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Keeping it a secret?

1K views 36 replies 15 participants last post by  Metasequoia 
#1 ·
This is making me so nervous! When I initially tested positive I thought I would have no trouble hiding my pregnancy over the holidays (the time we are with family is 7+4 to 9+1 wks) but now I highly doubt it. My mom called me out in my previous two pregnancies at like 7-8 wks though it was more expected that I would be having more babies at that time...

The main reason I don't want to tell yet is not because I'm concerned about loss etc. but because some of our family members are jerks and will be less than happy for us, judgmental, rude. I know I should just let that roll of of me especially since WE are happy, but I don't want it to put a damper on the holidays or leave me with a bad feeling.

Add to that the fact that I am INSANELY nauseous and low energy this time (super unusual for me) and that my belly has already started bloating/changing (I can't wear probably 75% of my pants, thank God for leggings) and I usually wear pretty figure-hugging clothes, I am freaked out!

Any ideas, stories to share? Can I just lie to peoples' face if they ask? The person I'm worried about most is my mom since her feelings will be hurt that I didn't tell sooner, but if I wasn't afraid of her reaction I would! Ugh.
 
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#2 ·
Lie. Absolutely lie to their faces. It's okay if you're not ready to share.

I've lied a thousand times already and I feel bad about lying to my kids.

Last night I had a dream my mom asked me and she was SO happy. I think I have some anxiety about telling her and hearing her response. She's going to Florida with my sister 2 days after Christmas and not coming back until April so I could just not say anything until spring. I don't think the kids could keep it quiet though.

I've only been able to wear leggings for 2 weeks already. I don't even think it's my belly but that my hips have already spread. Isn't that nuts? My hips and sacrum were REALLY sore yesterday and I think that's why. Not that my belly doesn't look like it's housing a 5 month fetus already...
 
#3 ·
This is making me so nervous! When I initially tested positive I thought I would have no trouble hiding my pregnancy over the holidays (the time we are with family is 7+4 to 9+1 wks) but now I highly doubt it. My mom called me out in my previous two pregnancies at like 7-8 wks though it was more expected that I would be having more babies at that time...

The main reason I don't want to tell yet is not because I'm concerned about loss etc. but because some of our family members are jerks and will be less than happy for us, judgmental, rude. I know I should just let that roll of of me especially since WE are happy, but I don't want it to put a damper on the holidays or leave me with a bad feeling.

Add to that the fact that I am INSANELY nauseous and low energy this time (super unusual for me) and that my belly has already started bloating/changing (I can't wear probably 75% of my pants, thank God for leggings) and I usually wear pretty figure-hugging clothes, I am freaked out!

Any ideas, stories to share? Can I just lie to peoples' face if they ask? The person I'm worried about most is my mom since her feelings will be hurt that I didn't tell sooner, but if I wasn't afraid of her reaction I would! Ugh.
I would tell your mom in private and in secret and then make up a virus or something for the others...
 
#4 ·
I'm a detail person and very frequently notice people are pregnant before they announce so maybe I can help! This might get kinda long though...

I second telling your mom, maybe soon so she can calm down before the holidays since you worry about her reaction. I had to do that with my first.
Is there anything else you can blame the exhaustion on? If you can say something even partially true, it'll work better and probably make you feel better. A good excuse for exhaustion might explain away any other symptoms. Luckily (well, unluckily) my son had crazy sleep problems the past few weeks from learning to walk. I've been able to blame all my symptoms on that without lying. My mom said the other day that I looked sick. I told her I was super tired from being up with the baby. She bought it. Because it was true, just not the whole truth. I'm confident my behavior hasn't clued in anyone yet. Also, people will rarely notice what or how much you put on your plate or eat. If you can handle holding food, get a plate, sit with the people eating, and dump it later. The times I'm most sure of an unannounced pregnancy is when the mama tries to excuse away not eating. It's just too obvious.
As for clothes, I've never been clued in by some one wearing clothes that aren't really their style. So unless they'll be seeing the big band at the top of your maternity jeans, I wouldn't worry much about that part :smile: If you think your family will notice that though, go dressier and claim you wanted to look nice for the holiday? Or say leggings are easier to pack because they don't wrinkle?

