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Our biggest fears and how we navigate beyond them

3K views 38 replies 15 participants last post by  forestlover75 
#1 ·
My biggest fear about delivering this baby, and even its growth in utero is that blessed umbilical cord. This vital nutrient delivery system is just a cord, and the movements of our babes are aplenty. My fear is that the cord will wrap itself around the neck, and its life will be over before it even begins.
I have been trying visualize its movement around the cord with ease and grace, and in the event that it does make its way around the neck during the delivery, that my husband gently unwinds it, and all is well.
Still this nagging fear ensues.
 
#2 ·
Hmmm, how to move past them is an interesting question. For me, I find comfort in numbers. You could research how often cord problems result in poor birth outcomes. I think it is fairly infrequent, however the presence of a nuchal cord is fairly common. If you want, here is a midwifery link that has some reassuring info: http://midwifethinking.com/2010/07/29/nuchal-cords/

For what it's worth my first daughter had the cord wrapped 3 times around her neck and although she was a little slow to breath, her Apgars were all excellent.

As for me, I have a couple of labour and birth fears. The main one is hemorrhage. My mom hemorrhaged with me and had to have transfusions, which kind of scares the poop out of me. This is why I always choose to have the pitocin shot after delivery as it significantly reduces the risk. I'm also afraid that labour will be so quick that baby will arrive before the midwives. Working on telling myself that unassisted will probably be okay...
 
#3 ·
Well, that is the million dollar question. Your timing is interesting-- I just had a chat with my doula on this very topic (fear, not the cord).

I had an unplanned, unassisted birth. And, it came out OK! Yea! But, I FOR SURE have some anxieties and fears for this birth, and for the overall health of my child. Will I spend the first 3 months of his life in and out of hospitals? How will THIS labor and delivery go? I don't know....

I'm a Christian, so for me, this boils down to trust. Do I believe that God is good, willing and able to care for me and my unborn? My answer is yes. Though MY trust in Him is wavering at best, He is always trustworthy. I'm not being preachy or shoving my views on people (intentionally). I am only sharing the only way I can slay fear in my life, which continually rears its head.

I'm very interested to hear other responses. Thanks for bringing up such a thought-provoking question, HappyDay.
 
#4 ·
Duchess, trust is typically my mantra through life. And I do trust (or do I?), but that fear still comes in. I trust that what we are given is exactly what we need for our personal and spiritual development... but that doesn't mean that what we are given is what we WANT, and that's where fear finds its way in.

Murrelet, I have to read the article, both because you recommend it, but also it has my lucky numbers in the address - actually, it looks like it was written on my birthday. I listen to the signs I see, and they usually point me to where I need to be/look. I had never even heard of nuchal cord! One more thing to fear? lol
 
#5 ·
This is THE question, isn't it?

With my first pregnancy, I don't think it literally crossed my mind one single time that anything would ever go wrong. I shared the news very early because miscarriage never crossed my mind, nothing about the birth scared me. I did hemorrhage rather badly, and passed out on the way back from the bathroom that first night. Recovery was prolonged because of that.

So this time, I am somewhat afraid of hemorrhaging again. I'm considering asking for prophylactic pit, just in case. After having two losses last year, it's in my mind that things can and do happen, so while I wouldn't say I'm exactly anxious or afraid, I'm jut hyper aware and not as carefree as before. I'm constantly checking my fundal height to make sure it's growing, I mentally keep track of how often I'm feeling movements. With DS I didn't get the anatomy scan, but I will this time.

I am still looking forward to the birth though, which is nice. I feel like I have better midwives this time, DH and I have a deeper connection, and I know myself better so I feel like I'll know what I need.


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#6 ·
I never felt very fearful about the birthing process. Nothing too severe anyway. I feared a breech baby and a c-section. I feared not having the natural, unmediated birth I wanted. But nothing really major until a beautiful pregnant yogi I follow on Instagram lost her baby. She was the picture of health and for some reason no one could explain, her baby's heart stopped during labor. That FREAKED me out. And now that my mom is working in the PICU, she shares these tragic birth stories with me. So I've dealt with that nervous fear a lot throughout my pregnancy. I just learned to surrender to the fear. I allow myself to worry and be nervous and then I tell myself that there isn't anymore I can do. I just need to ensure that I do my part to stay strong and healthy so that I can deliver a strong and healthy baby. I don't think it helps to ignore your fear. Just embrace it and then let it go a little at a time. I also try to think positive, reassuring thoughts when I'm done worrying. I think about all of the safe and healthy deliveries that happen every day and I tell myself that I will have that too in a few months. That really helps me.
 
