10-09-2013, 07:44 AM
 
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Wow-that IS very similar to mine! You said in your other post that you once thought you would rather wait and let her be born naturally but since have other ideas about that. Do you now feel like what happened was for the best?

Sorry for the late reply. It is pretty similar. I think just being in labor for so long is not normal and therefore exhausting. I think c-sections become inevitable in long labor. Well, coming to your specific question, I had read on the net, soon after I gave birth, of a woman that went about her daily life after her water broke and did not get contractions. I think she was in the U.K. I was at that time upset that I didn't know or think about that. Well retrospectively, I don't know. I didn't have enough knowledge of whether that scenario could indeed infect the baby or even kill the baby if the baby wasn't being monitored constantly as they did in the hospital. If I had not begged for a C-section could just the pain have killed me? Or pushing could have as I didn't have any strength left by then. I mean without moden medicine mothers or babies died in child birth and it was v. normal. I feel certain that many lives are saved by C-section and yet I know that too many C-sections happen too soon or without a need for them. Mine wasn't one of those - that I am sure of since no one even offered me the option. I just wish I had a support system that I didn't have and still don't. I had my inlaws but if the support comes with bagage then i think it's more of a headache than support so add that to the mix and it only got worse. :))


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#22 of 55 Old 10-09-2013, 07:27 PM
 
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Bayosgirl87, I know exactly what you are going through as well. I gave birth to my son by c-section 12 weeks ago. I had a 72hr labour, with the last 14hrs being active labour followed by oxy augmentation (same as pitocin but in Canada) I had always wanted a natural birth and read birthing from within, 3 of Ina may gaskins natural birthing books, brought the birth story movie to where I live. I was going to do with no meds (which I did until the spinal for the section). It's such a long story but suffice to say that after 72hrs of labour, getting convinced to break my water by midwife, getting convinced to get oxytocin.. I knew from reading so much that all of this would lead to a c section. I was so scared to have one. I thought I was the last person in earth to have one. Anyways, I only dilated to 3cm because my son was right transverse occiput, also. He had dropped to -1 but never turned. Ugh. Afterwards, my incision opened and got infected with staph. It finally closed and started to heal after 7 weeks post. Also, my milk is still not fully in. We are still supplementing with formula and the SNS. I hope if I persevere that I can also breast feed exclusively. How did you do it? I know the reason I don't have enough milk is because I was extremely traumatized by the birth and am just starting to process it. The worst part is that on top of having a traumatizing birth my milk didn't come in fully, and the incision got infected so it felt like a triple whammy. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I know how you feel. I'm having a really hard time not being angry at myself, I keep thinking I'm a horrible mother for not having a better birth. I have been angry at my body for not doing what it was supposed to do. The list goes on and on and on. Fortunately, I did bond with my son. He is the most beautiful boy on the world and at some point I will come to terms with his birth. Hopefully my milk will increase. Hopefully I will be able to forgive myself for not giving myself the experience that I though I would have. There are lots of us out there that know how you feel.
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#23 of 55 Old 10-11-2013, 07:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Bayosgirl87, I know exactly what you are going through as well. I gave birth to my son by c-section 12 weeks ago. I had a 72hr labour, with the last 14hrs being active labour followed by oxy augmentation (same as pitocin but in Canada) I had always wanted a natural birth and read birthing from within, 3 of Ina may gaskins natural birthing books, brought the birth story movie to where I live. I was going to do with no meds (which I did until the spinal for the section). It's such a long story but suffice to say that after 72hrs of labour, getting convinced to break my water by midwife, getting convinced to get oxytocin.. I knew from reading so much that all of this would lead to a c section. I was so scared to have one. I thought I was the last person in earth to have one. Anyways, I only dilated to 3cm because my son was right transverse occiput, also. He had dropped to -1 but never turned. Ugh. Afterwards, my incision opened and got infected with staph. It finally closed and started to heal after 7 weeks post. Also, my milk is still not fully in. We are still supplementing with formula and the SNS. I hope if I persevere that I can also breast feed exclusively. How did you do it? I know the reason I don't have enough milk is because I was extremely traumatized by the birth and am just starting to process it. The worst part is that on top of having a traumatizing birth my milk didn't come in fully, and the incision got infected so it felt like a triple whammy. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I know how you feel. I'm having a really hard time not being angry at myself, I keep thinking I'm a horrible mother for not having a better birth. I have been angry at my body for not doing what it was supposed to do. The list goes on and on and on. Fortunately, I did bond with my son. He is the most beautiful boy on the world and at some point I will come to terms with his birth. Hopefully my milk will increase. Hopefully I will be able to forgive myself for not giving myself the experience that I though I would have. There are lots of us out there that know how you feel.


