Anyone's heart break when they see someone else get pregnant? Unsupportive DH? - Mothering Forums
Trying To Conceive > Anyone's heart break when they see someone else get pregnant? Unsupportive DH?
firsttimettc's Avatar firsttimettc 10:19 AM 03-30-2012

Does anyone else's heart drop when you hear ANOTHER one of your friends is pregnant?  My DH is pretty unsupportive of us TTC and it took me 2 YEARS to finally get him to the place to BD with me with no BC!  We have been TTC officially with temping and charting just this month, but been off BC since Jan. 2012.  And he seriously thinks I'm crazy for being so emotionally invested in this.  Last night, we found out two couples that we are friends with are pregnant with their SECOND child(ren). Both of these girls are younger than me and we all got married at the same time and we all met at the same place.  I took this rather hard and moped around for about an hour.  My DH said I was in a "jealous rage"!  I was like, what?!??!  I'm lying on the bed, not even crying and you think I am in a jealous rage?!?

 

Anyways, I need to vent, thank God for this forum.  He doesn't want us telling a lot of people we are TTC, so this is my main method of "support" or being able to vent.  Anyone else in the same boat?  Does anyone have any suggestions for my unsupportive DH?  I feel like making him watch one of those movies where the main female character knows her clock is ticking and all she sees is pregnant people all over or babies and thats all she wants and she goes crazy trying to get pregnant.  I know there are a lot of movies out there like this, I just want my DH to see that I am not crazy if I get upset because I am not pregnant yet.  There should be a manual for DH's that are TTCing!!!!

 

Ughhh.........thanks to anyone who read this.  Just writing this out makes me feel better.  Baby dust to all!!!!!!!! 



indie1976's Avatar indie1976 11:29 AM 03-30-2012

you are definitely not alone when it comes to sad/jealous feelings about friends getting pregnant while you are waiting for your turn! and you are also not alone with a dh who is not as comforting around this subject as you would hope he'd be!

 

generally speaking (there are always exceptions) men tend value an easy going, harmonious vibe at home... one of the biggest payoffs of getting married for men is to be able to relax into the relationship and to enjoy an uncomplicated emotional environment that they can literally "take for granted" (not necessarily in a bad way, but in a comfortable, not-walking-on-eggshells sort of way). so when ttc brings up these complicated feelings in you, and especially when he is less invested in the desire-to-procreate-department, he is likely feeling that his happy, chill, low maintenance home environment is getting threatened - which leads him to say and do things that are exactly the opposite of comforting.

 

the good news is that ttc presents MANY (sometimes too many!) opportunities to "teach" your dh how to comfort you while at the same time learning how to stay balanced and not get too carried away for his sake. i found one of the best ways to handle this situation is to validate my emotions (like confidently telling him "what i'm feeling is completely normal. if you don't believe me go do some research for yourself.") and then at the same time reassuring him that i will not feel this way forever. i think that is their ultimate fear... that somehow our emotions will stay on this roller coaster and we'll never be happy again. even though WE know that is ridiculous... it's a real fear for them.


letileon's Avatar letileon 12:11 PM 03-30-2012

Of course! In the last month two of my friends have announced their pregnancies and I definitely feel...sad. I'm happy for them but I wish I was announcing my pregnancy too. It's totally normal, just try not to get too down about it. Easier said then done, I know!


travelmumma's Avatar travelmumma 04:07 PM 03-30-2012

Right there with you mumma!

Last week a good friend announced they were having their second baby. The first thing i did was cry. Not out of happiness. DH cracked it...

One thing that did make me feel better was DH saying "Its not like there is a shop of babies and they took the last one out of our arms. They didn't take our baby"

Still. I completely get it. I wish it was me that was announcing our pregnancy....

Terrible but true

xxxxooooo


heatherparker's Avatar heatherparker 04:22 PM 03-30-2012

firsttimettc - You and I are in exactly the same boat! It took me two years to convince DH to TTC. I think the only reason he agreed was because his sister got pregnant again and I was devastated. I wanted to be happy for her, and it made me feel like a selfish, bad person but I just didn't know how to cope with it. I want a baby so badly! He didn't really get why I was so unhappy, but decided that he didn't want to feel like the 'cause' of my unhappiness anymore.

 

He's still anxious about trying and I know he hopes that it won't happen for a long time. It's been seven or so months for us and I'm not temping because that stresses him out, too. It sounds counter intuitive, but the best thing I've come up with to help the situation is offer to stop trying for a month or two. He always agrees to take me up on it, but in the moment he doesn't want to use a condom so we keep trying orngtongue.gif 

 

Every situation is different, so this might not work for you, but I've found that if I am compassionate towards his feelings he is more compassionate towards mine. OTOH, when I got my period after a cycle when I was SURE I was pregnant he was no comfort! I think there might be some things husbands just can't understand!

