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#121 of 160 Old 06-10-2012, 07:14 PM
 
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I actually followed through with making myself some new cloth pads to "welcome" the possibility of AF's visit next week:

 

cloth pads.JPG

 

Not beautiful, but functional: one layer flannel, a thick terrycloth soaker, and fleece backing. But honestly, I will be so happy NOT to use these!


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#122 of 160 Old 06-10-2012, 09:33 PM
 
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So, I am posting again on the subject of chaos. Last night I came to grips with this chaos monster looming in my future in the form of a chaotic work schedule this fall. And yesterday a huge wildfire erupted near where I live. Chaos everywhere and there is very little I can do, but move forward. Although, in the case of wildfire, I'd really like to burrow under my covers because the smoke that has drifted from the foothills into my town is burning my nose and brain. And maybe sitting still is part of moving forward because you still have to breath (again, difficult in my situation). 

 

No real conclusions tonight....

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#123 of 160 Old 06-11-2012, 09:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Brambleberry, I really like your pads! So smart to use a deep red. No stains (duh). And I think they're beautiful. I love that you used making them as a way to embrace one of your possible outcomes.

 

ClumsySugarPlum, sorry and frightened for you about the fire . . . life is so very fragile at every stage. Hopefully it will burn itself out without too much damage and make room for new life.

 

I am on a lovely family vacation and it is really helping with this first stage of the 2ww. I'm thinking of not temping after I confirm 'O. Today was my first day of a really high temp so I kind of just want to stop there. I probably will temp a couple more days just so FF will give me an O date, then stop so I can stop obsessing. In the past I have analyzed every temp.

 

I'm also preparing for my big interview and practicing embracing many possible outcomes. Sometimes it's hard work!

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#124 of 160 Old 06-11-2012, 09:48 AM
 
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All, after my chemical pregnancy, I'm feeling really sensitive to loss. Any suggestions for reframing life's challenges when it feels like the universe is playing whack a mole with you?

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#125 of 160 Old 06-11-2012, 06:47 PM
 
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So sorry WritingLove! I hope you're looking after yourself and giving yourself a lot of space and time to process this experience. I watched Fierce Grace the other night and all I gotta say is wow. I broke down and cried near the end because some of the things being said just wrung so true for me. I wasn't crying out of grief but for just pure understanding and connection to what I know to be true. Such a powerful documentary.

 

Congrats SophieAnn! It's always great to be able to celebrate that you feel gross! Wishing you an uneventful 9 months!

 

As for me... I am 11 DPO. This has been the easiest 2 ww since I switched gears and stopped obsessing. I did however have a few stressful days and went through a bit of an emotional rollercoaster yesterday. I live in China and work at an elementary school for ex-pats. By 11 am I could smell a burning smell coming from outside. I figured it was just someone burning garbage (an all too-common occurrence). I went to the Chinese teaching assistant and asked her to tell the maintenance crew not to burn during school hours (who knows what they're burning and how toxic it is). She told me it wasn't the school, it was another property. This was gross smoke, it was yellow and thick and got worse. It burned your eyes and your throat. I didn't like what was happened so I told the other teachers to keep their students inside their classrooms (the smoke was in the halls because all the windows and doors to outside were open with 30'c weather).  I found out the smoke was also appearing at my home 20 minutes away. A frantic Chinese friend got a hold of me and told me that it was a factory explosion and that the air was tainted with Chlorine gas...and that it was too dangerous to go outside which I could believe because it was so thick and yellow and irritating to the eyes and lungs. At the end of the school day the air was a little better but it was still tainted. I had to drive home in it (my boyfriend was waiting for me at the apartment with a gas mask). All I could think of all day was "What if I'm pregnant!?!" When I got home I took a hpt and it was bfn at 10 dpo. It was the first time I almost felt relieved to have a bfn. Today the air is much better, the gas obviously blew away overnight (which is also depressing considering it's not gone, just in a new place). I am struggling to find a calm in this. I want to believe that the chances are minimal that anything occurred but it is still scary... I'm not hoping for a bfn but can't help but feel like if there was ever a time I was supposed to get one, it's a good cycle to be totally ok with that. I am grateful that I will be back in Canada in less than three weeks (I'm scheduled to O on the plane! ha ha ha oh universe) where I will have access to clean air and clean food. If anything, this experience has just made me really grateful for what I have access too and very sad for those who do not have the options I do.

