Sparkle - Sorry your DH has been flip-flopping. Knowing how frustrating the ttc process can be, I can only imagine how much difficult it would be if DH didn't fully support the idea. As it is mine is supportive but, like I assume many DHs are, is in the "it'll happen when it happens" camp. He feels no sense of urgency and isn't at all stressed about it himself -- his anxiety stems from not wanting to see me anxious. I think that's why these boards can be so helpful -- it's so hard for anyone, even DHs, to understand. Has DH articulated to you exactly WHY he doesn't want more than one? Reasons for not wanting children are often a lot more clear-cut and arguable than those for wanting children -- which are often nebulous. It's hard to say why we want children so much other than it's just something we feel we need with every fiber of our being. Maybe if you and DH had a discussion and you could figure out a way to address his arguments against it, he might be swayed. I know for my DH the primary concern would likely be finances.
Becker - We haven't told hardly anyone we were trying. I really didn't want to be faced with any awkwardness by having people ask month after month. Plus, we're pretty much the first in our group of good friends to attempt, so it's not something most of our friends are even having conversations about. Many of them aren't even married yet, so it's completely off the radar. I told my mom and sister and we've told another couple we're close to who already has children. But other than that no one really knows -- not even DH's parents. It's easier for us though because we live abroad and don't see most of our friends and family regularly. I can relate though about feeling down and wanting to explain why. Sometimes I have the urge to tell my boss, look, I'm sorry I've been distracted today -- this is why. But I know it's not appropriate (for me at least) and would never do it. My advice is not to tell anyone who doesn't already know. In my experience, the expectations of others just add to the anxiety, whether or not they mean to even be placing those expectations on your. I remember being out to dinner with a group of friends and suddenly feeling really sick to my stomach. Our one friend noticed and immediately told her DH she thought I was pregnant. This got me excited, as well as her, but ultimately when I got my period I felt in a strange way I was disappointing not only myself, but her as well. The BFN was even more crushing bc I thought that cycle, if someone else had noticed and verified a symptom, then it wasn't in my head -- I was really prego this time. Alas, it was bad lobster -- not morning sickness.
Sending Zen-like vibes everyone's way...
Me(29) + DH(29) married 8.2010 | MC 4.2013 | Expecting #1 2.2014
I wasn't very awake yesterday while reading.. coati for some reason I thought you didn't get AF yet. I'm very curious what the doctor says to you about the pain. I have it on some months and some not, around the time I ovulate but it is a consistent annoying pain that lasts for several days, sometimes well after ovulation (like this month). I get worried but then it goes and I forget about it.
Sparklemaman, that is a really tough spot to be in with DH. Could it be that he is overwhelmed by the TTC and seeing you sad that he does not want to have a second baby? My DH does not handle me being sad for too long and puts on his "fix-it" hat which only makes things worse. Even though we talk about everything, I'm not telling him when I'm ovulating or where I am in the cycle. I'm keeping a nonchalant and quiet front because I know he will not handle the stress very well long term and will start wanting to fix things. His attitude right now "oh yeah, she might get pregnant but until then, no condoms! YAY!". I really hope you guys figure it out and it happens for you soon.
Becker, I've told a couple of pregnant friends. Well they actually asked me last month if I'm pregnant. And it sucked having to tell them when I wasn't because they both got so excited when there was hope of all us being pregnant together. So no, I haven't told anyone else and after last month I don't want to... They do say that only half of all healthy couple get pregnant by six months so it might take up to a year and I don't want to report to anyone.
BTW, I've been meaning to mention this for those of you who had several miscarriages in a row. A relative of mine had several in a row and she went to a string of doctors/experts could not figure out what's wrong, hormone levels & everything seemed OK. Finally she saw a highly-recommended fertility expert who figured it out. It turned out she had blood clotting issues that were causing her to bleed and lose the pregnancy. Her blood was not clotting properly and had to get shots once she did get pregnant. She took the shots weekly up until she gave birth. Her son is now a healthy two year old. I can ask her exactly what the issue was.
Mama to my little Lily (09/2010), and a sweet baby boy (12/2012)
Thank you for all the thoughtful, supportive messages. Dakipode, I will HAVE to make it through and trust that it will all be okay, to take that leap of faith. Despite often feeling like a single parent, I have NO desire to fully be one right now. You are so right on. That is the for better or worse piece, that trust. My DH 'changed his mind' and decided one was enough around the time DD was 2 and while I was sad and a bit angry (I guess mostly I felt tricked), I was okay with it right then. My DD is an amazing effervescent girl, truly a delight, and she is also very spirited, high energy, high needs and often challenging to parent (especially as a toddler). And I am on my own much of the time, my DH works 12-14 hours per day, 6-7 days a week. When we have readdressed the subject in the past 5-6 years, he was always so adamant that he couldn't be persuaded to have another, that we were already stretched to our limit financially and emotionally, we already juggle so much. Yes, completely, Oasis - his arguments are concrete and valid. And so I pushed my own longings for more children down and just went on.This past Spring, approaching my 36th birthday, we had a long conversation about our plans and dreams and I told my DH that I knew if we did not have another child, I would always regret it. I would always live with that pang of remorse and endless what ifs. I told him I knew there were countless good reasons not to TTC but that in my heart I desperately wanted to. He reluctantly agreed. Over the past 7 cycles he has waffled often. I have mostly gone with what you mentioned LilyKay, not announcing or sharing when I am ovulating or testing, doing all my thinking about and processing around TTC, all of the obsessing, here. But he was very clear a few weeks ago that he does not want another baby, he does not want to try and the thought of adding another child to our family is overwhelming to him. And so here I am. I am 50% of my relationship but this feels like I am not. I guess one of us always has to take that leap, to trust, when we don't fully agree. I just wish it was not always me.
I am a Mama who
Sparkle- Without hijacking the thread, or turning this into a dh bashing - I just want to say I can commiserate with the above sentiment. I deeply understand your pain and frustration. Especially feeling misled, tricked or lied to. I'm sorry you have to continue through this pain for now. I wish you both a resolution that each of you feel good about and can live with.
coati- Hope your feeling better. That sounds painful!
beckeroo- The only person we've told directly is my sil. I'm sure my mil knows just because we told her a couple years ago that we would ttc after we sold our house. As for my fam no one knows. I can't take the questioning either. Its too much pressure as it is. In addition to having a difficult ttc road, you can read into my above response to sparkle and guess other reasons why we've kept quiet, lol.
JustJenny and DH of 20 years
After a 2 year fertility struggle - Baby girl is here! Jan 8th 2014
2 Boxer Furbabies Buddha and Tootsie
Married to one of the last good guys left Jim
Mom to AJ 4/07 and Genevieve 5/09
And then: I'm really, really tired of making angels.
But wait, could it really be true?
The whole story at: www.xerxella.blogspot.com
|Trying To Conceive|