Need some support here... anyone else TTCing with a depressed DH? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 21 Old 11-25-2009, 03:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm feeling a bit hopeless right now... I can take my five hundred supplements a day, chart, pass up alcohol, eat better, listen to fertility meditations as I fall asleep every night... and none of it means anything at all because DH has no sex drive.

I'm not an initiator. It's not in my nature. But I've been having to prance around the house, dropping not-so-subtle hints. I'll flat out say "Hey! Guess what we should do tonight," and he's all "Yeah! We totally should." Nothing ever happens, though... just lots of law school homework, TV watching, me sitting and checking the forums or sewing cloth wipes for the baby we're not even halfway to making, and then going to bed super late. He is NEVER INTERESTED. He wants to be, but he doesn't make any efforts or respond. We've talked about it and he knows how I feel (which is probably even worse because then he feels really guilty).

He has mild depression, and he's doing well with his school work despite some learning disabilities (ADHD, dyslexia, NVLD) which is really a feat in itself. I know that saps a lot of energy from him. He sees a therapist biweekly, takes Ritalin and Prozac, eats pretty well, and tries to exercise/do yoga which normally works but is hard to fit in during exam season. He knows this is a problem. I bought him a Male Libido supplement with Maca and other herbs but he's waiting for the pharmacist to call back and verify that it's "safe" (even though I pop Maca like candy and keep telling him it's fine). I've asked him a million times to call them again because they're NOT going to call him back. I can see the cycle building here.

I'm very carefully not making BDing all about, well, babies. I told him that I want this for us as a couple. I didn't get married to be asexual. But he sits and feels guilty and then doesn't do anything about it, and it's really hard.

It doesn't help that this set in after we got married and in my last year of grad school where I was studying nonstop and gained 30 pounds in about six months He says it doesn't bother him and I'm beautiful, but I can't help but feel like it's part of the problem.

I'm just very down right now and any support would help thanks, guys.

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#2 of 21 Old 11-25-2009, 03:33 PM
 
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Seduce him! lol...

It is really tough to deal with medically enhanced lack of libido... But at least you can rest assured its not you, its most likely the Prozac. You just need to find ways around that (and male libido enhancers usually are not the answer, unfortunately)

I know that when I was going through it myself it was frustrating even to me. Its going to take more work from both of you to get him in the mood than it would for most couples. Some all it takes is standing in front of their husband and wink to get them in the mood... others require getting rid of ALL the stress in the household for a couple hours for them to relax enough to be able to get in the mood... its probably not going to be easy to find what gets him in the mood (but at least it can be fun!)

I cant even begin to give you tips on where to start though, as I was in his shoes and not yours when I was going through it.

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#3 of 21 Old 11-25-2009, 04:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's actually not because of the Prozac... that's a relatively new development. He's had a diminished drive for about two years, but it actually left completely about 8 months ago and never came back. We've been married over a year and have had sex MAYBE eight times since then, and I think that's a slightly elevated assessment at that. I remember twice in January 09, maybe another time in March, maybe once in June, twice July, etc. I think the last time was August.

He's totally on board with babies, so it's not that. And he wasn't completely in January but still made it happen twice.

It just makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, and it's pretty hard to get into the mood myself. And he just does nothing about it. It's hard not to just give up on the whole thing sometimes. I've gotten all dressed up and then cried myself to sleep later after nothing happened, you know? I know he loves me and feels bad about it, but I can't just fix it on my own.

I'm worried I'll miss this cycle, too.


ETA: The Prozac is to help the depression, and in part so he'll have more of a drive... even with the understanding that it can work against that, too. So they'll probably tack on another prescription, sigh.

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#4 of 21 Old 11-25-2009, 04:04 PM
 
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Sorry, I don't have any advice but I know it must be frustrating.

Paula, mama to DS M (7/2010) sleepytime.gif and Watson (1998) dog2.gif and welcoming baby Penny (8/1/2013) babyf.gif

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#5 of 21 Old 11-25-2009, 04:38 PM
 
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Rather than adding another prescription they will usually change from Prozac to something like... uh... I forget the name of it but they had me on it a few months last year... between the Prozac and the Welbutrin (which caused a caffeine allergy to arise, so odd)

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#6 of 21 Old 11-25-2009, 04:42 PM
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miriam,
I couldnt read this and not respond. How frustrating.
My DH and i went through a "dry spell" when we moved in together- it lasted about a year, where we might do it like ooohh... 1x per month if he was lucky. I felt unfulfilled emotionally, so didnt want to have sex, he said that the way he DID show his affection was through sex. so we were in a stale mate for a while...

now, it's WAY better, but it's taken a lot of communication and a lot of comprimise.

so, I'll try to get to my point here! I'm sure your DH wants very much to have a family with you. He might also have a desire to support his family, and be the provider. And that might be hard for him to wrap his head around while he's studying non-stop, reading BORING law school stuff, and just generally has a high stress level.

