How do we do this?! I really need some encouragement - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 13 Old 10-09-2013, 06:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
P.J.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,522
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

My son turned 3 in May, so he's now almost 3Y 5 months. Just before his third birthday I decided he was ready for potty training (based on all the typical signs) and used the Oh Crap! Potty Training method. For those not familiar it's more or less you just take away the dipes and dedicate many days to graduating from naked to pantsless to pants and then at the very end underwear (she claims undies are too much like dipes and hinder progress). It's all supposed to take anywhere from 2-6 weeks. No rewards.

 

He did great the first day but between day 2-4 I got really stressed about it. We went back to diapers after 4 days. I totally blame myself for getting obsessive about it and completely stressing and putting pressure on him. No wonder it didn't work. Also the Oh Crap! method was a very wrong match for me. That woman goes on and on about no stress, but her tone is very stressful and she implies that you should basically be obsessing over it...meanwhile don't stress. Yeah right. Didn't work for me.

 

Since then I have found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand I worry that he'll never just potty train himself (does any child?!) and he'll be starting school in diapers. I wonder if I'm failing him by not guiding him in this next natural step in his independence. I am also very sick of poopy diapers. On the other hand I am terrified to try this again because it was such a colossal failure last time around. I know if I'm not clear and at least mostly relaxed about it, we will fail again so I have just done nothing. Not only that but I am confused about all the methods. At first I wanted not to use rewards, there are enough arguments against it...but after our failure I am open to trying rewards, although still not entirely convinced.

 

I know my son is perfectly capable of doing it. But he has clearly stated he does not want to and he'll do it "later" and "when I'm bigger". I think that he enjoys the care and "service" involved in getting diapers changed, and he doesn't want to give that up. When his Papa changes his diapers he always makes a fun game out of it. We have discussed that he needs to stop this because when I hear all the laughter coming from the room when Papa's changing his dipe, no wonder he loves it still.

 

I don't know what exactly I'm asking by starting this thread. I just felt the need to get this off my chest and ask for any support whatsoever you can give me. Should I just wait and do nothing? At what age do you say ok enough? I really don't want a five year old in diapers. I have already reckoned with I may have a four year old in dipes but that is my limit. And how do we do it? What worked for you, especially with an older child? How can I relax about it but still be firm in guiding him to use the toilet? I repeat he clearly has zero interest; we ask him and talk about it nearly every day. He is developmentally ahead in just about every area except this one. Seeing his friends at preschool go on the toilet hasn't helped at all.

 

Just looking for any support. Thanks if you bothered to read this. :love 


Mama since 2010
Multicultural living in Europe
P.J. is offline  
#2 of 13 Old 10-20-2013, 07:59 AM
 
HappyHappyMommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 5,930
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 32 Post(s)

:Hug OP. It looks like your post might have been missed, so I'm bumping it up for attention. :bump: My DD showed a lot of interest, so at that point, we started working together on it. (I can't remember what age she was.) What have others done?


hh2.gif Head over to the Holiday Helper forum and be a part of this wonderful Mothering tradition! joy.gif

Wondering about Mothering in general? Check out Mothering's User Agreement! smile.gif

HappyHappyMommy is offline  
#3 of 13 Old 10-22-2013, 02:06 PM
 
Grover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 192
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Hi. We are going through potty training at this very moment (3 years, 2 months old). I don't have the answers for you...but I did want to say that sometimes a child goes from zero to hero really quickly. I've read that a lot around the net, and it seems to be happening with our LO.

She was NIL interested. Completely NIL. Then I bought her some underwear...told her how it all worked (undies = going for wees on the toilet etc) - and ta-da. Wee's suddenly seemed exciting, and she has been really good about announcing it to the universe and dragging a parent to the bathroom with her. This all took place within two weeks, just very recently. I too thought she would never learn or be interested.

Poos on the other hand - well, we had to have an extra motivator. Ours is a bit weird...but it works for us. We have a septic tank that has worms in it to compost our waste. She loves worms generally...so the idea of 'feeding the worms' was super cool. Now she will yell out 'Gotta feed the worms my poo! Quick. Quick.' Having said that...she's only pooed a half a dozen times, so we're still at the beginning of it all. She is still wearing nappies for night time, and when she goes out on long journeys.

 

Another thing was that she has just started preschool. I freaked out because I thought 'there's no way she's going to let these strangers take her to the toilet when she's just learned' - but lo and behold, she called for a teacher, and then went (wees) and then even wiped herself, which she hasn't been doing at home (lazy critter!). The teacher gave her stamps on her hand...which she just loved.