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#7 ·
So, it's a nuchal cord I'm concerned about, which, judging from that article and the (amazing!) video link isn't really that big of a deal.
Watching that video, I think I would have stressed had it been me. That baby looked BLUE!! And that cord was TIGHT! But without panic, the mom and caregivers handled it without worry. Good to know.
I liked the reminder that babies don't breath through their lungs in utero, so a cord around the neck isn't going to strangle them. They are getting oxygen from that cord! Such an important thing to remember.

Thank you, Murrelet, for that article. It helped to ease my worries, and give me a direction to continue to explore so that I'm well prepared. We are planning an unassisted birth... getting a grip of these fears is oh so important.

Duchess, was your unassisted birth a planned experience? And will you be doing it again?
 
#8 ·
I had a friend who recently had a home birth with a nuchal cord x9!! It was a slower pushing process as the cord stretches itself out but it was all fine.

"My son had a nuchal cord x2, bandolier cordx2 with cord wrapped around both lower extremities"- he was fine until labor started. I ended up with a c-section. I think they will show signs in labor of distress and not being able to handle labor if they can't. Just make sure you do some monitoring and make sure the baby is doing good.

Daughter also had a nuchal cord and the doctor rubbed her head as she was coming out to help her heart rate come back up between contractions.

Both kids had 9 apgars and were totally fine :)

I don't think too much about something tragic happening . Just trust God's plan and know he is there with me in all times.

I'm more worried about who my baby will be and if he will be healthy and not struggle as much as my last one.
 
#9 ·
I actually am not afraid of birth yet. I am afraid of something being seriously wrong with the baby since I haven't had my detailed mid way scan yet. I try to realize that so far this baby has looked and felt perfect to me so I shouldn't borrow worries that aren't mine. I was terrified of my cervix dilating but not really so much anymore. I am trying to trust that my body knows exactly what to do and that this little girl is meant to be here mostly. Maybe I will worry about birth when it gets closer... Lol
 
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#10 ·
When I first found out I was pregnant, my first thought - after the initial shock - was: I have to go through labor again! I got over that somewhat; I guess I am resigned to the idea. But every once in a while when I get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, I remember. And I worry that I will have to go through labor sleep deprived. I don't think anything can prepare you for that amount of pain, not even having been through that amount of pain.
 
#11 ·
Happyday, it was unplanned.

I spent minimal time thinking about labor with my first. It allowed me to be really happy with the outcome-- I avoided a c-section, which was really all I thought about. For my second, I knew I wanted things to be different, so I sought out a doula and childbirth education (I did Bradley Method). I also read Childbirth Without Fear and Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way. Although I feel fear now when I look back at the unplanned birth, I didn't feel an ounce of fear while it was happening. Part of it is because primal/animal instincts take over and beacuse I was unmedicated I was really free to act on that without thought. The other part was I had learned about, and come to respect, the beautiful, intricate, and fantastic design of the woman's body and I could picture explicitly what my uterus was doing. Because I was well-equipped with knowledge and relaxation techniques (plus a few other things that were encouraging to me on a personal level), I truly did have a less-than-ideal childbirth without fear.