It really really stinks for you, but could you tell him that you're just "not avoiding" so maybe that takes some of the stress off? you can still chart and everything else if it makes you comfortable. but maybe the thought of planning to have a baby in the midst of all of his personal stresses is making him less than excited?

also, yes, seduce him. I personally, was not at ALL used to initiating. DH has always done that in our relationship, so I never needed to know how, nor did I have the desire to do it. some of it was emotional, not wanting to "put myself out there." i finally realized he's my husband, and he does WANT to, even if he's not in the mood at the moment. So, if I want it to happen on a schedule (like when i know i'm fertile), then i know i have to plant the idea early on... sometimes days in advance. starting with flirtation, and ending with full on propositions.

maybe for your DH, a little mini day-trip during a non-stressful time in school would help him to relax a bit? then when he's nice and relaxed, take him home and go to town!

I also think you're totally right to talk to him about how it hurts you, and how it's putting a little wall in your relationship. you both want a family, so that's a good place to start. I know you dont want to hurt him, so communicating your feelinds without blaming him is a great idea. You can also explain that having a good intimate connection is definitely helpful in working as a team to parent (or so I think, i'm not a mom, but it seems like common sense).

I hate to say this, because I know how much you want this, and remember you from months ago. .... but if you want him to be totally on board, not just in theory but in action, you might have to wait for school to be over, or at least during a break in school. it seems like if he's got mild depression, and is in law school (stressful for anyone) and doing really well even with the LDs, his stress threshold might be maxed. that could be contributing to his low drive. stress is bad for sperm count and health, too, btw.
good luck, miriam. i can only imagine what a tough place this is. and much

The babymoon isn't over! Our long awaited A born 7/18/10, making us laugh and smile every day.
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#7 of 21 Old 11-25-2009, 04:45 PM
 
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omg i sooooo feel you. my hubs won't really admit to even being depressed, and our sex life suffered for months, and i'v spent so much time wondering why i'm charting and taking supps and looking up hb midwives when the most important step - sex - wasn't happening. it's like i've asked him to clean the gutters. really makes me feel attractive.

i told him that maca could help his energy, libido, and mood, and that it also can impact fertility, but i made it clear that the main reason for it would be energy/mood. since july or august, he's been taking 2000 mg a day and i've seen a huge difference in his libido. he still has some stuff to work through, but i've seen a difference in his energy level and mood as well.

with my husband, i don't tell him what's going on in my cycle or anything anymore. this is the guy who helped me chart by temping and helping analyze charts since 2006. he is at a point where he is overthinking it, feeling like an incapable dad, and worrying that he'll be no good with another kid, all due to depression and lack of self esteem/confidence. he knows rationally that it's all mental and can feel great about it sometimes, but once he realizes i'm fertile and want a baby the doubts and insecurities set right back in.

i'm a planner. i wanted a winter 09/10 baby, and that ship sailed. so this was really hard for me and felt like such rejection. what worked for us was me sitting and telling him that it doesn't matter if or when we have a baby. it's out of our hands. i just want him happy and comfortable. we agreed to not try or prevent, and i only tell him when i have my period. if i'm in the mood (or see ewcm/+opk), i'll text him pics of me in lingerie while he's at work, tell him how hot he is, how much i love him, how much i value our relationship, etc. i try to feel sexier myself and let him know how sexy i think he is. he takes his maca without fail and loves to cite an online review of it he read. (it said "dude my boners are ridiculous with this!" ) sex is just about sex. if it doesn't happen or if he doesn't ejaculate, i gulp and tell myself it's ok and b!tch abt it here.

it's been hard! but our sex life is better and we're both a lot calmer about it, sort of. it's a continuous process. i do my baby obsessing here and not around him. i've always shared everything with him so it feels weird, but this way we both get what we want.

you guys will find your way through this. you may wanna find your own good links on maca (maybe related more to energy/mood so he knows it's good for him, not just his sperm) and email him or read them casually. i hope reading this was useful somehow....

