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#1 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 03:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You know. It seems no matter how hard I try to really make some peace with this process - to accept that it is beyond my control and that its not my fault...I get to this day over and over again - and the heaviness of it - the dissapointment is overwhelming.

It makes me feel so defeated - so exhausted...so angry and just plain sad.

I just finish posting to the other thread about waiting to test (which I had been...today...at 12dpo...) - and then I go to the bathroom thinking WTH - I need to just know now. And right then and there, as I'm flipping peeing into a cup I begin spotting ever so lightly. Case closed.

'F' me. UGH. I HATE THIS. I can't possibly have more sex than we are already having, I take vitamins religiously (including B/fish oil/ a prenatal and baby asparin!!), used preseed this month, temps look decent, LP looks fine, husbands got olympic swimmers - everything according to the doctor looks 'GREAT!' - it is now down to either a tubal blockage or my body is just taking its sweet time. I don't want a lapriscopy or whatever the hell that test is - our friggin deductible is like 50k (not really but close), and I'm just over it. What more can I do?

:
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#2 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 03:46 PM
 
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You're right. Its not your fault, and sometimes things are just beyond our control. It might not be this month, and it might not be next - but if you WANT to be a mom....YOU WILL BE!!! One way or another you will have a child.
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#3 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 03:54 PM
 
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Girl hang in there I know exactly whast you are talking about. We are all in your shoes and it is so hard to deal with month in and month out. We are all here if you need to vent, scream or just go crazy.
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#4 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 04:10 PM
 
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Shawna. The body is such a mystery. Its more frustrating when there is nothing "wrong" to fix. Have a drink and a cry and get right back on the horse (so to speak)

mama to L (4) and G (1.5)
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#5 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 04:14 PM
 
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*falls over ded* DED I say. Just browsed over to your blog, and LOVE it.

Ahem.

I am so with you. Not only am I tired of going to the mall and actually being IN THE MINORITY that I'm not pregnant, but I'm also tired of the squeakey happy message boards where people are only trivially interested in your woes while they wait for replies to their own woes, and the signatures take up 8 times the pixel-real-estate than the actual messages.

I'm tired of the movie Idiocracy actually playing out in my OWN DAMNED FAMILY. (Sister in law, with a 4 y/o and pregnant again: "What's a placenta?" *facedesks*)

If you want, email/PM me and we'll be buddies. It's only been 8 mo's here, but doc's already convinced I don't ovulate, so I'm on a fast track to clomid. oooooo, boy.

Edited to add. Also, I'm tired of FREAKING MIGRAINES. Can't take this, can't take that. Oh, it's the two week wait, I guess I'll just writhe on the couch for the next two days while this one blows over. If 3-4 severe migraines a week that keep me from going to work doesn't qualify for "acceptable risk" on class c drugs, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WOULD.

Mama to twin boys, Oct-'09 and baby girl, Apri-'12!

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#6 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 04:37 PM
 
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shawna, I'm so sorry.


Married to my best friend, expecting #1 6/09. Little angel came early- 4/10/09, 2lbs 5oz. Lilah Grace:
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#7 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 04:42 PM
 
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It can be so hard and frustrating. It can seem like you do everything right and still AF comes- I always have a few bad days then before I start to get excited about the next cycle. Hang in there! We're all with you!
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#8 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 05:04 PM
 
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I know exactly how you're feeling. When TTC DD, I had a temp rise the day AF was supposed to show. Peed in a cup, wiped and low and behold - blood. (Of course I though - well maybe I could still be pregnant)

It took us 6mos to conceive DD, so maybe next month will be your lucky month

You're definitely earning some good karma with all of your awesome posts!
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#9 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 05:11 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CalaRei View Post
*falls over ded* DED I say. Just browsed over to your blog, and LOVE it.

Ahem.

I am so with you. Not only am I tired of going to the mall and actually being IN THE MINORITY that I'm not pregnant, but I'm also tired of the squeakey happy message boards where people are only trivially interested in your woes while they wait for replies to their own woes, and the signatures take up 8 times the pixel-real-estate than the actual messages.

