Mothering Forum banner

Fears

2K views 31 replies 9 participants last post by  Yaliina 
#1 ·
Big one for me. This is the first time I have had "pregnancy fears". I have always been a very positive pregnant person. I have been the one that says - you take care of yourself and you do what you need to do - things always go your way.

Maybe it's my age, or the world - but things have changed.


I don't have any birth fears - I never have. It's weird. I have never been fearful of labor, or the intense feelings.

This time around, my fears revolve around having my voice taken away. Not being listened to...not having choices. Having to fight for every single thing.

Even the remote possibility of having to give birth in a hospital scares the bejessus out of me. Going to the midwife - I feel like I'm depowered. It's really weird. She is nice enough. The place is very sterile, and they don't allow me to take my own pee stick. I'm not sure why that matters - but it's like just a bit of me is being taken away. It's like it's just the start of my power being stripped away.

It's scary. Very scary.

And it makes my blood pressure go up.

I try not to think about it. The only way i can think about making it better is by empowering myself. I don't know. By taking care of myself and preparing to do it at home - even if it's alone. I'm starting to research doing it unassisted, getting things together, getting the information that I need - reading the unassisted boards, etc. Honestly, I'm not sure I am going to be able to make myself actually go so I need to be prepared to go into a closet and have this baby.

Isn't that weird? 95% of women go to the hospital to give birth - and I am scared to death of it. It seems backwards.

I would love to hear about your fears.
 
See less See more
#2 ·
I had this fear a little bit last time. I'm so glad everything worked out so week with my homebirth because this time it is easier to believe things can work out. Also, I've been doing co-care with an OB who has treated me amazingly well and really cares and that is taking the fear out of an emergency hospital visit for me. Is this midwife your only option? It doesn't sound like quite the right fit. If so, it may be that you just need to be reminded of our own strength and what you are truly capable of.

Have you read any Ina May this pregnancy? Maybe some great birth stories like in Guide to Childbirth or The Babycatcher would help you feel like you're in the driver's seat a little more? Maybe talk to your midwife about how you're feeling? If you feel like that would go okay. I'm sorry that you are struggling with this! I hope you can find some good ways to turn it around.
 
#4 ·
fear of loss (even in second trimester)

my biggest fear is losing this baby. we're 14 weeks with our third baby now, and i've already heard a heartbeat twice. i even started feeling movement at 10 weeks and nearly daily since then (i know some will tell me "it's probably just gas"). but i've had the hardest time settling into the trust that he/she will stay with me; some days i fear that it's my own intuitive foreboding about a pending loss. but it's made it hard to bond to this baby, as i'm so convinced i'll lose him/her.

i've had two miscarriages in the past: one before my firstborn, and one after my second born (but i didn't even know i was pregnant until i was losing it).

one of the biggest "evidences" i find for my fear being justified is that the movement i've felt doesn't seem to be getting stronger, more noticeable, or more frequent, even though i'm 14 weeks along now. another part of me tells myself that i'm lucky to feel the baby EVER, and shouldn't expect it daily at this point, but i'm not sure what's truth/fact there.

so that's mine.

i also don't fear the actual birth. i'm looking forward to it this time!
 
#5 ·
Hmmm I am scared of being transported to the hospital. Our local hospital does NOT allow VBACs and if it is absolutely necessary to be transported I probably don't have the close to an hour it takes to get a hospital that allows VBACs.

I am scared I am going to gain too much weight. I started the pregnancy at 260 *cringe* and am terrified to surpass 300 :eek:

I was also hoping to move out of our craptastic apartment and into a HOME before this baby comes but I only have 6 months....we are not exactly financially secure atm annnnd rentals are super hard to get into in my tiny town. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I will be giving birth in an apartment with neighbors going up an down and stairs and hearing me moaning and groaning (I birth loud ha!). I know it sounds trivial, but I just pictured my birth space as more homey than white walls and beige carpet (I hate this).

I also have 4-5 weeks before I will have my first ultrasound. My first born had birth defects that were not compatible with life and so of course I am afraid of that happening again though the odds are pretty low. There ya go all my nutty fears!
 
