Fabulous 40++TTC. New Year and New Hopes - Mothering Forums
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Trying To Conceive > Fabulous 40++TTC. New Year and New Hopes
Buzzer Beater's Avatar Buzzer Beater 07:40 PM 01-01-2011

grouphug.gif  Here we go, ladies! Huddle! Share! It's the 2011 40+TTC thread!  



Pass the fertility goddess game:


Sign up with a pm to BB and I will add you to the list. Get the address for the person next in line, and send the goddess to her with a treat, wish, prayer, ttc tip, whatever is in your heart to share and add. When you receive the goddess let us know online, and share the token you got from the previous player if you so wish. Some things may be better private, and I know some of us believe in keeping some things close in order not to spoil them. Here goes:


Buzzer Beater

Kristin0105 lady.gif








Previous thread:  http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1267754/40-ttc-awesome-autumn-for-starting-a-baby-thread





 Babies Born

kbhlmh/Karen (44) Kevin (boy) born 12/05
noordinaryspider (42) Terran born 1/18/08
Hockeylover/Juls (44) Twin Girls born 12/08
Juneau (44): Baby Girl Eliza Jane born 1/12/09
DoulaMomVicki: Edie Mae born 1/25/09
WV Mommy/Erika (41): Josiah Born 2/5/09
Veganmama719 (41): Declan James born 8/2/09
saoirse2007 (39): It's a Girl!!! Rauri born 8/16/09
ElliesMomma(41) Welcome Shawn Robert born 09/8/09
Pookietooth/Jen (44) Baby Girl 10/28/09
Stealthee (41) A new baby boy, born 1/31/10
Grace24(39) Xavier, born 2/15/10
Sunrise/Sara (43) Lucy, born 2/28/10
zonapellucida (40) Bennet, born 2/28/10
BuzzerBeater (46) Georgia, born 5/20/10
LisaSedai (42) Lily Elise, born 6/17/10
pitchfork (41) Fiona Ellen, born 8/31/10

kel32brown/Kelli (43) baby born 10/6/10

karen1968 (41) Paige Marie, born 11/5/10

2bpeaceful (42) ds born 2/5/11


Ompath (40) EDD 12/1/10
NeverBeenHappier (39) EDD 12/5/10
M0xxie (43) EDD 1/23/11
2bpeaceful (40) EDD 2/1/11
mentalgiant (43) EDD 2/27/11
sneezykids/Kelli (40)
BHappy/Karen (43) EDD 6/6/11

karmab (42) EDD 6/28/11

greenmama66 (44)

maritimegirl (45)

bookwormommy (42) EDD 8/8/11
mamamerle (40) 8/8/11

Halifax40 (43)

Saoirse2007 (41)

moona (41)

EonJourney (41)

Waturmama (44) EDD 12/13/11


alittlesandy/Sandy (39)

Annie Mac (40)

beachlover (44)

Boozhemama (40)

contactmaya (44)
earthlymama (42)
edwardsmom (44)
enigo (40)

Eonjourney (40)
fuller2 (43)

gardeneraholic/alicia (46)
gerlassie (42)

Halifax40 (43)
heathenmom (39)

homebirthy/Amy (43)

hopeful mom2be (43)
jenjersnap (41)

Karalina (45)
kay99 (40)
kbhlmh (48)
kittyl/Kitty (42)
Kristin0105 (44)
lauraloveshorses (40)
LitMama (42)

lotus1 (40)
Lovenkisses (42)
lovestolearn (47)

lovetolaugh (40)
lovbeingamommy/Kate (45)

mamapajama (40)
MassaginMommy/Laurie (47)
MI_Dawn (39) http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/212b8a
moona (41)
music.mama.pdx (44)
naturallyspeaking (39)

reikibirth/Toni (45)
saoirse2007 (41)
Sapphos/Laura (41)

shy (40.5)

Stealthee (42)

Waturmama (44)


carfreemama (42)



If you have information to edit or update, please PM me and I will make changes and additions ASAP. I have a really good feeling about the new year for us...! Let's add to the BFP list.




WaturMama's Avatar WaturMama 01:12 PM 01-03-2011

Thank you Buzzer Beater!! flowersforyou.gif


Here I am. I was wondering why the other thread was so quiet and took a look. I will go post a link to this thread over in that one so all the subscribed people will know where to find us.