I'm tired of the movie Idiocracy actually playing out in my OWN DAMNED FAMILY. (Sister in law, with a 4 y/o and pregnant again: "What's a placenta?" *facedesks*)

If you want, email/PM me and we'll be buddies. It's only been 8 mo's here, but doc's already convinced I don't ovulate, so I'm on a fast track to clomid. oooooo, boy.

Edited to add. Also, I'm tired of FREAKING MIGRAINES. Can't take this, can't take that. Oh, it's the two week wait, I guess I'll just writhe on the couch for the next two days while this one blows over. If 3-4 severe migraines a week that keep me from going to work doesn't qualify for "acceptable risk" on class c drugs, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WOULD.

Garden of Fertility by Katie Singer has some great ideas for helping your body along the path to ovulation. She's helped a lot of couples to conceive who were otherwise considered very infertile, and I've learned a lot from her book that even my midwife didn't know, things that have been invaluable to me! Maybe there would be something helpful in it for you too....

To the OP - so sorry!
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#10 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 06:57 PM
 
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I like to face my disappointments in the traditional Australian way - this involves a case of beer and possibly a pizza (the more modern among us have also used wine or champagne).
Seriously, you are right, it sucks that smart sensible good people don't just fall pregnant whenever they want, since some of the people I see getting around with babies actually scare me. It does sound like you are doing what is required, so I guess just "back in the saddle" for next month, hey? You've got to believe that it will happen sooner or later (my bf tried for eighteen months for her first, was convinced she was being "punished" for having an abortion when she was a teenager, then she had 3 in 2 years - not that i would wish that on you)
So, off to the liquor store (we call it bottle shop, which I think sounds like more fun) with you, young lady
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#11 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 07:13 PM
 
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Zen - I don't even know what else to say. All I can do is...


  SAHM CrossFitting mama to DS (6) and DD (3) and surprise #3 due in September!  winner.jpg familybed1.gif homebirth.jpg

 

***4***8***12***16***20***24***28***32***36*heartbeat.gif*40**

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#12 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 07:19 PM
 
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Shawna, I'm so sorry. It shocked the he%# out of me when I got my BFP after over a year of trying, and we got pregnant the first cycle with my daughter! There really is no real rhyme or reason to it all (other than it being in God's hands), and that's what makes it so hard. It's something we can't control, and that really sucks.

I'll be thinking and praying for you, chica. PM me if you need to vent. I've had plenty of sleepless, bawling my eyes out nights.

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#13 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 07:41 PM
 
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i was just thinking to myself "i wonder how zen has been?" and then i saw this post..

oh, sweetie. there's no excuse. fate is just an @sshole sometimes.

when i got pregnant with my son, still in college, unmarried, broke as i could possibly be, i thought "why me?" and now here i am, trying for number 2, watching everyone else get sticky babies while i miscarry and i'm like "why not me?"

you never know what's going to happen zen. keep your chin up.

in the meantime have a martini and go spend some money on yourself. that always makes me feel better. then again, i'm probably a bad influence.

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#14 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 08:55 PM
 
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Zen I know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CalaRei View Post
Not only am I tired of going to the mall and actually being IN THE MINORITY that I'm not pregnant, but I'm also tired of the squeakey happy message boards where people are only trivially interested in your woes while they wait for replies to their own woes, and the signatures take up 8 times the pixel-real-estate than the actual messages.

I'm tired of the movie Idiocracy actually playing out in my OWN DAMNED FAMILY. (Sister in law, with a 4 y/o and pregnant again: "What's a placenta?" *facedesks*)
.
amen sister!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by oldaussie View Post
I like to face my disappointments in the traditional Australian way - this involves a case of beer and possibly a pizza \
So, off to the liquor store (we call it bottle shop, which I think sounds like more fun) with you, young lady
hehe this is my way too! Sometime I treat myself to some 'greenery' if you will.

I can say this all day, and honestly I have a hard time listening to myself half the time.
You can't stop living and loving.

I still cry and pampers commercials. I still get sweaty palms when friends get PG. I still play along when people give me 'advice' ('oh jeese I didn't know having sex caused pregnancy') and I still cuss like a sailor and throw toothbrushes when AF comes. I also have fun, live my life and enjoy every day (or at least try) much love!

