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Still Not Excited...

1K views 20 replies 9 participants last post by  Harmony96 
#1 ·
I am 30.5 weeks along now, and still not excited.

My depression makes it really hard for me to get excited about anything, anyway. And I have the oh-so-shameful "gender disappointment" issue, too. I am exhausted and sad most of the time, so I don't expect myself to perk up and plan a parade, but it would be nice if I could muster some enthusiasm.

Pregnancy is generally very isolating and unpleasant for me. I have finally gotten past the hyperemesis months, but I can't help but feel jilted out of that sense of well-being that so many people talk about. I spend my days taking care of my two little boys and it's beyond exhausting. I can't fathom adding another to the mix.

I have never had a baby shower, but I almost want one this time, in hopes that I might be able to get a little bit excited. The logistics make it impossible (we live hours from family), and I have social anxiety, so it probably wouldn't be that fun, anyway. I haven't even made a big "announcement," either. My parents and my husband's parents know, and my mom told my sister this weekend (with my permission).

With my first son, I was very sick and I felt sad and alone, but I do remember feeling some hope and excitement in buying his little clothes, getting him some stuffed toys, getting diaper service set-up, and so forth. Installing the carseat, packing a hospital bag, thinking of middle names...all that stuff. With my second, there was less prep to do, but I still felt a glimmer of anticipation, especially since he was my rainbow baby. This time around…nothing. We could use some hats and we need a new carseat by now, but I can't bring myself to buy either. I ordered some baby legwarmers, since he will be a winter baby and we don't have many baby pants. And that is the full extent of my baby preparation thus far. Leg warmers.

This was a very intentional pregnancy and I wanted a baby (though I don't always make the best choices, especially when my mental health is a wreck, which it has been for the past few years). I spent my first few midwife appointments sobbing and even discussed termination, though I don't know that I could've brought myself to that, either. I feel like I'm ruining my kids' already compromised lives (because I'm so incompetent) and like this will just make things worse.

My mom is pretty excited. She bought some clothes (though we are drowning in baby boy clothes as it is) and asks about him daily. She knows I'm not super stoked and makes me feel guilty about that. My dad and stepmom, who I'm not all that close to, are coming to help us prep a bit for our homebirth (my stepmom is super organized and a nurse, so she is a good candidate for this, and they are both very supportive of homebirth). My in-laws don't get excited about things in general, but they haven't said anything overtly negative, so I'll take that. My husband is depressed about life/work, so I don't expect much excitement from him, but he has at least been helpful and supportive and definitely seemed more on the "have the baby" side of things when I was back on the fence.

I feel guilty about this. I know lots of babies are born into hesitant and apprehensive families, but it seems like one's mother should at least be excited about him. I believe my heart and soul know and love him, but my brain is standing in the way. I do see a counselor, but my problems are very deeply-seated, and there's no way I can address them adequately by the end of November. I think I'm just looking for ideas for things I can do to get myself a bit more excited about this. I hate to think that I will have spent the entirety of my last-ever pregnancy miserable and dreading the outcome.

I think maybe buying some things for the new baby might help me. A carseat, at least. And the aforementioned hats (though my mom might've gotten some the other day). But maybe also some sort of non-essential items. I don't want to get bogged down with "stuff." Baby-stuff browsing makes me sad because I hate seeing the baby girl clothes.

Maybe I should buy a diaper bag (I've never had one)? Something fun? I do think I will sign up to do the birth beads exchange, since this will be my last baby and I've never participated in anything like that. I might also get a prenatal massage. I am drinking some teas (RRL and nettle) from my midwife, which I do consider to be an affirming act. Most of the time, I almost "ignore" the pregnancy and upcoming baby (which is easier now that I am not so sick).

I don't know…any other ideas? Please don't think I'm a horrible person. I love my kids more than I can express, and I know I will love this baby, but right now I mostly just feel sad and hopeless.
 
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#2 ·
I didn't realize this was a Due date forum-the mobile version sucks-but I didn't want to read and not post...
I'm sorry you're having a hard time and hope it gets better when baby is born, if not sooner. My best friend deals with depression but something about the very end of pregnancy hormones always make it a ton better for her...maybe you'll get lucky that way too.

Maybe buy something for you, like some new outfits for after pg, or new books to read while you sit for those endless newborn nursing sessions? Or a sling or stroller for both of you?
 
#3 ·
Thank you for the suggestions! I did see some pajamas at TJ Maxx the other day that I thought would be good for newborn nursing. I should go back and try them on. I could also use a soft bra for the early days. I hadn't thought about buying something for *myself* - good thinking! I forgot, but I did buy a used stretchy wrap from a friend, and it's PINK (so, obviously for ME), too! We could probably also make use of one of those sit-and-stand stroller deals, so I will look into that, too.


:smile:
 
#4 ·
Hang in there javilu! While I dont myself, I have a few immediate family members that struggle with depression. I know you can't just "pull yourself out of it". And it must feel all the more frustrating and saddening since you're also feeling like this "should" be a happy time in your life. I'm glad to hear that you're already seeing someone. That's step one. Know that you are doing the best thing you can for yourself and your family by trying to actively deal with it, as opposed to just being resigned to sadness. I have no medical background, but certainly all the hormones swirling around inside you at the moment must play a part. Take one day at a time, and try to savor the small things. It will get better. Sending hugs mama
 
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#5 ·
Prenatal yoga, or yoga for stress reduction. If you are lucky you might find a class that's covered by health insurance. It's relaxing, positive, not going to make you feel like you're not excited enough, you-focused, and proven to be good for mental health. Shopping's good too but then if it fails you sometimes feel worse (like, when there's nothing you like but you spent hours at the store), that won't happen with yoga. It's also 1 hr away from the demands of your family, which I realize is hard to make happen but easier if it's for a scheduled event.
 