WaturMama's Avatar WaturMama 01:14 PM 01-03-2011

Ohmigosh!! I went over there and you had just done it yourself. Interstate mind meld...I love that!

Buzzer Beater's Avatar Buzzer Beater 01:16 PM 01-03-2011



Looking forward to hearing everyone's plans for the new year! 

beachlover's Avatar beachlover 01:54 PM 01-03-2011

Happy New Year ladies!


Sadly the year did not start out happy for us. On New Years Day, I started to bleed. Just like that. One day you are happily in pregnancy land and suddenly you are standing in the kitchen thinking"that feels wetter than it should" and yet you convince yourself it's just normal discharge, but alas it wasn't.


I knew my HPTs had taken longer to darken. I know some put no stock in the shade of lines, but hanging out the same faintness for days  on end, just didn't sit right with me. But you know Christmas has a way of making you feel hopeful. I sailed through it smiling and happy and letting myself really BELIEVE.


I did have a momentary thought two days prior to the bleeding that perhaps my bloat was looking less, and the metallic taste was gone and well by 7 weeks I should be getting a little more something.


Anyways 7 weeks 3 days and I seemed to have passed the tissue and hopefully all will go well with the rest. I've cried a lot. Do you know how odd it is to walk out of a bathroom having just passed what you are sure is your baby and have your six year old ask if he can have one of his Christmas chocolates. So surreal, how we have to just keep on going.


My dh has been so very sweet and instantly told me we could try again.


I'm surprised, but instead of feeling total despair, I'm feeling some sense of hope. Maybe its the hormones going crazy but  I hope it lasts. I got pregnant 3 times this past  year and m/c 3 times. In my life I have now lost 7 babies that I know of. Two in the second trimester at 18 and 19 weeks. That's enough for any one person don't you think? This last time was just on the heals of weaning my 2 year old. Not even a full cycle weaned, so I guess I'm trying to convince myself that next time, is going to be it. Maybe it's silly, but at this moment I just feel like there is another baby who IS going to join our family late this year. I hope my feeling is right.


I pray 2011, brings much happiness and healthy pregnancies and babies to us all.

contactmaya's Avatar contactmaya 02:42 PM 01-03-2011

Beachlover, i am so sorry. greensad.gifhug2.gif


At the same time, i also understand your optimism. What you say makes sense. A friend of mine irl (in her late 30's) miscarried several times in the year she was ttc. She eventually went to see an RE and found she was pregnant at the appointment. This one was a keeper though, twins. They are due one month from now.

Apparently, one is more fertile after a miscarriage.


May this year bring the baby you are trying for.

contactmaya's Avatar contactmaya 03:00 PM 01-03-2011

Buzzerbeater, welcome as our  new thread keeper.


Me-no news in this case is bad news-bfn. Ok, i only took it on day 10, but today  13dpo, af is here. I am not at all surprised. I am so so glad i didnt get my hopes up. I mean, i felt so pregnant, bloated, hungry, tired. Talk about cellular memory. But i knew better-high progesterone from the  having several follicles that the pure fsh injectibles helped grow-useless follicles it turns out. (i still love you follicles, you gave me two beautiful children)


So thats it, i know my egg quality is not good anymore. Maybe i could improve it. 


I plan on taking dhea for the next few cycles. But im not really that optimistic.


However, i finally signed up to pved.org (the link you gave me Buzzerbeater, for those interested in egg donation/or embryo donation) in the hopes of finding a donor embryo. I am ready right now to start this journey. I just have no idea how to find someone willing to donate. I did finally register on the forum, but it seems very quiet. Not sure where to go from here-ring a bunch of clinics? I dont know. I didnt need to ring the moderator to register. Im kind of afraid of ringing her, i dont know, this is all so new.


Happy new year everyone!

Buzzer Beater's Avatar Buzzer Beater 04:52 PM 01-03-2011

hug2.gif Beachlover. I hope your feeling is right too. 

Stealthee's Avatar Stealthee 05:04 PM 01-03-2011

Happy New Year!!!  May 2011 be a joyous and fertile year for us all.


I haven't been on MDC for a long time (when did it get revamped?) but I used to be a regular on the 40+ threads when I was TTC #1 in 2008-2009.  I turned 42 last week and I'm ready to TTC #2.  My DS is 11 months old and I'm still BF and haven't gotten PPAF yet, but I'm hoping that she's just around the corner.  It'll be the first time in a long time that I'll be happy to see her.


