Need reassurance that TTC after 40 isn't crazy - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 22 Old 09-03-2012, 07:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
beingmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 496
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Okay, I KNOW it's not actually crazy (and I have subscribed to the TTC 40+ thread) but I am having such a hard time with getting in a good headspace about it.

 

I turn 40 this October.  I have one DS who is 5 yrs old.  We always wanted more but DS has lots of health/dev issues (multiple life-threatening food allergies, asthma, verbal apraxia, sensory processing disorder, autism) and for a long time we thought we wouldn't have another,

 

THEN, early this year, DS was doing so well and we started thinking maybe we could do this.

 

We tried and I got pregnant on our second month of trying.  I was really excited.  The baby was due in December.  I was okay with being "just passed 40" when the baby was born.

 

Then we discovered at 11 weeks that I'd had a missed miscarriage. Super sad.

 

We started trying again this past month and sadly, I just got a BFN.

 

I am starting to feel anxious about "how old I am getting" 

 

At this point I will be well on my way towards 41 even if we got pregnant right a way.  And what if it takes months and months?  I admit I went into this cycle was feeling cocky because it happened easily last time.  Now, with us timing everything right and it not happening this cycle I am realizing it may take a while.

 

I am healthy.  I had a good pregnancy with DS and an easy, vaginal, drug-free hospital delivery with midwives. 

 

But I can't shake the feeling that I am running out of time.  That I am being "crazy" doing this.  That I should throw in the towel.  And this anxiety really doesn't help with the general anxiety around having another loss.

 

I just need reassurance that it will be okay. That if I am 41 or (gasp!) passed 41 it will still be okay.

 

Great stories of your pregnancies/births passed age 40 (especially at 41 or 42) would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks!


Wife to DHguitar.gif, Mama to DS1 luxlove.gifribbonjigsaw.gif (06/2007) and DS2 baby.gif (06/2013), missing babies (mc 08/2006 @ 5 weeks) and (missed mc 06/2012 @ 11 weeks)

 

 

 

beingmommy is online now  
#2 of 22 Old 09-03-2012, 07:41 AM
 
Stevi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 3,901
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Well, I'm not sure how to respond... All of my friends think I'm crazy, so maybe I am.

 

I just turned 43, and I keep on trying. But I have recently begun to wonder if I'm just not able to succeed due to my age, or my health. I don't like that I may have allowed myself to get too old. It's depressing, so I usually try not to think about it.


43 w/Emphysema - TTC from 2005 - 2013. 2 miscarriages in 2008. Good things do not come to those who wait.

Stevi is offline  
#3 of 22 Old 09-03-2012, 07:50 AM
 
aHikaru's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 786
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

If you can do it and you really want to, I say at least try...

 

My mom had me, her 3rd, 10yrs after her 2nd at 30, and said it was too much on her and her body, so she had a hysterectomy done shortly after, but that's just my honest answer. 


Mama to DD(4) energy.gif&  DS baby.gif

aHikaru is offline  
#4 of 22 Old 09-03-2012, 08:01 AM
 
CatsCradle's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York City
Posts: 2,006
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had my first and only DD at 42. It was a great pregnancy and at almost 49, I feel great and DD is a great joy. I think that if you are in good health and really desire to do this, you should focus on the positives of it. A lot of people in my generation have had children in their 40s and for many of my friends, it has been a positive experience. I just think, though that good overall health is an extremely important factor.

"Lawyers, I suppose, were children once." Charles Lamb.
CatsCradle is offline  
#5 of 22 Old 09-03-2012, 06:01 PM
 
jr'smom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 1,716
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Good overall health is an important factor at any age.  Seems like we're all trained to have age bias.  Maybe I'm just getting sensitive as I approach 40 also.  I know many people who have had great pregnancies after 40.  It's nothing new.  A friend of my mother had her children at age 42 and 44.  I think if anything, you have more experience and appreciation (and possibly money) as an older mother.  Personally I see it as an advantage! 