Also, if someone called me out in front of people, I think I'd say "You cant ask someone that!" in an appalled tone. I mean, it's not polite to ask. Maybe they'll learn from that.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
 
#5 ·
I am not good at lying, but I was able to answer the question asked without lying.

Do you have news to share? Nope. (Because I wasn't ready to share it)

What's going on with getting pregnant? We're working on it.

Are congratulations in order? Um... not that I'm aware of.

Most people won't come straight out and say, are you pregnant? If so, you can just say: What kind of question is that? Or Are you?
 
#6 ·
Lie. It's not their question to ask. I think of my womb as part of the bedroom... anything fun happen last night for you two? Nooo. Nope. We watched tv too late and went straight to sleep. Nothing to see here.
 
#9 ·
Over several pregnancies (that were losses) I would respond to any comment from family/friends with "please don't hint around. When I have happy news, I'll share it." I figure that is not dishonest because whether or not I have happy news to share depends on ME and the timing I choose, not my pregnancy test.


I forgot to say that this time and just made random excuses. But all is well now at 12 weeks so no problem.
 
#10 ·
My MIL asked me Friday, "Are you pregnant?"
I honestly said, "Oh ya, we're going to have it on Christmas. Oh by the way, I have gained 7 lbs, just 16 more to go before I weigh enough to where the Dr wants me before I try to get pregnant! I guess I'll just eat good on Christmas and take it from there!"

I'll be 10 weeks Christmas Eve, we want to wait till Valentine's Day to announce it, I'll be 17 1/2 weeks. I didn't really show with #1 till I was 7 months, I think I will be fine.
 
#13 ·
My midwife said because I'm just chesty and I have tiny babies with very little water or weight gain. I think family could tell before 7 months, but when I met hubby's grandma and aunt at the store one week and a cousin another week (we never announced it for personal reasons), they never noticed I was pregnant and I was 7 months. I only gained 15 lbs with her so it wasn't very noticeable. I think by then it was only like 10? I am not sure.

My answer to my MIL was just being sarcastic. >:D And the weight part, I am 5' tall and when I got pregnant with #1 , I weighed 113. When I got pregnant this time, I was only 92. My dr said I need to be 110-115 before I get pregnant. I'm about 94 right now. He was surprised I was able to even get pregnant this light. I was too. Let me tell you. I was too. LOL:grin:
 
#12 ·
I am also dreading telling my parents. My mom has had nothing good to say the last three times, and i fear this time will be worse. She adores the kids once they are born, but makes me feel so bad with her cold and disapproving attitude. She has also had the nerve to tell me she is hurt that I wait 3 or 4 months to tell her.....
 
#14 ·
I feel like it is incredibly rude to ask, but I also hate dishonesty and deception, and it has really hurt my feelings when close friends chose to make up random reasons why they weren't drinking (I would never ask someone if they were pregnant, so the random excuses were out of the blue). I know we are all different, and I totally respect everyone's right to share their news when they are ready, but it wouldn't hurt to consider whether lying about it might damage a relationship, especially with someone close, especially since eventually they will find out and then they will know they were lied to. I think the suggestion of being evasive is a good one, and I had one friend who made fake cocktails before gatherings so no one would ask. I knew someone else who carried around a half-empty glass of wine all night so no one would think to ask (this might only work for drinkers, but hey, it is the holidays!). We just went ahead and told all our close friends and family early (I wouldn't want to suffer through a miscarriage alone anyway if somehow it doesn't work out). I'm almost 11 weeks now, so I'm feeling pretty good about my chances, and it has been so awesome to share our joy with everyone else. I hope everyone else has a good time sharing their news (whenever it happens)!
 
#16 ·
A good friend once lied to me about being pregnant and when she was read y to share her news, she began by saying, "I'm sorry I lied to you...." and my feelings weren't hurt at all.

If my mom asked, I'd confess because I'd feel bad lying to her. But I know my friends would understand.
 
#18 ·
MrsKoehn, good luck with your plan (and hopefully you are right that the other pregnancy will distract everyone)! And Metasequoia, an apology for lying initially would have made me feel fine about it too, but without that, I just felt like we weren't as close as I thought we were, which made me want to pull back from our friendship and from confiding anything in her. But again, apologizing for the lie when you do finally share the news probably would make it better.
 