TTC #1 was a hard road- we were dealing with MFI in addition to the age factor- but after 20 months, 2 rounds of IVF, one chemical pregnancy, one m/c at 10.5 weeks, lots of supplements, herbs, fertility yoga, acupuncture, femoral massage, visualization, prayer and lifestyle changes we naturally conceived our DS.  Now, for some reason, I feel very hopeful that this time around it'll be easy. 


I look forward to getting reacquainted with some familiar folks and meeting some new ones.




ETA:  Beachlover, I'm so sorry for your loss.  You are strong beyond words, mama.

Kristin0105's Avatar Kristin0105 12:35 PM 01-04-2011

Beachlover and gumblossom I am sorry for your losses. I found chinese medicine critical to my recovery after my m/c last year. The hormone changes really had me our of whack emotionally and TCM helped keep me stable and get me back to normal. Take good care of yourselves.


I am on CD10 yay!!!! Finally ended my last cycle. I am so thrilled to have a new beginning for a new year. I am foolishly optimistic, not really sure why. I turn 45 tomorrow but I feel like 25 (just finished 65 minutes on my nordic track!)  and I remain optimistic. I am hoping if I don't conceive naturally to pursue alternatives possibly embryo adoption if needed. So I look forward going into this new year. 


Hope this new year is a good one for every one. Oh and BB I'll be first in line for the fertility idol if you decide to play the game. I like the idea sounds like fun.

gardeneraholic's Avatar gardeneraholic 01:06 PM 01-04-2011

Hi my name is Alicia. I'm trying ttc 3# . Beachlover and gumblossom though I don't know you I am sorry about your M/C . I have had only on in my life so I have an inkling of what it is like. I'm looking forward to learning more about ttc and getting to know the ttcer's on the forum .I hope the best for everyone this year and we get our BFP s with a baby at the end of nine months.Alicai/ Gardeneraholic 

Buzzer Beater's Avatar Buzzer Beater 01:21 PM 01-04-2011

Welcome to our thread gardeneraholic. May your stay here be short and fruitful!



I am making the list for pass the goddess game! It is posted on the front page with directions for new people. I will start by sending the goddess to Kristin0105... send me a pm and I will add you to the list.



ps I think I will buy a map to put her in and we can put ourselves on it with a heart or something. Then we can see where all she has been.

WaturMama's Avatar WaturMama 03:01 PM 01-04-2011

Oh Beachlover, I am so sorry.hug2.gif Also am glad you were feeling hopeful when you wrote, and know our emotions about this topic can ebb and flow. I love your description of your 6-year old's request as you left the bathroom. That is such a mama moment in all it's wild-craziness, wonderfulness, difficulty.


Stealthee! Glad to see you here. How amazing that your ds is 11 months old! May his sibling come soon.


Welcome, gardeneraholic!!


Kristin, happy eve of your birthday. I'm glad you are feeling optimistic.


ContactMaya, sorry about AF.


AFM I am 10 dpo, super achy tingly breasts. !!  I had them 2 days ago too, but not yesterday (just a little itchy--*there's* plenty of info for you!), so yesterday I was down, today I'm up. Oh it is hard to ignore symptoms that are so distracting. Of course this is making it hard to keep up the adoption research. I'm trying to keep it all in the pot of possibility. I'm also finding the embryo adoption idea intriguing.


gumblossom's Avatar gumblossom 04:24 PM 01-04-2011

Hi ladies, glad I found you.


Beachlover, I'm so sorry for your loss. It is awful feeling pregnant and happy only to have the baby leave you. I think my heartbreak is also due to the fact that my DH doesn't want to ttc again. He keeps saying we are lucky to have the healthy kids we have , and I agree, but it doesn't mean I have any less love for a new baby. I just have a strong feeling that we are meant to have one more child to complete our family, he feels that we did have it, but it isn't here with us.


 I will go to acupuncture next week, because I'd like to think I can get my cycle back to normal fairly quickly.I'm worried that the operation I had to remove the pregnancy may have been quite aggressive as I have had NO bleeding at all. Is that normal? I can't see the surgeon/obstetrician until next Wednesday. I hope there's been no damage and that if I get the opportunity,I'll be able to conceive again. I'm not ready to give up that dream yet.