Mom to 5 amazing kids! (DS8, DS7, DD4, DD2 and DS0)

jr'smom is offline  
#6 of 22 Old 09-03-2012, 06:16 PM
 
Casserole's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I have a friend who just had her 3rd at 44 and they're trying for their 4th, the father is 55. I see them and it's so normal, I don't think it's too old. If you're both healthy and in shape, I don't see any issue. Well wishes!

Casserole is offline  
#7 of 22 Old 09-03-2012, 06:32 PM
 
jgallagher66's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: State of confusion
Posts: 154
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've been replying to some of these older mama threads because my younger kids have brought me so much joy and I don't want anyone to give up if another baby is what they want. I just had my 5th baby at 45. My 4th I delivered at 40 and I have 3 others in my 20's and 30's. My first 3 pregnancies went really well. My last two were harder with preterm labor requiring bedrest and even hospitalization. I know I'm so lucky to have 5 healthy children but I would do it again in a heartbeat. My age may be why I had preterm labor. Maybe it did or maybe something else caused it. I have had two miscarriages as well. One happened when I was 28. The other at 39. Age may have been a factor but it wasn't at age 28. I'm so glad to have each of my kids. I don't feel that being older is a problem as a parent. I'm so much more laid backand comfortable as a mom now. I think my younger ones will benefit from my experience and with me feeling so much more relaxed in my own skin. I think your experience with your older child would be great if you had another. If you want another you should try. I know so many friends that have had kids in their 40's and those kids are so lucky to have such wonderul parents. Good luck whatever you decide is right for you.
jgallagher66 is offline  
#8 of 22 Old 09-03-2012, 08:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
beingmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 496
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thank you for these responses.  I want to believe it could work and be great. 

 

DH and I are pretty healthy.  I guess we could eat a little better, be a little thinner, exercise more but otherwise we're okay.  We're coming out of a rather negative few years with all the stressful stuff with DS and starting to be more positive and take better care of ourselves.  I want my 40s to be the decade I really blossom (since I never really did in my 20s or 30s - heh heh). 

 

So maybe that's it.  Attitude and care.  I want this to work. I really do.


Wife to DHguitar.gif, Mama to DS1 luxlove.gifribbonjigsaw.gif (06/2007) and DS2 baby.gif (06/2013), missing babies (mc 08/2006 @ 5 weeks) and (missed mc 06/2012 @ 11 weeks)

 

 

 

beingmommy is online now  
#9 of 22 Old 09-03-2012, 08:40 PM
 
CatsCradle's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York City
Posts: 2,006
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jr'smom View Post

Good overall health is an important factor at any age.  Seems like we're all trained to have age bias.  Maybe I'm just getting sensitive as I approach 40 also.  I know many people who have had great pregnancies after 40.  It's nothing new.  A friend of my mother had her children at age 42 and 44.  I think if anything, you have more experience and appreciation (and possibly money) as an older mother.  Personally I see it as an advantage! 

Good overall health is important at any age...very true.  To understand and relate to certain age constraints, though, is not bias, it is reality.  I'm not the same physical person that I was at 25.  I accept that and know it to be true, at least for me.  I appreciate where I am in my age group, but I think that I'm healthier than other people my age because I think I made a lot of "healthy" choices along the way that made me more ready to handle certain physical challenges including having a child in my 40s.  Personally, I think there is a lot of ageism thrown at people my age....including the idea that people my age should be grandmas and not mothers.  I think that is what makes me the most frustrated...the idea that I shouldn't have kids my age...not that I can do it.


"Lawyers, I suppose, were children once." Charles Lamb.
CatsCradle is offline  
#10 of 22 Old 09-03-2012, 09:00 PM
 
Shell77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 386
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I really needed to read this... I am 39 and have been trying for a year ... DH is 38 ... I am turning 40 in 23 day's So I have been feeling the same way.. originally 40 was my cut off point I said " If we are not pg by 40 , then I am done!" But that is not true... we decided 41 is the cut off now LOL ... Hopefully I will get pg this month and get a bfp for my birthday :-) Good Luck ... and btw I do not feel old at all!! and I still get I.D. ed for wine when we go to dinner ..

