older potty-trainer FULLY resistant ~help! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 06-02-2014, 12:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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older potty-trainer FULLY resistant ~help!

My son just turned 4. He is 100%, fully, completely and totally resistant to using the toilet. We have tried everything, you name it. He is not interested in rewards or any special books or toys for the potty. He is very attached to his diapers and getting them changed, and would feel very insecure without them. It seems like all we have left is just going cold turkey and forcing him to wear underwear. He would put up a tremendous stink I am sure, involving lots of screaming and drama and all-round horrible behavior. It would involve physically forcing the underwear onto his body, as I have tried before and once it got to that point I gave up because it felt wrong to force physically. My main issue with this is that I don't know if I have it in me to remain calm and centered and kind through however many days or weeks it would take (I am guessing within a week it would be over). I worry the behavioral problems would continue beyond the training. I worry forcing him to wear undies or go naked would emotionally scar him. I feel like I would start second-guessing myself once he really laid in with the drama. I don't see us getting through this without emotional pain on both sides. Does it really have to be this way!? I would be content to wait longer but I doubt he'll change his mind in a few months and I am not prepared to have a five year old in diapers. If we have to draw the line might as well draw it now, right?

Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do and how did it turn out? I feel very desperate. Thanks for your ideas, advice, sympathy.

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#2 of 6 Old 06-04-2014, 02:03 PM
 
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One mom I know got some diapers in a much smaller size and then pointed out very dramatically, "Oh, my! You are such a big boy that your diapers don't fit you any more! I guess it's time to shop for big boy undies!"

And then of course if he insists on using the too small diapers they won't be comfortable for very long.

What about school? He can't go to kindergarten in diapers, but I guess if you're home/unschooling that argument won't work.

Something else to consider is responsibility. By 3, our kids had jobs to do, like cleaning up their toys at night before bed and helping set the table. What if he's responsible for dealing with his diapers on his own, with some help for the poopy ones? Show him the diaper pail, where the wipes are, and remind him to wash his hands when he's done. And set all that up in the bathroom, of course, so he can choose to use the potty or deal with his diaper on his own.
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#3 of 6 Old 06-08-2014, 05:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by swd12422 View Post
One mom I know got some diapers in a much smaller size and then pointed out very dramatically, "Oh, my! You are such a big boy that your diapers don't fit you any more! I guess it's time to shop for big boy undies!"

And then of course if he insists on using the too small diapers they won't be comfortable for very long.

What about school? He can't go to kindergarten in diapers, but I guess if you're home/unschooling that argument won't work.

Something else to consider is responsibility. By 3, our kids had jobs to do, like cleaning up their toys at night before bed and helping set the table. What if he's responsible for dealing with his diapers on his own, with some help for the poopy ones? Show him the diaper pail, where the wipes are, and remind him to wash his hands when he's done. And set all that up in the bathroom, of course, so he can choose to use the potty or deal with his diaper on his own.
Thanks for your reply. He is in a Waldorf preschool, and they are very helpful with toilet training. For about the last almost year, he's been doing his diapers (pull-ups) himself, standing up in the bathroom. The teachers help with poops, of course. But they have already made quite some progress getting him independently managing it and even occasionally can convince him to sit on the toilet although he mostly refuses. They also suggested, and we do this, that he wears underwear over his diaper. Not sure if that helps, but we do it at their suggestion. I am grateful they aren't pushy, but they are too relaxed and I think I need to talk to them again because as far as they're concerned, he can stay in diapers as long as he likes. And that is not our feeling. But any progress he's made has been there. It's a good idea to implement their way at home, as you're suggesting. I'll try that!

As for buying smaller dipes, he is too clever for that because he will still be in diapers at night at first, and he would ask why his night diaper is bigger.

Thanks again for your ideas.

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Last edited by P.J.; 06-09-2014 at 01:59 AM.
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#4 of 6 Old 06-09-2014, 01:59 PM
 
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I hear you on the forcing undies on, that would feel wrong to me. We had a lot of luck (and I know many other who have) with just letting our LO go naked from the waist down and having a potty in most rooms. There are a lot of ideas for how to potty train using this method. FYI when we went out we would use a diaper at first, then we started just letting him wear loos shorts with no undies, eventually he wanted undies with cool stuff on them. hope this helps, good luck.

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#5 of 6 Old 06-09-2014, 05:32 PM
 
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I have been fighting this same battle with my almost 4 year old. I've been consistently talking to him for months about "When you start using the potty we'll be able to sign you up for soccer!" Or "I'm sorry, but you cannot go play at your friends house without mommy until you use the potty" it seems it eventually wore him down because for the last week he has chosen undies over diapers. We've had plenty of accidents but he has less every day. He even agreed to try to #2 on the potty today! This would have caused a war if I had asked him to do it only a month ago.

I think presenting it in a way that they feel they are the ones choosing to use the potty is the best approach, while talking to them about all the reasons they SHOULD choose the potty over diapers. My son would have never made any of this recent progress if it was something he felt I was pushing him to do.


ETA: I also calmly ask him to go clean himself up if he has an accident and when he was still in diapers he was responsible for taking the dirty diaper to the pail, wiping up, bringing me a clean diaper and then I would have him stand and hold the diaper in the front while I fastened it, so I changed up the routine enough that it wasn't anything like his old "comfortable" diaper changes.
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#6 of 6 Old 06-09-2014, 05:43 PM
 
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I agree with the forcing of undies. What about what a PP said about just waiting a long while at home without bottoms (either after a change or after a bath)? If he needs to go and wants a diaper you could gently suggest the toilet. I may say something like, "Ok, I'm going to get your diaper, please try to use the toilet while I'm getting it. I would appreciate if you would try and if you don't feel comfortable after you try I will help you put your diaper on right away."

If he uses the toilet I would not add any fan-fare. He may feel like once he does it he must give up his diaper. You may even consider telling him that using the toilet from time to time does not mean that he has to give up the diaper all together.

Also, what about peeing outside?

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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