Mothering Forum banner

*~*~* Spotlight on sarahjs!*~*~*

702 views 10 replies 6 participants last post by  Valerie11 
#1 ·
Let's get to know @sarahjs!

Ask away!
 
#5 ·
How did you meet your DH?
Short story: We met on match.com. :)

Long story: Throughout college, my plan was to move to the west coast. I grew up in Indiana, went to college there, and was ready to move on and out of the midwest. My sister moved to Oregon when I was in high school, and I go there to visit her at least once a year and love it there. My dad also lived in Seattle for four years, and I visited there several times and liked it also. So my heart was set on going to the pacific northwest, or even California. But then during my senior year of college, the big job fair where most engineering students land their first job happened to fall on 9/11. It was such a bizarre experience - trying to talk to companies and be upbeat and tell them you want a job when something so awful had just happened hours earlier, and a lot of companies didn't even make it the 2nd day since flights were grounded. So between not making contact with many companies at the job fair, the economy tanking, and my GPA not being the greatest, I didn't get any job prospects by graduation except for the local company in town where I did my senior design project. I considered going straight to grad school and using that as my avenue to get to the west coast. But I really wanted some work experience first, and many companies pay for grad school, so I decided to stay and work at the local company for a couple years.

So I had been at that job for about a year and a half, and was ready to start looking for something new. I learned so much there and gained some really invaluable experience, but I was ready to move on after developing some interests that I wouldn't be able to explore much there. I applied a couple places out west, but never heard anything back. Also in the meantime, I finally-really-finally ended an on and off relationship that had been dragging on for 3 years. A month or so after that breakup, I was ready to meet someone. I didn't think I was looking to jump into a serious relationship, but wanted to get out there and meet some new people and date. I was working a lot though, and had mostly male friends from college and work, and spent a lot of my weekends with them at the local bars. I decided to try online dating. I met one guy pretty quickly and dated for a couple weeks. Didn't go anywhere.

Around that time, another job opportunity came up in Virginia. This was obviously not the direction of heading to the west coast, but the job sounded interesting, and it was at least a move to do something new. Also one of my best college friends/roommate for two years lived in the same area, so that was a huge plus. I went there on a Friday for an interview and totally nailed it, and then spent the weekend with my friend. But... I kept having this nagging and overwhelming feeling that something was just not right about the job or the move there. I can't explain it other than a gut instinct, and I had no logical explanation for it at the time. I actually was wishing that they didn't offer me the job, so I wouldn't have to make that decision. But of course I got a call the following Monday morning offering me the job. I hesitated to accept since I still didn't feel it was right, and I had to figure out how to get out of my apartment lease, plan a move, etc. I asked them to send me a written offer to confirm everything the recruiter had told me verbally, but they said they needed a verbal acceptance in order to send the written offer. Seemed a bit odd to me, but I took some time to figure out my stuff, and had nothing concrete to stop me from accepting the job, only the feeling that it wasn't right.

So I gave them my verbal accept and started making plans to move, but did not officially quit my job until I got that written offer letter. I changed my match.com profile to the town in Virginia where I would be living, in hopes of making some connections with people before I moved (even just for friendship). The next part of the story is a long story in itself about sketchy dealings with that company (which I will share if anyone wants to know the details), so I will skip it other than to say I waited TWO FULL WEEKS for that offer letter to show up in the mail, despite the recruiter telling me multiple times that it had been sent. The funny thing was that the letter was overnighted to me! On top of that, the written offer didn't match up with what they had told me verbally. Between all the sketchiness and my "this is not right" feeling, I had to consider scrapping all my plans to take the job and move. I talked to family, friends, my boss at work, and even one of the VPs who knew me well, and concluded that I should not take this job. I made that final decision on a Sunday, let the recruiter know that I changed my mind on Monday, and then changed my match profile back to Indiana.