All the best wishes for a wonderful,fertile,productive 2011(a new decade already!)shamrocksmile.gif

WaturMama's Avatar WaturMama 05:50 PM 01-04-2011

Hi gumblossom. I had bleeding after I had what I'm guessing was a similar procedure, though later in the pg. I don't know what typical is. That seems worth a call to the doctor's office.


The acupuncture sounds like a really supportive idea.


I know the feeling of my family not feeling complete and my dh having a different opinion. It seems so strange to me that we would feel different about that. I hope you two find a way with that which gives both of you peace and satisfaction.

Stealthee's Avatar Stealthee 06:56 PM 01-04-2011

Gumblossom:  I'm new here, but want to say how sorry I am for your loss, especially since your DH doesn't want to TTC anymore.   It does seem unusual that there wasn't any bleeding at all after your procedure, but hopefully it's normal.  I had a natural miscarriage at 10.5 weeks and after passing the POC, I only spotted a tiny amount for a few days afterward- less than a pantyliner's worth per day.  I remember being surprised at how little blood there was after the m/c itself.   Acupuncture sounds like a great idea.


LitMama's Avatar LitMama 11:36 PM 01-04-2011

Beachlover, I'm so so sorry for your loss hug2.gif It's really heartening to hear that you're able to reach down and find some hope. I also loved your story about your son... it's one of those sweet, awful, funny, surreal life moments. I remember the last chemical pg I had (so an earlier loss than yours), my bleeding started in the bathroom at work and I had to teach a class about 10 minutes later (no way to wiggle out of that one). It was very surreal and yet somehow good to pull me back into life. I'm sending healing wishes your way.


Gumblossom, I'm sorry the physical part of this has been difficult and puzzling, and I'm especially sorry about you and your DH not being in alignment about this. That must be so hard. Acupuncture can only help the physical as well as the spiritual healing. hug2.gif


Welcome, Gardeneraholic!


Kristin, so glad you are feeling some positive vibes. orngbiggrin.gif Happy almost-birthday!


Stealthee, welcome back! I think I remember you from before. Congratulations on your babe and may the new LO join your family soon! I love your picture.


WaturMama, I'm wishing you well with both the senso-boobs and the adoption research!


BuzzerBeater, thank you for posting the rules for the goddess game! I'd love to join in. I saw an ancient fertility goddess recently in a museum and was very moved by her (and by a culture that would conjure her into existence and daily utility). I asked a friend who is an artist to help me make one.


AFM, I'm 10dpo and still in the land of post-surgery recovery. I've developed a somewhat resistant infection and am on my 2nd round of antibiotics for it (yikes!). They're all pg-safe drugs, but between that and the painkillers and the fevers, I'm not placing any wagers on this month's outcome. DH and I both just want my body to heal, and to worry about ttc later. And yet, we did try this month (somewhat regrettably, in retrospect), and now I have a few possible signs... a strong temp dip at 7dpo, a few tugging sensations that day, and slightly tingly boobs yesterday and today. It's all probably nothing, but I do find it amazing how hope comes creeping in every month around this time... 

Karalina's Avatar Karalina 01:24 AM 01-05-2011

I am new here tho not to the boards. I just miscarriaged over Christmas too, I was 9 weeks along- my first after being so lucky to have three babies. The holidays seemed like the worst or the best time to have a m/c. I haven't decided yet-- but I have decided I am certifiably depressed. I am so tired and so lethargic- I think it is just my way of taking care of myself. I am trying to exercise and get outside and eat healthily and all of that, and be grateful for what I do have- which is so so much-- but God, I really wanted this particular baby. I know what everyone means about how it hurts when people say "Oh, you can try again" or "it wasn't meant to be". Well, thanks! That makes me feel  alot better!

 I loved that baby, and now I am afraid I will never get the chance to meet him or her.

This is one question I don't think I could ask anyone (except maybe my husband) "If we ttc again, will the same little baby soul come back to me? "  Of course, no one can know the answer but if I knew it were yes, I would definitely try again. Has anyone else thought about this?

I am so so sorry for your losses Gunblossum and Beachlover. Beachlover, you are amazing. I could not have lived through all you have been through. I am so sorry it has been so hard for you. You have a wonderful attitude and are an inspiration to me.