#19 ·
Hi everyone! Some lively discussion on my thread! :love

So I'm on day 9 of 11 of this family visit/holiday and so far no one has guessed! How they haven't noticed is a miracle because I am LARGE. So large that I am highly suspicious of twins, as my uterus is easily palpable a few fingers above my pubic bone already.

I will call everyone in the New Year and let them know, and I'm glad I haven't had to lie (just omit!) but I definitely would have if someone had been rude enough to ask.
 
#20 ·
Hi everyone! Some lively discussion on my thread! :love

So I'm on day 9 of 11 of this family visit/holiday and so far no one has guessed! How they haven't noticed is a miracle because I am LARGE. So large that I am highly suspicious of twins, as my uterus is easily palpable a few fingers above my pubic bone already.

I will call everyone in the New Year and let them know, and I'm glad I haven't had to lie (just omit!) but I definitely would have if someone had been rude enough to ask.
Mine is a few fingers above my pubic bone too...but I just figured it's from having multiple kids. :)

I also have a lump (I hate that word) on the left side of my pelvis, right next to my pelvic bone, kind of midway between my belly button and pubic bone. I'm wondering if it's my ovary?? It's sort of painful when I press on it and occasionally like right after I pee after having a really full bladder.
 
#21 ·
out of the closet!

I told everyone in our immediate family. It came on a dark, rainy day where I was particularly sick and I called a mayday- I needed more support! We are only 9-10 weeks but it was a relief. We suddenly have all these people around us exited for us (this was my explicit request) and it has helped lighten the mood from one of ' I can't keep anything down, cancel or dissuade all visits and generally don't return phone calls' to people understanding and celebrating us without asking for anything and understanding as I sit on the couch and do nothing. It has been a great shift for both my husband and I and a relief to explain why I have not been the usual lovely person I hope to be again some day!

Before all this, we were telling people that we were under a lot of stress from our business so just could not see them or if we did it had to be brief. There were a lot of apologies but no outright lies.

I have seen so many families have to hold their heads high as they announce a pregnancy that they know people will have their judgments about. I always think of this coming out as regal- queen like event. Hold your head high, you have a beautiful crown to showcase and they can kiss your hand for the beauty you grow and support in your family. I am sorry for anyone who has to face this and does not want to!

I had planned on waiting longer, a mere 9 weeks seems so early and it was awkward at first. I still feel like I am getting used to this and so saying it aloud to people took me a bit of getting used to. It is such an intimate thing!
 
#22 ·
I told everyone in our immediate family. It came on a dark, rainy day where I was particularly sick and I called a mayday- I needed more support! We are only 9-10 weeks but it was a relief. We suddenly have all these people around us exited for us (this was my explicit request) and it has helped lighten the mood from one of ' I can't keep anything down, cancel or dissuade all visits and generally don't return phone calls' to people understanding and celebrating us without asking for anything and understanding as I sit on the couch and do nothing. It has been a great shift for both my husband and I and a relief to explain why I have not been the usual lovely person I hope to be again some day!

Before all this, we were telling people that we were under a lot of stress from our business so just could not see them or if we did it had to be brief. There were a lot of apologies but no outright lies.

I have seen so many families have to hold their heads high as they announce a pregnancy that they know people will have their judgments about. I always think of this coming out as regal- queen like event. Hold your head high, you have a beautiful crown to showcase and they can kiss your hand for the beauty you grow and support in your family. I am sorry for anyone who has to face this and does not want to!

I had planned on waiting longer, a mere 9 weeks seems so early and it was awkward at first. I still feel like I am getting used to this and so saying it aloud to people took me a bit of getting used to. It is such an intimate thing!
Congratulations! The relief in your post is palpable. :)

What a great idea to lead into an announcement by saying something like, "We're feeling like we need the people we care about to be excited and supportive for us, therefore we've decided to tell you...." It kind of sets the tone and almost doesn't allow any negative responses.
 
#23 ·
So is anyone else still "In the closet"? I know I'm at the back of the pack at 14 1/2 weeks, but I am not planning on telling for about 3 more weeks still.
 