Like sarahknavy mentioned, I have anxiety about who this baby is, and what kind of health status he will have. I am practicing talking to him, telling him I'm glad he's coming, and I'm going to love him no matter what. He was wanted, and we're ready for what life throws at him/us. I also tell him, "Welcome to the team." I hope saying these true things out loud will keep my fears contained. :)
 
#12 ·
I did a fabulous Birthing From Within workshop with a yoga instructor in Topanga Canyon with my first. We then did a refresher with my second (since BFW just worked soooo well for us). Weirdly though, it made me more afraid of the pain - like, I knew I could get thru it because of what we'd learned, BUT I realized it was going to hurt a lot more than I'd anticipated before the class. The exercises where you have to hold an ice cube for the length of a contraction were excrutiating - so then when I imagined (rightly) how bad a contraction was going to be, I realized I'd really under estimated it! Anyway, I'm with Valerie11 - that was one of my first thoughts too! With my other 3, they were all 3.5 yrs apart - PLENTY of time to forget how much it hurts! This time it will only be 2 yrs, and I still remember distinctly shouting "this hurts so much more than I remember!" during the last labor (which only lasted like 2 hours). So I"m afraid that I will be expecting that I know what will happen (I like to know) since all my births have been similar, they've just gotten faster, and that I'll be prepared for that, but then have a 30 hr labor and not be able to get thru it cuz I didn't pace myself. I'm also worried it will be faster and end up unassisted, which I'm scared of mostly for the nuchal chord, but also hemorrage, or anything else. I've "midwifed" at the births of my goats and ended up losing 3 babies over the last 2 years. That feeling of being the only one who can resuscitate or save that baby goat (and ultimately not being able to) is a LOT of stress and I don't want that on my husband or mom or any other lay-person at the human birth cuz the midwife didn't make it.
 
#13 ·
I have the basic fears, I guess - something going wrong during birth, needing a c-section, etc. But in general I don't fear birth itself yet. Maybe after I do some serious reading and researching, that will change :) but for now I'm just trusting my body to get me through it. My greater fear is what happens after birth - labor and giving birth is just a blip on the radar of being a mother. I don't spend much time around kids and fear that I will have no idea what to do with my own. I fear not having enough patience or the ability to give up so much of myself and become selfless for my child. Kinda counting on mother's instinct to kick in at some point, along with research on how to parent.

By the way, I stopped by the library tonight as I'll be on flights for 5 hours tomorrow and need something to read. I picked up Childbirth Without Fear... but I don't think there's any way I can pull that out to read on a plane or anywhere in public without covering up the cover!
 
#14 ·
By the way, I stopped by the library tonight as I'll be on flights for 5 hours tomorrow and need something to read. I picked up Childbirth Without Fear... but I don't think there's any way I can pull that out to read on a plane or anywhere in public without covering up the cover!
Ah, you must have the edition with the crowning photo! Mine just has a baby on the cover. Yeah, I'd have to figure out a way to cover that up somehow on a plane!

And I agree - the scary part comes after the birth!

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#16 ·
I was never afraid of cord issues until a friend of mine lost her baby at 34 weeks due to a knot in the cord. So now it does cross my mind when I feel the baby flipping around in there. BUT... that's one of those things I cannot control at all, so I try to just trust God and dismiss the fear when it comes.

I've conquered my fear of a c-section for the most part. Knowing that my OB does VBA2C helps a lot, so I won't feel doomed if this one ends up in a c/s.

I'm dreading labor. Actually, just transition and pushing. However, I know when I hit 40 weeks, that fear will be GONE because I will be willing to endure anything to get the baby and have the pregnancy be over.

Honestly, I more afraid of the third trimester and how I will be physically feeling than anything else. I've actually had two complete breakdowns over this already. Totally unlike me because I tend to be a fairly passive and laid back person when it comes to things our of my control.

I think how we deal with fear has a lot to do with our temperaments and our belief systems. I like to look at worst-case scenarios and break them apart, bit by bit, using facts and numbers and whatnot. That's how I dealt with my fears planning the first VBAC. Any fear that still remains, I have to try to let go and let God.
 