I am so sorry for what you went through, even an infection! Did they give you antibiotics in the hospital? I read that breastfeeding is always harder after a C-section, but especially so for us moms who feel traumatized by it. I hope it makes you feel a bit better to know that you are not alone; I know it does me.

 

As far as getting to exclusive breastfeeding, it was not easy, and still isn't. My situation is complicated even more because my son is apparently allergic to dairy. He was crying after feedings, which I interpreted as hunger when it was really gas pain. So I gave him more formula. (He also had rashes all over his body, which his pediatrician told me was "normal" and nothing to worry about. They are now GONE with exclusive bfing.) I'm a first time mom and I didn't know any better. :-( I still live with guilt from that. My son has a HUGE appetite, and I believe it's a result of being overfed as a newborn. It was hard for me to catch up, even with nursing literally 24/7, so I started taking a drug called Domperidone to increase my supply. Have you heard of it? I think it's much more widely available in Canada than in the U.S. where I'm from. It's actually banned by the FDA here (although the Supreme Court ruled a Dr cannot be punished for prescribing it) but we can order it online from overseas. From what I have read, it is a  safe medicine in oral form; the FDA banned it because there were some heart attacks with very large doses in intravenous therapy (as usual, our FDA is screwed up-but that's another post!) Anyway, it seemed like it was helping at first but now I feel like I am having to nurse 24/7 again. I don't know if it's not working anymore or my son wanting more and more or what. I do know he gains 2 ounces a day, which is what he was putting on when I overfed him. Without the dom he gains a normal and healthy 1 ounce a day. I have asked around to lactation consultants how I can resolve this problem and they don't know how to answer me. How do you make a baby adjust to half the calories he's used to? It's very difficult. I guess I would just caution you to be careful about not overfeeding the formula, even if you are using a SNS. I'm sure you know better than I did. But yeah, just keep putting your LO to your breast and your supply should catch up. Is his latch OK? Mine was extremely painful, which reinforced my feeling that it was me doing something wrong...turns out he was clamping his jaw from discomfort from the formula. :-( It's soo much better now that we're 3 weeks + out. Don't give up! I wish you the best of luck, and please don't hesitate to PM me if you ever want to chat. :)

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#24 of 55 Old 11-04-2013, 05:49 PM
 
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I guess I'm the oddball. I enjoyed all three of my births. All three were c-sections. I probably could have had the last two children via vaginal birth had I been educated enough before my second birth but I didn't. I still love them the same and  have wonderful memories of their births, even though they were c-sections! I brought a human being in to the world! Nothing can bring me down when I know I've done that, regardless of how they got here.


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#25 of 55 Old 11-05-2013, 09:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess I'm the oddball. I enjoyed all three of my births. All three were c-sections. I probably could have had the last two children via vaginal birth had I been educated enough before my second birth but I didn't. I still love them the same and  have wonderful memories of their births, even though they were c-sections! I brought a human being in to the world! Nothing can bring me down when I know I've done that, regardless of how they got here.


I hope I can get to that point one day...just feeling grateful and proud that I birthed a human being, no matter how. For now I'm just trying to convince myself "it's not my fault".