#24 ·
Impossible here. I told my kids last weekend and now the whole world knows. I showed my friend a couple of days ago and her jaw dropped and she asked, "HOW did you keep that hidden??!" :lol

Even under my down-filled winter coat, the belly bulges. I hope I can make it through the next 8 weeks in that coat!
 
#27 ·
I feel like my sweaters/jackets make my bump look bigger, as if that makes any sense!

I'm all out, and it's been helpful that people know why I look so terrible instead of just being really worried about me :wink:
Agreed about the sweaters! I wore a sweater a couple of times before deciding that it was having the opposite intended effect.

The friend I showed my belly to a couple of days ago told me I looked beautiful - all glowy. I figured she was just being kind. :lol
 
#26 ·
Thankfully I had my husband with strep, Ana and I got a little sick then, right into the holidays, then the little ones all got sick again, I half way got it, and now I feel fine overall. Not that everyone being sick was a good thing, but it's really helped hide the pregnancy feelings. And everyone gains a little weight at the holidays, especially when everyone knows I've been trying to gain for most of my adult life. Now as a slightly obese teen....
 
#29 ·
I just cannot even fathom how you not-first-timers are still able to hide! Are you really tall or something? Maybe it's the style of clothes I wear or something... I had to get creative with clothing choices at 8-9 weeks and now at 13.5 even the most oblivious person on earth can tell I am pregnant from a mile away. :lol Would have been nice to keep it a secret for a little longer!
 
#31 ·
I think the same thing! Although I did find a pair of regular jeans two sizes too big in a pile in my room. I tried them on and they could button, baggy everywhere else. I paired them with a hooded sweatshirt and decided most people wouldn't question if I was pregnant. The front of the sweatshirt was pulled tight across my belly though. I suppose if I wore clothes like that everyday, I could have kept it hidden. I'm 18 weeks.
 
#30 ·
I'm 5'9 so with my first baby, I could have kept it a secret for quite some time. I didn't even tell family until around 14-15 weeks. I measure behind (pubic bone to fundus) because I'm taller but I certainly can't hide it beyond 8-10 weeks anymore - even the second baby was VERY obvious by 8 weeks.
 
#34 ·
You ladies have me worried!

I am just 14 weeks today, first baby. I am showing so much I cannot hide it. Yesterday, walking into a place I frequent with my husband, I felt so vulnerable because I really cannot be hiding anymore and the place is hot- uncomfortably so, such that I have to be in a tank top- I saw everyone glance down at my really showing belly and back up at my face, process what they thought of this and move into chatting. I don't know why I don't just blurt it out! It's just that I am not really ready to have those casual conversations I guess! Until this week, really, I was thinking that my coats were hiding my growing torso but this is not true anymore. I still feel more comfortable in my coat though. I can pass for gaining weight and people don't think too much about it! It is so funny how intimate this is!

I guess I have long legs and a short torso but I am really not that short- 5'7- just protruding and round!
Anyone else have this happen with their first baby? You are are making me think that I am showing too much too early! - I am measuring right though, for what that's worth..!
 
#35 ·
Anyone else have this happen with their first baby? You are are making me think that I am showing too much too early! - I am measuring right though, for what that's worth..!

@WildRose, I'm with you! People at work started telling me I "popped" right after Christmas, when I was about 15 weeks. Maybe your body (and mine) just knows what's up and is making room. People did always joke that I have great "birthing hips," maybe this is just an advanced version of that.

I feel a little shy about it too, especially with people I don't see often. It can be somewhat awkward with work folks too, like I feel the need to explain myself every time I go to a meeting outside my agency.
 
#36 ·
ddc crash... this popped up in my notifications and was a fun read. Congrats to everyone who is having fun keeping a secret still (and congrats to those enjoying sharing the news). Someone asked how you can not tell people. I could get away with not telling people until 16 weeks if I really wanted to. Every time I am tempted and cave before hand. Its just how you carry your baby. We got to 13 weeks with our second child with no suspicion. My torso is long, even though I am not tall, and I'm already quite curvy. Plus I babywear a lot so the extra kid helps ;). However, I have to tell every waitress pretty much the first month... otherwise they get worried by the throwing up bathroom visits.
 
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