 

I'm rambling. I really just wanted to give an example of how it can change seemingly overnight. We're not there completely yet...but really, I thought we'd never start. Don't lose hope!

Grover is offline  
#4 of 13 Old 10-22-2013, 07:25 PM
 
newmamalizzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,554
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 9 Post(s)

I was going to say something similar to Grover.  If you've made it this far, it may behoove you to wait until he turns a corner developmentally.  I know my LO is in the crazy 3.5s right now, and she is most definitely NOT motivated by "big girl" type things.  If anything, she wants to go back to being a baby.  I even got her a library book about going back into mommy's belly because I can tell that's how she's feeling these days.  If your son keeps saying he'll do it "when he's bigger," it is possible that he really will up and decide one day in the next few months that he's "bigger."  I know that may not be much help because my LO is, thankfully, daytime trained.  BUT - if we hadn't done it when we had, I am pretty darned sure she wouldn't be learning it in the phase she's in now. 

newmamalizzy is offline  
#5 of 13 Old 10-22-2013, 11:11 PM
 
Grover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 192
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Another quick thought:

 

Leading up to her using the toilet, I did make rather a big deal out of how much faster / easier the toilet was....how much more time there is for play when 'we're' not lying on the floor getting cleaned up etc. I really hammed it up in this respect: "Toilets are SO great! So much more time to do stuff if you just do a quick wee/poo in the loo!" Etc.

 

I would have used a reward chart I think if I was getting desperate about her. I shouldn't speak too soon, as we may still need something like that.

 

Last thing I wanted to say was there is lots of pressure sometimes...from parents, society at large...from the kid....wherever. It's such hard work the parenting thing, unless it becomes a medical or serious practical problem...maybe focus elsewhere (whilst continuing to drop hints and working on his 'mind', heh heh) for a little while longer and see if he comes to it himself?

 

Reminds me of our recent preschool experience. All these kids, ages from 2 through 4.5...doing amazing things. Even the littlest one's were so competent, and I might say well-behaved...I actually came home and cried the second day. Wailing to my better half...wah...wah...our kid can't even peel her own banana (our fault), or open a lunchbox (never needed to...but still)! Waaah.

I gained a little perspective the next day (she can do plenty of other stuff) - but, umm, I kind of relate to feeling the general pressure on development issues.

 

Hope other's offer opinions.

Grover is offline  
#6 of 13 Old 10-26-2013, 11:39 AM
 
mammal_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Urban Midwestern USA
Posts: 6,772
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

With each of my two girls, I happily changed their diapers until they decided they were ready to start using the toilet. We did have a small potty that we kept next to the big potty in case they wanted to try it out while I was going. And each girl just up and decided one day that she was ready to start using the potty and wearing panties -- and boom, she was trained, pretty much overnight, with accidents being pretty rare.

 

This happened for dd1 shortly after turning 2, and for dd2 at 4 1/2.

 

I think you and your son are so lucky that his daddy has no problem with him still being in diapers. I'm afraid that with dd2, I was the only one who had no problem with it. Thankfully, at this time, I was still a full time SAHM and was the main one handling it, so she was exposed more to my laid-back attitude than to others' "she is too old to still be in diapers" attitude.

 

Now my girls are 13 and 8, and the fact that one toilet-trained so much later than the customary age is absolutely not an issue at all. I know it can feel very stressful in the moment, especially if you're surrounded by friends and family who see toilet-training age as some sort of developmental marker for your success as a mom. But it's seriously not important at all in the big-picture scheme of things.

 

So I'd encourage you to just relax and enjoy the day at hand. This time will pass all too quickly.


Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
mammal_mama is offline  
#7 of 13 Old 10-30-2013, 12:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
P.J.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,522
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
 I know it can feel very stressful in the moment, especially if you're surrounded by friends and family who see toilet-training age as some sort of developmental marker for your success as a mom. But it's seriously not important at all in the big-picture scheme of things.

 

 

 

 

Thank you so much for this! This is definitely a case where "zooming out" can help a lot! I was going on and on about toilet training to a friend the other day who reminded me that one day I'll laugh about this.

 

Thanks everyone who replied. It's good to know I'm not alone.

 

I got a bunch of "potty presents" and a nice little gift box and starting when we get back from an upcoming trip, he knows there'll be a little present for him in the box if he produces something in the toilet....and a matchbox car if he makes a poo! We're going to try this out with no pressure for awhile and see where it leads.

