On the technical side, I did find a tight sports bra but I couldn't find my belly wrap from last time, so I ordered another one.
I saw my former therapist on Wednesday and got time alone in the car to get brave enough to talk to my baby girl. Doing that helped a lot and I cried a lot. But then on Thursday, my brain was throwing up hope to me and that was really annoying. I went to see my new nephew at the hospital, and he was very cute with that tiny softball head, so different from the pictures of 16 week fetuses I had been looking at to prepare myself. I was ok until my SIL said something about "You know how you are so glad the baby is healthy," and I got quiet and couldn't really say anything. I hope they don't think I was thinking bad thoughts about them circumcising their kids, because I was thinking about myself, but who knows. If we do lose the baby, they will know why I was sad soon enough. Dh said he was very impressed that I went to see their baby, but I didn't feel like I had a choice not to; they and their little baby did nothing wrong and they deserve the adoration. So, I kept busy with seeing their baby and hanging out with my BFF on Thursday but I don't know if that was a good or bad idea because I didn't end up having any processing time and didn't cry at all.
Last night I watched The Dark Knight Rises with my older kids and there is a part where the villain explains that his prison works so well because being able to see a potential way out gives the prisoners hope, and their despair cannot be complete without hope. That is how I feel - like the hope is bad, and it would be easier emotionally if there were no hope, but the hope sneaks in, and then I feel it will make the grief worse when the bad news comes. I have little hope of getting good news for two reasons: 1. The test is so new that only having had two positives is not enough data to say if my chances really are 50/50; 2. I had two dreams earlier in my pregnancy, before I knew this, that I think were prophetic. The first one was two months ago - I miscarried and held a baby in the palm of my hand and showed it to my dh. The baby at 16 weeks will be about 4.5 inches, just about hand-size. The second one was two weeks ago - I gave birth now, very early, but I was asleep for it, and I woke up and asked my MW how the birth went. I think that one was telling me to have an induction (not an extraction) when/if the baby dies.