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#26 of 55 Old 11-06-2013, 12:06 AM
 
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bayosgirl87, does your milk supply still fluctuate then? Yes, I am on domperidone (in Canada) but I feel like my supply is going down. I wonder if I keep him at the breast (he is 16 weeks) 24/7 if my supply would increase. I don't find there to be any danger in over feeding because he is only gained 2.5 oz per week for the last few week but thanks for pointing it out, as its something to keep
In mind.
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#27 of 55 Old 11-17-2013, 05:17 PM
 
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My heart really goes out to you and all of the mommies on this post who have expressed feelings of failure, doubt, and grief about your birth experience(s).  I think it's very appropriate and healing to grieve for the birth you didn't have, but do your very best to avoid blaming yourself, questioning the events, giving in to the "what if I had only done ___" line of thinking, and wondering if there is something wrong with your body.  You were all in very difficult circumstances, arguably outside of the "normal" childbirth parameters, and in my opinion, were brave and unselfish to sacrifice your wishes for the well-being of your baby.

 

One of the saddest cases I can recall from my training was a family in a very similar situation to yours.  A mother, planning a homebirth (first child) with a midwife, experienced natural rupture of membranes at full term.  Like you, she didn't develop any signs of labor.  About 12 hours after ROM, her midwife apparently came over, checked her, and reassured her that the baby's heart sounded fine and, though she was minimally dilated, things would pick up.  They didn't.  The next day, her midwife returned, and with ROM at about 36 hours, was surprised that she still hadn't progressed.  But, as this mother was adamantly opposed to any medical intervention, they agreed to watch and wait for another 12 hours.  Still, no real contractions.  At 48 hours after ROM, the midwife was concerned that the fetal heart rate (HR) was somewhat slower, and insisted the mother come to the hospital.

 

Upon evaluation, the OBs were concerned about the HR as well, and felt she needed an emergent C-section.  However, she declined to sign the consent, and requested they try induction with Pitocin.  She was placed on a drip, and though the infant's HR continued to show a worrisome pattern, they continued to follow the mother's preferences in laboring.  Finally, ~72 hours after ROM, she spiked a fever and, meanwhile, the baby's HR was crashing.  I was on in the NICU and we were called to an emergent section.

 

Baby boy came out white, limp, and completely unresponsive with no HR.  We did our most intense neonatal resuscitation and, after significant effort, (chest compressions, medication, intubation), were able to get a weak HR to return.  He came to our Level I NICU, the best in the state, where he "lived" for several days on our highest level of support.  However, it became clear he was clinically brain dead, and his parents elected to withdraw support.  There is no doubt in my mind that was the right thing to do, but watching them grieve was simply heartbreaking.  All of his blood cultures grew a common bacteria, and it was clear that he had died of overwhelming sepsis (infection) while in utero.

 

His mother was understandably devastated, but watching her blame herself for his death was just tragic.  She asked every single physician if we thought he might have lived if she had opted for a section earlier.  Answering that was incredibly difficult.  The truth is, likely YES, but how can you say that to a mother who has just lost her precious baby and is blaming herself?  (It was too late to save him, and in my mind, furthering her sense of guilt would not have accomplished much at that point in time.  We just hugged her and let her cry as much as she needed.)

 

I am a definite proponent of natural childbirth, and have fortunately been able to deliver my first child with minimal intervention.  But I also have a healthy respect for nature, who is not always a sweet and loving goddess.  Nature causes typhoons and insect infestations, cholera and sinkholes.  Pregnancy and childbirth are both natural, but not without risk.  When things fall outside of the norm, there is NOTHING wrong with accepting medical treatment, which is why it should be available.  The fact that you didn't progress after spontaneous ROM is not what typically happens; something was just not working right.  That doesn't mean the same thing will occur next time around, and it doesn't mean there is anything inherently wrong with your body.

 

Your baby is blessed to have a mama that loves so deeply.  Congratulations on your success with breastfeeding!  There is no question your baby will benefit from your dedication; your efforts should be applauded.  Keep your chin up--the first year can be rough at times, no matter how your baby entered the world!

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#28 of 55 Old 11-17-2013, 07:57 PM
 
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I am sorry you had such a hard experience. I wanted to share that I had a c section and I feel  at peace with it, for what it is worth.

I was also  sure I would have a natural easy labor- I was not scared of birth, and somehow I wasn't even really letting myself be aware of any dangers around birth. I thought if I thought positively about it it would be just fine.

