Worried and sad ( UPDATE POST 10) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 08:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am worried that DH won't want to TTC anymore. He asked last night about what we were going to do for birth control. I can't deal with that discussion right now. We have been trying since last November, and had 2 months where we were not TTC, but not TTA either. Those were the months I got my BFPs.

My body and heart wants to be pg so bad Since the m/c, I really want a baby in there

I am at the point where I just want to let it happen, but I can't be deceitful. I am not sure what to do

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#2 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 08:43 AM
 
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belovedk

if he asked, maybe he thinks you're not ready either? i know my husband might interpret a lot of sadness in me that way, and the default seems to be towards not trying again... if you can't talk about it right now, maybe writing him a note would be easier? sounds silly kinda, but i know i do better writing because i have the space i need to get my whole thought out.


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#3 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 09:04 AM
 
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Beloved,

You really need to talk to him about it somehow. A note may be a good idea, like the PP suggested.

With how stressed and sad you've been through this m/c, I'm sure its hard for him to see you like that, so maybe he thinks not trying anymore is a good solution. You had decided as a couple not to TTC anymore after the wedding night. Unfortunately, that little bean didn't stick , but you really need to discuss where you both stand on trying again. Leaving it up in the air is really going to fester and create a big ugly cloud over your relationship.

I guess let him know right now with all the m/c emotions you just can't decide either way, and maybe one day while on your honeymoon you will have a chance to really talk about it. I know it will be hard... but you need to decide what to do. Even if he's willing just to not try/not prevent.

I hope you can come to a decision together as a couple that brings you both happiness and peace.


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#4 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 10:14 AM
 
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You need to talk. I know the m/c was so weird for us, and I didn't quite know when and how to broach the, "I kinda want to start trying again." conversation with DH, but decided that there were no rules and just to have it sooner than later. Luckily, he was on the same page, but had a few misconceptions to sort out like waiting times, etc. Is your DH clear on what your body is ready for? Sometimes facts just need to be clarified.
Good luck, mama! . I SO know where you are coming from. Its a really emotional subject and a hard one to bring up, but the only way you are going to make that baby honestly is to talk to him straight.

S, mama to boy M(6/07) and baby girl R(7/10). We do all the good natural family living stuff!
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#5 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 10:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the feedback I like the note idea, maybe I will write it out in my journal first and then copy it to him. I am just afraid he will not want to try again. he keeps talking about his age I am still so worried. I suppose I will try to carve out some time today to reflect in my journal, and I will be going to my woman's circle tonight, maybe they can help me with my wording (it is a writer's group)

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#6 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 03:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Bump Still processing this

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#7 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 04:59 PM
 
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Worried and sad is a horrible place to be... I'm the same right now with rarely getting to talk to DF and it is sending things through my mind that I have to fight off so hard so I don't do something stupid.

You (and I) have to remember that in order to know what he wants, one must ask. Because men have a tendency to tell us what they think we want to hear... even if it isn't what we want to hear. Dont blame him for it though, he likely just wants to make you happy. Hopefully your honeymoon will be more than enough to make the both of you happy

Artist, photographer, stay-at-home-mom and Marine wife. Mom to 4; a boy and three little girls.
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#8 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 12:19 AM
 
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belovedk, how'd your group go? feeling any better about talking about TTC with your sweety?

me+him for 15 yrs, welcomed our little one march 25th, 2010.

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#9 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 12:51 AM
 
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Hi BelovedK, I just saw this thread. I hope your time with your writers' group helped. I wanted to tell you, in case it helped, that dh and I had a time that I wanted very much to ttc and he didn't. I couldn't make love and use birth control at that time. It was just too sad and against my spirit (therefor not very sexy or connecting). So we'd abstain during fertile times, or semi-abstain (you probably get the drift). He was understanding about that and I was grateful.

