First primary, now secondary IF - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 29 Old 07-08-2010, 05:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Anyone else? It's lonely here.

Mama to an IVF baby girl, Lennon Emelia, born 6/3/08! and the Junebug kitty... Missing the Jeddy and Ashes kitties
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#2 of 29 Old 07-10-2010, 12:10 AM
 
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I'm still in the primary category, but sending you hugs. I know there are other mamas here going through the same as you.

Our little miracles are here!!joy.gif
energy.gif DD Born 7/15/11 biggrinbounce.gif DS Born 4/3/13
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#3 of 29 Old 07-10-2010, 09:47 AM
 
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Well I didn't have primary infertility. But am revisiting secondary infertility. And what worked in the past isn't working this time. Its also a lonely spot in the IF world. Good luck!

Leslie, mama to Paige 8, Zara 3 and Audrey, Sophia & Nina June 7/11 @32.6
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#4 of 29 Old 07-10-2010, 05:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm still in the primary category, but sending you hugs. I know there are other mamas here going through the same as you.
Thank you. I wish you peace & strength as you go through your struggle. I was there and Primary IF sucks so much worse.

Mama to an IVF baby girl, Lennon Emelia, born 6/3/08! and the Junebug kitty... Missing the Jeddy and Ashes kitties
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#5 of 29 Old 07-11-2010, 10:54 PM
 
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So sorry you are going through this! It took me two years of treatments to have DD (though my journey was much less invasive than yours, Clomid, met, trigger, IUI's.) DD was born in June 2008 and since my periods returned in August I've had 2 m/c. I want to give DD a sibling so badly. I am currently weaning DD so that I can start Femara cycles. Looking at my healthy happy DD lessens the pain, but it is still a huge heartache...compounded by the guilt that I am not grateful enough for DD and the realization of how lucky I am.

It is so hard as they turn two because so many of my friends, the parents of DD's playmates, are pregnant with #2 or have newborns now. And some of my friends who were supportive in the past are less understanding now that I have DD. Secondary infertility comes with a whole new level of complication and hurt. Not better or worse than last time...just different.
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#6 of 29 Old 07-11-2010, 11:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So sorry you are going through this! It took me two years of treatments to have DD (though my journey was much less invasive than yours, Clomid, met, trigger, IUI's.) DD was born in June 2008 and since my periods returned in August I've had 2 m/c. I want to give DD a sibling so badly. I am currently weaning DD so that I can start Femara cycles. Looking at my healthy happy DD lessens the pain, but it is still a huge heartache...compounded by the guilt that I am not grateful enough for DD and the realization of how lucky I am.

It is so hard as they turn two because so many of my friends, the parents of DD's playmates, are pregnant with #2 or have newborns now. And some of my friends who were supportive in the past are less understanding now that I have DD. Secondary infertility comes with a whole new level of complication and hurt. Not better or worse than last time...just different.
Wow, I totally could have written this. Thank you. I'm very sorry for your m/c. I feel so much guilt because I know I shouldn't be feeling like I don't have enough, because really I feel so eternally grateful. I'm an only child and had a miserable childhood (of course the circumstances were much different, but I've always wondered how my life would have been different if I had had a sibling with whom to commisserate) and I want my daughter to have that sibling relationship. For a while I didn't really know for sure if I was wanting another more for her than for me. Now that she self-weaned and the hormones have normalized (as normal as they can get for an infertile ) a bit, I know that I really really want to mother another child. What I don't want is to go through another IVF cycle. Unfortunately, out of 18 fertilized embryos, all of them died except for the one that became DD so we don't have any frozen embies so if we wanted to go forward with more ARTs we'd have to do another fresh cycle. I don't have the emotional, mental, or physical stamina to do that now. I just turned 40 and I can't go through that again. Even if I did, we don't have another $10k.

So, we just try the old fashioned way and send good fertile vibes up into the universe and hope that somehow I'll become one of the lucky ones, who, after a multiple myomectomy, 4 failed injects/IUIs, a laparoscopy, and IVF (and all the blood draws and transvag ultrasounds that go on during and in between) will be magically made fertile.