#6 ·
I share the fear of disempowerment. It is what has happened to me at every single birth, and what I fear most, aside from catastrophic medical complications/death. I've attempted 3 natural childbirths, and have ended up with 3 unplanned, emergency c-sections so far, and have really felt like all of my power was taken away with each one. My first child didn't survive, either, which honestly probably set me up for the others. So, since that is my biggest fear, I've decided to PLAN a c-section this time- partly because I believe it MAY be the safest option (afterall, VBA3C is really not something much studied), and partly in order to attempt to re-claim some measure of control over the actual birth process. I know what to expect, and I'm going to arrange everything ahead with the OB, who seems quite accommodating (so far), and is certainly the best around (she's head of maternal-fetal medicine).

That feeling of disempowerment is the stuff of my nightmares, and it is so sad that it's such a common theme in hospitals and at births. It's partly because when you're in labor, your thinking/reasoning/logical brain shuts down, and you are unable to make decisions or advocate for yourself adequately. And partly because medical personnel are trained to take charge and expect compliance, and society/convention supports that dynamic. I have decided that I'm going to be extremely forward and brutally honest with everyone involved prior to the birth this time, and I'm going to make sure everyone knows how it's going to be. And then I'm going to pray no uncontrollable medical crisis comes along and strips all my work away again.
 
#7 · (Edited)
@Yaliina I think you have such a great plan! I think you are right, it is very important that you are very clear from the beginning. Yep, the disempowerment is HUGE for me.
@LexiDrewMama - weight. Ahhhh, the dreaded W word. Yeah. I started my last pregnancy at 260 lbs as well. I ended it at about 265, which was good, but then gained about 30 lbs after the baby was born until I started my weight loss journey. I ended up 5 lbs shy of 300 lbs. Even though I am not quiet as heavy, weight is still a big worry for me as well. If I were seeing a homebirth midwife, I wouldn't worry as much, but the mainstream is very alarmist. Plus, my blood pressure is directionally proportional to my weight (which I found out through losing weight). If my weight goes up, so will my blood pressure.

That - I do not want. I do not want to end up with high blood pressure. Seriously. So, I am being very very very very careful about my eating and being extra diligent about my exercise - to an annoying degree. Besides the chips and salsa and nachos (that I make myself and are very well controlled), I am not indulging any of my cravings. I eat almost no refined sugar. No brownies, no ice cream, no oreo cookies, no seconds, oh my. I am eating very healthy but by doing that, I almost feel that I am missing out on the fun of pregnancy. Unfortunately, it's gotta be that way. I try to make the best of it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Rosemarino
#8 ·
@Lisa R. Nelson, I understand what you are saying about feeling like you are missing out on the "fun" of pregnancy by not indulging your cravings & eating the junk pregnant women feel we're "entitled" to eat. I had been dieting and exercising, and had lost a decent amount of weight before my last pregnancy, so once I was pregnant, it was just habit to continue being careful about what I ate, and I started feeling that I was missing the fun, too. So, I consciously decided to let myself indulge. I did, and it didn't impact my pregnancy, I don't think, but afterwards, I was still in that indulgence state of mind, and so I gained all the weight that I'd previously lost by a year after baby was born (and didn't lose it again). This time, I'm being more reasonable, and working on staying out of that indulgence mindframe. Kudos to you for being so diligent! It sounds like you are doing really well, and you'll be happier (and healthier) in the longrun for it. :)
 
#9 ·
I said f*ck it yesterday and ate some blue cheese that I noticed our grocery store carried made of raw milk. I love raw milk cheese and blue cheese. Then I worried all night and day. I only just felt some kicks now, none all day. I also continue to notice my discharge is brown tinged usually and today it seemed especially so. I always feel alarmed because it looks like old blood.
 
#10 ·
I think I have typical first time mom fears. I'm worried that we aren't ready to be parents. We have only been married a little over a year. Maybe we should have spent more time as just a couple. I'm worried about how a baby will change the relationship with my husband. I'm going in knowing that we will be the most exhausted we have ever been for a while. I might become very selfish or focused on baby. The mothering I'm not worried about, it's the being a good partner.
 
#11 ·
I'm not sure why I haven't participated in this thread yet. I have plenty.