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#126 of 160 Old 06-12-2012, 07:28 AM
 
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So, I am posting again on the subject of chaos. Last night I came to grips with this chaos monster looming in my future in the form of a chaotic work schedule this fall. And yesterday a huge wildfire erupted near where I live. Chaos everywhere and there is very little I can do, but move forward. Although, in the case of wildfire, I'd really like to burrow under my covers because the smoke that has drifted from the foothills into my town is burning my nose and brain. And maybe sitting still is part of moving forward because you still have to breath (again, difficult in my situation). 

 

No real conclusions tonight....

Clumsy - Are you in Colorado? I live south of Denver & know that there is a big fire burning up north near Ft. Collins. Regardless, hope that you and your family are safe and things are getting under control. Hang in there!

 

AFM - I'm pretty sure that I O'd yesterday - temp dip & positive OPK. We'll see. Wasn't able to get DH to dtd last night (he was pretty beat), but did the night before & I'm sure I can seduce him tonight ;)  I'm actually feeling pretty good about this cycle. I would love to get the bfp, but I'm OK if I don't. I feel like I'm starting to get some things together and it's OK if I don't get pregnant right away. DS & I are starting our time together with playdates & maybe some trips to the gym. I'm really trying to clean up my eating & want to basically eliminate alcohol from my diet. It's been a problem this year. Not to a point where I feel that I need help, but I've relied on it much too much for stress relief. So far, so good. 

 

Hope everyone else is having a good start to the week. 


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#127 of 160 Old 06-12-2012, 03:35 PM
 
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Clumsy - One thing about chaos is that it can be both a destructive or a creative force. 

 

zenquaker - good luck with the interviews! 

 

writinglove - I am so sorry.  I don't know what to say about the cosmic whack-a-mole situation other than to just let yourself feel what you feel.  

 

nattery - holy cow.  It does make your heart ache for all those children exposed to air pollution and sometimes lead on a daily basis.  And I'm so sorry and embarrassed for our (the USA's) role in it. Still bfn or are you waiting a little longer to test again?

 

mayday - have fun with the baby dancing!

 

AFM - I successfully refrained from testing today (10dpo).  That's all. 


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#128 of 160 Old 06-12-2012, 09:46 PM
 
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SophieAnn, congratulations! Wishing you all the best in your pregnancy!

 

Sorry I've been gone quite a bit, ladies. Staying away has helped me stay sane. I know not to expect O for another couple of days or so and I'm trying hard not to obsess about BDing at the "right" time.

 

maydaymom10 and Clumsy, I'm in New Mexico. Talk about fires... One of my very cynical friends said: "Well at least we don't have much left to burn, we've got that going for us."

 

So I'm gearing up to O and I've been oscillating between "feeling" like this is my month and "feeling" like it won't happen and I should just reconcile myself with that thought now. I'm not sure how to stay hopeful and sane at the same time. I don't want to be disappointed again so if I resign myself now I can spare the trouble, right? And at the same time I feel like that would not be honoring my body, not giving it the time and space it needs to be ready to conceive. Does that make any sense? I don't know what I can do to stay positive and nurturing before I even O. I don't want to feel crushed again at the end of the month.

Anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks for letting me share and giving me the space to be in a funk.


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#129 of 160 Old 06-13-2012, 07:25 AM
 
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dakipode - I totally get that feeling, as I've been feeling that way this month as well. For me I think it's a way of protecting myself for disappointment again at the end of the month. I've been trying to focus on doing things for myself that will make me healthier for when I do get the bfp. It's been awhile since I'd been able to really focus on working out. I'm trying to clean up my diet. I've decided I'm going to treat the next 2 weeks as if I were pregnant, which for me means no alcohol and limiting caffeine. I'm also trying to get out of the house with ds and connect with others who have kids the same age. Hang in there. It might get better once you get closer to O'ing again.