You're totally right about how it's harder now that DD is 2. I started noticing all the pregnant women with toddlers walking around everywhere. I don't want to become that bitter person again so I remain thankful for what I have and hope for the best.

Good luck to you and thanks for the support.

Mama to an IVF baby girl, Lennon Emelia, born 6/3/08! and the Junebug kitty... Missing the Jeddy and Ashes kitties
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#7 of 29 Old 07-11-2010, 11:39 PM
 
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Yes. Primary IF, infant loss, and secondary IF. Took ~3 years to conceive ds1. He was stillborn at 38 weeks. DS2 was conceived in "just" 1 year. He is a healthy almost-5-year-old. Baby #3 took 3 1/2 years to conceive. The issue I had, too, was that dh was against any fertility treatments because we did conceive our first two in between treatments. It took me 2 1/2 years of trying to convince him to agree to meeting with a doctor again. A year's worth of dr's appts. resulting in baby #3 (I'm only 5 1/2 weeks along).

I am over the moon happy about having ds2 here with us and I feel like I shouldn't ask for anything more, but our family is not complete with just him. IF didn't bring the same raw pain the second time around since I had him to hold, but it was still a very difficult journey.

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#8 of 29 Old 07-13-2010, 01:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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IF didn't bring the same raw pain the second time around since I had him to hold, but it was still a very difficult journey.

I agree, it is infinitely easier this time around knowing that I have DD and acknowledging how close we came to not ever being able to have her. Good luck to you!

Mama to an IVF baby girl, Lennon Emelia, born 6/3/08! and the Junebug kitty... Missing the Jeddy and Ashes kitties
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#9 of 29 Old 07-20-2010, 06:29 PM
 
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I did numerous IUI's and 4 IVF's till DD, now I have done 6 IVF's pp awaiting IVF #7 to start within 2 weeks.

It is hard to learn to grieve each failed cycle while rejoicing in DD. I try to limit my pain to the time she is asleep. I don't want her to suffer in anyway because of this. I read a post by a women on IVFC who said she was so sad, she missed out on the joy of raising her first born. Only after a few years did she see that. I am determined not to let that happen to us.

DD is now 19 mo, I had really wanted them close in age, and that dream is slowly not to be realized. I am afraid that at some point I will have to give up on the dream of giving her a sibling altogether.
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#10 of 29 Old 07-20-2010, 06:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DD is now 19 mo, I had really wanted them close in age, and that dream is slowly not to be realized. I am afraid that at some point I will have to give up on the dream of giving her a sibling altogether.
I wanted them close in age too, more so I could finish two pregnancies while I was under 40 years old.

I'm trying to look at the bright side of this though. If we are fortunate enough to have another child, it will certainly be easier to have one kid already out of diapers, maybe in school, able to play unsupervised, more independent, etc. I had a very difficult time mothering an infant- probably a combination of factors involved, including: her neediness, my inexperience, my advanced maternal age, raging hormones, etc. And I often wondered how I could possibly manage with another infant. Plus I worked full-time, pumped and nursed exclusively- very time consuming but it was important to me that she never take an ounce of formula ever. It was very challenging early on. My feeling is that maybe this is a blessing in disguise since maybe things will be a lot easier the 2nd time around with DD not demanding as much of my time.

or I could be just saying all this to make myself feel better!

Mama to an IVF baby girl, Lennon Emelia, born 6/3/08! and the Junebug kitty... Missing the Jeddy and Ashes kitties
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#11 of 29 Old 07-21-2010, 02:11 AM
 
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Wow - I can relate to many of you!!! So many of these posts I could have written myself.

I was told in my early 30's my an RE I would never have a baby without IVF. We didn't have the money, so we put it on the back burner. At age 35 I decided to have a 2nd opinion. That Dr said he thought IUI would work. 1st try, and it did!! THEN.........I had a dreaded cesarean. I was told I needed to wait 18 months from birth of DS#1 to start fertility tx again. So we started at 17 months w/a new clinic since we had moved...5 failed IUI's!!!!