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#8 of 21 Old 11-25-2009, 05:49 PM
 
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Would you feel better about yourself if you lost some of the weight you gained? Maybe if you and him did something physical together (outside of sex) the bedroom antics would pick up. I know when DH and I work out together we almost always want to have sex later LOL. I think it's the hormones and all those good things that are released from exercise. Plus, we feel we are taking care of ourselves and that is a big turn on, you know? I want to give you a I know how often I would be like, WE HAVE TO HAVE SEX!!! and then I would not ovulate and it was quite frustrating always seeming to be the one inititating it. Shouldn't guys want it more then us? hahaha I think that is a fallacy though.

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#9 of 21 Old 11-25-2009, 11:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You guys... thank you all so, so much for your comments. Seriously, it really helped a lot.

We ended up finally having a small blowout (right before I went to work, OF COURSE, heh) but basically I got across to him that I understand he might not physically feel like having sex, but he wasn't actually trying to be physically intimate in ANY way. I likened it to schoolwork-- he might have a really hard time concentrating, but he'll still TRY to study. With me, he wasn't even trying... no more grabbing at me when I walked by (and here I was thinking at one time that that was annoying!), no more absentmindedly rubbing my back or legs while sitting together on the couch, no more touching at all, really, beyond hand-holding. And he said that was because he knew he couldn't do much sexually because his body has stopped cooperating lately (combo of depression and Prozac) and he was embarrassed and didn't want me to know or face it himself.

I came home from work and he'd won $100 on a scratch ticket and used the money to buy me a fancy dinner. He took a shower first so he smelled like aftershave and his soap, which I LOVE, and while he was out he'd bought me a fancy chocolate bar and purple roses. And he said he wants to show me that he IS interested in me, and if we just cuddle a lot more because that's all he can do then he'll do that more often.

I feel a lot better. I'm a little sad because he said the parts aren't working properly, so to speak, with the medication... and I'm supposed to ovulate in about a week. We might not make it this cycle. I was starting to get my heart set on it, but I have some time, at least, to readjust my expectations. I just need to focus on US right now and see if the next cycle things aren't a bit better. He called his doctor and she said to give it another month because it takes about 2 months for the Prozac to kick in all the way.

So we'll see. I have to say... I want to cry with how glad I am to have had a place like this to vent and get support when I was feeling down this afternoon. I'm tearing up just typing it! I was really upset and you ladies are the best. Thank you so much, all of you

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#10 of 21 Old 11-26-2009, 12:01 AM
 
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What about going off the Ritalin? I am not a big fan of the whole ADHD label and have heard a lot of people say how they took their kids off Ritalin because it turned them into zombies and they are not themselves. The Prozak is really important for depression and I agree with Mae that maybe there is a different rx that his doc could try?
I think if it is the meds that are doing it and the prozak isn't working to make the depression better, then the logical answer is to change the meds.
And I understand you have tried your darndest to seduce but what if you used some other ....er....video stimulation while cuddling and see if that helps?
DH and I were married a couple years and hit a dry spell and I reluctantly rented some movies and it seemed to help. Not because I wasn't sexy enough and he had to look at other skinny naked women, but sometimes even just the noise in the background set the mood? Just a thought.

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#11 of 21 Old 11-26-2009, 12:08 AM
 
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I'm so glad you two talked and came to an understanding.

Hopefully when his doctor allows, a change in medication will help.

Paula, mama to DS M (7/2010) sleepytime.gif and Watson (1998) dog2.gif and welcoming baby Penny (8/1/2013) babyf.gif

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#12 of 21 Old 11-26-2009, 04:41 AM
 
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I totally sympathize- my dh has the same problem. He's on Paxil and is a doctoral student. The combination of being on an SSRI and tired all the time means that he has NO libido. It's irritating for TTC (he's able to have an orgasm through masturbation when he isn't able to have one through intercourse, so I've been doing at-home artificial insem. with a medicine syringe), but it's also very disheartening in general. We just got married in July, and it's really difficult for me that we're not having sex all that often (maybe 5x a month...all after I practically beg...which doesn't feel very good, of course).

I disagree with PP about the ADHD meds...they will NOT make someone a zombie if they are needed and taken properly (if you don't have ADHD and take Ritalin, which is an amphetamine derivative, it won't make you calmer. People who act zombie-like on ADHD meds are probably just taking too high of a dose). Sorry, that's a pet peeve of mine...I have ADHD and Adderall was great for me. It actually increased my libido somewhat.