#17 ·
I am glad I didn't answer this right away, because I didn't realize that you are planning an unassisted birth. :)

I think it is super important for pregnant women to confront all their fears, "break them apart," like cagnew said, and analyse them. Look into the statistics of a situation and grapple with various possibilities as they come to mind. As much as I think that is true for all pregnant women, I think it is ESPECIALLY true for an unassisted birther. You have no "professional" to rely on or consult during labor. So, in addition to looking into statistics, it is also important to look into yourself and examine how you would handle the various scenarios that come to your mind. Confronting worry with research and "game plans" is what I do. It was actually really helpful with my last pregnancy. At around 12 weeks or so, I started freaking out about a breech baby. Oh, my gosh. What if I have one of those? What are the statistics of breech birth? Would it change my plans? What would I do? Is there anything special I need to know about *how* to deliver a breech baby? I went through all the fear, researched, answered all those questions for myself, came to terms with my PLAN (ha!). I put the concern aside after I did all that... And then REALLY put it aside when babe was consistently head down from 20 weeks on. Well, turns out all that planning and research came in handy... Cuz baby flipped DURING labor (he was head down the day before), wasn't discovered until I was fully dilated and I delivered a footling breech... at home! :D

Now, sometimes, fears come up that we can't research... or the research doesn't help us move beyond the fear. That is when I ask myself, "Do I have control over this situation?" The answer more often than not is "NO!" That alone doesn't help me. The fear sits there and refuses to budge. (Warning-- I am about to share some very personal information about my faith.***) This is where my faith comes into play. I am a Christian and truly trust that my all-powerful, all-knowing God has my best interests at heart. He has a great track record of faithfulness to His people and I count on that and my personal experience with Him... He can and will rescue me in the way that is best for me. "OK, Jodie, but sometimes bad things still happen...death, suffering, pain..." I know this, of course. And I have experienced loss and have been carried through the grief and pain and death with great gentleness and love, leaning on God because I am not strong enough to get through it alone. There is a great verse in Psalm 56 (verse 8) that gives me great comfort, "You keep track of all of my sorrows./You have collected all my tears in your bottle./You have recorded each one in your book." So, no matter what happens, I know I am seen and loved and God cares about what I am going through. So, when the research doesn't take care of the fear and control is out of my hands, I can let it go knowing that someone bigger has it covered.

ok... Now onto childbirth...

There has been some talk about fear of going through childbirth (totally valid fear some have to process). However, I really wanted to let any first-timers out there reading know that childbirth is my favorite thing in the whole world. It is hard and challenging and totally manageable (for me!) and worth it. I actually come out of every birth more in love with birth. Last time, my baby was born about 3 weeks early (with the previous ones, I had gotten to 40/41 weeks). And I sobbed to my husband the next day that I was so sad that I wouldn't be giving birth in March like I had wanted and wished that I could do it again, wished I could relive it... Just wanted to share. I am sure you will hear more about my unique attitude and feelings about childbirth in the months to come. ;)
 
#18 ·
There has been some talk about fear of going through childbirth (totally valid fear some have to process). However, I really wanted to let any first-timers out there reading know that childbirth is my favorite thing in the whole world. It is hard and challenging and totally manageable (for me!) and worth it. I actually come out of every birth more in love with birth. Last time, my baby was born about 3 weeks early (with the previous ones, I had gotten to 40/41 weeks). And I sobbed to my husband the next day that I was so sad that I wouldn't be giving birth in March like I had wanted and wished that I could do it again, wished I could relive it... Just wanted to share. I am sure you will hear more about my unique attitude and feelings about childbirth in the months to come. ;)
This totally! I can't agree more. After my other labours I got so pumped and really hoped for a chance to do it again. I even considered being a surrogate so I could experience labour again. I guess I'm a birth junkie. And I say all this even though I have very intense back labour (even though babies are positioned properly). Labour is hard, but you can do it!
 
#19 ·
I'm SO excited to give birth! I'm not really fearful and feel really confident about my ability to do it without medication. I'm not sure why I feel so at peace with it but I do. It's just such a beautiful, physically challenging act that our bodies were literally built for and I can't wait to do it.
 
#21 ·
I didn't really have much fear with my first. Even when my water broke at 29 weeks, I didn't freak out (surprisingly!). Labor and birth was very quick with him. I was able to go unmedicated because when I started to feel like I couldn't do it anymore, I remembered the birth stories I'd read that said they felt like that just before it was all over, so I just thought to myself that I'm almost done and I can get through this last little bit.