It was getting really tough - nearly all of my DS's playfriends now had at least one sibling, the two who didn't were also dealing with IF. One friend was pg with #3 when my 5th IUI failed!! It was torture, so say the least. We had always wanted our kids to be close in age. Waiting until the 18 month mark had never been in our plans with IF...

So, we changed clinics again. Then I was almost 39...IUI failed - talk of IVF. Did NOT want IVF...so we tried another IUI on higher dose of Femara. It worked!!! Then m/c at 9.5 weeks - and now my 2 friends who also had IF were pg and due within 8 weeks of me!! To make matters worse - that was the last matching vial of donor sperm we had for DS to have a full sibling.

Had to wait 2 cycles to start again - 3 more IUI's all BFN. RE said IVF now the only option. I was resigned to be done - we started the adoption process. THEN, I turned 40...went back to RE - said what are my chances, this is my last time. Did all the tests, etc. and now 3 months after my 40th bday we are gearing up for IVF#1. We only have enough money for one fresh cycle, and I'm praying we get enough to freeze, just in case.

I'm terrified it won't work - sad my DS will be !!!!FIVE!!!! if this LO is conceived next month. It seems so far apart in age. I was 9 years younger than my sister, and never had a good relationship with her until my 30's...I don't want that for DS.

Ironically, the projected ER date when we started this cycle was the exact date I conceived DS 5 years ago. I'm hoping that is a good sign.

Married 15 years to DH - 1st IUI (8/05) BFP w/ DS, Started TTC#2 10/08 - 5 failed IUI's, 1 BFP - m/c @ 9.5 weeks, 3 more failed IUI's. IVF#1 July/Aug
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#12 of 29 Old 07-21-2010, 04:34 PM
 
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I wanted them close in age too, more so I could finish two pregnancies while I was under 40 years old.
I wanted to have all of my kids before 30! Well I had DD when I was 38 and I am now 40.
It might have been harder for me if I had them close together, but then raising twins can be tough on the parents at times too. It is better for them, I believe.
chickeedoodle- I can't believe they had you wait for 18 months! The Dr who did my c-section, while checking me in the recovery room told me not to wait. She told me to start trying again after 6 months, and that is what I did. approved by both my gynecologist and my RE.
It is frustrating to see others pg, both my SIL and my sister are pg, and it seems that everywhere I go everyone is pg!
To only be able to do only 1 IVF, that is sad. What protocol will you be using?
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#13 of 29 Old 07-21-2010, 08:38 PM
 
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chickeedoodle- I can't believe they had you wait for 18 months!
To only be able to do only 1 IVF, that is sad. What protocol will you be using?
RE said 12 month minimum - and had to be done breastfeeding. OB and Midwife said 18 months if I wanted to go for a VBAC. (which I absolutely do)

I'm on the Luteal Estrace Antagonist Protocol. Hoping I make enough for freezing, then we can do another cycle if necessary.

My DH is very positive this will work. He believes that since the only known problem is his sperm (we used donor for IUI's) So I'm trying to be very positive too. I just started the pre-IVF acupuncture protocol last night, so I know I'm doing everything I can to make this work.

here's hoping!!!

Married 15 years to DH - 1st IUI (8/05) BFP w/ DS, Started TTC#2 10/08 - 5 failed IUI's, 1 BFP - m/c @ 9.5 weeks, 3 more failed IUI's. IVF#1 July/Aug
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#14 of 29 Old 07-21-2010, 08:40 PM
 
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I wanted them close in age too, more so I could finish two pregnancies while I was under 40 years old.
I felt the same way. Originally our plan was to have 4 kids before I hit 40. Yeah, someone was NOT listening to our plan! Now I'd just be thrilled to have two total!!!

