I know just how you feel! I got a BFN today, and even tho I had been thinking it was unlikely to be +, I'm sad and worried. It's been 3-1/2 months since we started trying, but this is only the 2nd cycle because I don't ovulate very often. My last period started Nov. 4, and I just don't know when I will O again. I know worrying about it won't help and the stress actually might make things worse, but it's so hard not to hyper-scrutinize everything I do!
I feel very strongly that I shouldn't take fertility pills or anything like that unless I really have given it a fair try for at least a year. But the fact that I wasn't conceived until my mom took Clomid, and that she had a similar pattern of infrequent cycles, makes me worry that I'll inevitably end up going down that road. I feel so guilty for even contemplating it when the world already has so many babies who need good homes!
But we both really want our own biological child, and I really want the experiences of pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding.
It hasn't even been that long, but already I just can't stand it!!! What will it be like if I'm still trying a year from now?!
My parents are 30 years older than I am, which is neat (the round numbers make it easy to figure out how old they are now, what year they were my age, etc.) so I always wanted my baby to be 30 years younger than me. I have 3 more months to make a baby that's 30 calendar years younger, 8 more months to make him/her arrive before I turn 31. I know it's silly to put pressure on myself for such an arbitrary goal, but...but I've been fantasizing about motherhood, "planning" my children's names and birthdates, since I was 7 years old!!! Now that the time is finally here, it's hard to let go of all those years of "plans".
Well. God will send me a child when the time is right. To everything there is a season, and you can't make spring come any faster by peeling the coverings off the buds or shaking the branch yelling, "Bloom, damn it!"
I am so lucky to have found a man I wholeheartedly want to be my child's father, and to have reached a position in life where I can afford to raise a child, and to have a house that's big enough and free of lead paint and everything, and to have already learned so many things that will help me to be a good mother. PATIENCE AND JOY should dominate my mind, not worry and doubt.
But still, I feel like I've been peppily thinking, "A year from now, I could have a 3-month-old baby!" FOREVER, and there's no end in sight. Sigh...