I'm crunchy... Like a Dorito.
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#15 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 09:18 PM
 
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hehe this is my way too! Sometime I treat myself to some 'greenery' if you will.

yea-yah!
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#16 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 10:41 PM
 
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hey zen... i'm with you too. i just feel so. fucking. done. with all this.
not exaggerating, not a MINUTE after i got AF mother-in-law calls to hoot and holler over the phone that my husband's cousin (who is like his sister) is just pregnant and due in april and she told my MIL a couple weeks ago that they were gonna "start trying and see what happens". well it happened for them. in one fucking cycle. i didn't even know what to say, i just passed the phone over to husband, feeling like total shit.:

i feel like giving up but can't. i feel like hating everyone but can't. i'm usually a relatively happy person despite all my cynicism about the way the world is, but this is starting to take a toll. every cycle i get so positive and somehow *really* believe that "this is the month". i can't help it. and it's such a terrible let down. i'm ashamed to say that recently when someone announces their + pt here, i just scroll past. i used to get excited and offer my congrats, thinking, "soon that'll be ME".

sorry to be such a downer. don't worry folks, i usually fool myself into being a positive, cheerful, and hopeful idiot again after i stop bleeding like a stuck pig and have consumed copious amounts of beer. hopefully that will be soon.

Me dreads.gif 32, loving him fuzmalesling.gif33, more each day. Rad boy, jog.gif 7/12/10 & Cool gal baby.gif  4/28/13

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#17 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 10:45 PM
 
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I really wanted you to be the one with the BFP this month, Zen.

You don't need to hear about how long it takes sometimes for the first one, but I'm going to tell you anyway: 2.5 years for my first and then just 2 months for the second.

I really do think that we screw ourselves, so to speak, when we gather 'round these discussion boards. It's a heck of a lot of pressure to put on yourself month in and month out.

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#18 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 10:46 PM
 
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i know words don't make things better.. but i am truly sorry...

zen




expat
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#19 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 11:09 PM
 
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hugs from here too.
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#20 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 11:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by expat-mama View Post
not exaggerating, not a MINUTE after i got AF mother-in-law calls to hoot and holler over the phone that my husband's cousin (who is like his sister) is just pregnant and due in april and she told my MIL a couple weeks ago that they were gonna "start trying and see what happens".

to you too, expat mama

Married to my best friend, expecting #1 6/09. Little angel came early- 4/10/09, 2lbs 5oz. Lilah Grace:
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#21 of 29 Old 08-11-2008, 11:55 PM
 
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Hugs all around guys.

Pass the beer.

Mama to twin boys, Oct-'09 and baby girl, Apri-'12!

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#22 of 29 Old 08-12-2008, 12:35 AM
 
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So sorry Zen, I totally know how you feel. Its really frustrating, no words can describe how sickning this feels when you do everything right. I right with you honey. BD right times, taking temps, monitor, opks etc. I have no idea why this happens when we do things correctly. Keep your chin up and you will get your baby soon. There has to be a reason why its delayed for us.

Me 39 Dh 44 IVF #1 Failed--only 3 eggs retrieved out of 9 follicles. ET:1-4cell severe fragmentation. Planning for next cycle. VERY DEVASTATED
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#23 of 29 Old 08-12-2008, 10:06 AM
 
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Zen
I'm so sorry. Damn this is hard. Waiting every month, watching every little teensy tiny sign and analyzing it's every possible significance...feeling really hopeful and then, WHAM. That's it. You're out. Game over. Shit.

You tell yourself you're not going to get upset if it doesn't happen this month but then somehow you get swept up in hope despite yourself and then are
bitterly disappointed.