And GumBlossom, I am sorry your husband doesn't want to ttc again. My husband has been supportive of ttc again, and that has helped me so much.  Maybe your DH will change his mind?

I have read and searched on several threads and several forums and this one seems right. It's the first one I've reached out to. Thank you for being here. I haven't even reached out much to my family and not at all to my friends- I just don't think anyone can understand where I am right now- except you all who are living it. BTW, I am turning 45 next week.

Buzzer Beater- I'd love to join in the game but I am utterly confused.

gumblossom's Avatar gumblossom 03:33 AM 01-05-2011

Karalina, I am so sorry for your loss. It really does feel sad that our babies couldn't come to us.


I don't know if you have read "Spirit Babies" by Walter Makichen http://www.amazon.com/Spirit-Babies-Communicate-Child-Youre/dp/0385338120? I love it. He talks about our spirit babies choosing us, and sometimes not feeling ready to come to us in early pregnancy. I'm not sure i entirely agree with him, but do like the idea that our babies choose us, and have felt that to be true. I guess that is why I find it so hard to accept that my childbearing journey may be over.I think ttc would help with my grief.


I'm resolving to take good care of myself physically,just in case, and I still hold onto hope...

contactmaya's Avatar contactmaya 07:10 AM 01-05-2011

karalina, i have thought about this question too.  I believe that you know. I believe it makes sense that if you have a miscarriage, that the next time you get pregnant, its the same soul waiting around for the right time. I dont know, because these are things we can never know intellectually, but you can know in your soul.


I think about the time when i was 24 and had an abortion. (im sorry to mention that here) I often think of that child to be's soul. I remember making a pact with him/her, saying, when i was ready, to come back.


Buzzerbeater, i know how you feel about the disbelief when it comes to losing your fertility (or maybe losing it).  Our whole lives, we know that we can have babies. We spend our lives plotting and planning, going on birth control,  waiting until  'the right time' which never seems to come. WEorrying about getting pregnant. I remember my friend at high school panicking about being pregnant. I remember myself doing the same. We spend forever trying to trick our bodies into being infertile, so that we can control our lives. And then, suddenly, its gone. You cant have babies anymore.  It was a fleeting moment.


I know i might seem optimistic about everything, and i try to be. But this heavy realization is getting me in the gut right now. Embryo  donation seems to difficult. 

Is it really true that i cant have babies anymore?   I just cant stand  the thought of that right now. 



Buzzer Beater's Avatar Buzzer Beater 07:58 AM 01-05-2011

 LitMama you are really amazing. Any time I've had any kind of surgery my body and psyche have felt so wounded... I am like a lost and crippled animal or something. And there you are plugging away...


contactmaya you have put in to words remarkably what we all here feel so deeply. I wonder too about all of our reproductive pasts and the choices we've had to make- career/relationship/school/birth control etc. And probably some choices to not continue pregnancies at certain points for some of us. I could mess my head up wondering. I spent 5 years in this relationship positive I was done having kids- I'd thought that since 1991 for gosh sake. Then bammo- epiphany too late. But I am going to hold onto this feeling that I have, there is another child in my life and I will find her. I hope it is a pg for me, but if not it may be adoption. I am on the boards looking for a child in China with club foot. We know how to do club foot in this house... and over there they do not always get the proper care for something so easily fixed. Many families will put their children in orphanages hoping for a better life for their babes if they cannot afford help. I am wondering strongly now if that's my path, if dd2 is my link to my third child.

Kristin0105's Avatar Kristin0105 08:27 AM 01-05-2011

Thank you for the pre-birthday wishes. Contactmaya you put into words something I think about I spent my adult life planning, busy, too busy trying to save other peoples children to make the time to have my own. I feel so fortunate that I got lucky and had my dd so easily but now I want more! I want another baby so badly it hurts. My dd wants a sibling (some days). How could I have been so foolish to not realize my fertility was not going to last forever? I thought I was good until I was 50 but the last three years have proven me wrong on that matter. But I feel so young. I feel 25, why isn't my body cooperating with me? ;) But I feel optimistic I feel like a baby is in my future. If I don't conceive naturally, I will consider options, I'll remortgage my house or something to do it. On one hand I don't want to give up hope on myself but on another hand I feel the need to be realistic and say okay at some point in the future I need to say this is the line in the sand and now it's time to step over it and try this other option. my eggs or donor eggs would be my first choice but probably out of my price range so embryo adoption seems like such a good choice. I like the idea of nurturing the baby from day1, so to speak. I'll know how well it was cared for and loved. I'll be able to nurse the baby. It seems like such a good option and affordable one compared to the other choices. 