I ended up needing a c section- and maybe this is part of why I feel peace about it, because in my case I really felt it was necessary.

It did not interfere with breastfeeding for me, so I don't think it has to for everyone.

I am sorry you also had struggles with breastfeeding and am glad you worked through it to bf your baby now! I don't know about that stuff you mentioned but if it is banned by the fda you might look into more natural plant milk supply help. On the bf forum here you may get some answers.

 

I just think it is really important to forgive yourself and love yourself and don't blame yourself.

I also think in this day and age doctors are more trained to assist childbirth thgough c sections than before c sections were so practiced, doctors had to be trained more to guide women through non surgical births.

But many non surgical births also result in pain for the mom, damage to her body, tears, etc.

Ultimately in my own experience, I ahd been thinking the birth was so important in the outcome of my baby's well being but even though I had a c section I went right into natural attachment parenting, breasfeeding, etc. I don't think my baby was traumatized from the birth  what so ever.

For me, my body got weaker from the surgery and I still have not done the work o get back in shape. But I know many women who do the work (work out) and their bodies after c section are plenty strong. I had some earlier life experiences tha kind of broke me down and I had to rebuild so I think I was able to apply some of that to my c section.

I wish you peace in your journey. don't blame yourself. Be kind to yourself, And you DID give birth! Don't trivialize your powerful journey into motherhood. Sometimes becoming parents just breaks our lives right open! .

I mean, yeah, I can feel how my body is different form my c section and it isn't ideal. I can't quite asses how different since I am more out of shape in general than before I had my baby. So if I think about and look at my birth I guess I could see the frightening parts, But overall I think I have accepted it. I don't blame myself or feel that I am less than someone who gave birth vaginally.

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#29 of 55 Old 11-17-2013, 08:57 PM
 
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The most important lesson of motherhood that often plans and preparation mean nothings. Mothers used to die in labor far more often in good old time when homebirth was the norm. So were babies.   They still do in Africa and India.  Water breaks, no one does anything for days, infection sets in. The end.

 

Some mothers  and babies, physically speaking are not made to survive because nature and Evolution doe snot care about individual but only species.

 

 

 Thinking that everything would go the way you want because you thought so is magical thinking.  I am sorry you have experience you did not want but pain is like love, it comes uncalled.

 

Your description of your child looking into your soul so amazing and touching. To him it does not matter if he came form your vagina or c-section incision, if you have pitocin or not, if he was clean or covered in vermix, to him your are the World, to him you are the Mother and no one else. True love perseveres and there is no  love truer than the love between mother and her child. You saw all of this in your eye because you are bonded to him.  Do not fall prey to the textbook of descriptions  of bonding experiences. Honestly, all that "skin to skin, breast crawlsetc" is pretty meaningless if we consider how many adoptive parents fall in love with their children every day. Love and bonding is not in your skin but in your soul and your soul has it.

 

Love what is, rather than what you wished for and you will feel better.

 

 

Congratulations on motherhood!

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#30 of 55 Old 11-17-2013, 10:21 PM
 
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 Thinking that everything would go the way you want because you thought so is magical thinking.  I am sorry you have experience you did not want but pain is like love, it comes uncalled.

 

Your description of your child looking into your soul so amazing and touching. To him it does not matter if he came form your vagina or c-section incision, if you have pitocin or not, if he was clean or covered in vermix, to him your are the World, to him you are the Mother and no one else. True love perseveres and there is no  love truer than the love between mother and her child. You saw all of this in your eye because you are bonded to him.  Do not fall prey to the textbook of descriptions  of bonding experiences. Honestly, all that "skin to skin, breast crawlsetc" is pretty meaningless if we consider how many adoptive parents fall in love with their children every day. Love and bonding is not in your skin but in your soul and your soul has it.

 

Love what is, rather than what you wished for and you will feel better.

Congratulations on motherhood!

 

Beautifully said!!!!  


Me & DH, DS 12/07superhero.gif, DD 10/12 luxlove.gif  and puppy love dog2.gif.
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