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#10 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 06:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I had a hard time at my group. One of the ladies brought her DD (19) and I didn't feel like I could let my hair down, I was on the edge of tears the whole night bc there were 2 ladies who didn't know about the m/c. We also had to write and read poetry, and the whole night was about writing poetry from the emotions (something you feel strongly about) and to read it with feeling. That SUCKED bc I was feeling sad. I worked it out though, I thought of something unrelated that made me very angry and I got through the night just fine


I am not doing very well though. Last night DH and I were dtd, and during it he said that he was going to pull out bc he "didn't want to get me pregnant: I just KNEW it The whole energy changed and I was crying while we were dtd (I hid it from him) and afterwards I just couldn't stop crying, I went in the bathroom, and then just cried in bed. DH knows I am sad, and just kept asking me if something was wrong, I couldn't bring myself to talk right then, it was also late and he had to get up at 4:30 (and as a result I did too)

I can only assume that we are not TTC anymore It is so important to me to get pregnant again, I have focused so much on it that to not TTC seems almost unbearable. Now we are going on a honeymoon and I am so sad I don't know how I will enjoy myself.

I guess I will have to bring myself to talk, but I am afraid that it will seal the deal. I am tempted to just try to pull myself together and avoid the conversation, and hope that he changes his mind. I will not stop TTC, if he doesn't want to then I guess he can just keep doing what he did. I am feeling so bad right now I hardly know what to do with myself.

I'm sorry to be such a downer today, I feel like I am alwaysgoing through something. I swear to you guys, I am really a pretty strong woman who is basically happy, this whole TTC business just tears me apart.

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#11 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 07:03 AM
 
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#12 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 08:17 AM
 
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BelovedK. I hope you and DH will be able to have a talk so that you can both express your feelings.

femalesling.GIFMama to intact DS Dec 06 and intact DS May 10......Looking to declutter 2012 items in 2012! (27/2012)

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#13 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 09:46 AM
 
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BelovedK, please find the strength to talk to your dh about this. He may just not really know how you feel. My heart aches reading your post....I am so sorry you are going through this.

: and 3 dd's (5, 4, 17 mos) and anticipating Michaela Skye (after my late daddy Michael.) May 26th 2010
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#14 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 09:59 AM
 
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. I do hope you guys can have an open and honest conversation. Maybe if he understood how important this is to you and your happiness he would be on board.

I know what you mean about not wanting to talk about it for fear that it'll solidify a result you don't want. I felt like I had barely convinced DH to TTC#1. In the first months of TTC, I really never ever talked to him about it because he would say things like "are you sure?" if we ever drew near the subject. Eventually, we did start talking about it. I realized I needed to let him voice his fears, otherwise they would fester. By the time I got pregnant, he was helping me inspect my peesticks. LOL!

Of course, you know your husband and your situation better than me - I'm just some woman on a message board. If your gut tells you to let it lay low for a while, then trust your gut. But if your gut tells you this needs to be put out on the table, don't be afraid of the worst outcome possible. Trust that your partner will hear you out, just like you'll hear him out.

I'm sending your good thoughts today... Please keep us posted.

Mama and co-parent to our beautiful DS (08/08) and our mighty strong DD (04/10) . Life is good.
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#15 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 11:16 AM
 
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#16 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 12:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wrote him a letter explaining how important it is to me and have yet to give it to him. I am going today to have a talk with a woman who is one of my mentors and very helpful and wise. I hope I will feel better and more clear after I talk to her. Then I can maybe rewrite my note and give it to him.

Thanks for the

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#17 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 12:22 PM
 
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Talking doesn't have to seal the deal, honey! It can be an active conversation. Start it off like that. Make it clear that you don't need an immediate decision on anything, but that you do need to know where he stands, talk about your feelings so that you can both process together and separately what the next move is.
Honeymoon might actually provide a nice an relaxed evening to do just that. Start a conversation. Don't think of it as being THE, "This is what we are going to do" thing, its just talking, making sure you both know how each other is feeling, thats it, ok?


S, mama to boy M(6/07) and baby girl R(7/10). We do all the good natural family living stuff!
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#18 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 02:17 PM
 
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i hope that the letter starts a good, healthy, honest communication and that you do remain in the TTC game. lots of love to you hon.