 

Thanks everyone for the encouragement and reassurance! :love 

 

ETA: At first we're going to switch him from diapers to pull-ups and elastic-waisted pants so he can help himself on the toilet. But at some point we're going to have to make the big switch to underwear. Are training pants worth it for that initial time in underwear?


Mama since 2010
Multicultural living in Europe
P.J. is offline  
#8 of 13 Old 10-30-2013, 01:21 PM
 
Grover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 192
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
 

 

ETA: At first we're going to switch him from diapers to pull-ups and elastic-waisted pants so he can help himself on the toilet. But at some point we're going to have to make the big switch to underwear. Are training pants worth it for that initial time in underwear?

 

I'm sure others will have different experiences - but we are right in the middle of training - and our girl is very lazy and unwilling to pull the training nappies up and down. She just associates them with me doing all the work I think. When she has underwear on she does it herself. But also, in our case the pullups are a bit tricky to actually pull down as they fit so snug, and are a lot bigger heightwise. We put the pullups back on for long trips in the car, and sleeps.

Occasionally she asks for them to do a poo in - but we find that if she is in underwear...she will go to the toilet for a poo although it's only been a handful of times as yet (like I say...we're in the middle of it all).

 

Good luck.

Grover is offline  
#9 of 13 Old 10-31-2013, 09:29 AM
 
skycheattraffic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,699
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I started DD1 early and gradually trained so I can't help too much with the big kid stuff but I wanted to share my experience with undies/trainers. Honestly the best system I found that worked for us was elastic waist pants with no undies. Undies were a complication that made pottying harder and she needed me every single time. With some sweats, she could tell me, then run to the little potty 5 feet away and do it all by herself. Having many little potties throughout the house helped too. I have a ton of pants and a whole lot of receiving blankets/flat diapers to sop up pee from my very old carpets. I figure when DD2 is done potty learning, we'll put down hardwood and until then I steam clean the carpets every few months. I keep a fleece blanket in the car for emergencies (if she soaks the carseat, I lay the blanket on top so she won't get soaked sitting in it) and travel with extra pants, extra socks and a good wet bag. I look at accidents as learning opportunities and do my very best not to stress. There are way worse things in life than a wet or dirty pair of pants. I don't know if my post is helpful but it's meant to be a "you can do it" kind of boost. Good luck, mama! He'll get it soon. Don't be afraid of accidents, they will happen with every child. It's a phase - but a frustrating one for sure! As pp said, they all train sometime. :-)
skycheattraffic is offline  
#10 of 13 Old 11-06-2013, 11:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
P.J.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,522
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

Well I introduced his little potty presents and he doesn't care. His grandma also bought him a little potty that is like a car but he doesn't care either. He has made it abundantly clear that he does not want to use the toilet. What the heck am I supposed to do now?! I have a feeling I should just drop it and maybe even accept I'll have a four year old in diapers, if he doesn't come around in the next 6 months (which I realize of course he could). I am not prepared to just switch him into underwear and deal with the fallout, which I cannot imagine being anything other than stressful and messy, if not downright traumatic for him. We're not doing it that way.

I fear I am failing my son by not properly guiding him through this transition, yet I see no way to do so easily and in a relaxed way, without stress. I start to wonder what is going on emotionally that he is so resistant? What am I doing wrong that he can't take this normal developmental step? Should I just give up and let him decide when, even if that means when he's 4 years old?

I hate this :( 


Mama since 2010
Multicultural living in Europe
P.J. is offline  
#11 of 13 Old 11-06-2013, 12:34 PM
 
nidalou's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I just wanted to share what worked for us since we are in the same boat.  My daughter will be three in December.  She is very intelligent and I have complete confidence that she would have started going on the potty earlier if I had known what I was doing.  We tried having her go without undies or pants, giving rewards, etc., but nothing worked as well as just putting her on the potty at regular intervals throughout the day.  I figured out that I was making it too easy for her to go in her diaper by leaving her in one all day and not taking her to the potty at all.  Waiting for her to initiate was getting us nowhere.  I bought pull-ups and started by taking her to the potty every hour.  She didn't have to pee, but she had to sit there for a few minutes.  She was annoyed by the new system at first, but after she peed on the potty the first few times she seemed to realize it was just easier to actually go than just sit there and pee in her pull-up later.  I did give small rewards for the first few days (an M&M or a short TV show), but when she started to forget about them I stopped offering them.  After she started going on the potty regularly I put her in underwear.  It's been a few weeks and she has started yelling when she needs to go to the bathroom.  We usually just wear undies and a shirt around the house since it makes it easier to get on and off the potty.  She is responsible for putting undies in the laundry room if she has an accident and also for getting new undies out of a low drawer so I can help her put them on.  She still wears a diaper at night and a pull-up if we are going to be out of the house for a long period of time.  I hope this helps!  Good luck :)