Married 15 years to DH - 1st IUI (8/05) BFP w/ DS, Started TTC#2 10/08 - 5 failed IUI's, 1 BFP - m/c @ 9.5 weeks, 3 more failed IUI's. IVF#1 July/Aug
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#15 of 29 Old 07-22-2010, 03:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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chickeedoodle, what a rollercoaster that must have been. I'm so sorry you have been going through all of that.

I picked up some progesterone cream to try to help lengthen my LP. That's the extent of the medically-assisted *trying* we've been doing. I wish I had the $ and the emotional strength to do another IVF but I'm just done. I have so much respect for anyone who has gone through this multiple times.

Funny (not funny, haha, obviously ) thing is, after my c-section my OB told me that from her perspective, all the scar tissue and adhesions that I had prior to pregnancy (dont' know if I mentioned but I had multiple myomectomy in 2004, they removed 9 fibroids ranging in size from grapefruit to large grape* so I had my uterus completely reconstructed and the scar tissue remained all over my tubes, ovaries, intestines, things were stuck together and some of these adhesions remained after my laparoscopy) had broken apart during pregnancy and she didn't see any reason why I couldn't get pregnant on my own. Of course she wasn't necessarily considering the fact that 17 of 18 embryos died on us so there could be poor quality issues as well. So I'm foolishly letting myself believe that there is still hope to get pg on our own without invasive ARTs.

*sidenote... why must they always refer to tumors in terms of fruit?! Fruit is yummy and I don't want to be reminded of my fibroids every time I bite into a grapefruit.

Mama to an IVF baby girl, Lennon Emelia, born 6/3/08! and the Junebug kitty... Missing the Jeddy and Ashes kitties
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#16 of 29 Old 07-22-2010, 06:50 PM
 
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*sidenote... why must they always refer to tumors in terms of fruit?! Fruit is yummy and I don't want to be reminded of my fibroids every time I bite into a grapefruit.
Ha! Ha! I am just glad they are off the sports theme, would you rather them referring to your 2 golf balls 3 tennis and one soccer ball?

They did not even discuss the type of birth I hope to have, they just wanted me not to wait because of my age and the complications during the pg. I defiantly would prefer not to have another c-section, but, hey, lets get pg first!

chickeedoodle - Do you suspect another problem, apart from DH's, since the IUI's didn't work?
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#17 of 29 Old 07-23-2010, 03:14 AM
 
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chickeedoodle, what a rollercoaster that must have been. I'm so sorry you have been going through all of that.
Yeah, it has been pretty crazy - and of course how irony is...we recently got a letter from our adoption agency that we can move forward to the training seminar, which is the LAST thing to do before entering the waiting pool...the date of the seminar is 7 days after my projected beta date for IVF... ACK!

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*sidenote... why must they always refer to tumors in terms of fruit?! Fruit is yummy and I don't want to be reminded of my fibroids every time I bite into a grapefruit.
I agree! I'd rather hear them related to softballs, golfballs, and large marbles!!

Married 15 years to DH - 1st IUI (8/05) BFP w/ DS, Started TTC#2 10/08 - 5 failed IUI's, 1 BFP - m/c @ 9.5 weeks, 3 more failed IUI's. IVF#1 July/Aug
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#18 of 29 Old 07-23-2010, 03:30 AM
 
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Ha! Ha! I am just glad they are off the sports theme, would you rather them referring to your 2 golf balls 3 tennis and one soccer ball?
Funny - I'd rather have them referred to as sports related items!

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chickeedoodle - Do you suspect another problem, apart from DH's, since the IUI's didn't work?
First clinic I went to after DS birth didn't have any ideas why they failed. When I switched to another clinic they suspected cesarean caused secondary IF...did a bunch of tests, everything came back fine. Then got pg on 2nd try! Now they just suspect my age - although my Clomid challenge went fine - FSh normal - AMH slighly low, but not too bad for my age... I also didn't know (until recently!!) that IUI's fail rate is higher as you age. No one mentioned that until I was nearing 39.5. Wish the first clinic had said something!!

So I'm trying to be very hopeful that this will work. My RE says she puts me in the best prognosis category, since I've been pg, birthed, and been pg again. So here's hoping she's right!!!

