My body and heart wants to be pg so bad Since the m/c, I really want a baby in there
I am at the point where I just want to let it happen, but I can't be deceitful. I am not sure what to do
if he asked, maybe he thinks you're not ready either? i know my husband might interpret a lot of sadness in me that way, and the default seems to be towards not trying again... if you can't talk about it right now, maybe writing him a note would be easier? sounds silly kinda, but i know i do better writing because i have the space i need to get my whole thought out.
me+him for 15 yrs, welcomed our little one march 25th, 2010.
You really need to talk to him about it somehow. A note may be a good idea, like the PP suggested.
With how stressed and sad you've been through this m/c, I'm sure its hard for him to see you like that, so maybe he thinks not trying anymore is a good solution. You had decided as a couple not to TTC anymore after the wedding night. Unfortunately, that little bean didn't stick , but you really need to discuss where you both stand on trying again. Leaving it up in the air is really going to fester and create a big ugly cloud over your relationship.
I guess let him know right now with all the m/c emotions you just can't decide either way, and maybe one day while on your honeymoon you will have a chance to really talk about it. I know it will be hard... but you need to decide what to do. Even if he's willing just to not try/not prevent.
I hope you can come to a decision together as a couple that brings you both happiness and peace.
Lis ~ Married to my favorite boy and raising "our" three ~
DS 14 (his) ~ DD 9 (mine) ~ toddlerDS 2! (ours)
Good luck, mama! . I SO know where you are coming from. Its a really emotional subject and a hard one to bring up, but the only way you are going to make that baby honestly is to talk to him straight.
You (and I) have to remember that in order to know what he wants, one must ask. Because men have a tendency to tell us what they think we want to hear... even if it isn't what we want to hear. Dont blame him for it though, he likely just wants to make you happy. Hopefully your honeymoon will be more than enough to make the both of you happy
Mama to DS (3/05 ), wife to DH , remembering and Spirit 1/07, Hope 5/09, Harmony 6/10, Love 5/11, Joy 6/11
I am not doing very well though. Last night DH and I were dtd, and during it he said that he was going to pull out bc he "didn't want to get me pregnant: I just KNEW it The whole energy changed and I was crying while we were dtd (I hid it from him) and afterwards I just couldn't stop crying, I went in the bathroom, and then just cried in bed. DH knows I am sad, and just kept asking me if something was wrong, I couldn't bring myself to talk right then, it was also late and he had to get up at 4:30 (and as a result I did too)
I can only assume that we are not TTC anymore It is so important to me to get pregnant again, I have focused so much on it that to not TTC seems almost unbearable. Now we are going on a honeymoon and I am so sad I don't know how I will enjoy myself.
I guess I will have to bring myself to talk, but I am afraid that it will seal the deal. I am tempted to just try to pull myself together and avoid the conversation, and hope that he changes his mind. I will not stop TTC, if he doesn't want to then I guess he can just keep doing what he did. I am feeling so bad right now I hardly know what to do with myself.
I'm sorry to be such a downer today, I feel like I am alwaysgoing through something. I swear to you guys, I am really a pretty strong woman who is basically happy, this whole TTC business just tears me apart.
Mama to intact DS Dec 06 and intact DS May 10......Looking to declutter 2012 items in 2012! (27/2012)
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I do hope you guys can have an open and honest conversation. Maybe if he understood how important this is to you and your happiness he would be on board.
I know what you mean about not wanting to talk about it for fear that it'll solidify a result you don't want. I felt like I had barely convinced DH to TTC#1. In the first months of TTC, I really never ever talked to him about it because he would say things like "are you sure?" if we ever drew near the subject. Eventually, we did start talking about it. I realized I needed to let him voice his fears, otherwise they would fester. By the time I got pregnant, he was helping me inspect my peesticks. LOL!
Of course, you know your husband and your situation better than me - I'm just some woman on a message board. If your gut tells you to let it lay low for a while, then trust your gut. But if your gut tells you this needs to be put out on the table, don't be afraid of the worst outcome possible. Trust that your partner will hear you out, just like you'll hear him out.
I'm sending your good thoughts today... Please keep us posted.
Thanks for the
Honeymoon might actually provide a nice an relaxed evening to do just that. Start a conversation. Don't think of it as being THE, "This is what we are going to do" thing, its just talking, making sure you both know how each other is feeling, thats it, ok?
I talked briefly to him just now, and am not going to give him the letter. I know if I begged him, he would TTC, but I don't want it that way. I guess maybe DH and I are just going to be able to spend time together just enjoying each other, and not bringing new life into the world.
I just talked to my mentor (I LOVE that woman ) She always helps me put things in perspective. I am feeling more balanced, but incredibly sad. I will miss it here, and all of you guys. I will miss obsessing over pee-sticks I will just miss the dreams I have right now. I am working on finding new ones, I am not there et though. I am having a hard time letting go of these things. My body and hormones are screaming to be pregnant again. It is like reliving the m/c and the D&C all over again. This feels as painful as it did when I had that terrible ultrasound.
Thanks for listening, I feel like a fool and am sort of embarrassed that I have been so overly emotional here
You just got married and are going on a honeymoon. Presumably he married the whole you, including this calling you feel. And you married the whole him, including the resistance he feels. If you drop your vision, you both lose. If he gets bulldozed into doing something he doesn't want to do, you both lose. Again, I don't know much, but I think the highest calling of marriage is to find a way that works for both of you, might not be both of your first choice, but it truly works. And it can take a lot of time. My guess is that there would be rich learning in finding your way as a couple with this and it may be part of why you were brought together.
