It's kind of a long story involving some miscommunication and a lot of unprofessionalism and I think I'll never know the whole truth - some of us think the midwives got 'cold feet' about attending me due to my adrenal failure (which is very serious in that it is potentially life threatening BUT the treatment for which is very straightforward and which we had discussed when I first met them in the first trimester). They told me they thought the baby had IUGR and oligohydramnios around 37-38 weeks which frankly I didn't believe - I felt like they were exaggerating things and trying to scare me. (They told me the baby felt like it only weighed about 4.5 pounds - I've only limited experience palpating babies but was certain my baby was much closer to a healthy 7 pounds...) They wanted an ultrasound, I really didn't... In the end they had scared me with awful 'dead baby' stories (which no pregnant woman deserves to hear, let alone without any objective evidence!) until I agreed to get one. But at the last minute I decided to cancel the appointment I had made with their ultrasound provider and get one done at the clinic of an OB I knew, just to get a totally outside opinion based on my gut feeling.
Well, the ultrasound showed a perfectly formed, perfectly sized (about 7 pounds, what do you know?!) baby and perfect fluid levels... AKA either they were totally inept or totally lying to me and either way I was mad as hell. But it turned out not to matter that I had lost trust in them, because they had found out that I cancelled the first appointment and terminated my care. I literally got a voice-mail from their receptionist late on a Friday afternoon saying 'we've canceled your remaining appointments and will be sending you a partial refund' and that was it.... At 39 weeks. I got a certified letter in the mail later explaining that I could go to the local hospital if I went into labor... Gee thanks.
After some tears and much angst I had a very helpful conversation with a friend who helped me really work through all the 'how would you feel if...' situations I could envision as I tried to figure out in a hurry how and where I wanted to have this baby. We didn't have money for another midwife (most charge a similar fee no matter what stage in the pregnancy you enter their care) never mind how do you find a home birth midwife who isn't booked for a due date a week away let alone get to know her?! The hospital was the last place I wanted to be unless I truly felt there was a problem....
Unassisted birth intrigued me but scared me a little. But that's where I ended up, deciding that I would trust the birth process and that I would know if something were not right, and we could always decide to go to the hospital for help. In part, for me, I took reassurance in my limited midwifery training that I could handle minor complications, recognize a hemorrhage and treat it in the short term, and gave my husband plenty of 'in case of...' instructions. And.... I made a bit of a pact with the baby that I was going to do my part, and I expected he or she to do their part, and that included getting into position for birth and breathing when they came out!
When the time came it was very peaceful.... At one point I remember feeling so glad the midwives were not there, feeling sure they would have been an unwelcome presence. Later realizing how much strength and wisdom I drew from within because I *didn't* have anyone to turn to, to ask for help or to tell me what to do.... So I just did. It was hard, it hurt, and I felt like the most powerful mother lion in the world after I had done it. Hear me roar.
And there you have much of my first birth story, for anyone who made it to the end of my novel... My second birth was likewise unassisted but that was a decision I came to much earlier in the pregnancy! This time around I can envision nothing else... Although I know most women have no desire to birth alone and I can't say I would recommend it for most - my mantra remains that every woman should have access to a trusted, trained birth attendant of her choosing - I just... haven't found anyone I trust, I guess. Maybe that's a fault of mine. Some think I'm a reckless fool for sure. But I can't imagine having my babies any other way.