Me (40) dishes.gif    DH (39) geek.gif      DD (21) hearts.gif      DD (13) hippie.gif       2 angel3.gifangel3.gif   ......

 

5 failed IUI's all with clomid and injectables, first IVF failed.. 3 ER none made it to ET, fet scheduled for June 21  

* * * 4 * * * 8 * * * 12 * * * 16 stork-boy.gif* * 20 * * * 24 * * * 28 * * * 32 * * * 36 * * * 40

Shell77 is offline  
#11 of 22 Old 09-04-2012, 07:37 AM
 
Stevi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 3,901
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Shell77...   My cut off is around 45! lol


43 w/Emphysema - TTC from 2005 - 2013. 2 miscarriages in 2008. Good things do not come to those who wait.

Stevi is offline  
#12 of 22 Old 09-04-2012, 08:39 AM
 
anyalily's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern California
Posts: 886
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

I wanted to weigh in, although I am not in my 40s.

 

One thing is, if you have love for a baby and room in your life, and your health is strong enough that it will not zap you of your strength, then there is no reason to stop because there is a 4 in front of your age.

 

Another is that women have been having babies in their 40s forever. Fertility is fertility. Either ya got it or ya don't.

 

But the main thing I want to share is that I had my DD at 26, but because I was overweight and depressed, I felt like I was 100 years old. I know in my heart of hearts that I could have been 20 years older and in better shape and I would have had a much better experience. I actually really struggle with that right now, because at 30 I am TTC again and I am even heavier and more depleted than the first time around. I feel older than my DH sometimes, and he is 44.


Mama to DD luxlove.gif born June 2008 and Wife to my dear Magyar foreign exchange husband. Expecting again in September!joy.gif 
anyalily is offline  
#13 of 22 Old 09-04-2012, 10:05 AM
 
Stevi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 3,901
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Anyalily...   I'm glad you brought up the health part. I don't think being in "perfect" health is really as important as it is being made out to be. Women with health problems have healthy pregnancies every day! Asthma, heart problems, immune disorders, weight, etc... Since I have a chronic illness myself, I guess I'm a little touchy about the subject. But really, I see women with the most difficult health issues imaginable having babies, so I feel unless your health directly negatively effects the growing baby, then there is no reason even health should get in the way. And honestly? I would gladly spend my entire pregnancy in misery, if the result were a healthy baby. And I am sure many women feel the same way.


43 w/Emphysema - TTC from 2005 - 2013. 2 miscarriages in 2008. Good things do not come to those who wait.

Stevi is offline  
#14 of 22 Old 09-04-2012, 10:29 AM
 
Daffodil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Vermont
Posts: 3,615
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)

I had DD at 40 (almost 41), and it took IVF to make it happen.  When I finally got my period back after having her, I was closing in on 43, and TTC seemed worth a try but obviously pretty unlikely to succeed.  But guess what?  I got pregnant - naturally - on our very first try.  I got the positive pregnancy test on the morning of my 43rd birthday.  My pregnancy was totally uneventful and I had a healthy little boy who is now 6.  So TTC when you're not even quite 40 yet and have no history of infertility (and in fact already got pregnant earlier this year) doesn't seem at all crazy to me.

Daffodil is online now  
#15 of 22 Old 09-04-2012, 06:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
beingmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 496
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Oh thanks for the responses!  This is helping alot.  I KNOW I want this.  I think I am healthy enough for it.  I know we have enough love and hope for it.  I just need to get over this age thing. I DO know I am older and I may not bounce back as quickly and will need to make sure I take care of myself.  But this is good. I am feeling better about it.