 

AFM - Now I'm almost positive that I O'd 2 days ago. I really wanted to dtd last night to try to catch the egg since dh wasn't in the mood the previous night, even though I'm feeling similar to dakipode that it just wasn't going to happen this month. Initially dh wasn't into it, and I went to bed resigning myself to the fact that it wasn't going to happen this month. I was OK with it, but at the same time was really bummed. DH actually came around and we did some nice bd'ing biggrinbounce.gif  So, we'll see what happens. Again, I'd like to NOT obsess during this 2WW. 


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#130 of 160 Old 06-13-2012, 01:05 PM
 
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I should hug a tree after work. It actually gives me this solid sense of life and well-being. I look like a weirdo but I don't care. treehugger.gif:

 

love.gif  I love this - this, and being in the river, are my most spiritual moments - I just feel tapped into this enormous, ancient life force.  I need to put this on my to-do list!

 

I'm a bit out of place here, as we are not TTC.  But I had to let you know how beautiful your initial post was, zenquaker, and how much it has helped me!  I return to it (and this thread) often.

 

I haven't been charting, though I am newly interested in starting, to get to know my body better.  I do not even know if I'm fertile at all yet (still bf-ing 14 mo. DS, no PPAF) but I royally screwed up with the mini-pill this month (which, I hear, is not all that reliable to begin with!).

 

So now...trying to find the zen in waiting.  Waiting should be a calm period, by definition - nothing is happening.  If I can just sit in that quiet, air-filled space and breathe, I will be ok!  It's such an interesting moment - full of infinite possibilities - wide open.  Maybe need to do some chest-expanding yoga poses - that seems to help me stretch and embrace the world, instead of shutting down.

 

I certainly get way too cerebral with it - analyzing everything - and my ego kicks in, demanding to know, know, know - so I can direct my energy and thoughts in the "proper" direction. That's what gets me - the push and pull.  For most of you, I hear that it's a pull between daring to hope and guarding against disappointment.  For me, I ricochet back and forth from worry and stress to trying to be positive and welcoming - not wanting to disrespect my body by wishing for BFN if there is something going on, but not wanting to overanalyze and invent something to prepare for either - ah!  It's so hard.

 

Ultimately, I'm coming to peace with what will be, will be.  om.gif  I had to let you know, though, that you all have been instrumental in this process!  (all crazy confessed, I just took a test today at what I think would be 5 or 6 dpo - trying to do better, trying to relinquish it to the universe!)

 

I am trying to simply notice any unusual "sensations" as they appear (not look for them, not google them, etc.) - just sit with them, not commit to any one cause (who knows what my body could be telling me!  These sensations can mean so many different things, it's silly).  I'm also applying your approach to temps to these - once I notice them, I say, "Thank you, body!" and blow them away on a kiss.  This also helps me feel less silly/obsessive/paranoid.  If there is something going on, I'll know eventually.  If there is not, I needn't feel like a fool - and I've engaged in some meaningful personal work toward peace. thumb.gif

 

So thank you all so much!  And I wish you a peaceful and prosperous path.  stillheart.gif


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#131 of 160 Old 06-13-2012, 01:26 PM
 
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I am trying to simply notice any unusual "sensations" as they appear (not look for them, not google them, etc.) - just sit with them, not commit to any one cause (who knows what my body could be telling me!  These sensations can mean so many different things, it's silly).  I'm also applying your approach to temps to these - once I notice them, I say, "Thank you, body!" and blow them away on a kiss. 

 

... and I love this! thank you for joining and sharing. What a beautiful way to practice mindfulness and self-compassion with your fertility.

 

This year I have been trying to wake up more to life and channel more positive energy, and be more compassionate to resist my ingrained and frankly unhealthy perfectionism. Your sentiment is very inspiring to me as a way to bring this to TTC as well, by stepping back and accepting our bodies for what they are and what they give us. Beautiful. om.gif


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#132 of 160 Old 06-13-2012, 06:51 PM
 
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Hi again everyone!