I don't know if it'll happen for us next month but I'm rooting for us and I'll be right there with ya', sister.

expat
You're not alone. I've been feeling terribly guilty that I can't seem to face the TWW thread.
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#24 of 29 Old 08-12-2008, 11:43 AM
 
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sorry, girl, I hear you, though. Took us a while to conceive DS. When it finally worked, we were on vacation, I was REALLY drunk and just started crying, "GIVE ME A BABY, DAMMIT!!!" and...he did! I know no one likes to read the happy, "I got pregnant" stories when it isn't happening to you right now. I totally get that. I'm watching my age click up faster and faster and so wish we hadn't waited so long and now I'm doing the whole watching my chart like three times a day, feeling my boobs constantly, checking cervix action, I hear you..., I hear you.

Anyway, it'll happen.

Catherine and B stillheart.gif DS1 (6) biggrinbounce.gif DD (4) loveeyes.gif DS2 (1) drool.gif and expecting #4 shamrocksmile.gif on March 17, 2014.  
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#25 of 29 Old 08-12-2008, 12:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Crying all over again.

Your posts all make me weepy. But its good weepy. I just wish I weren't at work right now!

Thank you thank you thank you...for each of you taking the time to offer your support and encouragement - your empathy means so much.

I'm going to try acupuncture this month. Anything I can to continue to be proactive...

I could use a few thousand needles up my face. Could be just what I need right now...
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#26 of 29 Old 08-12-2008, 03:30 PM
 
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another for you

The acupuncture will be an interesting experience. It is something I've always wanted to try. Hopefully it will help speed things along for you. It will happen for you. Have a drink (or a few) and as others have said, get back in that saddle!!

Abby, Mom to Matthew (9/14/06) and new baby Annabelle (10/04/09), Wife to Dan
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#27 of 29 Old 08-12-2008, 03:55 PM
 
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Aw, honey, I hear you. It IS so frustrating. When I went off the pill I was so responsible with my eating, drinking (none) all natural and all that. Coming to MDC ALL THE FREAKING TIME, reading everything I could, posting, and completely obsessing.

Well, in the past 4 weeks (during which I've had my period FOUR times - yup, do the math...) I have been drinking as much as I want, having sex as much as I want, and not checking MDC very much at all. And I've been pretty content (besides the bitchy episodes from having my period on and off for 4 weeks). I'm still eating healthfully, taking the viteys and all that, but keeping my life as normal as it was before is helping me out, rather than trying to restrict all kinds of stuff and obsess about it.

Although if my friend tells me one more time how both times she went off the pill, she got pregnant w/in 2 weeks, I am going to have some issues...

Live your life like you do, with all the fun and games, and do what you need to do to take control of your body, but try to live it like you always have. The more you try to change things to bring on the babies, the more dissappointed you may get when they don't come. It may not work for you, but it has been helping me.

Mom of 2 feisty boys and 1 busy business --Tmuffin--where we help moms connect through birth, babywearing, play, and parenthood.

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#28 of 29 Old 08-13-2008, 12:10 AM
 
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I have been trying not to obsess so much this month. Was working pretty good for me until I got an email from a sorta friend. She was telling me about her preg... andd that she heard that we were ttc again. Pretty sure my MIL is the one that told this person that we were TTC ... which kinda made me mad. It is kinda irrational since it isn't really a secret... but I don't want every tom dick and harry knowing that I cant get preg again. I feel like such a failure sometimes, altho I KNOW it isn't my fault. I am not really a private person... but if I only see someone about once a year I don't really think it is necessary to give details on my infertility issues!! Also, this "sorta friend" is good friends w/ my husbands ex-girlfriend, and I really don't need her to be all up on my infertility business!! My DH says I am being silly.. but I don't think so!
Anyways, going to try to go back to my non-obsessing.. hopefully!
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#29 of 29 Old 08-13-2008, 11:02 AM
 
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taking cue from a previous replyer (i made this word up - whee), i checked out yr blog. i even had some genuine LOLs.

i don't know how you feel, because this is only our first cycle TTC, but i can say that i know where you're coming from. all of my friends with babies got pg on accident or on the first try, and they just fracking assume that it's just that easy. some have even laughed at me for charting already. and it makes me angry/sad/outraged that their view of the world of baby-making is so narrow, that they believe that only women in their fracking late 40s have fertility troubles.

seriously wishing you the best.

Christie, mama to Maggie Lee 2/25/10
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