My biggest one is a fear of major tearing in childbirth. I have the opposite kind of pelvic floor dysfunction than women normally hear about - my muscles are too tight. My perineum has suffered a lot over the years because of it - and not just because of the issue itself, but because no doctor in my life ever thought to diagnose it and recommend PT. I was told it was "just how some women are." The muscles aren't tight enough to prevent vaginal exams or anything like that, but they are tight enough to make sex fairly uncomfortable much of the time and to cause anal fissures from normal bowel movements. I have some scar tissue from the anal fissures, even, which have come and gone since I was in high school.

I finally diagnosed myself with pelvic floor hypertonicity after a bunch of research (thanks for the help, docs!) and underwent a lot of PT last year for it and was in much better shape after that. But the therapist warned me that much of my condition is a result of the way I hold myself when I'm carrying stress (I carry stress in my core - my abdominals are loaded with trigger points too, and are likely what causes my IBS), and that she hadn't cured me. She gave me maintenance work to do (which I haven't always been great about following - it's a LOT of work), and I intend to go back to PT in the months leading up to delivery. I know that will help a lot.

But with the scar tissue existing on my perineum, I'm still scared. And I know that if I'm afraid in the moment, my instinct will be to hold in and tighten the muscles, which will make it worse. So in that sense, I'm afraid of my own fear. I know there's a difference between telling myself things will be OK and actually internalizing that enough to truly relax. Thankfully PT taught me a lot of good relaxation skills to drop my pelvic floor, and the therapist said in some ways I might be better prepared to leave with an intact perineum than most, but in terms of physiology I'm just not sure.

That said, I think it's possible that a lot more women suffer from pelvic floor hypertonicity than know about it. I was never diagnosed and had to find it myself. I think women are told that sex is uncomfortable sometimes and that pain is just part of being a woman. So then we are too tight when it comes time to give birth, which causes damage to the pelvic floor, and that's why we end up incontinent or with prolapses or crossing our legs when we sneeze. I don't think childbirth should have to irreparably damage the pelvic floor, but I think a lot of women assume it's just part of being a woman. Maybe if insurance companies paid for PT before and after childbirth, more women would come through it intact. I could rant about that for while, but I'd better stop here!
 
#12 ·
@indiana Good for you for doing the research and taking care of yourself. I agree - all insurance should pay for PT. I wish they would realize that there is more to staying healthy than a yearly physical. Lots of stuff going into it, and instead of making a defined list of what they think we need - the doctors and patients should be able to decide. At least for a defined amount of sessions, then more if necessary.

I bet a problem like yours would drive women to surgery. Seriously. That is very scary. But you are doing your research and being proactive - which in my opinion, is the best method for prevention.

Thanks so much for sharing!
 
#13 ·
@Rosemarino I don't think the cheese had anything to do with the more brown discharge, if it was more brown. I find that sometimes my mind plays tricks on me when I am worried about something. I think that the problem with unprocessed cheese is listeriosis. (not sure how to spell it), but it has an incubation period of more than 12 hours.

I think that stuff is so rare...you know? I hope you enjoyed your cheese!
 
#14 ·
@PortlandRose I totally understand. I think that after you get into the situation, you will figure things out. I think life will show you how to do it. You will have space in your heart for everyone!
 
#15 ·
@PortlandRose I think Rosemarino is right, but your fears are not completely unfounded. There is a huge adjustment that comes with becoming new parents. One thing that is going to remain really important is open communication between yourself and your partner. Make sure you are practicing good communication now- maybe even go to an enrichment course or something (there are lots of good ones, if you look), and talk openly to your DH about your fears. Let him know that you want to keep being a good partner, but you know that becoming a mother will take its toll, and that will mean he'll need to make sacrifices, as will you, for a time. In my experience, what happens is that once baby is born, you do/must become solely focused on that baby, because baby relies entirely on you for everything. But, it is a slowly unravelling thread. The baby will begin relying less and less exclusively on Mom, and you will have more and more time for partner. But it will take time & it will likely take a toll. The trick is to be committed to the process, be open about your feelings, and be willing to compromise and make sacrifices sometimes. That looks different in each relationship, but might include hiring a sitter and having a date (even if you can't actually LEAVE baby- you could hire someone to keep baby downstairs or something), giving DH attention when you're really too tired to do so (on occasion), or starting a new tradition of having a quiet conversation without baby-talk right before bed each night. Even little things like asking him how his day was before telling him about what baby did can be a big deal to guys, sometimes. You'll work it out if you just keep communication a priority & stay committed (both of you) to the process. It's totally worth the effort. :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: PortlandRose
#16 ·
Oh, and @indiana, I agree with Lisa in givign your kudos for advocating for yourself! I know you mentioned having spoken with a doula. Have you looked into taking birthing classes? I've tried a few methods myslef, and liked the Bradley Method the best. It teaches you (more) relaxation techniques, and more importantly, you practice them with your partner, which could help with your concern of tensing up during labor. That's my instinct, too, but I use a combination of Bradley Method & some hypnosis techniques (my dad is a hypnotherapist) to keep myself loose during labor. You're so pro-active, and committed. You'll do fine. Just talk over your concerns with your OB ahead of time. :)
 
