A Confession - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 07-04-2014, 08:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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A Confession

I haven't really told anyone this, but I am having a hard time feeling any attachment to this pregnancy and baby. Instead, all I can think about is the horrible third trimester I don't feel excited about a baby.

I'm Catholic and I do accept and embrace the teaching on birth control. I'm all about having a huge family. I'm hoping to have at least 8 It's not the baby itself that I am dreading or having a mental issue with. It's just the pregnancy. I can't get past it. The third trimester is just so friggin' hard on me. My back makes it impossible to function anywhere near normal.

I think part of it is that I got pregnant without knowing I was ovulating. I'm usually so aware of my body, and I thought I would have another month or two before my first post-partum cycle (LO was 13 months when we conceived this time). I was counting on that month or two to wrap my mind around another pregnancy... but surprise!!!

Part of me has also felt like things are off because I never had a real period. I very lightly spotted when I wiped for a couple days, and that was all. I feel like that could mean my hormones are all off, so I have been totally expecting to miscarry (how very positive of me!). Not hoping to miscarry... don't misunderstand me... I don't want to lose this baby. But if I did... I wonder how upset I would be. Perhaps that dream I mentioned in another thread was just reflecting how I feel.

I'm hoping that when I have my ultrasound on Tuesday, and I see that there IS a baby there and it IS okay that I will start to attach emotionally.

Perhaps I should cut myself more slack. I've felt so abnormally rotten with this pregnancy that that might account for some of my lack of enthusiasm.

Okay...end of confession. I hope y'all don't think I'm a heartless beast!

Corrie, "trad" Catholic, wife to DH and Mom to DD (4/07), DS (2/09), DD (2/11), DD (4/13), two angel babies. 
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#2 of 12 Old 07-04-2014, 08:55 AM
 
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cagnew, I couldn't read without replying. ((HUGS))

I don't have much advice as I spent my entire last pregnancy not connecting to the baby, feeling horribly guilty for it and not knowing how to get out of the cycle of fear/unattachment. One thing I do know... For me, birth cured the connection problem. When my baby was born, I was instantly connected and in love, even moreso than with my other children. So, I do think that you should cut yourself some slack. Maybe some extra focus on taking care of yourself while you struggle with feeling rotten. I talk to my baby when I am feeling negative about my symptoms, letting him/her know that I love him/her and that my frustration is not directed at them, but with how I am feeling. It helps with the guilt a little. Other than that, taking one day at a time is really the only other "advice" I can give. Trying to focus on just today and not worry about tomorrow, next week, next month, the third trimester. I know that I struggled with really bad sciatica/sacrum pain with DD1 and DD2, but not with #3 (DS). Every pregnancy can be different. I don't know what your back issues are. But, maybe there is something that can help with that? Dr, chiropractic, physical therapy, etc.

Until then, know that you can confess/vent to us any time. That's what DDCs are for. Lots of us have been through this or are going through it! I bet your confession will help someone feel that they are not alone.



PS. I am hoping for a large family, too. 6-8 is my ideal range, but we are open to accepting what we are given.
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#3 of 12 Old 07-04-2014, 08:55 AM
 
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I don't feel like you're heartless at all, cagnew! In fact, really, I can relate. While I haven't felt especially disconnected from the pregnancy, it did take us by surprise and I've had the same odd feelings of somehow expecting to miscarry, and I've been carrying a lot of shame around because I've absolutely identified the sensation that I would feel fairly at peace with a miscarriage if it were to happen. It's very weird and upsetting to feel that, since a) we totally wanted this baby, the timing was just surprising, so am I being terribly selfish and somehow wishing I could get rid of an "inconvenient" birth? and b) I have historically LOOOOVED being pregnant and felt GREAT after the first trimester, so who do I think I am feeling like it would be fine if it ended when I don't even expect to suffer, like, at all?

Anyhow, yes, cut yourself some slack. You're feeling awful and expect that you'll feel awful again in the third trimester, which of course colors your feelings about the future. The surprise aspect is a tough pill to swallow too, sometimes. And I wonder whether many of us don't simply protect ourselves against a possible loss, you know? There's no shame in fearing to get too close to a child that may break our heart. It's hard.

I wish you a WONDERFUL ultrasound that sets your heart at ease!
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#4 of 12 Old 07-04-2014, 09:11 AM
 
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I will freely admit to having felt that way with my most recent, #5 . I was already so overwhelmed, and could count on one hand how many periods I'd had in 6 years and four babies. Then I found out we were expecting number 5, and it was totally from taking liberties with the nfp rules, but I felt so empty and hopeless about it at first. I was certain that a miscarriage would not make me upset, and kinda hoped I might have one. Thankfully, everything went fine and I ultimately came to be excited about our son, who is now such a joy and is going to be a great big brother when baby 6 arrives.

Obviously, we are also Catholic, and we fully embrace the church teachings on life as well. This last time I successfully used Marquette for three years to avoid pregnancy, and then when we decided we were finally in a good place to stop avoiding, it ironically took over a year too conceive again! No explanation for why it took so long, since we're still going and very healthy. I suppose He knows what we need, and now we're expecting a very much wanted and planned baby this time.

Definitely cut yourself some slack. It's hard, no doubt about that. But there is still so much to look forward to, and this phase in your life will pass quickly. Just take it one day at a time, and focus on the task at hand. As my friend likes to say often, do the next right thing! And pray often.
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Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
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#5 of 12 Old 07-04-2014, 12:10 PM
 
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Oh, Cagnew, you have such a kind heart-- far from beastlike!!. I didn't feel attachment for DD2 during pregnancy at all. In fact, though I loved her, my heart didn't feel like it was going to burst from the joy of loving her until she was about 5 months or so. I loved her, but my emotions were delayed. I didn't have PPD or anything like that. The circumstances of her birth were challenging on multiple fronts. My DH was deployed and I was very stressed with DD1. I tried to connect by doing kick counts and making that time meaningful, but to no avail.

