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Who to tell and when to tell them?

2K views 30 replies 17 participants last post by  Banana731 
#1 ·
Wondering how you ladies are making the decision about who to tell at this point?

For myself, at 6w3d today, we've told each of our best friends, my boss and this weekend we're telling my parents :) we will probably wait to hear the heartbeat at 10 weeks before making it public. As we've decided whether to tell, I've asked the following questions:

1. Does the safety or comfort of myself or my baby rely on this person knowing?

2. If I were to miscarry, would I turn to this person for support?

I am excited to tell my parents this weekend! We're doing our Father's Day celebration with them on Sunday and we bought each of them special kids books to read with the baby.

So, how have you decided? And how are you telling?
 
#2 ·
From experience I've learned that if we don't want the world to know, we shouldn't tell anyone until we are ready. And then we start with grandparents first, then e-mail and Facebook announcement. Our families all get jealous if they find out that someone else knew before them so it's tricky.

Also, we usually wait until after 16-21wks but this time I'd think we will tell everyone ASAP :)
 
#4 ·
This is a good question. With DS we waited to tell family until about 7-8 weeks and I told work about 13-14 weeks.

This time, I think we'll wait to tell everyone until 18-21 weeks. My mom knows because she was staying with us when I got the call from my doctor. It was hard to hide the shock on my face when I got the news. She knew something was up and came right out and asked.

I'm curious how DS will react when we tell him. He's been a one-and-only for almost 9 years.

@Crimson8 Love the idea of giving books to grandparents to read to new little one! Cute idea! I also love your questions. Very thoughtful and something to keep in mind.
 
#5 ·
Another big question to decide when to tell is whether you are getting any genetic testing done, and how the results would potentially affect your pregnancy outcome.

Las time we told families after the ultrasound part of the nuchal traslucency testing, friends after the genetic analysis part of that. The world and Facebook waited till I told my manager, which due to missing each other in person in our scheduled meetings happened around 20 weeks, which was ridiculously long. Before that the only other person who knew was my BFF.

We're planning on doing the same in general lines, though I have told two people in my old DDC and might spill the beans to them soon, not sure. If we decide to do the nuchal translucency testing this time, we'll start telling after - family first, then everyone else.
 
#6 ·
I've told some online friends. I also told my friend who is a midwife. Sadly, she lives too far away to be reasonable for prenatal visits, but she was able to recommend someone closer to me. Haven't contacted her yet.

We want our daughter to be the first close-to-us person to know and we're waiting until after the first trimester. She'll handle telling everyone else.
 
#7 ·
We have our first u/s on 6/26. We'll be telling DD (16) then. Otherwise, no one else until 12 weeks. We'll be fudging the due date to keep people from bugging us if we go over, we aren't finding out the gender, and we aren't sharing names with anyone. We also won't be telling anyone about our plans to HBAC. I feel extremely protective of our little growing family, and want to minimize the judgmental opinions of others.
 
#8 ·
Hi @Crimson8 ! I remember you from the TTC thread! I guess I'm at 4wks2d so, while I know it is super early, I figure there's absolutely no way I'm waiting for any substantial amount of time, so why wait at all? I've already told my DH's best friend (also my very good friend and a total loudmouth like me) as well as my sister and one of my good girlfriends who knew I was trying (she's trying for #3 as well and will hopefully be right behind me)...And that's only since last Saturday! :eek: I'll probably tell my parents this weekend.

Also, I'm going to Oregon in July for 19 days of wedding partying with dear friends. There will be booze. There is no way I'm getting out of refusing a gin and tonic without raising some eyebrows. :wink Gin and tonics will be offered (sigh) so I know I'll be telling all of those people. Plus, those are friends I only get to see every couple of years so it will be (probably) the only time I'm pregnant in their presence! So, yeah, pretty much telling everybody way too early.

My good friend told people (friends and family, not a PA or anything) immediately and has miscarried both times. Each time she's miscarried, she sends an email to all of us telling us the news. I don't think she will do it differently next time she is pregnant, because the support she has received has been really helpful for her. We've had conversations about the fact that miscarriage is so common and yet it doesn't get widely talked about. Even if I were to miscarry, I want close friends and family

That said, I won't be doing any FB announcements or pregnancy announcements in the mail - if I were I would certainly hold off for something like 20-25 weeks. But DH and I can't even get around to actually getting married, let alone coordinating a photographer. It makes me laugh just thinking of DH in his Sunday best gearing up for a photo shoot! :rotflmao
 
#9 ·
@peebs hey and congrats!! That's so exciting.

I'm also a huge beer afficionado and I'm sure my family is on to me, since I usually bring a six-pack around with me!

I don't think there's anything that's 'too soon' and I think that's a great point about the amount of support you get whe you tell everyone upfront. One thing I have been mulling over is the stigma that exists around miscarriage (this article was interesting:http://www.npr.org/sections/health-...sconceptions-about-miscarriage-and-that-hurts) and I feel that if I do miscarry, though it may be difficult I would like to share my experience with my little community, remove the 'shroud of silence', so to speak.

Largely, though, my reticence to tell many people is that once you tell someone you also get their opinions :) But if you're excited and want to tell then why not!?
 