#7 ·
the prenatal classes near me are all (annoyingly) during the day on weekdays, so i can't make it. i do love yoga, though. i am going to make myself make an appointment for a prenatal massage, since i can schedule that around my husband's schedule, and it seems like a good pregnant-lady thing to do. i'm also taking a homebirth prep class, but it's not until november!
 
#9 ·
another idea i had was to browse things like mother's rings. i'm really not as materialistic as i'm coming across here (i hate shopping - i've been wearing the same three old maternity shirts in rotation all summer), but it's something i can look at online in my few minutes here and there!
 
#10 ·
((hugs)) I hope things get better soon. If they don't, seek someone face to face to talk to.

BUT...

If it makes you feel any better...my friend who was told she was having a boy...just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl ;)

I second yoga... classes or other... if you can find a small amount of quiet time, there are some good prenatal meditations online...youtube or other places.

Look at tiny baby pictures of your other two children....your heart will swell :)

Chin up

http://prenatalmeditations.com/pmcm-em-confd
 
#11 ·
i can usually find a bit of time for myself in the evenings or weekends, so i will search youtube for something. i should have my old hypnobabies CDs somewhere, which i think came with some birth affirmations. i'm not really worried about birth itself, but they can't hurt!
 
#12 ·
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I have to say that I am also having some mental/emotional issues during this pregnancy - which feel partly situational and partly hormonal/chemical. I really wanted another baby, but we weren't planning this pregnancy now and the timing was not good. Then as we were beginning to embrace and get excited about it, we found out there are two babies and it became an even bigger logistical nightmare. And I have been struggling to tackle the logistics because of how crippled by anxiety and sadness I have been. And then I feel bad about not being excited enough.
The things that have been making me feel better: I hate shopping, but I have bought a couple things and that gave me a boost. I also have been doing some prenatal yoga including in-person classes and a DVD that I love (i got it from the spinningbabies website). Also, watching videos of my now 3.5 year old when she was just learning to walk makes me so happy, and so much more excited - as does looking at pictures of babies.
I find that my sadness and anxiety are increased when I am feeling depleted in any way - so if I haven't had enough sleep, or I haven't had enough to eat (or enough nutritious stuff to eat) I can really fall into a hole. Also, if I have had an argument with my husband, or haven't had enough close interaction with people who are important to me, I find myself more than normally drained and alienated. I think my body and mind are just more susceptible to exhaustion and I need to work extra hard to keep everything working smoothly.
I wish you the best in trying to embrace this fleeting time!
 
#13 ·
There is a book that you may like and may shed some light; it is called The Secret. I have battled depression over a horrible time in my life for the past 11 years and finally came out of it last year. I had the worst social anxiety; was actually afraid to leave my home for about a year or so. I really think that this book helped me get myself back. Depression and anxiety really are crippling and I am so sorry that you are going through this in such a time. I agree that you should not force yourself to be happy about baby and focus on you; whatever it takes, whether it is shopping or yoga or reading some good self help books! Focus on you. I am also sorry to hear that hubby is depressed as well, that makes it even harder to be happy. Couples feed off of each others emotions and it is not easy when there are two people dealing with it, I have been there. If you need to talk or vent feel free to message me! Big hugs and well wishes. Check out the book, it may do you a ton of good or it may not be your thing, but it never hurts to try!
 
#14 ·
There is a book that you may like and may shed some light; it is called The Secret. I have battled depression over a horrible time in my life for the past 11 years and finally came out of it last year. I had the worst social anxiety; was actually afraid to leave my home for about a year or so. I really think that this book helped me get myself back. Depression and anxiety really are crippling and I am so sorry that you are going through this in such a time. I agree that you should not force yourself to be happy about baby and focus on you; whatever it takes, whether it is shopping or yoga or reading some good self help books! Focus on you. I am also sorry to hear that hubby is depressed as well, that makes it even harder to be happy. Couples feed off of each others emotions and it is not easy when there are two people dealing with it, I have been there. If you need to talk or vent feel free to message me! Big hugs and well wishes. Check out the book, it may do you a ton of good or it may not be your thing, but it never hurts to try!
OMG, that is so true.
 
#15 ·
thank you! i will definitely check out that book.

"fortunately," i think much of my husband's depression is work-related (he is very shy, and his job is 80% public speaking! plus he puts a lot into it and his audience doesn't seem to care), so we/our home are his refuge. both he and i need help and more support and outlets, but our relationship is strong. things could be a lot worse, i know!
 
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#16 ·
As long as you keep trying and never give up there is always hope! Can your husband find another job that suits him better? My husband goes through very bad periods of depression over his job. He hates it so much that it makes his life miserable. Some weeks are way better than others and he feels fine, but then wham it will get him. After this baby is born he is going to find another job that will not be so miserable. The thing is he makes great money, company car, insurance, benefits; but he isn't happy. Life is too short to not be happy! I would rather have less money and a happy hubby than more money and an unhappy hubby and thankfully he feels that way too.
 
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#17 ·
He has a LOT of time and education put into this position (he is a college instructor), and we're wracking our brains trying to figure out another field for him. Even if he were in the same job, but we lived closer to family/friends or somewhere we could go outside/into nature more often, it would help immensely, so just *moving* is our main aim right now! I *do* have hope that we'll get out of our situation, but the moment-by-moment experience of it makes me feel sad and defeated!
 
#19 ·
That would be great! He is on a list at his current job for some training to teach online. Right now, it would only be for extra classes on top of his current workload, but hopefully, if he gets the training and some experience, he can take advantage of the opportunity to shift some of his work in that direction if we come across it!
 
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