I normally lurk on this forum, but this post spoke to me on a deep level, and I felt compelled to respond. I am also a FTM and going through these same emotions. I wanted a baby, we tried for a baby, I was excited to get pregnant, but it hit me hard after that positive test was finally in my hand. I thought I was ready for this, I prepared myself reading all that I could and spending time with my best friend from the day her second child was born, learning everything I could. But once I knew I was pregnant, I was terrified and still feel totally unprepared for the future. I, too, feel grief for the loss of a life I was happy and content to have, and worry that I pushed this too soon. I am still very excited to be having a child, but that excitement is tinged with worry and regret and fear of the unknown. Once the nausea, bloating, fatigue, and horrid pregnancy acne hit, I no longer felt like a new glowing mom. I feel like my body is out of my control, and unattractive, and like I'm constantly recovering from the flu.
I've had several breakdowns on my DH since this began. Luckily for me, this is not his first child (10 y/o from previous marriage), so he doesn't have the major fears and anxieties I do. He knows what to expect. He has no illusions about pregnancy, and is nothing but understanding of my constant ill feeling state and roller coaster mood swings. He has been endless support for me, but I feel guilty when my pregnancy affects our intimacy and my sanity.
I just wanted to reach out and say that I understand completely where you are right now. I have hope that we will both feel more comfortable, content, and excited as our pregnancies progress. I really hope when the hormones level a bit in the second trimester, that I'll feel more like myself. I know we're supposed to be overjoyed and ready, but reality is that there is NO being ready, and this is HARD. I believe it will get better.