 

Dakipode: HAPPY O'ING!

 

Writinglove: I'm sorry you're struggling with why the universe is kicking you when you're already down. I've fallen back on a lot of Rumi poetry when I feel this way.

 

This was one of my favorites when I went through a really hard summer two years ago: In a particularly desperate moment I realize that despite my grief and suffering I was growing and changing and learning so much in those moments, I ended up crying out of joy while reading this poem.


"The cloud weeps, and then the garden sprouts.
The baby cries, and the mother's milk flows.
The Nurse of Creation has said, Let them cry a lot.

"This rain-weeping and sun-burning twine together
to make us grow. Keep your intelligence white-hot
and your grief glistening, so your life will stay fresh.
Cry easily like a little child."
— Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

 

 

My other favorite Rumi poem to turn to when very sad is this one:

 

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

 

 

As for me... I am 13 DPO and still find it to be the easiest 2ww I have had yet. I don't feel obsessed or fixated on the potential. I am going to test tomorrow but I'm also not counting down the clock. I did test at 10 dpo due to the chemical poison happening in my area but if AF doesn't show by tomorrow I think I will test. I'm proud I haven't tested more than necessary. I'm even tempted to just wait to be a few days officially late before testing. We shall see!

 

That being said... I do feel some AF'ness cramps, etc. So I am also very prepared to welcome that time this weekend. Again, I just keep revisitng the pros and cons of it all. Pros: I'm starting my family! Pros of not being pregnant: I get to go to the bar with friends one last time this weekend! I get to be a little more uninhibited when I see friends for the first time in a couple of weeks... yippee hooray! There's blessings coming my way either way.

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#133 of 160 Old 06-13-2012, 07:12 PM
 
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THANK YOU nattery.  Beautiful poems.  Wonderful wonderful.  Let us all meet our dark thoughts at the door laughing and invite them in.

 

I must admit I cracked and tested this morning (11dpo).  BFN.  And a little tiny bit of spotting today (but I had a very light period when I was first pregnant with DD, so may not mean anything).  I am going to wait at least until 13dpo to test again.


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#134 of 160 Old 06-13-2012, 08:18 PM
 
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Hi Ladies! My DH is so excited about starting our family that he's been convinced that I'm pregnant for a week- and I'm only 8 DPO!!! lol.gif He is adorable, but if he's wrong, we will be so disappointed! Here's to hoping I can be patient enough to wait for Sunday to test...

 

Thank you for being here. bow2.gif I have been reasonably calm about his opinion due to all y'alls good examples. I am super hopeful, but its our first attempt, I'm ok with it taking as long as it needs to.  

 

Its weird, since he told me he thought I was pregnant, I've become hyper aware of my body. It's probably psychosomatic, but I can smell EVERYTHING! eyesroll.gif I just keep redirecting my thoughts to the tasks at hand, but its hard. Pickle18, you've been particularly helpful. Whenever it is that I do catch, I'll have had a good bit of redirection practice for raising the child.sleepytime.gif Sleep sweet, everybody.


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#135 of 160 Old 06-14-2012, 07:23 AM
 
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Pros: I'm starting my family! Pros of not being pregnant: I get to go to the bar with friends one last time this weekend! I get to be a little more uninhibited when I see friends for the first time in a couple of weeks... yippee hooray! There's blessings coming my way either way.

nattery - Here-here. I'm trying to approach things the same way. Especially this month. I'll test right before I head to a family reunion of sorts. So, if I get a bfp - Yay!! But, if I get a bfn, then I get to relax with my family and enjoy having a few glasses of wine on the Oregon coast. 

 

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Hi Ladies! My DH is so excited about starting our family that he's been convinced that I'm pregnant for a week- and I'm only 8 DPO!!! lol.gif He is adorable, but if he's wrong, we will be so disappointed! Here's to hoping I can be patient enough to wait for Sunday to test...

