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When do you plan to tell?

3K views 42 replies 25 participants last post by  chuord 
#1 ·
For a few reasons, we're waiting until we can confirm gender to tell family (though we've shared the news with a few close friends!). Unless I can convince my insurance company I need a NIPS, it looks like that'll be sometime in November? ;)

Have you told? Or how long will you wait for the reveal?
 
#3 ·
I'm telling nobody except for my sister (well, and my partner knows, lol) until I get through all of the first trimester genetic testing (Harmony Test, nuchal scan, etc.) At my age (almost 40; partner is 47) one never knows...
 
#4 ·
I've no idea. It's just me and DH's secret right now. My work is in education, so work don't need to know until at least three more weeks from now because that's when I go back. My first pregnancy we told everyone before the pee-stick was even dry, second time we didn't until after I'd miscarried, and this time who knows?! Id like to wait until 12 weeks- but I think il be showing by then and I think my mum would be a little put out that she wasn't told earlier...
 
#5 ·
I haven't really known what to do about this! I've told two of my closest mama friends, who've been the biggest influences on my ideas about childbearing and parenting. I think I'll tell my grad school bestie next, and we're planning on going home in a few weeks to tell family in person. As far as work goes, I don't know. I do think I want to wait until after my family knows before I start spreading the news, on the off chance that word could get back to them somehow before we have a chance to tell them ourselves! That will put us around 7 weeks. I know you're "supposed" to wait until 12, but that just seems like way too long. I figure, even if something goes wrong, at least then I'll be able to be honest with people about why I'm feeling crappy, rather than lie or offend people b/c they weren't told earlier. :) I want my support system in place.

While its kind of nice having it be a little secret right now, its also hard because I feel like I'm lying to people! They ask "what's new!" and I say "oh, not to much." When I really want to say "what's new? OH, just a new freaking human life growing inside my belly!":laugh:
 
#6 ·
They ask "what's new!" and I say "oh, not to much." When I really want to say "what's new? OH, just a new freaking human life growing inside my belly!":laugh:
I love that! I have a friend who knew/still knows I'm ttc, and she often asks for updates, usually accompanied with the question 'are you getting worried yet' (she has an enviable ability to conceive like magic) and the last time she asked id just found out, and I said 'I can't wait until I'm ready to give you happy news' so I didn't lie exactly, just skirted the question. I'm thinking I'm going to use your second answer ;)
 
#7 ·
I've already told my supervisor (we needed to be able to discuss some logistical planning, as timing will coincide with some major things for my licensure) and have scheduled an early gender u/s for 15 weeks. I wish I had a blood test option available to me earlier! I already feel show-y (ridiculous, I'm just bloated, but it's a visible difference on me right now) and my 2.5y/o DS pretty frequently discusses the 'baby in mama's tummy' so I'm anxious to be able to share the news before it slips! LOL
 
#8 ·
This is so individual, and everyone needs to approach it with what they are most comfortable with. Sometimes our experiences shape us!

For us, pretty much everyone knows through the grapevine...our children always know right away and then they have big mouths :) and because by 5 weeks I can't hide it. I'm smaller build and with having lots of children I "show" (I know it's not baby already, but my uterus is already at my pubic bone) early.

We actually don't directly tell people at all, except for the few close family members and friends, because many people we know have a negative reaction, and we don't need their negativity about what we see as a blessing.

I have had a m/c before at 8 weeks and found the support of others to be really helpful. If people hadn't known, it would have been lonely. A few years ago I had a m/c at 13.5 weeks, supposedly after the "safe" time. I figure there are never any givens or guarantees, and I appreciate the prayers.
 
#10 ·
This is so individual, and everyone needs to approach it with what they are most comfortable with. Sometimes our experiences shape us!

For us, pretty much everyone knows through the grapevine...our children always know right away and then they have big mouths :) and because by 5 weeks I can't hide it. I'm smaller build and with having lots of children I "show" (I know it's not baby already, but my uterus is already at my pubic bone) early.

We actually don't directly tell people at all, except for the few close family members and friends, because many people we know have a negative reaction, and we don't need their negativity about what we see as a blessing.

I have had a m/c before at 8 weeks and found the support of others to be really helpful. If people hadn't known, it would have been lonely. A few years ago I had a m/c at 13.5 weeks, supposedly after the "safe" time. I figure there are never any givens or guarantees, and I appreciate the prayers.
Yes and yes!! This is me too. We don't tell people either. I show really early because I am very tall and not a lot of meat on me bones!! Friends and family will eventually ask and I'll confirm. Although, most won't be happy except my kids of course.
 
#9 ·
I'm a totally mixed bag and have the added layer of complication in explaining my unusual family set up when I announce (I've conceived on my own with a donor).
I've been telling some people. Waiting on others. I've told my bosses at work. We'll see. I always thought when I finally got a BFP I'd tell the world but it's different now it's here and it's kind of a shame.
 
#11 ·
So far, only DH and my BFF know. My BFF is 10 weeks pregnant with her third, so it's wonderful to be able to talk to her about pregmancy. I want to tell DD next week when we go camping, but DH wants to wait a while. We are working on finding a compromise we are both comfortable with.
 