I want to encourage you in this way: you can love your baby through deed, not just by emotion. You can pray for your baby, you can thank God for His perfect timing to make THIS baby (another month or two later, and it would be a different baby, He picked this time intentionally). You can sow the seeds of lovingkindness towards your baby, and then reap in due time (whenever that may be).

A friend told me after her excruciating natural labor (baby was sunny-side up, with his hands at his temples) she kept thinking of the sufferings of Christ and that thought got her through each moment of pain. I personally plan on doing just that when my pelvis starts aching come month 5. I only share, not to be advice-y, but because that is how I'm personally going to try to acknowledge my discomforts/pain.

I hope your ultra-sound stirs up both love and confidence.
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#6 of 12 Old 07-04-2014, 12:43 PM
 
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@DuchessTergie , I go through my labor in that way... thinking of the sufferings of Christ, making it a prayer of Thanksgiving for those sufferings. I will apply that to my pregnancy struggles, too. What a beautiful idea... another way to present my body as a "living sacrifice." Thank you for that!
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#7 of 12 Old 07-04-2014, 01:27 PM
 
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Give yourself a break. There is nothing saying that you need to be overjoyed and 100% in baby mode throughout your pregnancy for you to love and want your baby! I did the same thing with my last baby. The first two I was overjoyed and in full on baby prep mode from early on. With my 3rd I found out I was pregnant and it was just okay. I didn't do a single thing to prepare for her until I was almost in my 3rd trimester. It wasn't from lack of love or wanting my baby I just wasn't in the new mom overjoyed baby mode. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I love her just as much as I do my others and I'm very thankful to have her. You'll be okay mama. Take it easy on yourself. Focus on good nutrition and rest and you'll get to the baby joy when it's time for you to do so even if that is at the birth. Just think about it all the joy you aren't feeling right now is just being saved up to be lavished on sweet pea all at once!
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#8 of 12 Old 07-04-2014, 01:46 PM
 
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It's easy to feel that way when you feel so lousy. There is nothing abnormal. Those bonding hormones kick in during/after birth and especially when breastfeeding. Pregnancy is nothing to get excited about. Babies, yes, pregnancy, not really!
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#9 of 12 Old 07-04-2014, 07:37 PM
 
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Looks like you're getting some good support here. I agree with the others. Don't beat yourself up about this at all. I have a similar issue only it's related to the first trimester. I have been bed ridden for a couple weeks and feel deathly ill with hyperemesis gravidarum and it's hard not to resent this baby. With all three of my pregnancies I have secretly thought about a miscarriage knowing it would bring relief. It's a strange place to be, but, I understand the feelings. One day at a time is all you can do. Many years from now you'll have recovered and you'll be watching this beautiful child live life. It'll be okay. You're definitely not a heartless beast for having these feelings.
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#10 of 12 Old 07-05-2014, 06:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you everyone. I feel the same, but I feel better about it DH said something similar about everything falling into place when it's time.

Dot, I am so sorry you are so sick! That would be really hard. I guess it's good that pregnancy is temporary (even if it feels like an eternity!)

Jodie/Duchess: I have "offered up" my labors in the past. I believe suffering can be a very powerful form of prayer and is redemptive in nature I struggle to offer up drawn-out pain though because I get so impatient. One day of labor is easy...but day after day of pain is a much bigger challenge!

I go to a chiro, and I wish I would have switched before I got pregnant this time. I wonder if mine just isn't very good with pregnancy because his adjustments don't do much for me. It's hard to find someone new when you are pregnant because they all seem to want x-rays.

I was checking out that fit2b site and maybe if I can discipline myself to do those exercises and stretches everyday starting NOW it would help later. I have zero core to speak of (thank you diastasis!) and that's a big part of my problem I think. I also have a transitional vertebrae, which is what my chiropractor says causes some of my pain. That one can't be helped though.

Thank you again! This is a great group of women
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#11 of 12 Old 07-05-2014, 06:33 AM
 
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I understand how you are feeling. I am already a single mom of three and did not intend to get pregnant. For me, a huge part of how I feel about this baby is wrapped up in the dread of telling my friends and family that I am pregnant again without being married. Not to mention the underlying kidney issues which my urologist told me not to have any more babies because of. I really just want to be happy and enjoy this baby, because I did always want a fourth.
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#12 of 12 Old 07-05-2014, 07:09 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cagnew View Post
I go to a chiro, and I wish I would have switched before I got pregnant this time. I wonder if mine just isn't very good with pregnancy because his adjustments don't do much for me. It's hard to find someone new when you are pregnant because they all seem to want x-rays.
I used to feel the same way. The first one I ever went to took an x-ray, and said my neck was too straight. I thought they had asked me to pose a certain way so that they could tell me I had a straight neck, so I quit going. Fast forward to 5 years later and I'm having this nerve issue in all of my limbs, so I knew it must be related to something in my back pinching something. I went to a new chiro with great reviews in a completely different state and made sure I wasn't holding my neck in any way that it could be straight, and it was still straight all these years later! The other guy wasn't actually lying!


I would say that if you have recently had any, ask the old office to transfer your x-rays to the new office, or at least ask if they can provide you with them, since they are your medical records. You may have to pay a small fee, but at least you don't have to be exposed to radiation again.

I really love my new chiro. We are on the same page about everything with diet and lifestyle. I plan to go in later pregnancy.

Three kids and one on the way.

Last edited by Valerie11; 07-05-2014 at 07:11 AM. Reason: adding info
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