Married 15 years to DH - 1st IUI (8/05) BFP w/ DS, Started TTC#2 10/08 - 5 failed IUI's, 1 BFP - m/c @ 9.5 weeks, 3 more failed IUI's. IVF#1 July/Aug
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#19 of 29 Old 07-23-2010, 10:59 AM
 
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I never bought the "it's your age" answer. That is what they say when they don't know what is wrong, with any issue, not only IF. I believe there is something that causes both "aging" and whatever problem you are dealing with. Maybe it is execs free radicals, maybe it is a lifelong bad habit catching up to you. There is something other than a number that they don't have answers for. It is too easy to blame the c-section, but then numerous women have had lots of kids after a c-section. This is what I respect about my team of RE's - they say "we don't know, lets try this next", and onward. It is good that your meeting comes after the beta, hopefully you won't need it, but it is always good to have a "plan B" ready.

Hope your RE is right!
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#20 of 29 Old 07-23-2010, 11:34 AM
 
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I never bought the "it's your age" answer. That is what they say when they don't know what is wrong, with any issue, not only IF. I believe there is something that causes both "aging" and whatever problem you are dealing with. Maybe it is execs free radicals, maybe it is a lifelong bad habit catching up to you. There is something other than a number that they don't have answers for. It is too easy to blame the c-section, but then numerous women have had lots of kids after a c-section. This is what I respect about my team of RE's - they say "we don't know, lets try this next", and onward. It is good that your meeting comes after the beta, hopefully you won't need it, but it is always good to have a "plan B" ready.

Hope your RE is right!
REALLY?!? You don't think that the eggs you've had since you were inutero don't deteriorate over time, your hormones don't slow down/change, your body doesn't age over time? For heaven's sake - I'm over 40 - I don't expect to have the fertility of a 25 year old.... lol

Yes, many women go on to have babies after cesareans, but cesareans DO cause secondary IF. Scar tissue around the ovaries, ovaries/tubes getting smashed after you uterus has been manipulated and moved around, scar tissue on your uterus....just to name a few things that can go wrong...

I'm perfectly thrilled with my RE. They have run every test possible (some of them twice!) and nothing seems to be showing why I wouldn't get pg again. When IUI's have less than a 20% success rate, I don't see why I would assume anything is "wrong" with me...

It is nice the class is after the beta, however, I have to send the money in now - have been waiting 7 months to get into the training...just seems like crazy timing...oh well, it is what it is!

Married 15 years to DH - 1st IUI (8/05) BFP w/ DS, Started TTC#2 10/08 - 5 failed IUI's, 1 BFP - m/c @ 9.5 weeks, 3 more failed IUI's. IVF#1 July/Aug
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#21 of 29 Old 07-24-2010, 04:38 PM
 
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REALLY?!? You don't think that the eggs you've had since you were inutero don't deteriorate over time, your hormones don't slow down/change, your body doesn't age over time? For heaven's sake - I'm over 40 - I don't expect to have the fertility of a 25 year old.... lol
I don't think they deteriorate over time since they are not yet in a stage to be developed or used until the body (or the meds) selects them and starts growing them. Hormones don't slow or change without a reason. I believe that something has to pass a critical mass in order to "be aging". For example, free radical damage has accumulated irreversibly and therefore multiple cell damage is expressed outwardly in what we call aging. The body does not know how old we are, it only knows hormone function and so forth. I don't expect to have the fertility of a 25 year old because I know that irreversible damage has added up. If they knew how to reverse the damage then I would expect the fertility of a 25 year old at age 40. Age is a symptom, not a cause, that is why when I hear them saying "age", I understand it to mean "we don't know and won't admit it".

I has a c-section and anyone who has checked me was very happy with the scar, internally and externally. They found no scar tissue, other than at the incision site. There is still plenty of room in the uterus for implant ion other than the scar site. I haven't heard of any studies done on success rates for implantation after a c-section but I will look it up.