It sounds to me like you need to talk and really, listen to each other. And it sounds like a ground rule that the purpose of the talk is just to listen, not make any decisions at that time, would be supportive. Maybe it would help to schedule two talks--one where he really listens to you, and one where you really listens to him. Or more.
Once when my husband and I were really stuck on something we decided to talk about it for 5 minutes a day. Limiting the time made it less overwhelming for him, but talking everyday helped me feel like it wasn't being forgotten. Knowing we were going to talk every day for a while really took a lot of pressure off and helped us hear each other.
(My little selfish bit is I like having you around here. )
Mama to DS (3/05 ), wife to DH , remembering and Spirit 1/07, Hope 5/09, Harmony 6/10, Love 5/11, Joy 6/11
i do think you should really tell him how sad and disappointed you feel about not TTC. i know you don't want to beg him to do it or anything, but i do think it's important for him to know that you ARE really upset by this. especially if you are having a hard time letting go. so maybe you should give him the letter and just let him know exactly where you are without pressuring him to be in the same place. i feel like it would help him at least understand better and be able to support you through this better.
i had a very similar conversation with my DH a couple months ago, and he was just done TTC. and he wasn't sure if/when he ever wanted to do it, if/when he would ever be ready. if i had just let it go at that, that would have been the end of it. however, i knew that i couldn't keep all that disappointment and sadness inside me without it coming out in some other way, so i told him exactly how i felt and that i didn't want to pressure him into TTC but i was having a hard time dealing with it. he said that he was feeling really guilty about everything and ended up not wanting to have sex, ever, because he didn't want to TTC *or* use protection as he felt it would be letting me down. i stayed away from this board, afraid of coming back to ask to be moved to 'waiting to be ready' because i was SO READY. we were totally at odds and it made our sex life really bad because all i felt was disappointment and all he felt was guilt.
but we discussed it thoroughly and in detail. the conversation we had was extremely enlightening for both of us and helped us resolve a lot of unspoken conflict we were having about the whole TTC thing. we decided to not use protection or try to time things, and just let it be. if it happens, great! if it doesn't happen, it's totally okay. he doesn't have to worry about me pressuring him to have sex because i'm fertile or anything. so the pressure is completely off of him, and he's feeling great about it. meanwhile, i'm very happy that we didn't stop TTC and that i can keep trying each month, and even though it hasnt happened yet, i feel good about the fact that we are at least trying.
i think the little brief conversations, where he says something and i assume a lot, end up confusing a lot of issues for us. whereas when i really do let him know exactly how i feel, while reassuring him that i know it's not his fault and it's totally okay that we're not on the same page but it's important to be able to discuss it, we actually understand each other and are able to come to an agreement that works so much better for both of us than the assumed agreement based on mini-conversations that don't go into any detail.
When me and dh decided to ttc he was against, I was for. He just kept on changing the topic and avoiding me. Finally I sat down with him and looked him in the eye and told him that we weren't going to make a decision on the subject today, BUT I need my side heard and I want to know where you are coming from as well. It turned into a 2hr long convo that was intended to only be a couple minutes...and we did end up making a decision at that point!
When I had a m/c before our last child my dh was TERRIFIED! He was scared of the pain it caused, and was scared of causing me more pain by not only the physical act of ttc, but having the situation repeated. There is also a financial aspect that my dh was concerned about as well. Our dh's are so concerned about protecting and taking care of us that sometimes what they see as protecting my feel like hurt to us...does that make sense? I guess the sum of what I am trying to say is have an honest convo with him and get your side heard too! Don't let it be a passive thing, take an active role so that you know that regardless of the outcome, you did your best to be understood...
(I hope this helps hun!)
We have talked. It is not looking good on the TTC front, but we are not making any decisions. We can't DTD tonight or for the next couple of days bc I am paranoid about having done it too soon. I feel a dull ache down there. I am sure it will be fine, but until the honeymoon, no DTD
It turns out that he is concerned about me. He is concerned for my health, and his age, and my age and the money situation. He is concerned that we need to just be an 'us' before we add a baby to the mix. It sounds like he has good points, and valid reasons,I can accept them. He apologized for the way it came out, and the timing. He kept trying to change the subject away from the m/c , I told him I NEEDED to talk, but didn't want to cry in front of the kids so we would talk after they were at their dad's.
SO, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but my intense desire to TTC and have HIS child makes no sense when I listen to his reasons. His reasons almost change my mind about TTC.
If we decide not to TTC then he will get a V to make it certain I would like it better that way because there would be no question, no obsessing.
I don't know. He is having some requested downtime which is why I am on the puter.
Thank you all SO much for listening to me and giving your feedback, it means so much, I really am going to miss you guys
It took us a good several months and several conversations and lots of individual processing time to come to a final decision that we both feel great about. There were lots of absolutes stated before then and lots of times I would have written much of what you just said. Not to sound trite, but really, never say never.
For the health stuff, do the research, have it on hand next time you talk. For the relationship stuff, dive into the time you have alone together. Let him know how much you value that to and want to enjoy it, it is precious in a new marriage. And answer as many of his money concerns as you can and share your fear when you have it. Fear doesn't mean no, fear just means fear and that its an emotion that also has to be weighed in the decision.
Have a FANTASTIC honeymoon. Love each other, enjoy each other, heal from the recent heartaches and let the change of scenery work its magic.
I really hope we see you here again someday!