But, I an hopelessly optimistic about my chances so I don't know at what point I will be able to draw the line in the sand.  So today I celebrate my life, how rich it is, how lucky I am to have my dd, and I am off to spend an hour with my nordic track and then go swim for 1 hour, in celebration of how strong my body is and how thankful I am for it. And maybe just a little bronx cheer to turning 45 and I can still do these amazing things! 

WaturMama's Avatar WaturMama 10:15 AM 01-05-2011

Happy Birthday Kristin!!!!!partytime.gif


I love all the musings today.


Welcome, Karolina! It sounds like you had a strong connection to a spirit in your pregnancy. I am so sorry for your loss. I had a strong connection to a spirit--it was like a tangible person's energy--in 2007 when I had a miscarriage. That was a very tough loss. And yet, I had felt that dear spirit so strongly and it seemed that I had a role in giving it the mothering it needed at that little time. So I was also grateful I could be part of that process and that I that connection. I have had many chemical pregnancies and one miscarriage since. Sometimes I feel a spirit and sometimes I don't, rarely as strongly except. One time I felt that same one again. My sense of it is that they can come back but don't always. I do trust that they are on their perfect paths and we play a role in giving them some love and mothering along the way.


Litmama, I'm glad you're on the mend. I know what you mean about how easily hope can sneak in.


AFM, I am so confused. Yesterday and 3 days ago I had intense symptoms, today and 2 days ago not as much (except that my boobs are still clearly bigger, and I guess I'm not too far into today). My temp this morning was 97.9. At 11dpo I don't think that is a pregnancy temperature greensad.gif. I did start taking baby aspirin a few days ago. I wonder if that could effect things? A friend suggested it. Apparently it can help with fertility--helping the blood flow in the uterus. I bounced it off my TCM provider and she liked the idea for me. It is weird to be putting something with a lot of artificial stuff in my body when I am so careful what I put in my body, but I do like that I am trying something new. I'm going to go do some research on how it effects the temperature.

Karalina's Avatar Karalina 11:59 AM 01-05-2011




  I have tears streaming down my face as I write this. You have no idea how much your post means to me. I feel like  at least one person understands what I feel. I think that is one reason this m/c has been so hard and painful for me, because I don't think anyone really can know what I feel. I see you clearly do.  Thank you.

I felt this baby's connection to me. I was totally caught off guard when I started bleeding. If I dare get so personal here- my history is like this- I have 3 boys, I am a stay at home mom- absolutely LOVE being a mother and staying at home, and I can relate to the earlier musings of how we may have wasted precious fertile years being unsure-- I wish I had started earlier and had more children. I didn't start having kids until 34 and that was an accident (thank god for that "accident"!) Ever since my third was born, I have been craving another one. EVERYONE tries to talk you out of having more or having  a baby in your 40's-- so I rationalized  my desires away- I got rid of all of my baby stuff and thought I was "moving on". But every time I would see a baby or toddler and really connect, I would burst out into tears. I would make sure to never go near a baby because I had such strong emotions. My husband and I don't use birth control, per se, just the pullout method before I've ovulated because we both always felt if it was meant to be and happened that way, it would be fine. Well, in November, while making love, my DH didn't pull out! I quickly let him know I hadn't ovulated and he said "I know. I just know how badly you want another baby, so I thought we'd try for one."   Well, needless to say, he stole my heart again right then and there. So with only one shot, I got pregnant. I just knew it was meant to be and I felt a strong connection with the baby and the love that made this baby the whole time. I just felt with a story like that, it would all be fine. And maybe it will all be fine, and I am just unable to see it for now.


I think you really put my feelings into words, that I had a connection with this baby. So simple and so true but I hadn't seen it that way before now, and of course, it makes total sense. I love the way you see that you mothered and nurtured your little one for the time you had together and that you have helped him/ her on to their right path. Isn't that what mothering is all about? But so hard for me. I thrive on the nurturing, but the letting go is oh so hard.


When I read the posts here, I am overcome with this image:


All of us holding hands in a line, walking forward together to our future, towards what we so deeply desire.


