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Old 01-05-2011, 09:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So,  I have been having issues with my family lately.  They have been SUPER insensitive.  I posted a thread earlier that I found out that my sister-in-law is pregnant with twins (babies 7 and 8 for her) on Facebook.  Mom says "it's God's plan" that I'm not pregnant yet.  I want to slap her for saying that.  I've told her every time she says that, that it is extremely hurtful...it still happens.  

 

So, I emailed her some links similar to "The Top 10 Things Never to Say to Someone Coping with Infertility."  I am just at my wits end.  She doesn't listen to me when I tell her that her comments hurt my feelings.  No one in the family gets why I am upset, why I have a hard time dealing with things, and don't think they have to talk to me any differently about things...

 

Anyone have any fabulous resources (websites, books, etc.) that I could give to her?  I just don't know how to get them to understand that how they talk to me is causing me some serious pain and really making me distance myself from them.  Any other strategies you've used to get your families to "get it?"


M, married to B, Step-Mom to J coolshine.gif, with one of these cat.gif, and two of thesedog2.gifdog2.gif
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Old 01-07-2011, 10:19 PM
 
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Sorry I'm a little late in posting here, but here are two resources that I sent to a friend who recently said something hurtful:

 

http://www.inspire.com/groups/finding-a-resolution-for-infertility/discussi on/holiday-letter-to-family-and-friends/

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility -etiquette.html

(Um for some reason those are not showing up as links, and also it looks like some extra spaces are in there??)

 

There's also the possibility that people just won't EVER get it, or be able to be supportive or even be able to NOT be actively mean. Some people are clueless, some people are so focused on themselves (and avoiding discomfort, or "explaining" something bad away so they don't have to imagine it could happen to them, or whatever) that there just isn't room in their worldview for your actual reality. In that case, it's possible that the only way to avoid the hurt is to disengage. You said it perfectly, and you could even just say that: how [you] talk to me is causing me some serious pain and really making me distance myself from [you]. if you are able to say that in a non-emotional/non-blaming way, it might be easier for her to hear it. But there's probably not a lot of ways that someone can say that and have it be easy to hear! It's possible that she is sincerely trying to be comforting to you by saying that (and just GROSSLY missing the mark).

 

I can't speak to the spiritul aspect of it, but on the resolve support boards I have seen a lot of threads there where people talk about how to respond to that. If you haven't been on that site, check it out (you need a membership to see most of the posts, but it's free and non-spammy).

 

I'm sorry that they aren't able to be supportive...major major major hugs. I have found very few people that are really able to be there, be present, listen, and be truly supportive.


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Old 01-08-2011, 09:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for posting that.  I REALLY like the first link to the holiday letter.  I might just take that as a guide and add and edit some things to send to them, as well as the other link.


M, married to B, Step-Mom to J coolshine.gif, with one of these cat.gif, and two of thesedog2.gifdog2.gif
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