Originally Posted by invierna
, good for your cousin! lucky babykins has two amazing mothers.
awhile back you said you were open to questions, so I'm going to feel empowered to ask (but won't be offended if at any point you let me know IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS
)...my most burning curiosity is how you are framing this within the family context...what are you telling your kids, what will you tell babykins, what about aunts & uncles and grandparents? Obviously, you're not being secretive, and it's early yet, but there must be some interesting subtleties you and your cousin have discussed.
I have a huge extended family, with a few shady spots in our collective history having to with paternity/maternity questions...things my close cousins and I have surmised about from time to time but never gotten a real handle on, so I suppose that's where my fascination originates.
well, my kids are 12, 10 and 6. we've talked to them about how babies are made since they were small.. in fact, the older two attended each of their sibling's home births. they are very familiar with how babies get OUT, lol. we've also told them about eggs and sperm, and how they come together to make a baby, etc. so after we received our first positive home pregnancy test, we decided tell the kids about the general situation.. about how cousin really wants a baby, and has tried a bunch of times, but she just can't carry her own. and that i want to help by carrying her baby, and that it might, or might not work. they had never heard of surrogacy before, so that part was new, but we do have friends who have had to adopt, etc because they couldn't carry their own babies, so it wasn't a completely strange concept to them. my youngest, 6 yrs old, probably had the hardest time wrapping her head around it, but understood that cousin's egg + her hubby's sperm = cousin's baby. and not even a little bit ours. which is really important, i didn't want any of my kids to even have a tiny thought that maybe this would be a sibling that we'd be giving up, etc.
after we had our first ultrasound confirming our heart beat, the docs said our chances of success was about 95%, so we went ahead and told our kids "hey, it worked!!". the kids were thrilled. they love babies, and they are so proud to be "big cousins" this time, instead of big brother/sisters. they are very happy that our family can help our cousin's family. we wanted to tell them early, so that they would have 7+ months to really get used to the whole idea before the birth. i've talked to my doula about this extensively, and she recommends NOT having my kids attend this birth, as it's a real bonding event, and it will be very emotional to see me handing the baby over, etc. so the first time my kids meet the baby, it will already be in cousin's arms. we always, always refer to the baby as cousin's baby (or baby LJ, since the mother is L and the father is J).
i do worry a bit that my kids will be sad after the baby goes home (they live 9 hours away), we are all bound to love this baby, no matter what, and of course we will all feel a special connection to him/her. so we are all going to try to make the transition as smoothly as possible. my doula has been a big part of this plan, and she is willing to be with us as much as we need her after the birth.
as for extended family, we have a huge family on my cousin's side... they all live on this small island in northern ontario, and they all know that she has been trying to have a baby for a long time. since she has had so many losses, she didn't want to tell anyone at all until we were pretty sure that this plan was going to work. so she waited until after the heart beat ultrasound, and she told the family herself. they were all pretty happy and supportive (except her MIL, who is thankfully not related to me!!). but my cousin and i decided at the beginning that the rest of the world is just going to think whatever they want to think, and we are just not going to care... if they are negative, then they do not need to be a part of the process. i am glad that i live so far away, so i don't need to deal with any negativity. on my side, i think my mother had the biggest problem with the idea, but she's not a big babies/children kind of person, and just didn't understand why i would want to do this at all. she's sort of come around now.
as for the babykins, we are all just going to be very honest to him/her from the start. he/she will know that my cousins are the genetic parents, and that i just carried him/her. i'll be happy to answer any/all questions that he/she might have as they grow up. most of all, i want this baby to know just how very wanted and loved they are, and that he/she has amazing parents and i am very fortunate to play a role in their journey.