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#19 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 04:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just updated in the ONE thread. It looks like he may not want to continue TTC. My heart is so set on another baby, it feels like it is being ripped out

I talked briefly to him just now, and am not going to give him the letter. I know if I begged him, he would TTC, but I don't want it that way. I guess maybe DH and I are just going to be able to spend time together just enjoying each other, and not bringing new life into the world.

I just talked to my mentor (I LOVE that woman ) She always helps me put things in perspective. I am feeling more balanced, but incredibly sad. I will miss it here, and all of you guys. I will miss obsessing over pee-sticks I will just miss the dreams I have right now. I am working on finding new ones, I am not there et though. I am having a hard time letting go of these things. My body and hormones are screaming to be pregnant again. It is like reliving the m/c and the D&C all over again. This feels as painful as it did when I had that terrible ultrasound.

Thanks for listening, I feel like a fool and am sort of embarrassed that I have been so overly emotional here

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#20 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 04:25 PM
 
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BelovedK, I don't understand why his wishes trump your wishes. I know I don't have the whole story and I don't need to, I just hope you aren't doing that thing so many big hearted, empathetic people do of putting others' wishes, dreams, and visions over their own.

You just got married and are going on a honeymoon. Presumably he married the whole you, including this calling you feel. And you married the whole him, including the resistance he feels. If you drop your vision, you both lose. If he gets bulldozed into doing something he doesn't want to do, you both lose. Again, I don't know much, but I think the highest calling of marriage is to find a way that works for both of you, might not be both of your first choice, but it truly works. And it can take a lot of time. My guess is that there would be rich learning in finding your way as a couple with this and it may be part of why you were brought together.

It sounds to me like you need to talk and really, listen to each other. And it sounds like a ground rule that the purpose of the talk is just to listen, not make any decisions at that time, would be supportive. Maybe it would help to schedule two talks--one where he really listens to you, and one where you really listens to him. Or more.

Once when my husband and I were really stuck on something we decided to talk about it for 5 minutes a day. Limiting the time made it less overwhelming for him, but talking everyday helped me feel like it wasn't being forgotten. Knowing we were going to talk every day for a while really took a lot of pressure off and helped us hear each other.

Good wishes!

(My little selfish bit is I like having you around here. )

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#21 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 04:35 PM
 
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i do think you should really tell him how sad and disappointed you feel about not TTC. i know you don't want to beg him to do it or anything, but i do think it's important for him to know that you ARE really upset by this. especially if you are having a hard time letting go. so maybe you should give him the letter and just let him know exactly where you are without pressuring him to be in the same place. i feel like it would help him at least understand better and be able to support you through this better.

i had a very similar conversation with my DH a couple months ago, and he was just done TTC. and he wasn't sure if/when he ever wanted to do it, if/when he would ever be ready. if i had just let it go at that, that would have been the end of it. however, i knew that i couldn't keep all that disappointment and sadness inside me without it coming out in some other way, so i told him exactly how i felt and that i didn't want to pressure him into TTC but i was having a hard time dealing with it. he said that he was feeling really guilty about everything and ended up not wanting to have sex, ever, because he didn't want to TTC *or* use protection as he felt it would be letting me down. i stayed away from this board, afraid of coming back to ask to be moved to 'waiting to be ready' because i was SO READY. we were totally at odds and it made our sex life really bad because all i felt was disappointment and all he felt was guilt.

but we discussed it thoroughly and in detail. the conversation we had was extremely enlightening for both of us and helped us resolve a lot of unspoken conflict we were having about the whole TTC thing. we decided to not use protection or try to time things, and just let it be. if it happens, great! if it doesn't happen, it's totally okay. he doesn't have to worry about me pressuring him to have sex because i'm fertile or anything. so the pressure is completely off of him, and he's feeling great about it. meanwhile, i'm very happy that we didn't stop TTC and that i can keep trying each month, and even though it hasnt happened yet, i feel good about the fact that we are at least trying.

i think the little brief conversations, where he says something and i assume a lot, end up confusing a lot of issues for us. whereas when i really do let him know exactly how i feel, while reassuring him that i know it's not his fault and it's totally okay that we're not on the same page but it's important to be able to discuss it, we actually understand each other and are able to come to an agreement that works so much better for both of us than the assumed agreement based on mini-conversations that don't go into any detail.