If you can encourage him to go to his psychiatrist, switching to Wellbutrin can help increase libido *and* help with ADHD. My libido was quite high on Wellbutrin, and I had lots of orgasms .

Good luck!

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#13 of 21 Old 11-26-2009, 02:15 PM
 
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You've gotten some great replies...I wanted to very gently and lovingly add that as hard as it is to hear, this may not be the best time to try to conceive if your dh is feeling maxed out already. My dh and I have had four children together, and having children is a HUGE emotional and physical investment, beyond what I could've ever imagined. When one of you is feeling less-than-well, the balance can be thrown off. Stroll over to the "Parents as Partners" forum; there are countless threads about the frustration one partner is feeling at having to pull the whole load without support. I know you say that your dh is open to children, but from an outside observation, it doesn't sound like he has much extra to give right now.

Again, I say this with much love and support for you...I just would hate to see you conceive and then feel resentful that he is emotionally or physically unavailable during pregnancy and newborn days, which are ineviteably difficult even when both partners are feeling strong.

I wish you best of luck, and hope I haven't in any way hurt or offended you. Just wanted to point out that focusing on getting him feeling better BEFORE adding a baby to the mix might be the wisest thing.

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#14 of 21 Old 11-26-2009, 02:35 PM
 
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This is so hard for me. My DH is not depressed, really, but doesn't work well under pressure. For instance, on our honeymoon. And TTC. I try not to make sex just about getting knocked up--because it is so much more than that--but really, 99% of the time, we have a great time, and it kills me that the THREE DAYS in the last THREE + years, it is like pulling teeth to get him in bed with me. And even then, it takes an hour or more to actually get the deed done.

I guess I thought that trying to make a new person would be romantic, since we both want to so badly. Now I just hope we get pregnant so we don't have to have awful sex anymore.

Erin, Catholic mama to three sweet boys: Ambrose (11/06),  Peter (3/08), and Joseph (9/10) and a sweet girl, Charlotte (7/12/12).

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#15 of 21 Old 11-26-2009, 02:44 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tolovemercy View Post
This is so hard for me. My DH is not depressed, really, but doesn't work well under pressure. For instance, on our honeymoon. And TTC. I try not to make sex just about getting knocked up--because it is so much more than that--but really, 99% of the time, we have a great time, and it kills me that the THREE DAYS in the last THREE + years, it is like pulling teeth to get him in bed with me. And even then, it takes an hour or more to actually get the deed done.

I guess I thought that trying to make a new person would be romantic, since we both want to so badly. Now I just hope we get pregnant so we don't have to have awful sex anymore.
If he is okay with TTC, you just dont mention that you are BDing to TTC. If you know he is 100% on board with another child... he doesn't need to know when you are fertile... you just have to seduce him.

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#16 of 21 Old 11-26-2009, 04:20 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaerynPearl View Post
If he is okay with TTC, you just dont mention that you are BDing to TTC. If you know he is 100% on board with another child... he doesn't need to know when you are fertile... you just have to seduce him.
Yeah, we actually were just talking about this! After feeling kind of mopey about the whole thing, it sort of dawned on me that even though I find TTC exciting and romantic, he finds it extraordinarily stressful. I mentioned to him that next cycle I'll keep all my fertility info to myself and let him remain blissfully ignorant, and he seemed really appreciative of the idea. So, sigh. Next cycle seems like a billion years away.

Erin, Catholic mama to three sweet boys: Ambrose (11/06),  Peter (3/08), and Joseph (9/10) and a sweet girl, Charlotte (7/12/12).

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#17 of 21 Old 11-27-2009, 01:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So many more helpful replies!

Quote:
Originally Posted by HulaJenn View Post
What about going off the Ritalin? I am not a big fan of the whole ADHD label and have heard a lot of people say how they took their kids off Ritalin because it turned them into zombies and they are not themselves. The Prozak is really important for depression and I agree with Mae that maybe there is a different rx that his doc could try?
DH was actually on Ritalin as a child, and while it helped him a lot, he felt bad about needing to take it. It took him until he was 31 to be comfortable even saying "I have ADHD" because he had such low self-esteem about it... he had a really hard time in school as a kid and had teachers telling his parents in front of him that he'd never go to college. To which I say HE'S IN LAW SCHOOL NOW, JERKS!!! heh. I am bitter about that on his behalf (and being in education myself!) I CAN say that the Ritalin has drastically improved his daily life, not even just in terms of school work... he functions better and doesn't feel like his brain is a jumbled mess. It's absolutely necessary for him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BreaMarie View Post
I totally sympathize- my dh has the same problem. He's on Paxil and is a doctoral student. The combination of being on an SSRI and tired all the time means that he has NO libido. It's irritating for TTC (he's able to have an orgasm through masturbation when he isn't able to have one through intercourse, so I've been doing at-home artificial insem. with a medicine syringe), but it's also very disheartening in general. We just got married in July, and it's really difficult for me that we're not having sex all that often (maybe 5x a month...all after I practically beg...which doesn't feel very good, of course).

