Hated-Husband Syndrome - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-21-2014, 05:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hated-Husband Syndrome

Anyone else finding their DH kinda hard to get along with? I sure am. And the tension that is beginning to mount is not fun to cope with. His mistakes (like not being mindful of food age or quality before frying it up for the family for dinner...or leaving the toddler asleep in the car on a hot day and turning the damn a/c off to save gas only to have the toddler wake up sweating and crying) are getting on my last nerve and when I try to tell him to learn from his mistakes, do better, change habits...etc, he cannot handle it. He gets totally angry with me, blames me, doesn't even let me talk about how he messed up and needs to not repeat that behavior.

I know we all make mistakes and are not perfect, but man og man, I cannot let his mistakes go without a word from me. And he hates it.

So tonight, he asked if he could use the red sauce in the fridge that was already opened. I said I thought it was fine. He used it then in the middle of dinner, I recalled that it was 5 days old, not 4 like I'd thought. I got nervous about that and he starts getting all defensive, saying I cannot blame him since I made the call. I asked if he checked it for mold or anything before cheating it up and he said no, but it isn't his fault since I said it was okay. We are now not speaking since I let him know that even if I think something is okay, he should ALWAYS check it himself. Duh. But he wouldn't let me say that. I asked why he was acting all victimy and HE stormed out. Ugh. Why can't wee just get along??!! Sorry, but thanks for letting me vent.

Wife to my Sweetness and Light, DH (03), WAHM to DS('01), DS('11), and DS('13). Encouraging mothers everywhere to write for their lives. Expecting our fourth and final baby( It's a GIRL!!!) in January 2015.
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Old 07-21-2014, 10:10 PM
 
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I've definitely got the "don't touch me" thing going on & every silly innuendo that used to make me laugh sets my teeth on edge!

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Old 07-21-2014, 10:58 PM
 
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I am feeling the exact same way! My SO seems to have a problem not cleaning up after himself. He's been like this for as long as I can remember but it seems to be really getting on my nerves lately. He leaves his garbage all over the counter but the garbage is not even two feet away. He has a specific laundry basket right beside his desk for his dirty socks and still manages to leave them on the floor. I can't keep my cool around him when I've had to repeat myself over and over. I feel like his mother.

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Old 07-21-2014, 11:50 PM
 
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I have a love/hate relationship right now. I feel easily annoyed, but I just want to be held and kissed and cuddled. I want him to just be physically near me so I can lean on him or rest my head on his chest or shoulder. But if he dares to complain then so help me! Good times, good times.


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Old 07-22-2014, 12:04 AM
 
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Yep, there too (but I'm not pregnant... Although I'd love to lol.) I feel like my husband is constantly absent-minded and it irritates me deeply. Not only does it affect our daily life (he loses a lot of stuff, forgets his keys, etc,) but it also affects the way he deals with things. He constantly needs noise and distraction 'to shut his brain down'... What does that even mean? You can't live with your own thoughts?! I try to be patient and compassionate (he is much older, has been to war, prison, those kind of places where you see horrible things...), but man it's hard...

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Old 07-22-2014, 12:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, DH and I had a long talk tonight and I wanted to share because I thought it might help, but also to pose a question to you all. So we both are in conflict with where the other is coming from and have decided that we need to be more patient and kind-toned when we say something negative to the other. Also, we realized that we've been commanding each other instead of asking nicely when we want the other too do something--mainly that is me. I can sometimes sound cold, curt, & bossy even when I'm not pregnant, because I am kinda the boss around here and forget to be kind or humble when I want DH to do stuff.

Guilty! But when I'm pregnant, it gets worse and more frequent because I have so little patience. I apologized to him tonight, but the fact that I am a hormonal tornado never entered the conversation. I almost brought up that he should also be more understanding of the uncontrollable aspects of the equation. Just a month ago, everything was peachy and DH said, "Uh-oh. Soon you are going to hate me and think everything I do is crap. I really love that stage of pregnancy." LOL. SO he does know it's hormonal deep down, but seems to forget when sh*t hits the fan.

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Old 07-22-2014, 12:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So my question is, is it better to bring up the hormonal bit and try to gain some understanding, or is that asking for trouble and full blame, as in it is all the fault of my hormones and not DH's many and varied mistakes? Which is a better course? I chose not to say anything to night about pregnancy related irritation because I don't want to become his scapegoat.

Wife to my Sweetness and Light, DH (03), WAHM to DS('01), DS('11), and DS('13). Encouraging mothers everywhere to write for their lives. Expecting our fourth and final baby( It's a GIRL!!!) in January 2015.
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Old 07-22-2014, 05:58 AM
 
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I really think that in a healthy relationship, it doesn't really matter who's in the wrong and who isn't (as far as little things, you know). It's so much better to be humble like you said, but man oh man is that hard lol. I'm happy you made peace. 'Til next time, haha!

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Old 07-22-2014, 01:11 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by writermama12 View Post
So my question is, is it better to bring up the hormonal bit and try to gain some understanding, or is that asking for trouble and full blame, as in it is all the fault of my hormones and not DH's many and varied mistakes? Which is a better course? I chose not to say anything to night about pregnancy related irritation because I don't want to become his scapegoat.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaxy View Post
I really think that in a healthy relationship, it doesn't really matter who's in the wrong and who isn't (as far as little things, you know). It's so much better to be humble like you said, but man oh man is that hard lol. I'm happy you made peace. 'Til next time, haha!
I agree with Jaxy 100%. I'm so glad to hear that you & DH were able to talk calmly & admit to any habits that weren't good. Communication is so key to a healthy relationship. As for your question, I suppose it depends. Do you truly feel it would become the scapegoat for every little thing? If so, maybe not. But if you have good communication maybe you could say something like, *sometimes* (stressing this word heavily) hormones play a part in how I react. Stress that these things bother you regardless, but the hormones might make you react stronger than you usually would. Does that make sense?

I have to admit, as I've gotten older I've become more and more honest. Not in a brutal, rude way. Always with kindness & consideration. I very, very rarely speak before I think (this took a lot of time to learn). Which gives me the ability to do so kindly and rationally. So, yes, I would have this conversation with my DH. But I feel safe that I would not have negative ramifications. I also find that sometimes writing my feelings down is an easier way to start a discussion. I take the time to say everything I want to say, kindly, and without interruption. And then he reads it & we discuss from there.

Hope some of that helps!

OH! Last thing - so many people think negatively of this option, but truly, therapy can help if you find you are having trouble communicating. A good therapist will not take sides, can explain to each of you how/why you are misinterpreting each other, and can give help for improving communications.

Loving mama to Aden (8/5/2010) and DSD (15).
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Old 07-22-2014, 01:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your thoughtful response! Definitely gives me good ideas about how to handle this situation.

Wife to my Sweetness and Light, DH (03), WAHM to DS('01), DS('11), and DS('13). Encouraging mothers everywhere to write for their lives. Expecting our fourth and final baby( It's a GIRL!!!) in January 2015.
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