There are so many things that can go wrong... here's to hope!
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#22 of 29 Old 07-26-2010, 02:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I believe my egg quality has definitely deteriorated, don't know if it's necessarily from 'age' or just from external factors like pollution, chemicals, etc. I know for a fact that under laboratory conditions, 94% of my embryos died so there's definitely something going on. But who knows, maybe it's my diet or the fact that I don't exercise enough and that's completely independent of my age. I know that being 40 can't be helping my situation.

So far we seem to be doing better with the addition of some progesterone cream. I've been applying it nightly since after ovulation and I am getting a bit of spotting today, which means if AF holds off until tomorrow I'll have a 10-day LP which is much better than normal. Which isn't necessarily going to help much, considering that it's merely ONE variable out of many that needs to be just right, but it can't hurt.

Mama to an IVF baby girl, Lennon Emelia, born 6/3/08! and the Junebug kitty... Missing the Jeddy and Ashes kitties
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#23 of 29 Old 08-06-2010, 03:09 AM
 
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I feel you.

I also wanted to have all my kids before 30 and near ages... but that didn't happen :/
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#24 of 29 Old 08-06-2010, 10:01 AM
 
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Yeah, well, my thirties are over, but maybe they still can be close in age. I am starting cycle #11 Sunday.
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#25 of 29 Old 09-02-2010, 12:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by sondacop View Post
Yeah, well, my thirties are over, but maybe they still can be close in age. I am starting cycle #11 Sunday.
good luck!

Mama to an IVF baby girl, Lennon Emelia, born 6/3/08! and the Junebug kitty... Missing the Jeddy and Ashes kitties
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#26 of 29 Old 09-02-2010, 02:57 PM
 
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Thanks!
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#27 of 29 Old 12-29-2010, 07:52 PM
 
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Me too.  It sucks, a lot.  TTC #1 for 2 years, and then after he was born, nada.  Much acupuncture, herbs, craniosacral therapy, chiropractic work, all to no avail.

 

It makes me feel guilty, like I must be greedy, why can't I be content with DS?  I love him to bits; I just always envisioned having 3 kids.  Finally going back to some IF treatments--but we're more alternative methods folks, we'll give it one more try.  If not, adoption for us.

 

Hugs.  You are not alone.

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#28 of 29 Old 01-01-2011, 08:18 PM
 
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Yup, I'm right there with you.  It took IVF for #1.  He's 2 now and we've been trying for #2 since #1 was born.  We've done a FET, that failed, already and are now gearing up for IVF #2.  This will be our last attempt at ART.


Me 36, DH 40

IVF #1=DS 4 luxlove.gif, FET #1=BFNmecry.gif, IVF #2=angel.gif, IVF #3= DD brand new! luxlove.gif

2 horses, 1 dog, 1 cat

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#29 of 29 Old 01-09-2011, 06:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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wondering if we've had any happy updates since my previous post last summer.

 

We've since decided to stop TTC.  we weren't willing to go to any extreme measures- meaning ARTs- for multiple reasons but primarily, financial and the emotional strain.  It has now been 2 years since my PP return of AF and nothing.  Plus, my visit to my GYN last fall confirmed that I have another fibroid which will make things even more challenging.

 

So my daughter will be an only child, and while I'm making peace with that, I still will always be saddened when I think of the life I wanted to give her but couldn't.  As she gets older & older (she's now 2 & 1/2), I am trying to figure out how to respond after her first inquiry as to 'why don't I have a brother or sister', or the first time she requests a brother or sister for her birthday present.  I'm thinking I should just be honest with her and tell her that mommy & daddy wanted to have another baby but couldn't.  I hope that's enough for her because I'm not sure what else to say.  My parents were never honest with me about my only child status until I was an adult and I always wondered if it had something to do with me.

 

Hopefully there has been good news to share over the past few months.  good luck to everyone still trying.


Mama to an IVF baby girl, Lennon Emelia, born 6/3/08! and the Junebug kitty... Missing the Jeddy and Ashes kitties
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