I disagree with PP about the ADHD meds...they will NOT make someone a zombie if they are needed and taken properly (if you don't have ADHD and take Ritalin, which is an amphetamine derivative, it won't make you calmer. People who act zombie-like on ADHD meds are probably just taking too high of a dose). Sorry, that's a pet peeve of mine...I have ADHD and Adderall was great for me. It actually increased my libido somewhat.

If you can encourage him to go to his psychiatrist, switching to Wellbutrin can help increase libido *and* help with ADHD. My libido was quite high on Wellbutrin, and I had lots of orgasms .

Good luck!
Oh man, we need a support group. I'll follow his lead on the Prozac thing but if he's not happy with it after another month, I'll see if he wants to ask about Wellbutrin.

And thanks for the support on Adderall/Ritalin... I agree with many people that it's highly over-prescribed and not good for everyone who takes it, but we're relatively healthy and "organic" people who are choosy with what we eat, try to recycle, etc-- we're not prescription or easy-fix junkies, and he really, REALLY feels like Ritalin helps him a ton. It's made such a difference in how he feels, it's like a miracle drug for him. Totally worth it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carolyn R View Post
You've gotten some great replies...I wanted to very gently and lovingly add that as hard as it is to hear, this may not be the best time to try to conceive if your dh is feeling maxed out already. My dh and I have had four children together, and having children is a HUGE emotional and physical investment, beyond what I could've ever imagined. When one of you is feeling less-than-well, the balance can be thrown off. Stroll over to the "Parents as Partners" forum; there are countless threads about the frustration one partner is feeling at having to pull the whole load without support. I know you say that your dh is open to children, but from an outside observation, it doesn't sound like he has much extra to give right now.

Again, I say this with much love and support for you...I just would hate to see you conceive and then feel resentful that he is emotionally or physically unavailable during pregnancy and newborn days, which are ineviteably difficult even when both partners are feeling strong.

I wish you best of luck, and hope I haven't in any way hurt or offended you. Just wanted to point out that focusing on getting him feeling better BEFORE adding a baby to the mix might be the wisest thing.
No, I appreciate your being candid and sensitive about it! You're totally right. To be honest, he's got some self-esteem issues to work on, but really things are pretty good. The Prozac is to help with what he calls the "dark cloud" over his head... he's able to see when things are very good, but is always waiting for the bad around the corner. It's partly because he can't imagine that he could really be doing well in life and partly because he has this constant low-level anxiety that somehow it'll all come crashing down around him and he can't shake it. He's also in talk therapy for that.

He's definitely ready to start a family, so this isn't "I'm not sure about this" stress. We had that back in January when we started TTC and he was just not completely there yet. We took time off and honestly, he really is ready even though it took him a while to come around to it.




Okay, so! We did get a little somewhere last night. I can say honestly that his heart is in it but his body isn't complying. I'm a little sad because I don't think we have much of a shot this cycle but hopefully the Prozac will kick in and his body will adjust to it, and then we'll do better the next cycle. But we'll see.

Thank you all again so much!

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#18 of 21 Old 11-27-2009, 03:43 AM
 
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Just wanted to chime in and say, Julie, I got your back, girl. I am so happy to hear that communication has been acheived. Next comes...pregnancy!

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#19 of 21 Old 11-27-2009, 04:40 AM
 
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Originally Posted by miriam_bat_avraham View Post
I'm feeling a bit hopeless right now... I can take my five hundred supplements a day, chart, pass up alcohol, eat better, listen to fertility meditations as I fall asleep every night... and none of it means anything at all because DH has no sex drive.

I'm not an initiator. It's not in my nature. But I've been having to prance around the house, dropping not-so-subtle hints. I'll flat out say "Hey! Guess what we should do tonight," and he's all "Yeah! We totally should." Nothing ever happens, though... just lots of law school homework, TV watching, me sitting and checking the forums or sewing cloth wipes for the baby we're not even halfway to making, and then going to bed super late. He is NEVER INTERESTED. He wants to be, but he doesn't make any efforts or respond. We've talked about it and he knows how I feel (which is probably even worse because then he feels really guilty).