 

My DH is the same way. He's convinced every month that I'm preggo. I few months ago he was totally shocked when AF came. We were both pretty surprise, but it's OK. I think we got pregnant with DS so quickly that it's just an assumption that I am pregnant -- why wouldn't I be?? He actually asked me last night if I was prenant -- I DPO 3. I was like, well if so it's been in the last 24 hours or so. We gotta wait, babe. 

 

AFM - As expected FF shows me ovulating on Monday, so I'm back in the 2ww. Our timing was OK, but not optimal so time will tell. I have some things to distract me from the anguish of the 2ww. I'm meeting with a woman who owns a pregnancy and wellness center in town to discuss my providing doula services and teaching some classes. I'm really excited to see what could happen. It would be a side-job for now, but I'm OK with that. I'm still transitioning from working full-time to staying home with DS. I'm eager to see where this new path could lead me, but am also trying to take a slow trek down it.


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babygirl.gif Welcome baby girl! Born at home, in the water, in the caul, and caught by daddy. February 24, 2013!  babygirl.gif

 

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#136 of 160 Old 06-14-2012, 08:20 AM
 
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This year I have been trying to wake up more to life and channel more positive energy, and be more compassionate to resist my ingrained and frankly unhealthy perfectionism. Your sentiment is very inspiring to me as a way to bring this to TTC as well, by stepping back and accepting our bodies for what they are and what they give us. Beautiful. om.gif

 

Thank you for the warm welcome! stillheart.gif  I really like this (bold)!  Such a great approach.  And I can completely relate to the perfectionism.  Working on embracing life, instead of controlling it, and making a little more room for the universe to work through me.  Of course, that requires eliminating rigidity (I often think about waves rolling into shore - I can be stubborn and stiff and the waves will smash into me and knock me down - or I can let go of the bottom and ride them wherever they take me!) and clearing out alot of clutter - my own preconceived notions/plans/ego, etc.   

 

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Whenever it is that I do catch, I'll have had a good bit of redirection practice for raising the child.sleepytime.gif Sleep sweet, everybody.

 

I was just thinking this as I went to bed!  I was afraid it would sound flippant if I said it, but I do believe it sincerely.

 

Lastly, beautiful poems, nattery!  I also like your positive focus on the pros.  Today I feel like a mental ping pong ball - back and forth between outcomes, sometimes stopping for serenity, haha.  So many things I want to log in one column or the other.  But a sensation tells me nothing, a statistic tells me nothing, what happened to one woman on a message board tells me nothing...nothing will tell me anything about *me* and my body until it's time.  My goal is just to practice mindfulness in the meantime, to be open to whatever may come. 


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#137 of 160 Old 06-14-2012, 08:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You know, yesterday I was thinking, "the ladies are getting down. We need some inspiration and words of wisdom." And just like that, it came pouring in from the regular ladies and some wonderful new ones! Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for posting your ways of approaching ttc (or not ttc) in all its stages. This has become a space more beautiful than I had hoped when I wrote the first post.

 

The Rumi poems made me cry (in a good way).

 

I'm winding up my vacation, which was lovely and relaxing, and heading into the hard part of the 2ww. Once again I'm feeling things that I want to interpret and label and I'm trying to breathe through them. What is happening inside my body is secret and private to my body. I'm not privvy to it yet. I will know when it's time.

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#138 of 160 Old 06-14-2012, 09:23 AM
 
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I've been so busy the past few weeks that I haven't had much extra time.  It's nice to catch up on this post and I have to say you're all inspiring.  On the good side of being busy though is I now find myself at 10 DPO and with travelling for work I haven't been temping since I O'd.  Even before that my temps were all over the place this month so I figured it wasn't worth trying to keep track and figure it all out (although I had some pink CM yesterday - trying not to read too much into it!).  

 

On the other hand it seems as though there are babies all around.  A good friend just had her second yesterday, and her first is 7 months younger than my DS.  And DS is at the age where people are starting to ask about when we're having another.  This is only the third cycle trying, so I'm not really concerned but DP has said that he's starting to come around to the idea that we might just have one, and that he's okay with that.  Arg!  After years of him talking about wanting a big family.