#18 ·
After reading @indiana's post about her crappy doctor's visit, I wrote this, but then decided it belonged here instead of in the main chat.

I am so glad that you (all) are so committed to a natural birth experience & that you have confidence in your ability to do it the way women have for millions of years. You sound a lot like me. I don't want to be negative Nancy here, but because it sounds so much like me, I can't help but be concerned that in the unlikely event that things don't go as planned, that you will be devastated. I never dealt seriously with the possibility of "failure" before any of my births, and as a result of that, when the outcomes didn't match the expectations, I suffered PTSD, depression, and anxiety related to birth. Of course, my experiences are the exception, rather than the norm, and in all likelihood everything will go as planned (at least mostly), but I want everybody to think ahead of time about what they will do and how they will feel IF things go south & medical intervention becomes necessary. It was exceedingly important to me that I be able to give birth naturally- even at home (the last time). When I failed, I felt like a failure as a mother, and like I didn't even give birth to my children. I have avoided reading, talking, or thinking much about birth since. I don't want anyone else to suffer that, so I encourage all of you to really embrace and accept the possibility that interventions, while not ideal or sought after, are acceptable alternatives and make us no less successful as mothers and women. It's easier said than done. I still don't believe it. But I'm trying.
 
  • Like
Reactions: gabeyho
#19 ·
Thank you so much for this comment, @Yaliina. I need to keep it in mind. My doula reminded me of something similar recently. She said that when I formulate my birth plan, I should focus more on how I want to feel emotionally during labor and childbirth (empowered, safe, comfortable, etc.) than on what I specifically want to happen. I think that's wise advice.

To be honest, my commitment to natural birth isn't just because of my confidence in my body or even for the sake of my baby's health (although it is both of those things). The other reason is that I'm just scared of most of the available interventions. I'm scared of the epidural and its potential side effects, which I saw my mom go through. I'm scared of the unnatural pain of pitocin contractions. I've never used pain killers. I've never had even minor surgery. I've never been to the hospital. To me, my own body's pain and work are much more familiar and far less scary than any of the interventions available, and I'd rather deal with something I know. So really, it's not so much a fear of failing as a mother that I need to work through, but fear of the interventions themselves. I need to work through those fears because, should the need for an intervention truly arise, I want to keep my stress hormones under control and be able to adjust and move forward.

That was really important for me to write out.
 
#20 ·
Hey Lisa, first i want say that i feel you and i believe that your fear of going to a hospital is reasonable, i would try not to let fear overcome you because you will lose the confidence that you naturally have as a woman and as a mom.
I personally hate hospitals, specially for births, because they are not birth-friendly. We become one more patient that has to go in and out to make room for others and so our needs, which are even more special for moms in labor, are not even close to beeing met. they also lack the patience that we need to dilate and push c-sections cause they are faster and more expensive. So again, i feel you.
I began my labor at home and had a complication because my midwife ended up being incompetent and made me push before it was time, I ended up giving birth in a hospital.