On Tuesday evening after work, the day after changing my profile back, I got IMs on match from a couple guys... one of them being my husband. :) His opening line was something about coffee, since my screen name was coffee related. We ended up chatting for a while, discovered we had some things in common, and he made me laugh. He was from the Detroit area and was in Indiana to start on his PhD program in mechanical engineering. Based on his picture, I didn't think he would be anything more than a friend. We continued chatting online every night via AIM, and I really liked talking to him, but still only considered him a friend. He eventually started talking about meeting in person for dinner. I was hesitant, but finally said ok. I wanted to just meet him someplace, but he insisted on picking me up. I finally agreed to let him. So one week after we first started chatting, we had our first dinner date. He showed up at my apartment with not only flowers, but a toy for my cat too! And seeing him in person instantly changed my thought about him just being a friend. :) We had a very nice dinner, talked a lot and got to know each other more. I became really nervous because I knew I liked him but worried he was out of my league and was probably dating a bunch of other women. We went back to my apartment and watched tv for a little bit after dinner. Before he left, we had a nice hug. To this day, he says that he knew I liked him because I squeezed him a bit harder and longer than a normal hug. We mentioned something about getting together again sometime, but I didn't know if he really meant it.

Either the next morning, or even that same night, he IMed me to say he had a good time on our date and was looking forward to seeing me again. So I invited him over the next night and we kissed for the first time. We saw each other a couple more times that week, and I knew I really really liked him. What I didn't know (until he told me later) was that he had a couple other dates that week. He liked me the best though, so we were shortly spending nearly every day together. He was in school, and I was working, but we would stay up late into the night talking and I would have to get up at 5 am for work, but I didn't care since I was totally falling for him. I felt that we had similar outlooks on life, similar goals, including that, ironically, neither of us wanted kids. At the time, I was 23 and he was just shy of 25. I knew that I was nowhere near ready for marriage, but did know this guy was special and wanted to keep dating him.

Two weeks after we started dating, it was his 25th birthday. I knew I wanted to get him a gift, but struggled what to get for someone that I really liked, but only knew for two weeks. He had mentioned during one of our long talks that he always wanted a watch but nobody had ever gotten one for him as a gift, despite having mentioned it. I found a watch for him, but it cost $100. I didn't care about the money, but it seemed like too much for someone that I had basically just met. I took a chance and gave it to him anyway, and he loved it. To this day, it is still one of his favorite gifts from me. He says it was really meaningful that I had heard him mention he wanted a watch and then actually got it for him, and that it was a turning point for him in our relationship. That watch has been scratched, cracked, gone through numerous battery changes, but it's still his watch from me and won't wear the replacement I got him several years ago.

So a week or so after his birthday, he told me that he had received a job offer back in Detroit. The PhD program was actually his backup plan, as he really wanted a particular job in a particular department, but there were no openings for him at the time. But now there was an opening, so he was moving back. I never in my life thought I would do this, but I told him "well, there are jobs and grad schools for me in Michigan, right?" I don't think he expected me to say that either. We had known each other 3 weeks! I wasn't ready to move or do anything right away, but I knew that I wanted to continue our relationship to see where it would go. But I also knew that we couldn't do a long distance relationship forever.

He was only in Indiana for one semester, less than 4 months, and he moved back exactly one month after we had our first date. We spent as much time together as possible, and I cried like a baby our final night together. He must have thought I was nuts. It was Christmas then, so we didn't see eachother for a couple weeks. His job didn't start until the 2nd week of January, so he came back to Indiana and spent the first week of January with me. At some point during that week, I determined that I could marry him. I had never thought or felt that about anyone else. We spent the next 4 months doing the long distance thing. About every 3 weeks, we took turns flying to see each other for the weekend. Then I started looking for jobs in Michigan, ended up finding one and moved. That was about 6 months into our relationship. However, my job was on the other side of town from where he lived, and I got an apartment near my job. So we still basically had a long distance relationship being 40 miles apart.