Megan - DP Mike - DS Jack (Feb 2010)


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#139 of 160 Old 06-14-2012, 11:47 AM
 
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Hi all,

I'm so grateful for this space and you. namaste.gif

I was talking with a friend last night, who is also trying to get pregnant, and she had a really lovely thought about the process. She compared TTC to getting engaged. Being engaged is fun, especially when you stop obsessing about the wedding and enjoy the exciting new time in your life. Sure, it has it's ups and downs, but it is a transition to celebrate, and honor. Another friend of mine may or may not be having an early miscarriage (she is going in for betas soon.) Yesterday she was in the full throes of the drama. Today she is making more peace with either direction her life might take. It's beautiful to watch her grow from what is going on. There is so much to learn from TTC.

I'm glad Fierce Grace has proved to be powerful/helpful for some of you. I'm looking forward to watching it with my DH. I hope to glean more from it the second time around.

The Rumi poetry is great. Thank you. I think in our culture we can be so consumed with achieving (babies, money, success) that we forget to honor process, in all of its glory and sadness. I can forget that process is life, not just a waiting room. The emotions I feel during process are my life. Yep, this is it! This is my life.

Welcome to all the new folks on the thread. I hope you find this to be as inspiring as I have.

I'm deliberating whether or not to be an OPK for this cycle. They bring me stress and a certain degree of certainty. Not using them brings me less stress, but less certainty. Time to meditate on it.

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#140 of 160 Old 06-15-2012, 01:58 AM
 
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Writinglove - I like your friend's perspective... thanks for sharing! I thought of that this morning as I went to work and thought about how this could very well be the last few days / weeks/ months that me and my partner have each other all to ourselves... :D and with the summer coming up it could very well be the last summer where we aren't constrained by an infant/ child / teenager's schedule and needs. There is something really fun about the romance of it all and the anticipation.

 

Glad everyone liked the Rumi poetry... I fall to Rumi poetry all the time. I always seems to learn something profound from it.

 

What's happening in my world. Well today I am 14 dpo! and no I haven't tested yet. I always seem to test and then AF starts an hour or so afterwards. I am a little nervous to take it and get the disapointment. In a way I am savoring the last few moments of "what if I'm pregnant?" the way I used to savor the last moments of waiting for Christmas (I was always sad moments after presents were open, despite whether I got what I wanted, because the anticipation and surprise was gone).

 

Tonight is a party for the student's my boyfriend taught in China. I will probably take a test before as the parties can get quite smokey and if I know I'm pregnant I dont want to be around it (well I don't want to be around it anyways). AF hasn't shown up but I've had cramps all day and sometimes quite intense ones, which is typical before AF shows up so I am resigned to waiting another month. The bonus of this however is.... I know I will probably really really appreciate NOT being pregnant in two weeks form now when I am  traveling for over 24 hours, including an 18 hour flight and a 7 hour delay with 6 suitcases and two cats in tow!

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#141 of 160 Old 06-15-2012, 07:37 AM
 
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Yesterday I was having slightly more spotting (12dpo) and so I decided to dig out my old charts to see how much I spotted when I was pregnant with DD.  I'd forgotten how dramatic that time was!  I tested bfn at 14dpo after spotting for 5 days, but my temps continued to rise.  And then the spotting started to taper off and I was seeing some ewcm, but still no temp drop!  So I tested again at 17dpo, and got a bfp!  If I hadn't been charting I would have been convinced I wasn't pregnant and celebrated AF with a couple beers, maybe continued to eat sushi, etc. (not that I drink that much or get sushi that often, BYKWIM).  So that gave me a little hope that I could actually be pregnant this cycle, and I decided to test again this morning. BFP!!!  now just hoping it sticks...


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#142 of 160 Old 06-15-2012, 07:42 AM
 
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So excited for you, Brambleberry! joy.gif

 

Sending you lots of sticky vibes and positive energy.  Hope you have a peaceful, mindful pregnancy.