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#22 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 05:27 PM
 
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:clapwaturmama and yummyum

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me+him for 15 yrs, welcomed our little one march 25th, 2010.

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#23 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 05:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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(My little selfish bit is I like having you around here. )



That is great advice I think I will suggest when we talk tonight that we don't make any decisions. Thanks for listening

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#24 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 05:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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YYYM, Thank you

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#25 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 06:13 PM
 
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I agree with the other ladies! You definitely need to start talking about this and help come to an understanding (one way or the other) or you may have things spill out into your honeymoon and you don't want that!

When me and dh decided to ttc he was against, I was for. He just kept on changing the topic and avoiding me. Finally I sat down with him and looked him in the eye and told him that we weren't going to make a decision on the subject today, BUT I need my side heard and I want to know where you are coming from as well. It turned into a 2hr long convo that was intended to only be a couple minutes...and we did end up making a decision at that point!

When I had a m/c before our last child my dh was TERRIFIED! He was scared of the pain it caused, and was scared of causing me more pain by not only the physical act of ttc, but having the situation repeated. There is also a financial aspect that my dh was concerned about as well. Our dh's are so concerned about protecting and taking care of us that sometimes what they see as protecting my feel like hurt to us...does that make sense? I guess the sum of what I am trying to say is have an honest convo with him and get your side heard too! Don't let it be a passive thing, take an active role so that you know that regardless of the outcome, you did your best to be understood...



(I hope this helps hun!)

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#26 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 09:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks MFG


We have talked. It is not looking good on the TTC front, but we are not making any decisions. We can't DTD tonight or for the next couple of days bc I am paranoid about having done it too soon. I feel a dull ache down there. I am sure it will be fine, but until the honeymoon, no DTD

It turns out that he is concerned about me. He is concerned for my health, and his age, and my age and the money situation. He is concerned that we need to just be an 'us' before we add a baby to the mix. It sounds like he has good points, and valid reasons,I can accept them. He apologized for the way it came out, and the timing. He kept trying to change the subject away from the m/c , I told him I NEEDED to talk, but didn't want to cry in front of the kids so we would talk after they were at their dad's.

SO, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but my intense desire to TTC and have HIS child makes no sense when I listen to his reasons. His reasons almost change my mind about TTC.

If we decide not to TTC then he will get a V to make it certain I would like it better that way because there would be no question, no obsessing.

I don't know. He is having some requested downtime which is why I am on the puter.

Thank you all SO much for listening to me and giving your feedback, it means so much, I really am going to miss you guys

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#27 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 11:07 PM
 
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OMG, so DH and I had SUCH a similar conversation before TTC this time. He was super worried about money and timing and all that, I obviously, was desperate to TTC again. When he laid out his side and I laid out mine, we BOTH changed each other's minds for a bit. There was a week where I was like, "Ok, goin' back to work, DS is going to be an only and thats that."
It took us a good several months and several conversations and lots of individual processing time to come to a final decision that we both feel great about. There were lots of absolutes stated before then and lots of times I would have written much of what you just said. Not to sound trite, but really, never say never.
For the health stuff, do the research, have it on hand next time you talk. For the relationship stuff, dive into the time you have alone together. Let him know how much you value that to and want to enjoy it, it is precious in a new marriage. And answer as many of his money concerns as you can and share your fear when you have it. Fear doesn't mean no, fear just means fear and that its an emotion that also has to be weighed in the decision.

Have a FANTASTIC honeymoon. Love each other, enjoy each other, heal from the recent heartaches and let the change of scenery work its magic.

I really hope we see you here again someday!

S, mama to boy M(6/07) and baby girl R(7/10). We do all the good natural family living stuff!
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#28 of 28 Old 08-06-2009, 11:03 AM
 
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No relationship expert here, but the way I see it, if you decide not to try to have a baby because he doesn't want to, you will resent him for it later. If that happens and your marriage falls apart, you may not have a child or a husband. I am not trying to sound negative here, but I have seen it happen. If having a child is so important to you and he is THAT against having a child with you knowing how important it is, maybe there is a bigger problem.
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