#14 ·
Kids know :) And they are trying to keep it a secret. We will only tell our families around 13 or 14 weeks. My mom is so worried about me after my miscarriages, I want to spare her some worry. They live on another continent so they won't figure it out before we tell them.
 
#15 ·
This one's hard for me. I'm so happy and excited I want to shout it from the roof! But I'm anxious with only being three weeks after just having an early mc, even though I've got a feeling this bun is sticking around. :)

My immediate family, especially my mom will not be happy. I'm dreading telling her. I'm having a hard time not telling my kids though! They will be so excited, they've wanted a new baby for a while now. There's an episode of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood where his mom is having a baby that shows on Monday so I was thinking of waiting until after that so they will really have a good grasp on what it means. Nothing like planning life around a tv schedule haha!

How have you mamas handled negativity from family about pregnancy in the past?
 
#30 ·
My immediate family, especially my mom will not be happy. I'm dreading telling her.
How have you mamas handled negativity from family about pregnancy in the past?
Ohhh I'm so sorry about your mom. My mom's an annoying idiot, but she was excited. Dh's parents, on the other hand, pretty much have always hated me, have treated my 2 kids from previous marriages like pariahs when we visit, have taken zero interest in them whatsoever in the 12 years we've been married, blame them for everything that goes wrong when we visit, talk bad about all of us behind our backs, etc. Last summer MIL said something so horrible, we had all but severed contact with them. Dh told them last week, their initial reaction was just to the negative side of neutral, and DH was devastated. It's pretty much sucked all the joy of announcements out of him, and that sucks, and I'm pissed as hell at MIL. But rather than let it lie, they then called back and said they wanted to reconcile and "get past" what happened last summer so they can be in this baby's life. I'm thinking, too little too late, I'm not going to let you start pretending to like my other two kids now to get close to this one, but we'll have to see.

I really hope your mom comes around. Until/unless she does, don't let it spoil your joy in this pregnancy, please. I'm happy for you and I bet lots of other people on her are also, and I'm sure we'll all know each other better and be rooting for each other even more in another few months, so just come here and we'll be joyful with you, okay??
 
#16 ·
Well I am doing this as a single mother by choice, so the nice thing is I get to decide who knows. I have about a dozen friends who are super supportive and have been getting my updates (I have had 8 iui's). I had a miscarriage just before 6w on my second try and it was a relief to be able to share that and have support, and rooting to try again (it wasn't in my perfect gameplan that a miscarriage could even happen). Everyone is super excited with this bfp, and they understand my caution but are still excited.

Now, I haven't told family or anyone at work. Family is just going to be a melodrama that I don't need (I hardly need to console others while I'm feeling crappy should a miscarriage happen), and at work, I just don't consider them anything more than professional acquaintances. So once I'm probably at 20 week I will tell family, and I will tell work once I see eyeballs shooting to my belly hah.
 
#17 ·
I also find it hard to keep quiet about it since it is always on my mind, but we will probably wait about a month to tell family and work, though I will likely tell one or two close friends soon.

Our situation is a little complicated - we are working in Uganda and my family is going to freak out about our health and safety, especially when we tell them we plan to have the baby here. So we want to at least decide on who our care provider will be and make a few big decisions before we get a lot of questions and anxiety from them. I can't wait too long cuz I'll need them to mail my maternity clothes! I gave away most of them before we moved to Uganda but thankfully kept a few of my favorites.

For work, we are on a multiiyear contract where we travel a lot, so it's not work that is conducive to a new baby. We are trying to decide if we want to finish our contract, or just have my husband continue, or what...so we want to think through a little of that before we approach work. Our supervisors have two grown adopted children and were not able to have biological children, so i am a little concerned to tell them. We want them to know it was not planned because it wouldn't have been very responsible for us to plan for a baby with our current job, but I know it can be painful for people who have dealt with infertility to hear about people who get pregnant without even trying.

tm0sweet - sorry to hear your family will be negative, that's really hard! Can you make it clear that you are excited about the baby and if they don't have anything positive to say then you won't be discussing it with them? I know, easier said than done!
 
#18 ·
We've already started telling people (I'll be 8 weeks Friday). We told parents right away, just like last time, but extended family found out at a big wedding on hubby's side last week when I spent five days NOT drinking prosecco and wine with everyone else! Plus, we wanted to give DS as much time as possible to adjust, so he already will point to my stomach and say "My baby brother sister in there!" There's no way HE would keep the secret very long.
 
#19 ·
My partner and my best friend/her husband are the only ones who know in real life right now. I have a community of online friends that know, as well.

Planning on telling my partner's mother next weekend, I think. The kids when it is a little more obvious I'm showing. His kids are 9 and 7, mine is 3. This is our first together. We have dropped a few hints to the kids, but they haven't caught on yet. We'll have a sit-down about it in a few weeks I think. (Only 5 weeks at the moment, but I'm already very bloaty.)
 