~ Lucky wife of DH blowkiss.gifand loving mama to DS biggrinbounce.gif (04/11) ~

 

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#143 of 160 Old 06-15-2012, 08:28 AM
 
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Wow, Brambleberry, how exciting! Also sending sticky energy to you! Wishing you all the best.
 

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#144 of 160 Old 06-15-2012, 09:50 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nattery View Post
 In a way I am savoring the last few moments of "what if I'm pregnant?" the way I used to savor the last moments of waiting for Christmas (I was always sad moments after presents were open, despite whether I got what I wanted, because the anticipation and surprise was gone).

yeahthat.gif 

 

I am constantly using that analogy with DH to explain the feeling during the 2ww. He gets it, as he was (and still is) one of those people who wants to open his presents weeks before Christmas. Now he understands my "anticipation" building up until the day I test (and has patience for when I crack and test early).


Beth - blissfully married to Doug. DS - Liam (5/10) nocirc.gif &  Darcy (2/13). homebirth.jpg waterbirth.jpgNew SAHM & Labor Doula.

 

babygirl.gif Welcome baby girl! Born at home, in the water, in the caul, and caught by daddy. February 24, 2013!  babygirl.gif

 

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#145 of 160 Old 06-15-2012, 09:55 AM
 
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Congrats Brambleberry! Sending sticky thoughts your way.  dust.gif


Beth - blissfully married to Doug. DS - Liam (5/10) nocirc.gif &  Darcy (2/13). homebirth.jpg waterbirth.jpgNew SAHM & Labor Doula.

 

babygirl.gif Welcome baby girl! Born at home, in the water, in the caul, and caught by daddy. February 24, 2013!  babygirl.gif

 

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#146 of 160 Old 06-15-2012, 01:23 PM
 
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Congratulations, Brambleberry! I love the thought that you may not be using those new pads for a while. As my DH says, the universe runs on irony.

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by writinglove View Post
I think in our culture we can be so consumed with achieving (babies, money, success) that we forget to honor process, in all of its glory and sadness. I can forget that process is life, not just a waiting room. The emotions I feel during process are my life. Yep, this is it! This is my life.

 

Amen to that, Writinglove!

 

I often meditate on something I read on letting go of perfection. It described a cat as a master of mindful living: he does not worry about whether the sunbeam he is laying in will move in 5 minutes: he just enjoys basking in its warmth. he does not get anxious over what he is having for dinner: he just eats what you provide. He does not obsess over if he did a good enough job grooming himself that day: he just grooms when he feels a need to. Maybe it's because I have two cats myself, but that metaphor really stuck with me and gave me a concrete example of how to practice mindfulness and find the joy in everyday things rather than overanalyzing and judging them, when they are not to be analyzed of judged.

 

Another thought which comes to me often in the 2WW is if you envision the worst outcome, and it does not happen, then you wasted all the energy which could have been spent in feeling good, on imagining a bad thing which did not happen. If you envision the worst outcome, and it does happen, then you have lived through it twice. Positive thoughts on the other hand have no downside, as long as you remain realistic.

 

How are you doing as you recover hug2.gif?


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#147 of 160 Old 06-15-2012, 03:22 PM
 
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Focusing on the journey rather than the destination.  What's the saying, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans"?  It is easy to get caught up in all the craziness.  I think the language we use around the whole process is very important too.  I hear a lot of talk of failure.  Failed treatments, failed cycles.  It sets a very negative tone.  I realize it results in a BFN, but I don't like to think of it as a failure.  When a cycle doesn't end in a BFP I say we were not successful this month. It doesn't work until it does. 

As women we can put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect in different ways.  TTC is no different.  We wish our bodies would work perfectly and do exactly what we want them to do, but that doesn't always happen.  It's not a failure, sometimes it just happens and we don't know.  I, like many women, struggle to love my body as it is.  This is another area where I have to practice loving myself and my body and appreciating the amazing things it can do.

 

Congratulations Brambleberry!  Happy and healthy 9 months! carrot.gif




Married to a wonderful woman since 2010. Baby boy C arrived in June 2013!