This pregnancy, I have new fears. I've been through natural childbirth 3 times now, so the birth itself doesn't scare me so much, but the fact that I'm having hypertension that I've never had in previous pregnancies means I'm at higher risk of developing pre-e, so that sends my mind to early baby, emergency c/s, etc. My bp is great on meds right now, but I'm only 18.5 weeks. What if pre-e develops at 21 or 22 weeks? I've been praying to at least get to 28+ weeks, when I know baby would not only survive but also have lower risk of complications from preterm birth (my 29 weeker is a healthy 10 year old now).

I'm trying to just let go of these fears. There is nothing I can do to prevent anything, and it does my body no good to worry. I think I just worry more this pregnancy because this is absolutely my last pregnancy. We weren't even supposed to have this pregnancy, and now that it's here, I don't want to lose this 4th child that I always wanted (we'd negotiated to 3 children when I wanted 4 and DH wanted 2). Getting back into baby mode is a little scary too, but I'm excited about this little bundle of joy, and so are my kids. That's probably another thing that scares me... something happening to baby and having to tell my younger kids who kiss the baby multiple times per day. They love this baby already. So I'm praying that I don't develop pre-e at all (it appears to be a 50/50 chance for me), but if I do develop it, I pray that baby will be far enough along to be ok long term.

The pre-e risk also brings up fear of c/s. I watched my friend recover from am emergency c/s for complete placenta previa, and it sucked. Recovery was much harder than with vaginal birth, and she still has that spot on her belly with no feeling, which is annoying to her... 5 years later. The thought of surgery while I'm awake terrifies me, and the thought of a needle in my back terrifies me. So again, I just try not to think about it, and continue to pray that no pre-e develops and I can birth naturally around 37 weeks like I usually do (I flash cook my kids).
 
#22 ·
#23 ·
I loved the entire process from pregnancy to birthing to the first blissful weeks after the birth (and beyond, though some days these past years I've had to convince myself of this!), to the point, like murrelet, that I wanted to be a surrogate. As a single mother, on food stamps and housing assistance this wasn't entirely possible (I wouldn't have been doing it for the money, but also wouldn't have denied a financial exchange for the process!!)

(as a side note, an ad just played while I was typing this? Scared me just a bit!! I didn't realize mothering had video ads... )

With my first born, at 18 years old, I was surrounded by many people (mostly all!) with a very negative and scary attitude about labor and delivery. The stories and warnings of "get the epidural!" were very scary to me, and my/his birth was less than ideal. Fortunately there were no complications from all that medical intervention, but there was a lack of self empowerment for my ability to birth a child. I woke up with my 2nd, and the high I experienced from having an unmedicated birth was like no other. Not sure if there is a connection, but I'm much closer to this child. He's my best buddy, and I actively seek him out to spend time with when I've had a really rough day.

I'm so glad for all you first timers to not only have your own inclinations to the beauty of birth, but also to have a resource to come to where people are optimistic and empowering about the birthing experience. It truly is magically wonderfully difficult. For me, the difficulty was only minutes long, at the very end when he was about to emerge. Once he was here, I was so content with the bliss and euphoria that I held no memory of the pain.

Jodie, thank you for your words. Embracing every possible outcome. And trusting the process wholeheartedly. I shared my fear with my husband, and felt quite shut down by him. "Why would you worry about that? It's not a big deal, you just (motioning unwrapping the cord) and move on. Get over it." Yes. Get over it. For me, in the end, I get over EVERYTHING. But not so instantaneously sometimes. Sometimes I need to hold that fear, to "and then what?" it, to analyze it, embrace it, and release it. I'm there on this issue.

Who on here has the signature, (something along the lines of) "Will one minute of worrying change the outcome, or be positive for you" or something along those lines? I love it. As my favorite line in a Tom Petty song goes, "Most things I worry about never happen anyway." Perhaps our worrying about them is our way of experiencing them on a different level, so that when we get there, we can respond. But perhaps that's just a lot of wasted energy. Moving forward. Always moving forward. :stillheart
 
#25 ·
Who on here has the signature, (something along the lines of) "Will one minute of worrying change the outcome, or be positive for you" or something along those lines? I love it. As my favorite line in a Tom Petty song goes, "Most things I worry about never happen anyway." Perhaps our worrying about them is our way of experiencing them on a different level, so that when we get there, we can respond. But perhaps that's just a lot of wasted energy. Moving forward. Always moving forward. :stillheart
That is @gabeyho :) It is Matthew 6:27/Luke 12:25 - "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

