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#1 of 4 Old 08-16-2014, 07:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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help....family issues

Okay, I need help deciding how to handle this situation.

I'm due any day....and have been having major symptoms that I'll go into labor at any moment. I live 15 mins away from my mom and we are extremely close. This is the first grandbaby on my side and my parents are (obviously) very excited. My husbands family lives 11 hours away and this is the 2nd grandbaby on their side.

My dilemma: my mom is so excited to be able to take me to hospital when I go into labor, take care of me afterwards, etc. and I WANT her to be the one to do it. I think this is a fairly normal thing to expect from a healthy mother/daughter relationship. BUT my MIL (who is wonderful, I really do love her) has decided she is going to come up and "stay with me" while my husband is at work and take me to dr's appointments, hospital, etc. This just won't work for more than one reason, but mainly because it is automatically making my mom feel like she is being pushed out of the equation and not needed. It would be totally different if MIL was staying in hotel but she is staying with me 24/7 and my mom has several kids still at home so she can't just be with me all the live long day. It's really, really stressing me out....like to the point of tears. I tried to get my husband to call her and tell her in a nice way to just wait till baby was born and he did the best he could but then she calls back today saying she wanted to do the least stressful, most helpful thing.....I tell her wait till Tuesday (my dr's app) and let me see if I've progressed any, etc. She says okay but then 2 hours later my husband gets a call from his dad saying his mom is literally in tears thinking she'll miss the birth. Husband doesn't understand my dilemma and why they can't both just "be involved".....our moms don't get along 100% perfectly and I'm a major peacemaker by personality so I spend all my energy trying to make everyone happy and I don't want to have to worry about that right now. I want MIL here but I want my mom more than her. Is that bad?

PLEASE help me come up with some kind of solution....
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#2 of 4 Old 08-17-2014, 05:07 AM
 
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I think with motherhood, you're going to have to make right decisions that don't necessarily please everyone at the same time. The fact that you are already stressed is a sign you need to set the boundaries. Are there some specific needs that you have that mil could actually help with (rather than thinking she's helping)? You might need some overnight help the first week while you are healing/catching up on zzzs. Will your mom get to stay w you then?

I would call mil directly rather than having hubby call. Be firm and kind, I wanted to call to thank you so much for your offer to help. What I really need help with is xyz. I already made plans with my mom for abc (statement, not open ended discussion) but I still need help with xyz and was wondering if you could help me with that. My mom will be here only for the first two weeks but I could use your help on week 3 and 4.

I haven't been through this myself, but I'm kind of a hard ass when it comes to people overinserting themselves. Ican easily say, thank you for thinking of me, but what I really need help with is xyz. Can you help me with that? Just keep repeating the same thing if they can't seem to hear you. I'm sure you'd rather be stressed on the phone call than at delivery time!

Hang in there! You will get through this!
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#3 of 4 Old 08-17-2014, 12:37 PM
 
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I second angeebaby! That type of stress can be highly detrimental to labor and enjoying the baby. I am always amazed that another woman wouldn't understand the needs of the new mom comes first instead of doing the guilt trip thing. It's hard but will be so worth it in the long run to have her respect your wishes because this will be just the beginning of this type of thing.
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#4 of 4 Old 08-17-2014, 01:28 PM
 
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I agree with the others about making hard choices and setting boundaries.

However I believe the first thing you really need to do? Have a really really really big talk with DH and make sure you guys are on the same page 1000%.

First off he needs to realize that birth and labour? It's about you and no one else. Not even him. He needs to understand that what you WANT and you NEED goes. Nothing else and no one else matters.

Second he needs to realize that when he chose to be with you and have a baby with you that all "allegiances" to his mom/dad are gone. Of course he can still love them. But he needs to be on your side 100%. There's no playing the middle guy, there's no "being caught in the middle" or anything else. He doesn't have to agree with you all the time, but he needs to back you up publicly and discuss issues with you privately. But he also needs to be the one to deal with the inlaws. Not you. I strongly believe that inlaw relationships are the best when the hard topics are dealt with by the respective children and not the spouses.

So in this instance, he needs to talk to his mom and dad himself, after you two agree on what the plan of action is going to be. And he needs to stand by that decision.

"Mom I'm sorry if you are feeling left out, that's not the intention at all. We love you and want you involved, however at this moment the best support for us is if you hold tight and come help x days after the baby is born. I'm sorry if you feel sad that you might miss the birth, however we aren't comfortable having so many people in the room and would like it to just be us and possibly taylor1690 might want her mom but that will be decided in the moment. We are not having more than that. After the birth we'd love to share the joy of our child with you and taylor1690 would love some extra help from you x days after, if you would like to come stay. However if you are wanting to come before and help out around the house here and there and come see the baby shortly after birth, that is fine as long as you stay in a hotel for that time. We will not be able to accommodate your stay at our house until x days after." Blah blah blah.

It probably won't be one paragraph like above, but more a conversation. But have him write down the points you two want to focus on.

-Hotel before and during birth and x days after
-Who's allowed at the hospital/in the L&D room during birth
-When she's allowed to come stay at the house
-Anything else you want addressed.


My MIL currently lives in our town. She doesn't know this yet, but she will not be coming to the hospital after we have the baby. She will be informed and invited to come visit once we're home. We aren't telling anyone when baby is born until we are home, except my friend looking after my kids and possibly my parents because they are travelling from out of town and haven't decided if they are flying (so would have to book flights) or driving (2 day drive).

My parents were originally going to bring up their trailer and camp for a few weeks around the Due Date but for various reasons decided against it. My mom then asked if they could stay at our house (lots of room, even a dedicated guest room) when they come visit a couple days after the birth. And I told her no way. She can stay in a hotel if they aren't bringing the trailer. I love her, but there is NO WAY that I want visitors (even my mom) in my house for the first few weeks after birth. Any other time, they are more than welcome to come visit and stay in our house, but NOT just before, during or just after labour/birth.

We haven't always had a great relationship but with lots of boundary setting and work on the relationship I can set these boundaries and she is respectful enough to listen without being hurt.

My MIL, well my husband will deal with her when the time comes. If she was to ask me outright if she could be there, I would tell her no. "No" is a complete sentence and as such needs no qualifications. Just "No" should work in a respectful relationship. And then I would tell her that we will call her when we are ready for visitors and that will most likely be shortly after we are home from the hospital. If she wants to complain that would when I would let DH handle it. She hasn't brought it up and neither DH or I are looking for a fight, however we've made sure our wording up until this point has been pretty clear around the subject.

I will in fact be letting the hospital know that I don't even want her on hospital grounds, unless or until I decide otherwise, at all during labour/delivery or postpartum stay. And my DH also knows that this is one of his duties to help enforce. We live in a really small town so it would be easy for her to drive by the house, see our car gone, drive by the hospital and spot it without even going into the lot... so simply checking in as a confidential patient and not telling her will not be enough.

So have the talk with your DH, figure out the boundaries you want to set, make sure he will enforce them. Write down the talking points if need be and then move on and enjoy the last little while of being pregnant

Mom to two beautiful girls and  ****5****10****15****20****25****30****35******

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