So my first advice is that if you want to have a birth at home, it is very important that you find someone you feel you can trust and that that person is quialified and responsible

Second, have a back up plan ready in case, god forbids, you need one. for example what hospital is closest to you and even find out what doctors are available and their shifts, and have an ambulance number ready (or a car and who will drive you), call them in advance when you get your contractions to give heads up.
Third, make sure you can actually have a home birth, for example the baby´s position, the size of the head to go through the birth channel, make sure the umbilical chord is not around the baby´s neck.
Fourth, plan your birth with love, get a hold of some relaxed music, candles, scented oils, if you want your partner with you have him give you some foot massages, warm water baths did wonders for me during contractions.
I wish you the best luck and a beautiful birth :)
 
#21 ·
As I encounter more posts on here and read up on labor, delivery, and procedures done on baby and mother postpartum, a new fear is developing. I thought I was pretty educated already thanks to doula training, but now that I'm in the thick of things, I realize how incredibly difficult it is to navigate medicalized birth. I have been easily able to refuse procedures or delay them to think/research more before I consent, and nothing has been done to me so far that I didn't feel comfortable with - I've never felt forced into anything, which I have really appreciated about this practice.

But it's entirely up to me to keep it that way. I am almost never told in advance about an upcoming procedure so I have time to research it and make sure I want it. I have to ask, "What will happen at my next appointment?" or I would never be told. Procedures and tests are done automatically on a schedule, with the assumption that I'll consent just because the doctor said it's a good idea, even if I don't really know what it is. (And I think that assumption doesn't just come from the medical community - so many mothers I've talked to don't really want to know. They say knowing makes them anxious, and they just want the whole process to happen to them.) Again, since I am informed, I've been able to be on top of it and have never received criticism for declining a procedure or asking for an alternative approach. But if I didn't ask or decline or know, it would absolutely just happen to me with no time to think.

Which leads me to my developing concern, which probably mirrors Lisa's original post. I hate that I have to be this protective, this guarded, and this hyper-aware in order to not be disempowered as a mother and as a woman who should be in control of what happens to her body and her baby. I know that if I'm not prepared for each and every procedure, this practice will automatically do them without asking and without assuming I need time to think. This week, I learned about erythromycin and the Hep B vaccine at birth, I read about actively managed placenta delivery and prophylactic pitocin, and I learned that I will probably be expected to get a tdap vaccine while pregnant. I have time to research and decide about these things, but it makes me wonder how many procedures and practices I won't know about ahead of time that I'll have to deal with in the moment, since I feel like I kind of accidentally stumbled upon some of the stuff I learned this week and could easily have missed it. In the moment, my aversion to conflict always wins out, and I can see myself consenting to something that feels very bad to me. This will be my journey of growth as a mother, I guess. Because now my aversion to conflict could impact not only myself, but also my child who relies on me for care and protection.

So there is fear there, and also disappointment. I think birth and bonding should be a sacred experience, not a moment where I have to be hypervigilant and have to spend hours on the internet researching what will happen to me and my baby in the hospital so I can be ready to guard against it when I should be surrendering to the process unfolding in my body. I really want to birth in the hospital. I just wish the approach were different.
 
#22 ·
I hear you. But you do not have to get those vaccines if you don't want to, and they really won't bat an eye (or at least, not in my experience.) I do get the pertussis one because it means I don't have to have the baby get one of those shots. But the Hep B I don't do. It's a disease my babies are not at risk for. We'll think about it again when they are older, like maybe 11.

I don't have time to write more than that right now, and that stinks because this is a good topic.
 
#23 ·
You are exactly right, Indiana. Knowing what a seriously medicalized birth I'm getting into ahead of time this time, and having BTDT 3 times before, I'm pretty well aware of most of the things that they'll try to do to the baby. Like bathing baby without me- which happened last time, even though I asked for it not to happen. Like the Vitamin K shot, which they talked me into last time because I didn't have time/resources to look it up again. But I will have time to ask about and look up all the drugs and procedures that are to be planned as far as the c-section goes. And that's new. I've never had a second thought about any of that, because they've all been unplanned.

A few things they'll want to do to your baby that you need to be aware about ahead so you can decide what to do include not only erythromycin in the eyes (which is really ridiculous, IMO, if you aren't at risk), and vitamin K shot, which I remember being really horrendous with my last kid- I cried. It was a heel prick, and I guess they tested him, and they took a bunch of blood & had to prick him multiple times. My mom (of all people) convinced me to let them do it. :( And the bath- which they'll try to do very soon after birth, and without you (in my experience). Also, they'll want to test baby's hearing- which is completely non-invasive & easy-peasy, and should be done- but can almost certainly be done IN ROOM, rather than taking baby anywhere for it. The machine (called an ABR) is portable. You just have to have quiet. Baby CAN be nursing, too, while it's being done, but it's best if he's asleep. Feel free to tell them, if they argue, that an Audiologist you know said so. And all the vaccines- which are your choice (unless you live in NY, I hear), and can easily be delayed until the first office visit if you need time- just tell them you'd rather your own ped do it in the office. Or just skip them altogether, as we do. Babies seldom are truly at risk for that stuff.

