first trimester and regret - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 08-08-2014, 06:38 AM - Thread Starter
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first trimester and regret

In the throes of first trimester symptoms, I'm finding myself having feelings sometimes that I know are natural and understandable, but I never hear anyone talk about them. I imagine women don't share them because they're the "wrong" feelings to have. So I thought I'd share here for two reasons. One, I just want to get them off my chest in a supportive community, and two, maybe someone else is feeling the same way but feels "wrong" about it, too, and could use a place to share.

There are days when I regret getting pregnant. We tried for this baby and wanted it, but when the morning sickness and fatigue and general vague sense of suffering get bad, I catch myself wishing we hadn't done it. It's not that I would want to stop being pregnant now that I am (although sometimes I did catch myself feeling that way before I heard the heartbeat, which made me feel terribly guilty). It's just regret. Not always, but sometimes.

It's hard for me to focus on the end result and draw comfort from that because what a new baby looks like to me at the moment is the end of a part of my life that I've really enjoyed and the beginning of a new one I have no frame of reference for. It's a life change that I embraced and felt (mostly!) ready for, but it doesn't always make me happy to think about it. Excitement is mixed with grief when I think about holding that little baby in my arms.

I don't know if this would be different if I had already done this before and knew how in love I can be with a baby. But mostly at this point I feel nothing but dutiful about this, like getting through it is just something I have to do. I don't think about buying stuff or preparing our house for the baby, the ultrasound picture is somewhere in a stack of papers on my desk, and I don't feel eager or sentimental about the future. I don't feel depressed or broken down, I just grieve sometimes.

Again, I'm not surprised I feel this way when I'm this nauseous and tired, and I'm hoping that the second trimester will actually include some expectant joy. But for now I just needed to share that. I hope I don't sound like an ungrateful jerk.
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#2 of 10 Old 08-08-2014, 06:53 AM
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You are having very natural FTM "buyer's remorse". I got pregnant pretty quickly after we decided to try for #1 that I totally freaked out. It was hard to deal with the reactions of coworkers, colleagues and family who were not generally supportive and none of our friends had kids. Once you start feeling the baby move you will feel a lot better. It really helps you to feel attached.

And yeah your life is going to be totally different. Not worse, just different. We had kids at the time that we did mostly because we felt like we were in a rut--had done the travel and stuff we wanted and if we waited until I had tenure (I was in a grad program) it would be 8-10 more years and we just didn't want to wait that long. Still, the first year is definitely hard. But you will learn a lot about yourself. It's ok to have these rotten feelings right now. They won't last forever, I promise
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#3 of 10 Old 08-08-2014, 08:14 AM
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I normally lurk on this forum, but this post spoke to me on a deep level, and I felt compelled to respond. I am also a FTM and going through these same emotions. I wanted a baby, we tried for a baby, I was excited to get pregnant, but it hit me hard after that positive test was finally in my hand. I thought I was ready for this, I prepared myself reading all that I could and spending time with my best friend from the day her second child was born, learning everything I could. But once I knew I was pregnant, I was terrified and still feel totally unprepared for the future. I, too, feel grief for the loss of a life I was happy and content to have, and worry that I pushed this too soon. I am still very excited to be having a child, but that excitement is tinged with worry and regret and fear of the unknown. Once the nausea, bloating, fatigue, and horrid pregnancy acne hit, I no longer felt like a new glowing mom. I feel like my body is out of my control, and unattractive, and like I'm constantly recovering from the flu.

I've had several breakdowns on my DH since this began. Luckily for me, this is not his first child (10 y/o from previous marriage), so he doesn't have the major fears and anxieties I do. He knows what to expect. He has no illusions about pregnancy, and is nothing but understanding of my constant ill feeling state and roller coaster mood swings. He has been endless support for me, but I feel guilty when my pregnancy affects our intimacy and my sanity.

I just wanted to reach out and say that I understand completely where you are right now. I have hope that we will both feel more comfortable, content, and excited as our pregnancies progress. I really hope when the hormones level a bit in the second trimester, that I'll feel more like myself. I know we're supposed to be overjoyed and ready, but reality is that there is NO being ready, and this is HARD. I believe it will get better.
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#4 of 10 Old 08-08-2014, 08:27 AM
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You are both right. Uncertainty & remorse is very normal, especially in the first trimester, and especially if you're feeling sick. The first time I got pregnant, it was accidental, and I was in college & not married & I was VERY upset about it, and even wished that the pregnancy would end spontaneously. By the end of the 2nd trimester, though, my mind had changed & I felt very different about it (& I was married, which helped). I don't remember feeling that way with the other two, but things were very different, and I might have just forgotten.
This time, I have caught myself having doubts about the sanity of our plan to have one more. I am worried about being too old this time, about the dangers of the 4th c-section, and the difficulty of changing our beautiful family dynamic. Not to mention that this means I will be taking off work completely for several months, and then adding at least 5 years to the time-frame for going back full-time- as I'm getting my doctorate. But, having BTDT, I know that the doubts will all pass, and that although things will change, pretty soon I'll wonder how we ever felt satisfied without the new baby. It will come. Besides, it's too late now, lol. Might as well embrace it & look for the positive.