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#148 of 160 Old 06-15-2012, 04:36 PM
 
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Yippee Hooray Brambleberry! So exciting for you! Happy and healthy 9 months to you! What a nice message to wake up to on these boards.

 

I tests today at 15 dpo and got a negative. :(  It's not so much the negative I find hard to take, it's the differences going on with my body. before I ttc, I was always 28 days with a period that started early morning. Ever since I started ttc, my body plays jokes on me. Makes me late, gives me weird temperature dips and rises I've never experienced before, etc. I had a temperature dip yesterday and resigned myself to AF. This morning my temp shot higher than it has been all cycle and with great excitement I tested wondering if this could be the one... I'm late, my temps are really high for me, .... and bfn. Sigh. I spoke to partner about not charting for the summer. It might be nice to have a mental break from always knowing where I am at with all of this stuff. I know in this moment I'm upset so I'm just letting myself be upset and later I will decide what's the best route for us for the next little while.

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#149 of 160 Old 06-16-2012, 06:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey, everybody. It looks like the thread is getting HUGE--I'm thinking of starting a new one. Would people like to go by month, like other continuing threads? How should we continue?

 

While on vacation I found it impossible to keep up with all of your updates, but I read and gained inspiration, wisdom, and insight from each one. Welcome to new visitors to the thread. We hope you stay and add to our discussion!

 

One reminder: specific symptoms, temps, etc--anything that might send some of us back into an obsessive, less-than-peaceful state--should probably stay on other threads. Not calling anyone out, not at all! I just want to keep this thread (and the new one) a safe place for a more contemplative approach.

 

I'm in my hardest part: the second week of 2ww. To make matters worse, my husband and son are visiting family far away and I will be alone (with the dogs, thank goodness!) for the next three days. I thought I'd be relieved to have some time to myself, but I miss them! And I also have no idea what to do with myself. I did just take a walk with the dogs in the rain and took in a gorgeous rainbow. Now I'm posting here and listening to Steve Earle. Pretty good start, I guess :)

 

I had a hard moment at the grocery store. I was already feeling a little emotional when a small child began to just cry and wail. All of my mothering instincts kicked into high gear and all I wanted to do was to hold that child. (It wasn't a tantrum cry; more like hungry and tired). It didn't help that my own child is almost a thousand miles away. It made me simultaneously yearn for him and yearn for another child. I have so, so much more love and care to give. I really want this maybe-baby. I really, really do. My heart is ready for him or her. Maybe this is my "spirit baby?"

 

Thank you for recommending Ram Dass's Fierce Grace. So many good lessons. I could watch it a hundred times and get something new from it each time.

 

I am just going to sit with my feelings and let them be. I am not going to get invested in one outcome or another. I'm just going to let my feelings wash over me and not attempt to manipulate them with symptom-spotting and the like. Or maybe I will get caught up in the Rage Against the Machine that just popped up in my shuffle! Oh, my.

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#150 of 160 Old 06-16-2012, 08:30 PM
 
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Congrats, Brambleberry! I have really been out of the loop lately. This week I taught two drama classes from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. and found myself exhausted every night. As this is my time leading up to O, I've been trying to be more present for dh and more relaxed and spontaneous. This has involved a lot more drinking than usual for me TTC. On the one hand I'm fine with this. I also haven't been charting this month because the fertility friend app on my phone has been weird. So, both not charting and having a drink more often are helping me feel a little more normal. I don't like that I have felt so exhausted from teaching this week, and being more present for dh hasn't really resulted in the meditative, tranquil, restful state I was enjoying last cycle. 

 

The last time I posted, I wrote about chaos. After this week of teaching, which went very well, I'm feeling better. I don't know if I would say that I feel more in control, but I do feel more confident in my abilities. I've decided that navigating some of life's challenges is a dance. And what I thought was chaos, really is just a complicated combination. If I imagine myself executing this dance,I can do it. Maybe not perfectly, but I can do it. If I imagine myself failing, I probably will. 

 

Goodnight all and good luck!

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