I love when she post cuz I get reminded of that spectacular line. :)
 
#24 ·
With a paper over the front cover :) I did start reading Childbirth Without Fear yesterday during my flights. While the concept is interesting and I understand what he is saying, I'm not sure I buy it 100% yet. My basic understanding so far is that birth is not supposed to be painful (discomfort, yes), and if you don't fear the process and create tension, then the body will work as its supposed to, without pain. Going into the book, I had in my head that yes there will be pain, but it's manageable and if you know that's it's coming and know what to expect, you can get through it. So for those of you who have been through an unmedicated birth, what's the real story? A couple people already mentioned the pain. Has anyone truly gone through an unmedicated birth without pain?

As a side story, I have a friend who had her first baby via c-section almost two years ago. I heard the birth story once, but it was at a party and I didn't fully hear it all. So I'm not 100% sure what led to the c-section, but I did hear that she had a lot of pain and was desperate to get some drugs. She was also overdue, so may have been induced. Anyway, we were recently talking about my pregnancy and plans for birth, and I mentioned that I'm going the midwife route. Her husband didn't understand the difference, so I explained the midwife philosophy of trusting the body to know what to do. And my friend said that clearly her body didn't know what to do. Then the conversation continued into birthing classes and that I was planning to read up on / attend classes of different methods to deal with labor. She said she didn't do any of that - didn't really read anything about labor, didn't go to classes, didn't even go to the basic hospital birth class! I guess she just showed up and expected everything to work out? So I'm wondering now if that's part of why she ended up with the c-section, by not really knowing what to expect or how to manage the pain.
 
#26 ·
Knowledge is power, Sarahjs. But it's more than power in a birthing situation. It can be a powerful relaxant, too.
There are people (a very very very) small percentage whose body just doesn't know what to do, or complications that are very real that need to be addressed. But with knowledge, recognizing those situations puts you in a different place. You doubt your body less when it does something that is perfectly normal, though unexpected when you haven't tried to understand the process. Delivering a baby is no joke! But without knowledge, one can become fearful, and when fear emerges, our natural tendency is to clench our body, our yoni's included. Clenching an area that is trying to open is counter productive. With knowledge, even those hardest contractions can be understood as temporary and necessary, the burden of fear automatically eases, and you can give your body its best shot at doing what it's naturally inclined to do...
 
#27 ·
I definitely experienced pain in birth, but it was a pain I could handle because I knew what I was getting out of it. It's different from the pain you'd get from cutting yourself or breaking a bone or something.

Years ago, I had surgery done on my big toes with a local anesthetic. Getting the numbing shot in the tips of my toes hurt so much that I can still feel the pain if I think about it. I can't feel the birth pain I had 3 times. I remember the fact that there was pain, but I can't remember exactly what it felt like. I can't feel it now like I can the pain of those evil local anesthetic shots.
 
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#28 · (Edited)
For me, @sarahjs, there was pain. But, when I would relax my body and welcome the sensations, the pain was significantly less than when I would tense up in preparation for the pain. The difference was immense and I can totally see the fear-tension-pain connection. Also, there is a difference between pain and suffering. For me, childbirth never went beyond pain into suffering. is a good video that explains the pain v. suffering and how the pain turns into suffering usually... by Penny Simkin, the same woman who wrote the chart that the mothering article Valerie11 posted. A few weeks/months ago, @murrelet wrote about the pain of childbirth being like a hike and it really resonated with how I feel about the sensations of childbirth. I will try to find it and link to it, but... does anyone else remember what thread that was in?
 
#30 · (Edited)
@happyday8598 Being young I guess causes a lot of people (even men???) to laugh off my views on birth. They say things like "oh you say that now, just wait you'll be begging for an epidural." I just think it's so silly to waste your breath trying to discourage another woman from having the birth she chooses and trying to scare her.

I don't want to have a natural birth so I can say "yeah look at me, I'm the best!" I just want to feel in complete control of my birth so I can feel empowered and strong knowing that I can do hard things. Very, very hard things!

I feel a blog post coming on.
 
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