He has mild depression, and he's doing well with his school work despite some learning disabilities (ADHD, dyslexia, NVLD) which is really a feat in itself. I know that saps a lot of energy from him. He sees a therapist biweekly, takes Ritalin and Prozac, eats pretty well, and tries to exercise/do yoga which normally works but is hard to fit in during exam season. He knows this is a problem. I bought him a Male Libido supplement with Maca and other herbs but he's waiting for the pharmacist to call back and verify that it's "safe" (even though I pop Maca like candy and keep telling him it's fine). I've asked him a million times to call them again because they're NOT going to call him back. I can see the cycle building here.

I'm very carefully not making BDing all about, well, babies. I told him that I want this for us as a couple. I didn't get married to be asexual. But he sits and feels guilty and then doesn't do anything about it, and it's really hard.

It doesn't help that this set in after we got married and in my last year of grad school where I was studying nonstop and gained 30 pounds in about six months He says it doesn't bother him and I'm beautiful, but I can't help but feel like it's part of the problem.

I'm just very down right now and any support would help thanks, guys.
To me, it doesn't sound like he wants a baby right now. That's my best guess as to why he's not interested in sex

Hi I'm Elle, a ing mama to my boy, Honeybun
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#20 of 21 Old 11-29-2009, 02:16 AM
 
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i first off have to say that you sound like an amazing wife--so understanding and patient. he sounds like a good guy with the best of intentions. i dont see why TTC cant happen...just in a different way...

im going to suggest something that may be odd but if he's exhausted (mentally and physically) and he's having a hard time sexually, but you are o'ing, it might be an answer and relieve some pressure off of him and get the job done.

what about the turkey baster method? basically him giving you a sample and you self inseminating with a syringe (use some pre-seed lube, and try to orgasm on your own). you could take some sexy pics for him and leave him those, some pre-seed and a collection cup, and a sweet note. you could make it a positive, happy experience and let him know how much you appreciate it, then really build his self esteem, and thank him for that gift. it may even get him in the mood, and cause more intimacy in your relationship.

thats just my .2 but i hope it helps.

nicole, wife & very blessed mom of 2 fun boys '03 & '05 & sweet girl '10. 2ndtri.gifDue 1-6-13 hbac.gifwaterbirth.jpg

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#21 of 21 Old 01-03-2010, 07:06 PM
 
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Miriam,
Sorry I'm a little late to this thread, but I just found it. Sounds like a problem I am all too familiar with (DH and I have been TTC for 2 yrs now, and he has an extremely low sex drive). It is incredibly frustrating and disheartening. There have been many, many times where I've thought to myself "what's the freaking point in charting/going to a fertility specialist when we're not even sleeping together???"

In our case, we have known (for a few years now) that my hubby had low testosterone, but kind of just ignored it not thinking much of it. There wasn't much to be concerned about besides the effect it had on our less than passionate sex life. I've always had to be the initiator, and sometimes I could tell he wasn't really "into it", but we were still able to have a pretty normal sex life besides that. Well, about 8 months into the TTC, he really started to withdraw. And then the sex started to dwindle from once or twice a week (more around ovulation), to once a month (and even that felt forced). I assumed that it was a result of the pressure of TTC and him feeling like he was being put on the spot.

Recently, we went to see a fertility specialist and did a number of tests (tons of blood work on both of us). My DH asked to have his testosterone checked, and when the results came back, we were shocked. He was only 161!! That was basically the equivalent of a sickly 90 year old man. (Normal levels - from what I've been told - are within a spectrum of 300-1,200 for ALL men. That includes men 20-90 years old, sick AND healthy. So being 29 years old and healthy? He is basically off the charts. In the wrong direction).
Of course, that didn't help DH's confidence, and he's feeling pretty down right now. But at least now we know what the deal is (and it's fixable).

Morale of the story:: Have you thought about having your husband's testosterone level checked?? It could explain a lot if it's low.

Men's testosterone will naturally decrease as they get older, but if he has a low level, you could get him on horomone replacement treatment. (They even make testosterone replacement creams just like the HRT for menopause). Getting his testosterone levels back up to where they should be will not only make him feel better it can make your sex life improve and help you reconnect.

Good luck!
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