The next 6 years weren't easy. We had some really difficult times, a few breaks and some really awful arguments. But we always figured out a way to work it out and stayed together. I eventually started a grad school program while working full time, so we saw each other even less. I completed my goal to get a master's degree by the time I turned 30 (3 weeks to spare), and then he proposed on my 30th birthday. This was a complete surprise to me, since he had convinced me that he wasn't ready yet and it had been the topic of several recent discussions and arguments. It was so unexpected, that when he started his proposal speech about how he can't believe our lives intersected the way they did in the short time frame and he was so happy he went to Indiana and gets sad when he thinks about what his life would be like if he hadn't met me, I didn't realize what he was getting to and said, "but we did meet, so there's no need to be sad." I seriously nearly derailed his proposal attempts twice before I caught on to what was happening. :) We got married less than 5 months later and just celebrated our 4th anniversary last week. And we still live in Michigan, and I will probably never move to the west coast.

Sorry for the novel!
 
#7 ·
My bachelor's degree is in Industrial Engineering from Purdue University. My master's is in Engineering Management from the University of Michigan, via one of the satellite campuses that makes going to grad school more conducive for people working full time by offering evening and online classes.

I knew I didn't want an MBA, as I thought I'd be bored with complete business stuff, and I also didn't want another straight engineering degree. The engineering management program combined them both, giving me a lot of the business classes that I didn't get as an undergrad.

I do work in that field, and technically am an engineering manager by title, although I have no direct reports. For 10+ years, I have worked for a large, national truck rental and logistics/supply chain company. My job is primarily doing engineering analysis to support new business bids. Basically, I design warehouses and distribution centers: the layout, number of people required, amount and type of forklifts or other equipment, storage types, process flow, etc. I have to work with operations, IT and other groups to make sure my engineering matches operational reality, and then we price it and present it back to the customer. If we end up winning a deal, I go to help start up the new facility, and then sometimes provide ongoing support as needed for the operation.
 
#8 ·
I love all kinds of Asian foods! Thai, Chinese, Sushi, Indian, Korean, just started getting into Vietnamese since a restaurant finally opened on our side of town. If we go out to eat, 90% of the time, it will be one of those cuisines. For many years I was mostly vegetarian/vegan, and Asian food was pretty easy to get vegetarian and without cheese.

I do really like to cook. When I didn't eat much meat or dairy, I had fun taking on a challenge of making recipes vegan. During the summer, I shop at the farmer's market and make tons of veggies and various soups. I wrote in another thread about discovering several food sensitivities, so that ended up really changing what I eat and how I cook. And then with the corn sensitivity, I had to make nearly everything from scratch. After that went away, I got kind of lazy and took advantage of NOT having to make everything myself. And then with being pregnant and tired, I don't cook as much as I should or would like to. My husband cooks a fair amount now, but that means our meals are more simple - Some meat and veggies on the grill. He has a learned a couple of my more complex dishes though. I do not really like to bake, since it requires more exact measurements. When I cook, I don't follow recipes or measure anything, so baking becomes a bit tedious for me. But I will do it occasionally, and it was another thing that was a fun challenge to make substitutes as needed for my eating preferences and things I had to avoid.
 
#9 ·
Your love story's so sweet! Thanks for sharing it.

If it's not too personal, what changed your mind--and your husband's--on deciding to have kids after all?

This is your first child, yes? What are you most looking forward to about the arrival of your first, and what worries you the most?
 
#10 ·
There were multiple factors that prompted both of us to think we didn't want kids back then: our young ages (I never imagined getting married or having kids before 30), focus on our educations and careers, not really having spent much time with kids other than random strangers in public, and probably not having the ideal childhoods. Then our older siblings started having kids, so we spent longer periods of time with children that we were related to and had vested interest in their lives. Then our close friends started having kids, which brings another dimension to parenthood I think - you see people your age in similar situations with their kids. By the time we were engaged, we started speaking hypothetically about "if" we have kids. Somewhere along the way, it turned into "when" we have kids. It's an idea we both grew into together, I think.