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#5 of 10 Old 08-08-2014, 10:23 AM
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I am a BTDT mom, so I come from a little different perspective. I totally understand what you are saying - totally normal. For me, I was really excited about my first 3. I was like, yes, I'm pregnant - let the fun begin! This one, my hubby really wanted and i was like, eh. Homeschooling, blogging, trying to make things work, being at home alone most of the time...even typing it all out puts my stomach into fits. How am I to give all of them the attention that they need? I was talking to my hubby about that last night, and he didn't say much.

Dealing with birth...

But I know when you hold that baby for the first time, everything goes away. They fit into your family instantly - like he/she was never not there. They become a part of you - and you won't even remember having this conversation. Babies have a way of doing that. Then, they grow up...
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Homeschooling, homebirthing mom to 3 (10, 5 and 2). Fourth expected in late March (yeah right, I carry forever). Probably mid-April!
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#6 of 10 Old 08-09-2014, 08:23 AM - Thread Starter
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Thank you everybody so much for these replies. In my head I know it's normal and OK to feel this way, but it helps my heart a lot to hear it from you, especially your personal stories. I'm so glad for this group!

drjolene, I'm especially glad that you signed on and shared. I cried reading your post, and they were tears of relief to know that somewhere in Kansas a FTM is freaking out with me. It's so good to know that somehow! And I think you're right. This is just hard, and we had no idea HOW hard, and we're still adjusting. But time is a great healer, and I'm trying to trust that.

Today is a better day because I feel pretty good. I was showering this morning and thought about how before long I'll be giving a little baby a bath, and I felt a surge of excitement. A glow? No. But who glows when they spent the whole day yesterday trying not to puke? One step at a time.
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#7 of 10 Old 08-13-2014, 01:17 AM
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I had no clue these feelings were normal but aasumed so vevayse they were so intense and so unlike anything Id normal say/feel.

Im a first time mom to be and we planned our baby. Once it happened we were super thrilled. A few weeks in, pretty severe all day sickness kicked in and I was practically "couch" ridden for a solid month.

I began to have thoughts like:
Was I really ready?
Is this extreme sickness a sign?
Maybe I didnt think this through?
This was a bad idea
So on and so on.

Never told my husband, don't know if I ever will as he might not understand. 4 weeks until EDD and im very happy. Those thoughts faded as the sickness cleared
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#8 of 10 Old 08-13-2014, 06:29 AM
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You are brave to express yourself so openly - on other forums some women might have criticized you - but it shows how supportive our group is already. I am not a FTM, far from it, but I am having a lot of apprehension with this pregnancy. I'm 40, I already have four kids (ages almost-11 to 5), and I'm driving the kids to 3 schools, different activities, tournaments and competitions (with a husband who travels). I'm thinking of nursing while be restricted by carpool times, cloth diapering when I'm already over-loaded with laundry, and the timing of getting lunches made, uniforms ironed, kids to school, help with homework, etc on a daily basis AS WELL AS taking care of a newborn.

I think it's OK to worry and it's OK to question whether you've made the right choice. No mom can deny that a fist baby changes your life completely! You can't predict how labour will go, how often your baby will eat, how well they will sleep, or how you'll deal with the crazy hormonal changes. That's the scary part, IMO. It's the unknown and unpredictable. And it's completely normal to wonder if this huge life change is right for right now. I worry. I think it's normal
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#9 of 10 Old 08-17-2014, 10:24 PM
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I am so right there with you. Despite having been trying for over 2 years, I still have these awful moments of fear when I think about starting all over again and giving up my newly found independence. Sometimes I cant wait to find out what the baby is, cant wait to hold him or her in my arms...and others I'm just thinking I'm freaking insane. Maybe I should have waited longer...or maybe shouldnt have tried at all. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe not. I don't know. What I do know, is that its happening despite all these thoughts and come March, we''ll all be happy to have our babies in our arms. We always are.
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#10 of 10 Old 08-21-2014, 03:12 PM
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Hi @indiana ,

Thanks for sharing your feelings and starting this post. I've been struggling the past few weeks as well. I'll start by saying this is a very wanted and loved baby for us...which almost makes the emotional roller coaster harder to cope with. We already have one little one and we were excitedly TTC this apparently I felt ready a few months ago! After my BFP I was on cloud 9 for about a week but once the all day exhaustion and nausea kicked in at week 5 I've been an anxious mess...constantly worrying about if we "timed this right" or how will we juggle a newborn and toddler's needs at the same time?! I attribute the anxiety and doubt to the extreme hormones helping to build this precious baby. I also feel guilty b/c DH is so excited and I feel like I'm putting out his flame by always talking about my worries and doubting our parenting capabilities with two little ones.

To be honest, I didn't feel this anxious or sick the first time around, but I do remember feeling crummy in general and then much more like myself by around 13/14 weeks...I felt much better mentally, emotionally and physically. For me the turning point also included being able to hear the heartbeat for the first time (13 wks) and then having that growing bump starting to resemble a baby around 16-18 wks (as opposed to just appearing bloated!)

I totally understand where you are coming from, and yes I think these are normal (just not often openly discussed) feelings. Like the other veteran mamas out there, I can say with all my heart that everything we go through is worth it in the end. Pregnancy, birth and motherhood is not for the faint of heart, but most of us will rise to the occasion with more patience, love and grace then we thought possible. You and your baby are meant for each other, and he/she will join your family like a perfect puzzle piece

Hope you start to feel better in the coming weeks! Hugs to you and all the other mamas going through tough times right now.
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