Blame the pregnancy? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 11-18-2015, 09:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Blame the pregnancy?

So, I'm trying to keep a positive attitude throughout the pregnancy. I'm typically a rather high stress type of person and find that I am the "do-er" in my house (as in I do things, instead of just talk about them). Before the pregnancy, I had no problem working full time +, keeping up the house, cooking every night as well as taking care of SD8. But more and more I'm just exhausted. I try to just power through but I am just pooped. I talked to SO about this and he assures me it's because I'm "growing a person" and that he'll pick up the slack.

The thing is though.... he's not. He does try but things just don't get done. Or, he'll start something and not finish (which is almost worse in my book). I've tried talking to him about it a couple times and it always just makes him feel bad so I end up just forgiving him and blaming my pregnancy hormones for why I'm so sensitive to the dishes piling up or the clothes being left in a heap in the dryer. But... I feel like that's a cop out. I don't want to make him feel bad, I just want some action and feel like if action doesn't happen, I'll just pick up the pace again and start doing it all (even though that makes SO unhappy too because he doesn't want me to push myself too much).

I guess I just don't know how to talk to him without it turning negative! Anyone else know what I'm talking about?


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#2 of 6 Old 11-18-2015, 10:43 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StepGirlfriend View Post
So, I'm trying to keep a positive attitude throughout the pregnancy. I'm typically a rather high stress type of person and find that I am the "do-er" in my house (as in I do things, instead of just talk about them). Before the pregnancy, I had no problem working full time +, keeping up the house, cooking every night as well as taking care of SD8. But more and more I'm just exhausted. I try to just power through but I am just pooped. I talked to SO about this and he assures me it's because I'm "growing a person" and that he'll pick up the slack.

The thing is though.... he's not. He does try but things just don't get done. Or, he'll start something and not finish (which is almost worse in my book). I've tried talking to him about it a couple times and it always just makes him feel bad so I end up just forgiving him and blaming my pregnancy hormones for why I'm so sensitive to the dishes piling up or the clothes being left in a heap in the dryer. But... I feel like that's a cop out. I don't want to make him feel bad, I just want some action and feel like if action doesn't happen, I'll just pick up the pace again and start doing it all (even though that makes SO unhappy too because he doesn't want me to push myself too much).

I guess I just don't know how to talk to him without it turning negative! Anyone else know what I'm talking about?
Oh Nerdy, tell me about it. This is my fifth pregnancy and it does not get better. I also have the urge to keep the house clean, but I lack energy right now.

I think pregnancy is a stressfull time for couples, you need to find a solution that satisfies both of you. Can you hire a helper once a week? Can you two clean together, so you can go slower but work on the small details. Can you work out a list of things to do and together decide how you are going to tackle it. If instead of complaining you offer solutions your SO might feel better about the problem.

Also, you need to remember that you need rest. Yes, a house clean, hot meals and tiddy space make us feel better, but your health is first. Take it slow and give you and your SO a break every once in a while.
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#3 of 6 Old 11-18-2015, 12:29 PM
 
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I totally relate! I made husband a grand dinner on Sunday night, cleaning as I went to minimize the final tally of dishes, and the dishes are still sitting in the kitchen. He has done some yard work the past couple of days which is something, but I try to emphasize to him that A) I need him to do the chores he doesn't like too, and B) if the smell in the kitchen gets too bad, I will not be a happy camper. He's actually been better than usual with picking up some of the slack, but I'm still the one who has to tell him what to do. We both work full-time, and I think he would agree that my job is more demanding than his, but yet I'm still the one who has to wrangle the house too.


I do have to give him credit for maintaining the yard and garden. However, the house needs help too.
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#4 of 6 Old 11-18-2015, 01:08 PM
 
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I'm not currently working, so I take care of most of the housework. Still, our dishwasher is unusable at the moment. We eat homemade meals almost exclusively and the constant pile of dishes gets old. Not to mention we have two large breed dogs that constantly track in leaves, dirt, etc. from the yard so trying to keep up with the floors is a constant battle as well. Sometimes, I still ask my husband to do the dishes and other things around the house, but he does the majority of the yard work so I think it all works out.
Soon, however, I will be needed to work as our finances can't support our bills, especially when his employer is cutting back on paying employees despite their huge profits. I already have a hard enough time keeping up with the house as it is (because of being tired, more pregnancy pain this time around, battling a UTI) so I wonder how things will go (Did I mention our dryer broke too?)
If it were financially an option (for those working full-time) I'd definitely look to hire some help here and there. Even a housekeeper every other week. If that isn't possible, then try to make a schedule or an agreement such as whoever doesn't cook the meal, cleans the kitchen. Go over the most important things and try to be flexible. If he hates the dishes, then he can choose something else (dusting, toilets, grocery shopping).

Other than that, things don't need to be perfect. We have a friend that is basically OCD- perfectly clean, organized, works several jobs- who I'm sure cringes when he leaves our place. Sometimes the dishes are on the counter, there is dust, our dogs lick the couch... shed. Sometimes I wish I could do better, but I really could care less for the most part (except I want hard wood floors- not this awful carpet).

Life happens and these are just small annoyances. Sometimes you just have to look at the big picture and ask what is most important and not forget to also enjoy this special time.
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#5 of 6 Old 11-19-2015, 06:30 AM
 
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Oh yes, yes, yes... I have, generally, higher standards for the upkeep our of home and am the one who does nearly all the work, and yes, while I'm pregnant my standards go up and my energy goes down!

Which can lead to pretty ugly 'I work harder' / 'no I do' / 'you need to help!' / 'I already do!' / 'it's good enough!' arguments in a hurry...

My standards actually have come down in some places over the years of having small children and working full time, ie it used to make me crazy if someone took a load of clean laundry out of the dryer and didn't fold it but just threw it in a basket or dumped it on the bed. Now, I'm thrilled that someone moved the laundry because I can start another load... (unless of course it was MY clothes that are getting wrinkled... Since I'm the only one that cares!) Whereas I feel more strongly that the floors just have to be clean with small children crawling and playing on them...

It's hard and I try not to lose my temper or just complain because it doesn't help anything. I don't want to get into hours or dollars or any of that even if secretly I believe I work harder or contribute more. It doesn't really matter as much as having a happy family and a (reasonably) hygienic home... But darn it all I'm pregnant, why should I be the one that comes home from work and has to make dinner every night AND do the dishes AND get the children ready for bed?! (ugly monster rears it's head again...)
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#6 of 6 Old 11-19-2015, 02:57 PM
 
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I was totally nonfunctional from weeks 5-14 of this pregnancy. At 18 weeks in I'm still not doing as much as normal. I've found that I just had to identify what are the most important things and stress that he get those done. Clean clothes in the dryer are no big deal. But dirty dishes? Big, big deal. If this is your first, I'd work on easing him in because you aren't going to be able to do it ALL when you have a baby. And he will need to realize that this is a new, but permanent, job of helping the home. I vote you focus on the things that deal with cleanliness. You will get your energy back and then you'll go into nesting mode and clean things that are even above your standards. I mean it. With my second I manically took apart the toaster.
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