I never post in this subforum, but I had to "talk about this" and I don't know anyone who would understand.
I lost it today in church. Fought back the ugly cry. Couldn't speak. Couldn't sing. Just tried to keep from letting anyone see that I was cracking. Maybe it was the hormones of being on my first period in nearly a year. Maybe it was the baby girl in the pew in front of us, dressed all in white for her baptism. Maybe it was the praise music I was attempting to sing. Maybe it was just the most honest and desperate prayer my soul has ever prayed without the permission of my body. All I know is, in an instant it was as if I was mourning the loss of the child that never existed, missing the brother or sister that my son never had.
I was overwhelmed and simultaneously afraid someone would notice the tears threatening to stream down my face. And somehow, in light of all that, I even hid my tears from my husband. He wouldn't understand. As if it's bad enough that my body won't cooperate with his "let go and let God" attitude, my husband won't commit to actively trying to conceive, and certainly not trying a round of Clomid as suggest by my OBGYN. I can't seem to convince him to take the next step to try, and it obviously isn't just going to "happen on its own" like he is hoping. I'm stuck in limbo, while our son gets older every day, without a sibling. I feel hopeless.
I was coming here to vent, then saw your post... I don't know exactly how you feel, but I think we can understand each other's perspective. :/
I was going to vent that I'm tired of getting SO excited when AF shows... lasts a week... and stops on her own... I get myself all excited that just MAYBE this time, I'll *actually* ovulate, and we'll *actually* DTD at the right time, and things will *actually* do what they're designed to do, and 40ish weeks from now, we'll *actually* be a family of 3... when it seems like all those *actually*s are ACTUALLY *never*s. :::sigh:::: Sometimes I have to hold back tears just seeing ads for baby "stuff."
You're in my prayers, Kat.
Oh, gosh. Seeing this post brought me right back to being in the thick of it. Lots of to both of you.
I have no advice. I remember getting it and thinking how easy it was for the person on the other side of the fertility battle to rattle off things. And it is. And it doesn't do justice to what you are going through. Doesn't even come close.
Talk. Rant. Yell. Do what keeps you sane. Know that there are folks to talk to if you want to, me included.
Adina mama to B 4/06 and E 8/13/12 (on her due date!)
Oooh, I've been there. I waited two years to TTC and they SUCKED. *hugs*
Church brought out the waterworks in me too. Lots of small children and pregnant women and happy families.
I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I feel a tremendous sadness myself right now as well. I just feel so helpless.
We've been casually TTC for 5 years. Just recently learned that we have male factor infertility, and possibly other infertility issues, too. We're in the diagnosis phase of our fertility journey.
At the same time, we're going through an extremely frustrating adoption situation. It's unlikely we will be able to adopt the child who has shared our home and hearts for the last year.
I feel very alone. Our adoption situation is obvious (transracial) so we get questions and comments ALL the time. People are kind but they're so so so very ignorant that they often say hurtful things unintentionally.
This is a hard road.
I also have no advice for what you are going though, although I have had the experience of being in church and having tears spring to my eyes in emotion over a smile or laugh or wiggle of a baby nearby. I will keep you in my prayers on your journey, as I know you keep all of us in yours. I came here looking for advice on what PP just said. I have a friend & coworker- who anytime TTC comes up (and often it is her asking) tells me to 'Relax' and that it is never going to happen b/c we are 'Trying too hard'... (btw, I will never understand why she just keeps asking just to knock me down) & oh sorry, I was unaware you could want something 'too badly'. It makes me fume and at the same time feel SO helpless because I don't know how to politely, or impolitely make this person understand the way it feels to know almost 'too much' about my body & know that there is no turning back to the unknown when every part of your body tells you where you are in you cycle & you know if your heart that it is SO right to want a baby. It is just so exhausting. This is a person who herself got pg the month after she got married ' Surprise ', and is surrounded by people who sneeze and get pregnant. I just feel so defeated when we it comes up.
I feel like this is where I can safely turn, people who understand. I know the journey will be so much easier on the other side of it, and I know we will all make it to the other side of it, in God's time.