nidalou is offline  
#12 of 13 Old 11-09-2013, 08:15 PM
 
motherhendoula's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: LawnGuyLand
Posts: 749
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Awww PJ - you guys can come over to my house for a play date with my 3 yr 2 mo DS who also REFUSES to have anything to do with the potty - what-so-ever!   I went thru a phase of bashing myself pretty well for this one...i introduced the potty when he was about 20 months old - he weighed about 45 lbs at that time and was already wearing size 6 disposables.....i felt like i really didnt have much time!  i dutifully sat him on the potty time and time and time again - i tried two different types of little potties - he was too big for them - so i went straight to the 'big boy potty' - with a multitude of different types of potty seats 

we bought new books to read while he sat and sat and sat - and never once did ANYTHING in any potty - of any variety.....i left him naked for 6 hours - no messes, he held it in until i just put a diaper on him  - at which point he peed entirely through the diaper and his clothes.  I was worried he would develop issues with holding in poo -so i stopped everything altogether - by the time i started to bring it up again - at 28 months - he was totally non-compliant.  He refuses to sit on the potty at all - he is tall enough that we will occasionally stand in front of the potty with pants down and wait for 'bing to make pee'  

i turn on the faucet in the sink - i sing about how great it is to have a 'bing' and make pee in the potty - anything to get him distracted and stay there ....inevitably - after about 30 - 60 seconds he declares 'its not working'  and runs off.....

He starts Pre K in 10 short months and they will not allow diapers there.  He is in Pre School 2 days a week - it has had no impact.   At this point he is still in disposables - which are secured around him with masking tape - ask me what the grandparents think about that!

my next step - after X-mas is to switch to all cloth.  I had cloth diapered him in the past - he has always outgrown them so quickly!!  I am also going to just 'reinforce' ordinary underpants - like sew in a strip of Zorb and PUL on the outside of the undies - something he can wear for outings.  

He often goes without diapers - he happily messes his pants and refuses to get cleaned up....he would much rather just continue playing.  I tell him to ask for a diaper when he needs one....very occasionally he will ask for one - i get him to stand in front of the potty at that time - it never works...i dont want to stress him toooo much so i give in a get a diaper pretty quickly for him.   

I kind of feel like i missed a window of opportunity with him - that happened shortly before he turned two - at this point - were just going to keep talking about it with him - and keeping our fingers crossed i guess.....

keep us posted !  i have heard so many 'when hes ready he will just DO it' stories!!   Hope they're right! 


Happy at Home Mama to DD 4/95 DS 4/98 and DS#2 8/10  femalesling.GIF        h20homebirth.gif       sewmachine.gif

http://www.etsy.com/shop/motherhendoula
 

motherhendoula is offline  
#13 of 13 Old 11-23-2013, 11:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
P.J.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,522
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

Just an update that I have dropped it. I was out of ideas, and I felt that I couldn't do anything without stress.

 

Meanwhile, he goes to a Waldorf preschool. The head teacher there has assured me that they've seen several kids 4+ toilet training, and once even a 5 year old. She is very accepting of it and to her it's just a simple fact that some kids train later, and not a big deal. That said, they are very gradually working on it with him. He wears pull-ups at preschool, and they've told him he's too big for the changing table, so they do his diaper changes in the bathroom. He removes the diaper himself and they assist him in wiping himself up. They have asked me to bring in underwear to put on over his dipe, which I have never heard of but I can see the sense in, just to get used to it and make the switch more gradual. When he noticed the underwear out in his room, he got very upset and had a good cry in my arms. It then became clear that his diapers provide a sense of security for him and he is scared of going without that. It was good to comfort him in that, rather than just experience his stubborn resistance. Anyway I will bring in his underwear some day soon and they can non-chalantly introduce it to him. It seems like they are having better luck than I am. I think the real problem is/was me.

 

I have accepted that my son may be four years old when he finally starts using a toilet. And I can live with that. He is just now turning 3 1/2, so you never know what could happen in the next half year. If it weren't for outside pressure and what other people think, and me trying to make sure my child keeps up with the others, this wouldn't even really be a problem.

 

Thanks for your support everyone! I will certainly update if there are any developments!


Mama since 2010
Multicultural living in Europe
P.J. is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off