I am 30.5 weeks along now, and still not excited.
My depression makes it really hard for me to get excited about anything, anyway. And I have the oh-so-shameful "gender disappointment" issue, too. I am exhausted and sad most of the time, so I don't expect myself to perk up and plan a parade, but it would be nice if I could muster some enthusiasm.
Pregnancy is generally very isolating and unpleasant for me. I have finally gotten past the hyperemesis months, but I can't help but feel jilted out of that sense of well-being that so many people talk about. I spend my days taking care of my two little boys and it's beyond exhausting. I can't fathom adding another to the mix.
I have never had a baby shower, but I almost want one this time, in hopes that I might be able to get a little bit excited. The logistics make it impossible (we live hours from family), and I have social anxiety, so it probably wouldn't be that fun, anyway. I haven't even made a big "announcement," either. My parents and my husband's parents know, and my mom told my sister this weekend (with my permission).
With my first son, I was very sick and I felt sad and alone, but I do remember feeling some hope and excitement in buying his little clothes, getting him some stuffed toys, getting diaper service set-up, and so forth. Installing the carseat, packing a hospital bag, thinking of middle names...all that stuff. With my second, there was less prep to do, but I still felt a glimmer of anticipation, especially since he was my rainbow baby. This time around…nothing. We could use some hats and we need a new carseat by now, but I can't bring myself to buy either. I ordered some baby legwarmers, since he will be a winter baby and we don't have many baby pants. And that is the full extent of my baby preparation thus far. Leg warmers.
This was a very intentional pregnancy and I wanted a baby (though I don't always make the best choices, especially when my mental health is a wreck, which it has been for the past few years). I spent my first few midwife appointments sobbing and even discussed termination, though I don't know that I could've brought myself to that, either. I feel like I'm ruining my kids' already compromised lives (because I'm so incompetent) and like this will just make things worse.
My mom is pretty excited. She bought some clothes (though we are drowning in baby boy clothes as it is) and asks about him daily. She knows I'm not super stoked and makes me feel guilty about that. My dad and stepmom, who I'm not all that close to, are coming to help us prep a bit for our homebirth (my stepmom is super organized and a nurse, so she is a good candidate for this, and they are both very supportive of homebirth). My in-laws don't get excited about things in general, but they haven't said anything overtly negative, so I'll take that. My husband is depressed about life/work, so I don't expect much excitement from him, but he has at least been helpful and supportive and definitely seemed more on the "have the baby" side of things when I was back on the fence.
I feel guilty about this. I know lots of babies are born into hesitant and apprehensive families, but it seems like one's mother should at least be excited about him. I believe my heart and soul know and love him, but my brain is standing in the way. I do see a counselor, but my problems are very deeply-seated, and there's no way I can address them adequately by the end of November. I think I'm just looking for ideas for things I can do to get myself a bit more excited about this. I hate to think that I will have spent the entirety of my last-ever pregnancy miserable and dreading the outcome.
I think maybe buying some things for the new baby might help me. A carseat, at least. And the aforementioned hats (though my mom might've gotten some the other day). But maybe also some sort of non-essential items. I don't want to get bogged down with "stuff." Baby-stuff browsing makes me sad because I hate seeing the baby girl clothes.
Maybe I should buy a diaper bag (I've never had one)? Something fun? I do think I will sign up to do the birth beads exchange, since this will be my last baby and I've never participated in anything like that. I might also get a prenatal massage. I am drinking some teas (RRL and nettle) from my midwife, which I do consider to be an affirming act. Most of the time, I almost "ignore" the pregnancy and upcoming baby (which is easier now that I am not so sick).
I don't know…any other ideas? Please don't think I'm a horrible person. I love my kids more than I can express, and I know I will love this baby, but right now I mostly just feel sad and hopeless.
My depression makes it really hard for me to get excited about anything, anyway. And I have the oh-so-shameful "gender disappointment" issue, too. I am exhausted and sad most of the time, so I don't expect myself to perk up and plan a parade, but it would be nice if I could muster some enthusiasm.
Pregnancy is generally very isolating and unpleasant for me. I have finally gotten past the hyperemesis months, but I can't help but feel jilted out of that sense of well-being that so many people talk about. I spend my days taking care of my two little boys and it's beyond exhausting. I can't fathom adding another to the mix.
I have never had a baby shower, but I almost want one this time, in hopes that I might be able to get a little bit excited. The logistics make it impossible (we live hours from family), and I have social anxiety, so it probably wouldn't be that fun, anyway. I haven't even made a big "announcement," either. My parents and my husband's parents know, and my mom told my sister this weekend (with my permission).
With my first son, I was very sick and I felt sad and alone, but I do remember feeling some hope and excitement in buying his little clothes, getting him some stuffed toys, getting diaper service set-up, and so forth. Installing the carseat, packing a hospital bag, thinking of middle names...all that stuff. With my second, there was less prep to do, but I still felt a glimmer of anticipation, especially since he was my rainbow baby. This time around…nothing. We could use some hats and we need a new carseat by now, but I can't bring myself to buy either. I ordered some baby legwarmers, since he will be a winter baby and we don't have many baby pants. And that is the full extent of my baby preparation thus far. Leg warmers.
This was a very intentional pregnancy and I wanted a baby (though I don't always make the best choices, especially when my mental health is a wreck, which it has been for the past few years). I spent my first few midwife appointments sobbing and even discussed termination, though I don't know that I could've brought myself to that, either. I feel like I'm ruining my kids' already compromised lives (because I'm so incompetent) and like this will just make things worse.
My mom is pretty excited. She bought some clothes (though we are drowning in baby boy clothes as it is) and asks about him daily. She knows I'm not super stoked and makes me feel guilty about that. My dad and stepmom, who I'm not all that close to, are coming to help us prep a bit for our homebirth (my stepmom is super organized and a nurse, so she is a good candidate for this, and they are both very supportive of homebirth). My in-laws don't get excited about things in general, but they haven't said anything overtly negative, so I'll take that. My husband is depressed about life/work, so I don't expect much excitement from him, but he has at least been helpful and supportive and definitely seemed more on the "have the baby" side of things when I was back on the fence.
I feel guilty about this. I know lots of babies are born into hesitant and apprehensive families, but it seems like one's mother should at least be excited about him. I believe my heart and soul know and love him, but my brain is standing in the way. I do see a counselor, but my problems are very deeply-seated, and there's no way I can address them adequately by the end of November. I think I'm just looking for ideas for things I can do to get myself a bit more excited about this. I hate to think that I will have spent the entirety of my last-ever pregnancy miserable and dreading the outcome.
I think maybe buying some things for the new baby might help me. A carseat, at least. And the aforementioned hats (though my mom might've gotten some the other day). But maybe also some sort of non-essential items. I don't want to get bogged down with "stuff." Baby-stuff browsing makes me sad because I hate seeing the baby girl clothes.
Maybe I should buy a diaper bag (I've never had one)? Something fun? I do think I will sign up to do the birth beads exchange, since this will be my last baby and I've never participated in anything like that. I might also get a prenatal massage. I am drinking some teas (RRL and nettle) from my midwife, which I do consider to be an affirming act. Most of the time, I almost "ignore" the pregnancy and upcoming baby (which is easier now that I am not so sick).
I don't know…any other ideas? Please don't think I'm a horrible person. I love my kids more than I can express, and I know I will love this baby, but right now I mostly just feel sad and hopeless.