After we had been married about two years, my husband started talking about having kids. I, however, wasn't really ready. I stopped taking birth control a few months after we got married and had started charting instead - to avoid. But my cycle was all over the place for a couple years, really long cycles and I wasn't really sure if I was ovulating. That's also the time that I had gained a lot of weight without explanation, and I knew there was something going on with my health, but no doctor could figure it out. I knew it was not the time to try to get pregnant until I could figure out the health issues. That led me to discovering the food sensitivities, which was a huge part of my problem, but not everything.

By early 2013, my husband was talking more and more about having kids, but I still wasn't ready. Although my health was better, it wasn't great and I knew I was still missing a piece of the puzzle. In March, I very unexpectedly found out I was pregnant. We had still been avoiding, but weren't 100% careful (although timing still really baffles me on that cycle). My husband was VERY excited. I realized at that point how much he really wanted to have kids. I immediately thought I was going to have a miscarriage and told him not to get too excited just yet. Part me thought I felt that way because it was unplanned and I wasn't ready, but I now feel that it was just an instinct of knowing the pregnancy wasn't right. I kept waiting for the miscarriage to happen, but weeks kept going and I was still pregnant, so I finally accepted it and started to tell people and make plans. At 11 weeks, I started bleeding and confirmed the miscarriage, and I believe that baby had stopped growing many weeks earlier.

We were both devastated, but it became a turning point for both of us to agree that we wanted to try again to get pregnant and start our family. However, they discovered a complex cyst on my ovary that had to be monitored for a while, and I was advised not to get pregnant until that went away. In meantime I finally figured out another significant health issue - low iodine, got that corrected and started feeling much better and my cycles were finally normal with some other supplements. I was finally ready to get pregnant. We spent 6 months monitoring the ovarian cyst, and not only did it not go away, but through the imaging for that cyst, they found another mass on my colon. This got the doctors in high gear to no longer just monitor, but go in for surgery to determine if this was cancer that had spread. I spent a couple weeks wondering if I had cancer and had lost my chances to have children. My surgery was last December, and there was no cancer - yay! but it was another pre-cancerous cyst with a completely unrelated benign tumor on my colon. My doctor talked to me the day after surgery and suggested that we try to get pregnant as soon as my recovery period was over (high chance of the cyst recurring and eventually losing the ovary), which is exactly what we did. It took a few months of trying, which really isn't bad, but it was a full year of waiting from the previous miscarriage, with a lot of other crap to deal with in the meantime.

So yes, this will be our first child. I am most looking forward to the sense of family and seeing my husband with his son or daughter, and figuring out how to raise a little person that is a blend of both of us. It makes me really emotional to think of how we've both grown and changed (thankfully in the same direction) over the 11 years we've been together, and how he is so super happy about this baby and looking forward to being a dad. What worries me is that I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I wonder if I'll be a good mother. I've never had a strong desire to be a mother, and didn't have the best role model of one. I worry I won't be able to be as selfless as I should be, and I worry about being a working mom when I don't have to be out of necessity. I hope that a lot of that stuff will work itself out one way or another, and that mothering instincts will kick in once the baby is here.
 
#11 ·
What worries me is that I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I wonder if I'll be a good mother. I've never had a strong desire to be a mother, and didn't have the best role model of one. I worry I won't be able to be as selfless as I should be, and I worry about being a working mom when I don't have to be out of necessity. I hope that a lot of that stuff will work itself out one way or another, and that mothering instincts will kick in once the baby is here.
I also didn't have a strong desire to be a mom and didn't really like kids, the way some people do, before my first pregnancy. But somewhere in the back of my mind I always knew I would have them. I had a friend in high school who said she would never have kids, ever, and I thought that was strange to not want them at all. No one is a perfect mom, and the first one is really scary, but you sound even better prepared than I ever was. And that love really does kick in when you have a baby. There just is no such thing as a perfect mom or the perfect way to do things.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top