#10 ·
@Crimson8 that is a very good point about getting people's opinions, whether requested or not! And thanks for the npr article - so true.

I was so close to telling my mom yesterday, but as I said in another thread, I'm suddenly getting a little nervous about it. She tends to speak her mind without thinking (the worst combination) so she'll tell you her "opinion" even when it hasn't really been all that thought out. I'm worried she'll say something about our lack of financial stability or time. Both would be true but so not what I need to hear right now from my mother! That said, she does, on occasion, surprise me...

But I don't know how anyone keeps it under wraps for twelve weeks. It is such a weird and amazing process, it's all I can think about. I went out last night and bought 6 more tests at the dollar store - as far as I'm concerned, 8 bucks is cheap for the amount of enjoyment I'm going to get from watching that second line appear. It's like magic! I laid the tests out to pay and the woman behind the counter said, "Oh!" and then just, "Why?" I smiled sheepishly and said, "I just want to be sure!" :eek:
 
#11 ·
Update, just told my mom via text. She did a good job - didn't say one judge-y thing, just said Congratulations with a smiley face and then started telling me about all the symptoms. :eyesroll I'm like, mom, one word - internet!

But whew! My mom drives me crazy but we rarely fight, and when we do it is oh so unpleasant. I really didn't want that to happen so feeling very relieved!
 
#13 ·
We are usually late announcers. 13 weeks with first and 14 with second lol. I honestly just don't like people (especially parents ) all up in my business. So far I've told 2 friends that i need support from. And hubby, of course. Our kids don't even know yet as I'm afraid the oldest (4 yo) would tell everyone. I'm not sure when exactly we'll tell parents and announce on fb (those go hand in hand as mil can't keep mouth shut) but definitely not until after we have appt and hear HB. Oh, and I haven't even told my midwives yet. Oops. Lol.
 
#20 ·
Probably smart to wait on telling the four-year old. My three-year old is telling everyone she sees that "my mama is growing my baby in her belly!" And I mean everyone, like people who knock on our door to sell things, everyone.

With my first we told family at 6weeks. Told work and everyone else at maybe 14 weeks. Then I had m/cs, so with my son, we only told my parents early because they helped with babysitting during appointments, but we told my DD (then 4 yrs old), my in-laws and my work (I am a teacher) at 18 weeks. FB didn't hear from us till 28 weeks.

This time we only told my parents (due to babysitting again), a good friend who also has the same blood clotting disease and m/c history as I do, and our doula from last time (hopefully this time too). I will wait to share with others until I show, unless circumstances require me to share. I would not lie if, for example, my friends asked about the big purple bruises that cover my thighs due to the daily shots. But that could only happen at the beach, and I do have a sarong. :)

But I can't wait to see my children's faces when we tell them (well, my son won't really understand, but my daughter totally will). DD has been saying "if there is another little baby that will come down to us from the angels..." etc., quite often in recent months.
That is so sweet about your daughter. Mine has been asking about a baby for a while too.

We told our families right away, since we've been trying for over a year, everyone has kind of been on baby watch. We just recently announced on Facebook, and I just quoted my daughter, since I put a lot of the funny little things she says up on Facebook.

This is what I posted: "Quinn, to everyone she sees, including random people that knock on our door and the entire story time class today: My mommy is growing me a baby in her belly. My baby is tiny and I am big, and my baby is growing big like me. (due January 2016)" Though, now that I think about it, I wish I would have said February, but I don't think anyone will be rushing me.
 
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#14 ·
We have told close friends. After two consecutive miscarriages I need friends to support me through these first weeks. With my second miscarriage I didn't tell anyone (except dh) and lost the child at 13 weeks, and it sucked so badly, it was lonely - my dh on a business trip, one of my 2 children sick, no midwife or caregiver yet really. I will never do that to myself. But I have also learned to not tell people that are insensitive towards the little lives growing inside of us; some comments might have been meant to been comforting, but calling a miscarriage DNA garbage is just hurtful.
 
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#15 ·
Peebs - Yay! Glad to hear it went better than expected! I plan on sending my mom a pic of DD with a onesie that says "I love my big sister!" so that she can have a moment to collect her thoughts before calling me and saying the first insensitive thing that comes out of her mouth.

belltree - *hugs* That is the worst. That's part of my reason for not telling my mother right away. If something bad were to happen, I know she'd be full of "it just wasn't meant to be...maybe you shouldn't be having another..." type comments that would permanently damage our relationship.

We told DD16 Saturday. We wanted her to be the first to know, and it's much harder keeping something hidden from a 16 year old than from a little one. We wrapped up the onesie we ordered from Etsy that says "I love my big sister!" and told her we found a birthday gift we forgot to give her a few weeks ago. After her jaw dropped and she said "Nu-uh!" she started crying and buried her face into her hands. I think it was mostly a surprised/happy reaction, mixed with some confusion and lots of questions. I don't think she thought we would ever have another child, but since she's had a few days to let it sink in, she's stoked and begging me to tell everyone so she can spill the beans to someone other than her BFF. :) We're still trying to hold off until August to tell anyone else, though.
 