#20 ·
I'm (we're) really debating on when to start telling everyone. This was a complete surprise for us so, to be honest, it's still sinking in for us. Part of me wants to go ahead and tell our family and close friends to have the additional support as we warm up to this idea, but the other part of me wants to wait a month or two until I'm farther along.
I'm not really worried about friends keeping it a secret until we make it public, but our parents are going to be ecstatic (this will be grandbaby #1 for my parents and #9 for his parents) and I know they will struggle not to tell the world.

Right now my best friend and her husband know (I had to call someone when that second pink line showed up and I freaked out haha). My sister and husband's birthdays are next week and we could easily incorporate an announcement into those events. I'll be 6 weeks but that still feels so early. But I'm also not sure if I can wait much longer as I know they will all be thrilled, particularly my sister as she's been begging us to make her an aunt. I feel like it'd be the ultimate birthday gift for her haha.

So anyways, there is my debate haha.
 
#21 ·
Decided I can't hold off too long... My bloat is making me look at least 4 months along. Told the kids on Sunday and try are very excited! Told my grandma and she was just shocked but mustered up some happiness (mostly because she hopes it will be a girl).

My stomach I literally in knots over telling my mother. She can be so mean and judgmental. She was never happy being a mother so she projects that on me, but she loves her grand babies and chooses to spend at least 1 day a week with us. I'm seriously considering just telling her via phone even though I will see her tomorrow... Would that be too rude?
 
#25 ·
Would that be too rude?
Not at all. The longer I live the less I care about what works for other people. If you'd rather not listen to your mom's opinion or see her facial expression in person when you break the news, then you don't have to.
 
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#22 ·
I haven't been through this before - so no helpful advice here... Hugs to the several of you that will have to out up with other people's opinions - I think that's rude, they should understand that it's not their life and just be grateful these children are loved.
This is one aspect that the infertility road makes easier, everyone will be really happy for us. Not that I plan to tell 'everyone' soon. My parents, sister and natural therapist have lived through the needles, the procedures and the hormonally crazy lady lol so they found out on the first beta - there are a couple of friends who've shared the journey IRL but I'll wait till at least after the scan. The rest meh lol maybe sometime in the second trimester? I'm blessed to have several really good friends on here that have shared the journey, it's a wonderful place for support 😃
 
#23 · (Edited)
Good question. I told my BFF as soon as I found out. She and her daughter were already spending a few days with us for my birthday. I even got a BFP on my birthday, so this has been a very good week for me. I FB messaged a couple of good friends who knew we were TTC. That's all who know so far. I don't know how long I'll wait to tell my family. I might save it until Thanksgiving because I won't see them before then. My husband doesn't want to tell his family at all, he wants to see how long it takes them to guess. I don't know why, but ok. Lol.
 
#27 ·
@tm0sweet that's great! I'm happy for you that your parents' reaction was better than you expected.

I told my parents today, too. I live in Illinois and they live in Virginia so I told them over the phone. My mom basically said, "Why would you do that to yourself? You have two half-raised." But my dad was super excited and kept congratulating us. It went just like I had figured. :wink:
 
#28 ·
Well we finally told the families this weekend! It all went about as expected. My family was excited but subdued (they're not the emotional types). I think my mom was surprised because, as she said, she had "kind of given up hope." :) I guess she assumed I didn't want kids since I waited a little while and haven't really been settled down most of my life! My brother's super excited to be an uncle! My nana wasn't all that excited and was a little negative about it, but thats the way she is about everything, so no surprise there.

My partner's family, however, had the reaction I was craving -- there were lots of tears and hugs and emotional outpourings! His 88 year old nana was speechless (she's been asking about kids since we got together!). His mom and sister were already talking about planning a baby shower! :) His mom seemed a little freaked out about our homebirth plans, but really supportive nonetheless after we explained it more.

It feels so good to have support in all its different forms, and to not have to keep it a secret anymore!
 
#29 ·
When we first got pregnant, we told just a couple close friends and then miscarried at 4w5d. With second we waited a *little* longer, told a few more friends, then miscarried at 5w (day after we told friends). This time we waited until 8 weeks, and after first OB appt. where she had us have an u/s to confirm pregnancy and heartbeat since we'd had 2 miscarriages in 6 previous months. Once we saw that heartbeat, we felt okay to start sharing. So really we just started telling 6 days ago ;-)

With my first two kids, I waited until 2nd trimester with both, but that was years ago, so we just did what we wanted to do this time, and what we wanted to do was Not Wait!
 
#31 ·
Told my sister immediately and will tell my dad and step-dad this weekend at 6 weeks. I am dying to tell EVERYONE on the planet since it's constantly on my mind, but will wait until probably 8 weeks for close friends. DH's family and my extended family will probably learn the news at 13 weeks.
 
#32 ·
I've already told an assortment of people: DH, my mom, two dentists (one I went to and one I consulted), my therapist, my 'healing lady,' three friends, sister in law and a coworker.

It's still not 'public' knowledge though ... I think I'll wait a good deal longer before it will be.
 
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