Husband seeking help!! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 5 Old 06-20-2014, 08:25 AM - Thread Starter
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Husband seeking help!!

Not really sure if this is an all female site but I think I have tried everything, spoke to everyone for advice, so maybe this forum can help me.......

My wife and I have a baby girl due on my birthday, August 11th. For her this is her 2nd child and for me it is my 1st. Everything about her has been a prayer answered and really seems meant to be. We wanted a girl, in which we are having and I had a dream that it would be due on my birthday and it is, which was confirmation to me that everything was meant to be. The reason I'm seeking help is because my wife is severely depressed and as strong as I try to be, it is starting to slowly weaken me. Now I'm not talking weak as me not being loyal because I adore my wife but weak as in seeing her in the state that she's in has me feeling helpless. I just dont know what to do for her. She always reverts back to her first pregnancy was not like this, and she wasnt this big (which I will tell you, she is not really big at all) and that she will never have her stomach back. To me, its a little disheartning because that is my child inside of her and I dont want to have the feeling that she will hate me or our baby because of the pregnancy.

Now I'm not trying to complain about this either but not only am I worried about the depression and possible postpartum but now I have bore all the financials while she is pregnant. She had a job and her depression caused her to call out a lot and she was let go from that job. So now on top of our home and my set of bills, I now have her set as well. Trust me, I am not complaining because I will do what I need to do for my family but I'm also getting the sense that nothing I am doing is being appreciated at all. I work, then come home and work to keep the house clean, everyone fed and try to enjoy my family before I have to do again the next day. I know I will never feel what it means to have another human being growing inside of me but I just want to help my wife, understand what she is going through and also to be appreciated just a little bit for what I am doing. It's really hard and I am trying to maintain for her and my step-son but its getting really hard when I feel so helpless because I cant make her happy or help her out. Any help would be greatly appreciated!!
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#2 of 5 Old 06-20-2014, 09:19 AM
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Welcome.While I may not be a husband, I really sympathize with what you are going through, so I hope I can offer you a little advice and positivity.

First of all let me commend you on being such a wonderful support to your wife and family, even if she doesn't see it right now. From what you are describing, it seems like you are acting like the dream partner, so I hope you can feel good about yourself for that. It may be difficult for her to appreciate what you are doing when she is so lost in her own feelings. Also, speaking from personal experience, when I'm feeling super down or depressed, my wonderful hubby only makes me feel worse about myself. It's as if I know I'm being a less than stellar spouse so seeing him be so perfect (in my eyes) only makes me feel more worthless. Now I want to emphasize that I recognize that this is a result of my low self esteem, and not his fault at all. I can't say if that is a factor for your wife, I'm just trying to offer another view.

It's normal for a woman to get bigger quicker in later pregnancies, so she might really feel like she is much bigger this time around. I would do my best to remind her of how beautiful/sexy she is with her growing body, and that you would love her if she doubled her weight and never lost any of it. She may not listen, but it could help.

I'm not sure if this was your plan, but breastfeeding can be great for helping postpartum depression.

Does she have someone she can talk to about the pregnancy besides you? Perhaps her midwife or doctor? Her feelings sound very normal, she just seems a bit lost in the negative and can't see the positive.

You could be involved in helping her work through it too, perhaps with your care provider as well, some sort of therapy, or some sort of prenatal group. Somewhere safe and understanding of both of your roles in this pregnancy.

Above all, try to remember that you are not the cause of what is going on. These are her issues to work through, and all you can do is be supportive and help her to the best of your ability. Things may just get better once she's holding that little baby in her arms, but I would strongly encourage her to talk to someone about her feelings and work through them so she can enjoy the rest of her pregnancy.

I hope my words have at least comforted you and given you a bit more of a positive view. Feel free to disregard any and all of my advice, only you know your spouse and family.

And congratulations on the baby girl, what a wonderful birthday gift!
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#3 of 5 Old 06-20-2014, 09:44 AM - Thread Starter
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Thank you! Everything you said made a lot of sense. I really try to be sensitive to what she is going through and I often tell her that she is beautiful/sexy and that she will be back to her old self in no time and if not she'd still be the best thing I've ever laid eyes on. I guess I am naive to thing I can fix everything. I really want to enjoy her during pregnancy. We often spoke, before we conceived, about how hard it was for her to go through it alone the first time and how great it would be to have both there the whole time. I really looked forward to that because I wanted to experience that. More days than most, I feel that I have done a disservice to her and that she will never forgive me or love our child fully unless she gets her body back. So I really worry about that, I dont want it to consume me, but I worry. I never let her see that it worries me but I fear that. I fear a lot of things because of all this. I fear that some strange circumstance is going to happen that will affect our child because of all the negativity. But I do thank you for your kind words and your advice. I will use it and hopefully things can turn back to the positive. Thanks again!
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#4 of 5 Old 06-20-2014, 10:38 AM
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I don't have a lot of great advice, just wanted to encourage you to hang in there. The last part of pregnancy is so hard, and you really do have to just get through it. It sounds like you are being as helpful and supportive as you can, which is really all you can do. Understand that what she is feeling is pretty common, and it will improve after the baby is born and gets a bit older. If she is feeling depressed, though, it would be a good idea for her to talk to her care provider about it. She may need some medical support for this. Feeling tired, uncomfortable, and a bit down is totally normal during pregnancy, but if she's really becoming depressed (or if she does after the baby is born), make sure she talks to someone and gets some help. A lot of women need some extra support that way during this time.

You sound like you're a great partner to her. Just remember that she's not entirely herself right now, but she'll get back to her old self over time. Hang in there and be patient, and one day you'll look back on this crazy time as something you both went through in order to get your family.

M/C at 8 weeks -- May 2000. DS #1 -- March 2001. DS #2 -- November 2002. (Ten year break!) DD -- October 2011. M/C at 8 weeks -- May 2013. Expecting #4 late July.
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#5 of 5 Old 06-20-2014, 01:10 PM
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I just read this book a few weeks ago and it has lots of good suggestions on treating depression nutritionally. The author experienced both prenatal and postpartum depression and psychosis and she details her story in the book as well. The second link is to her website and she has several articles there with more info on using things like herbs as well...

Rebuild from Depression: A Nutrient Guide Including Depression in Pregnancy and Postpartum
Amazon Amazon
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