I am really so happy and so relieved to have found all of you.

WaturMama's Avatar WaturMama 12:38 PM 01-05-2011

Karalina, that touched my heart so much and got me teary too. I'm so glad my post was supportive, and it is good for me hearing someone else has had a similar experience, too. That loss was also hard because it was really only my loss. Nobody else lost that connection. When my dh and ds were out of the house I would have a good sob to get some of the sadness out. Talking to the baby spirit was also really helpful. We also had a ritual for her. My dh and ds (he was 2 at the time) were involved with that. They did have a loss too, but it was quite different.


That is an amazing story of how your little one was conceived. It just seems clear there was some purpose in that. It does seem like hard as it is something with all that love must be fine in the big picture. My heart goes out to you and I hope before long it all makes sense.


I love the image you have to go with this group.

Karalina's Avatar Karalina 02:33 PM 01-05-2011

Thanks WaturMama-

We are going to do a ceremony for our little one. We have a rosebush to plant and we will all say something.

Our boys (10, 7, 3 ) think we should try one more time. So I am hoping after this terrible depression and heaviness lifts, I will have the fortitude to try again. I am waiting for my period now-- then we hopefully will ttc.

Good luck this month.

BTW, is there a reference for all the abbreviations? Some are easier than others to figure out!

Love to everyone -----

gumblossom's Avatar gumblossom 03:29 PM 01-05-2011

Ladies I know what you mean about regretting the time wasted during our fertile years. Although I do have a large family (and it may appear that I'm being greedy), after my 4th baby my husband had a vasectomy. I was 34 at the time and didn't know I wasn't done. I thought I was. So it was years until I realized that I wanted more babies. When my DH agreed to a vasectomy reversal, I sometimes think he might have done it thinking it wouldn't work. He loves our son very much, but I know he would have just been happy with four. It's hard to not feel regret for so much. I wish I had known when I got married that I would want a large family. We didn't discuss family size at all, but even if we had, I wouldn't have known how important it was to me.


It's also really hard to shake the feeling that I now feel that my family is incomplete.


The loss of fertility is really cruel isn't it? We feel young enough, we take good care of our bodies, but the eggs won't necessarily cooperate!


I hope we can all get our happy ending. I thought mine would happen in July, it is really hard letting it go.

music.mama.pdx's Avatar music.mama.pdx 11:49 PM 01-05-2011

It's been quite nice to read all these posts - I impressed and inspired but all the support and warmth shown towards each other. It's so true that community makes all the difference in our lives.


I wanted to check in and say hi. I haven't posted for awhile, but I'm still TTC at age 44. I'm 10 DPO and patiently waiting to see if I get my BFP. I may not try too much longer, I just don't know how old is too old (for me that is). 


Sending all of you good thoughts, positive baby vibes and joy in 2011.

LitMama's Avatar LitMama 09:35 AM 01-06-2011

Welcome, Karalina, and thank you for your thoughtful and heart-ful post. I'm so sorry for your loss.


Welcome back, Music.mama.pdx!


I really appreciate the conversation that's going on right now. In the same spirit, I just had to share this article with you all. I heard the author speaking on NPR yesterday and was moved to seek out the full article. This is a really amazing, thoughtful, and thought-provoking article written by a mother who used third-party reproduction. Her musings on the value of a family created collaboratively by many people is beautiful and inspiring.


Meet the Twiblings (by Melanie Thernstrom): http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/magazine/02babymaking-t.html


Hugs to all!

Karalina's Avatar Karalina 11:29 AM 01-06-2011

Wow! LitMama-- I just wanted to peruse the article you mentioned above but I have been GLUED to the story for the last 30 minutes and put it on my facebook page and sent it out to everyone I thought would read it on my email. What a wonderful story and wonderful way of looking at life. It makes me want to donate my eggs- but am I too old?  All of the stories of people wanting to conceive and the effort they will put into it makes me definitely want to try once more to concieve myself. I just feel like I couldn't go through another miscarriage- but what is life without risk? and the pay off would be incredible if I didn't miscarry.  I was thinking this morning how I just need to be brave and if things didn't work out, at least I'll have known that I tried, and won't look back at this time with regret. It's all in your outlook and attitude, just like in the article. Gratitude and an open heart- what beautiful things.

Love to all of you.

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