 

Good luck with everything! I hope this is your cycle!


filiadeluna's Avatar filiadeluna 08:15 PM 03-31-2012

I am so there with you.  I have had several IRL friends announce their pregnancies (some their first, some second or even third) on Facebook recently, and while I am truly happy for them, it makes me insanely jealous and heartbroken that I am not one of those people who gets pregnant easily.  It took me 9 months to conceive DD.  Yes, I'm super lucky to have her as some people take even longer to have their first than I did (or can't have one at all).  However, we are TTC #2, and have been "officially" TTC for over a year now.  We have been "not preventing" for even longer (about another 1.5 years).  I get especially Green Eyed when I find out about people who are pregnant and didn't necessarily want to be/try to be, or people who say they tried one, two, three months and it happened that fast.  

My DH just doesn't get it.  He wants another kiddo pretty badly too, but he doesn't obsess about it like I do.  He told me that I "got crazy" when we were TTC #1, and recently he told me that I was obsessing too much this time too.  Well... freaking yeah!  I feel like time is running out because I'm already 29, and I want a BIG family (at least 4 kids, but I'm not talking a big family like the Duggars LOL).  So most of the time I just don't talk about it to him.  I vent to a couple of my friends about it, but they get sick of hearing it too.  And the hardest part of all is that I'm a Birth Doula and Childbirth Educator, so I spend lots of intimate one-on-one time with pregnant women and their significant others for a living!  I love it, but it is so hard to not wish I was in their position, especially since the vast majority of them end up with these amazing, natural, empowering births, and I had a very traumatic one (that's a whole other can of worms, though).

So... you are not alone in your situation.  :(


MsDolphin's Avatar MsDolphin 12:45 PM 04-03-2012

I get mixed emotions over other people's pregnancies, I am happy for them, but the selfish side of me is jealous (and I hate that, but I still feel it).

 

I too am lucky to have my DS, and I am SO thankful for the blessing he is, however we have been TTC #2 for over a year. Recently 2 friends announced PG with #2 and their #1 is about the same age as mine. *sigh*


dakipode's Avatar dakipode 01:28 PM 04-03-2012

I feel like I'm in a similar situation: DH is not terribly excited about kids and since officially starting TTC 3 months ago I think I finally got through to him this month how important it is to me that we "really" try, not just stop using BC.

I have a friend IRL who was successful on first try and now at week 24 and she's been so supportive of me all along, she's the only one I've confided in about this whole enterprise. Strangely I find myself not jealous of her.

But the other day I was at a store I frequent and found out one of the gals is pregnant and while I usually bear no one any ill will I wanted to strangle her. I was horrified at myself for thinking such awful thoughts!

I married a man 9 years older than I am and I remember thinking/hoping when we met that since he was already older maybe he'd want kids sooner... He believed, because one of his friends got pregnant first try, that everyone gets pregnant the day they make the decision to TTC so he wanted to put this off as long as possible. Now, 3 years past my imaginary self-imposed deadline for #1, he has finally agreed!

I also know I want more than one. Yes, I know, everyone says wait till you have #1 before you decide on more, but trust me, I've known this since I was 6 years old. And now I'm secretly hoping that when we do finally succeed we can have twins so I won't have to nag him for another 3 years for #2...


newtoTTC's Avatar newtoTTC 01:58 PM 04-03-2012

I can completely sympathize.  My best friend and I started TTC within a month of each other and she got pregnant first month and we are now on month 8 TTC, as well as another of my good friends the next month.  I am so happy for her but at the same time it is so hard to see her where I want to be.  It doesn't help that she was never really super passionate about having kids, for years wasnt planning on having any and then had a "if we can great if not oh well" attitude and I have known since I can remember that I want to be a mother.  She has even said "it wasnt supposed to happen this fast!" in relation to having to change plans for this summer because she wasnt expecting to be so pregnant.  It seems like every time I have AF there are babies and pregnant women everywhere.  I have honestly almost been in tears in the middle of a store a few times.  Travelmumma I love your quote, it is a good way to think of it.    I am so happy for all of my friends, I just want a little one of my own to play with theirs!


firsttimettc's Avatar firsttimettc 03:41 PM 04-03-2012

Thanks for all of the replies! I LOVE reading them and makes me feel less alone.  It's hard to say what is straight jealously for me or just feeling sad that its not me getting pregnant yet.  I am very happy for my friends, SIL's and everyone who is blessed with children.  I just am hoping and praying that it will be my time soon.  Many of you mentioned that we as females knew we wanted to have children when we were children ourselves! This is something I've tried to stress to my DH as well.  It's like his brain doesn't go there and I litterally have to force him to think of these things.  It's so exhausting TTC, and we've only been without BC since January, seriously trying the past 2 months! I can't imagine how anyone can handle this for longer!  Ugghh....well baby dust to all, I just got a BFN at 8 DPO, I'm getting really down!  


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