Wife to DHguitar.gif, Mama to DS1 luxlove.gifribbonjigsaw.gif (06/2007) and DS2 baby.gif (06/2013), missing babies (mc 08/2006 @ 5 weeks) and (missed mc 06/2012 @ 11 weeks)

 

 

 

beingmommy is online now  
#16 of 22 Old 09-06-2012, 09:03 AM
 
Julia07's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My grandmother was 48 when she had my mom - both healthy.  Good luck!

Julia07 is offline  
#17 of 22 Old 09-06-2012, 06:02 PM
 
sundaya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 150
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Just had to pop in with another "go-for-it"

I had my first at 21, my second at 41, and my third at 43, just a few weeks shy of 44. My second was the hardest pregnancy. My third was the easiest, by far easier than the first. I bounced back much more quickly, felt great by the next morning. I had to keep reminding myself to slow down a bit, I just had a baby.   If my fertility comes back from nursing before menopause comes knocking, I'm hoping for just one more (or 2....). Every pregnancy is different, at any age. And every woman's fertility is different as well. Good luck!!

sundaya is offline  
#18 of 22 Old 09-06-2012, 06:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
beingmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 496
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

This is fantastic!  Exactly what I needed to hear. I DO feel like I am healthier and so much more aware of things now than when I was younger. 


Wife to DHguitar.gif, Mama to DS1 luxlove.gifribbonjigsaw.gif (06/2007) and DS2 baby.gif (06/2013), missing babies (mc 08/2006 @ 5 weeks) and (missed mc 06/2012 @ 11 weeks)

 

 

 

beingmommy is online now  
#19 of 22 Old 09-06-2012, 09:30 PM
 
tenzinsmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 729
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Wonderful good news stories on here, I say go for it!  It's helpful for me to read, too!  (I want one more...)  smile.gif


Me & DH ; DS (Aug 2010) ; DD1 (May 2012) ; DD2 (Nov 2013)
tenzinsmama is offline  
#20 of 22 Old 09-15-2012, 06:58 PM
 
NaomiJoy2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 17
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I know this thread is over a week old but I just have to comment.  I have no idea how old your dh is but his age can be a factor as well.  I am 38 but my now XH was 67 when he and I were last trying and I had a mc.  After doing a lot of research, we found that his age may have had a great deal to do with not conceiving and then having a mc.  Sperm in men over age 40 start showing signs of aging - more non-motile sperm and more sperm that show abnormalities.  After doing much research over the last few weeks, I have decided that when I choose a donor for AI, he will not be over the age of 40 as the mc rate greatly increases.

NaomiJoy2 is offline  
#21 of 22 Old 09-15-2012, 07:20 PM
 
Stevi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 3,901
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

NaomiJoy2...   I try to only use donors under 25 for much the same reasons as you posted. A new study also shows that the man's age may be a factor in Autism, and other genetic disorders. And, since I cannot do anything about my age, I do what I can about what I can change, by choosing to use younger donors.

 

However, if I were married, or in a committed relationship, I would take my chances with my partner.


43 w/Emphysema - TTC from 2005 - 2013. 2 miscarriages in 2008. Good things do not come to those who wait.

Stevi is offline  
#22 of 22 Old 09-16-2012, 06:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
beingmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 496
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I think age of the man is a factor, though, like with a woman, overall health is key.  There is some thought that a good diet can improve both egg and sperm health.  I believe this.  It's all a gamble suppose.  But my uncle has a beautiful, bright, NT daughter he fathered at 60 (my aunt is 42).  So it can happen too.

 

I am feeling much better about the age question right now.


Wife to DHguitar.gif, Mama to DS1 luxlove.gifribbonjigsaw.gif (06/2007) and DS2 baby.gif (06/2013), missing babies (mc 08/2006 @ 5 weeks) and (missed mc 06/2012 @ 11 weeks)

 

 

 

beingmommy is online now  
Reply

Tags
Trying To Conceive

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off