#16 ·
We told DD16 Saturday. We wanted her to be the first to know, and it's much harder keeping something hidden from a 16 year old than from a little one. We wrapped up the onesie we ordered from Etsy that says "I love my big sister!" and told her we found a birthday gift we forgot to give her a few weeks ago. After her jaw dropped and she said "Nu-uh!" she started crying and buried her face into her hands. I think it was mostly a surprised/happy reaction, mixed with some confusion and lots of questions. I don't think she thought we would ever have another child, but since she's had a few days to let it sink in, she's stoked and begging me to tell everyone so she can spill the beans to someone other than her BFF. :) We're still trying to hold off until August to tell anyone else, though.
awwwwwwwww!
 
#17 ·
girlie1125;18854585 belltree - *hugs* That is the worst. That's part of my reason for not telling my mother right away. If something bad were to happen said:
My mom could/did say similar things to other people, so I will never tell her that early. And she has suffered from miscarriages and a child lost to SIDS.... maybe it's her way of looking at it, but it is not mine.

We told DD16 Saturday. We wanted her to be the first to know, and it's much harder keeping something hidden from a 16 year old than from a little one. We wrapped up the onesie we ordered from Etsy that says "I love my big sister!" and told her we found a birthday gift we forgot to give her a few weeks ago. After her jaw dropped and she said "Nu-uh!" she started crying and buried her face into her hands. I think it was mostly a surprised/happy reaction, mixed with some confusion and lots of questions. I don't think she thought we would ever have another child, but since she's had a few days to let it sink in, she's stoked and begging me to tell everyone so she can spill the beans to someone other than her BFF. :) We're still trying to hold off until August to tell anyone else, though.
This is sooo sweet :) What a darling daughter you've got.
 
#18 ·
With my first we told family at 6weeks. Told work and everyone else at maybe 14 weeks. Then I had m/cs, so with my son, we only told my parents early because they helped with babysitting during appointments, but we told my DD (then 4 yrs old), my in-laws and my work (I am a teacher) at 18 weeks. FB didn't hear from us till 28 weeks.

This time we only told my parents (due to babysitting again), a good friend who also has the same blood clotting disease and m/c history as I do, and our doula from last time (hopefully this time too). I will wait to share with others until I show, unless circumstances require me to share. I would not lie if, for example, my friends asked about the big purple bruises that cover my thighs due to the daily shots. But that could only happen at the beach, and I do have a sarong. :)

But I can't wait to see my children's faces when we tell them (well, my son won't really understand, but my daughter totally will). DD has been saying "if there is another little baby that will come down to us from the angels..." etc., quite often in recent months.
 
#19 ·
I love all th different styles of telling. Scoundrel out today and have told husband, and the friend I do pregnant with. I will tell two or three more local friends when I see them. One is going through a second missed miscarriage so that will be hard.
I also told our pastor and the prayer team will know too, which certainly falls under the supportive cattegory,

Parents are harder.i told my mum about the miscarriage this spring, but not my in laws. It feels uneven telling only one side sooner, but I also would tell her whatever happens. Everyone is out of the country.

Kids will talk so I think we will wait a month until we are off to see the inlaws.
 
#21 ·
DH and I are both so excited to tell our daughter that we keep wanting to hint that she's going to get a surprise. Fortunately, she's got a big event the weekend before we plan to tell her about the baby so we change it up "Hey kiddo, did you know....that it's almost time for that big event?!?"
 
#24 ·
I have an apt after this weekend, if we get to hear the heartbeat then we are going to go ahead and tell everyone! My husband told me last night that if I want to keep it a secret for much longer, I have to stop wearing tight shirts. Ha ha.
Now to think of a really cute announcement picture. Something farmy I am thinking. Tractors, or cowboy boots, or a pony would be perfect...
Is anyone else scheming about fun ways to tell?
 
#25 ·
I'm not really a "teller." My mom is living with us right now, and I haven't even told her. We've never told anyone until after the 1st trimester. We always couch it in terms of viability being more likely, but really, I'm just a private person. I don't want m/c support. I'm kind of an introvert. I prefer to grieve privately. People don't really act the same way when you're announcing the fourth or fifth baby, unfortunately. I'll have to tell my mom this week (10 weeks) just because I feel bad hiding it. But she won't be allowed to tell family until another couple of weeks. I'm really not planning on telling anyone this time. They'll figure it out eventually!
 
#27 ·
Any new announcements going on as we start to walk out of the first trimester?

Any ideas for original ways to do it?

For a moment I considered getting one of those big brother shirts on #1 , but I don't think I want to do it that way - we're going to rock his world, and it's going to be tough for him to have a sibling, plus us deciding to go for #2 is not his fault / responsibility so I don't want to pin the announcement on him, if that makes sense.
 
#28 ·
Still nothing here. I haven't told the older kids either because they are going to be super excited and will want to tell everyone else.

Actually no, my sweet husband told me to tell my friend right in front of her while she was unloading to us about her separation/divorce after more than a few drinks. I know exactly what she wanted to tell me but she was so very nice to say congratulations and ask a bunch of silly drunk questions. It just wasn't how I expected to tell her.
 
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