Really, what I'm afraid of is that I'll be incapacitated & powerless to stop some of this stuff from happening. Especially since I really will be literally incapacitated, paralyzed from the waist down, and unable to pick up my child & walk out, or follow him to wherever & guard him. With my last son, when he was born, as the OB handed him to the ped, he "jokingly" said, "now, we're going to circumcise him, right?" Which I'm sure he thought was funny, since he & I had had a lively discussion (during an office visit month prior) about circumcision & how much I'm opposed to it. But, while I was lying strapped to a table, naked, with my guts literally pulled out of my body, completely incapable of ... much beyond breathing, it was NOT funny. And actually, just having written that story here, I never realized exactly what was happening there. That doctor (this is the one I think botched my scar for spite) had no respect for the position I was in- and clearly no respect for the amount of power he wielded over me at the time, and how that should have effected the attitude he took when speaking to/about me and my baby. I'm sorry to have rambled a bit here. Actually, I think I'm going to log off & write him a letter, because it occurs to me that he needs to know. It is important for his current & future patients that he gain that respect.
 
#24 · (Edited)
So, my most recent meeting with my doula didn't really do anything to help. We met to write my birth plan this weekend (well, I thought that's what we were doing - she thought I would already have it written, which led to a kind of unorganized conversation), and I shared my concerns about being respected, trusted, and given time to think/feel if my birth process ever needed to deviate from its natural course. I also shared concerns about having trouble staying open and vulnerable and relaxed if people are coming in without knocking all the time. My question was whether or not I could ask the nurses and attendants to knock before entering.

But those questions led her to ask me if I'm sure I don't want a home birth, which was incredibly unhelpful. I don't want a home birth. I've thought about it a million times, and I always come back to wanting to go to the hospital. I have deep concerns about hospital birth, but I thought the point of that conversation was to help me address and plan for those. And prepare for the things that I won't be able to change. At the end of that conversation, I felt like she was saying everything but, "You're not going to get the birth you want in a hospital." It was incredibly demoralizing. I know women who have had a successful and healthy natural birth in that hospital with these same doctors, and these aren't militant women who are arguing at every turn with the nurses and doctors to get what they want.

But it still made me feel less comfortable about what's coming. It made me feel like I don't have any good options.

There is an L&D nurse at our hospital who also works part-time at the same place where I work. I might try to get together with her and ask about the hospital culture and try to get a sense of what to expect from the nursing staff. I might ask her if certain requests (knock before entering, ask/tell me before you do things, don't shove stuff into my vagina without pausing to let me breathe and open up, etc.) would be respected. Hell, there's a chance she might even BE my nurse, and how many women get to have a conversation ahead of time with their nursing staff??
 
#25 ·
There is an L&D nurse at our hospital who also works part-time at the same place where I work. I might try to get together with her and ask about the hospital culture and try to get a sense of what to expect from the nursing staff. I might ask her if certain requests (knock before entering, ask/tell me before you do things, don't shove stuff into my vagina without pausing to let me breathe and open up, etc.) would be respected. Hell, there's a chance she might even BE my nurse, and how many women get to have a conversation ahead of time with their nursing staff??
THAT is a fabulous idea. IME L&D nurses are wonderful. I loved mine. I thought the staff at my hospital birth was top notch, and it was unexpected. Your doula was out of line, or maybe she has just got some predetermined ideas.
 
#26 ·
I'm sure she only suggested it because we've never actually talked about home birth and it might have (wrongly) occurred to her that I hadn't ever considered it as a viable option. I think she heard my concerns as fear of the hospital as opposed to trying to prepare for it. She has attended natural births in this hospital before, so she knows it's possible - and she actually really likes our hospital and has always had positive experiences with the staff.

It still wasn't helpful to hear though, even if she didn't mean it the way I heard it. But that's not her fault - I have my own inner work to do.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top