I had two daughters who struggled with infertility and they share their stories along with 45 other couples in my book Dear God, Why Can't I Have a Baby? A Companion Guide for Couples on the Infertility Journey. I have a chapter on Secondary Infertility and daughter Shannon shares her story: after having a successful IVF, she thought the second would go the same way...but after 7 years and 4 failed IVF's she was beginning to lose hope.
Your idea of a virtual support group is awesome! Shannon is an advocate of support groups where others know how you're feeling without you even having to say a word.
One woman shared in the book that while doing tests for secondary infertility, she discovered she really shouldn't have had the first one. Her child became so much more precious to her then.
Here's a quote from the book that might help put things into perspective:
"Spend time with the child you have. While you're longing to give your child a sibling, what your child really wants is you--loving, not longing, parents. Be careful not to shift all your emotions and efforts to creating another child and lose sight of God's creation in your arms."
Waturmama - I thought that was just me! My DD has lovely curly hair. I was thinking the other day as I helped her fix barrettes "I hope the next baby has hair just like hers". There is no next baby in sight. But is was still a sweet thought, hopeful, not really sad, until I over-thought it. I never thought I would be a mother, now I am struggling to accept that I will most likely be a mother to just one child.
Thank you JThompson for your support. I appreciate hearing those stories.
Wow, julieven, that is wild. It is good to know I'm not alone, though I am sorry for your struggles.
Mama to DS (3/05 ), wife to DH , remembering and Spirit 1/07, Hope 5/09, Harmony 6/10, Love 5/11, Joy 6/11
Dear mamas, after more than two years of ttc for our second we are finally pregnant. Five year old DS was conceived pretty quickly, and it somehow just didn't feel right to go the medical route in trying for our second child. So I stuck with just trying and hoping...until I recently came across this energy healing system which works on similar principles as reiki and other alternative systems of healing. It is free and do-it-yourself and I felt moved to give it a try. I just used a glass of water for the charging, and did the infertility combination for both DH and myself. I noticed some changes right away. My ovulation time which had been around CD 14 all my life had started to slip back to CD 12 in the past year or so (though my cycle continued to be 28 days long). After I started this therapy, my ovulation day moved back to CD 14. After about 50 days of the therapy, we conceived. I do think doing this helped us, and I just wanted to put it out here in case any of you mamas feel it may be right for you.
The hardest part of the journey was the being in limbo - not knowing whether we'd have another child or not. I'm just glad the waiting is over :) All the best to each of you on your journeys. Wishing you much peace and love and light.
ETA: I have to add though, that I learned such deep lessons in surrender and letting go these past two years that looking back, I wouldn't want it any other way. It was worth the wait. And it would have been worth it even if we had not got pregnant.
peanutgirl, I think I saw the health articles from that site regarding diet and lifestyle posted on a yahoogroup with the source url mentioned. I was impressed with the article, had looked over the site, and bookmarked it. In the past few months the thought kept coming up that I should try the energy healing for infertility I'd seen on the site. I thought well, there'd be no harm in giving it a shot...after all, all it involves is charging a glass of water with some energy patterns and drinking it. The rest is history :)
I have not been using Mothering lately, but came upon this thread tonight. May I join you?
My husband and I are each 34, and have a 3.5 year old son. We've been trying to conceive another child for a year now. We've not had any testing or medical consultation, but think we'll approach that soon. I've had some acupuncture and Chinese herbs for a few months, but stopped that in May due to multiple factors. I'd like to think about going back, but feel it'd be best to have some idea if there are specific conditions to address. I have normal cycles and we conceived our son in 7 cycles, which seemed so long at the time, but like a dream come true now!
I can so identify with what many of you have described as you journey through the emotions associated with fertility/conception/parenthood. I ask myself many of the same questions; how do we deal with the longing, and what (exactly) are we longing for? How to cope with the envy? How do we stay present with our wonderful son, and how do we cope with his beginning to notice that most of our circle's children have sisters and brothers, while our family does not? How to respond gently to folks who ask us about when we're having another child when we're feeling raw and ungentle with ourselves about it? Where are we willing/able to go with diagnosis and treatment?
As some of you have expressed, there's so much urge toward wanting to know what will happen. All this wanting...it's hard to let it go!
I've found energy work to be beneficial, in the form of craniosacral therapy. My therapist is a wonderfully wise and inuitive woman who helps me to feel my best, to be gentle to myself, to pay attention to now and to access my spirit instead of just my mind/logic. Talking with supportive friends helps. Giving myself a break over the summer from charting my cycles obsessively was a great way to let it go a bit. After talking with an OB/GYN MD colleague, I think I will proceed to having some bloodwork, a semen analysis for my DH, and go from there. We're unwilling, at this point, to use medical intervention to try to conceive, but would consider using supplements, acupuncture, etc.
Anyhow, that's me and thanks for having this thread. It's always helpful to hear about others' experiences in similar situations, and to see a different outlook from the expressions of entitlement and frustration to be found on some other forums from those trying to be pregnant.
Hi to you all,
I have not been on Mothering for a long time and just thought I'd check in for some moral support and found this thread. I am 45, our dd is 7, my dh is 48. Our biggest challenge is erectile dysfunction. I have gotten pretty good at charting and knowing when it would be a good time to try and then he is unable to provide the semen. It is so frustrating for both of us. He talked about trying something like Viagra, but we are also searching for other options.
For me, it is getting frustrating because I feel like I am doing so much to optimize our chances (diet, herbs, yoga, charting, next week starting acupuncture) and he clearly is not as obsessed as I am and he's embarrassed and frustrated about his inability to perform when needed.
Any ideas or anyone have this challenge?
Hi Cindy and welcome :)
It can be frustrating when we feel like we're the ones doing all the stuff to make it happen and our DH's aren't taking on the same responsibility - especially when it may be their piece of the puzzle that's needing some attending to. When my DH got tested and it came back that there were some things to fix, I felt relieved in a way. Relieved that it wasn't just me. But I can also see how it might be frustrating and embarrassing for your DH to be facing this too. Open communication is always my best bet. Having frank (and sometimes awkward) conversations usually gets DH and I on the same page. How do you feel about validating his possible feelings of frustration and embarrassment and then letting him know how much you love him and think he's a manly man (or whatever he might be worried about) and then having a discussion about how he can help the situation?
I have a friend whose husband used Viagra because the TTC sex was too much for him to handle. They ended up getting pregnant that cycle! It has been our joke that it was the Viagra, although who knows. I'm sure there are plenty of people using Viagra who aren't getting pregnant.
Hugs to you :)
Thanks so much for welcoming me. We did have a talk about it - you know it's hard to talk about conceiving a child when you have a seven year old around most of the time and you are not planning to tell her about what you're up to! I am not planning to share it with her until we are pretty far along in a pregnancy. My husband is going to get Viagra! I never thought I'd be in this place doing this, but here we go.
Have any of you read Julia Indichova's book "The Fertile Female?" I found it very inspiring and am re-reading it now. She also went through secondary infertility and then went on to conceive at, I believe, age 43.
I also looked online and Wikipedia has a whole page on women who have conceived past age 40 both with and without ART. That gives me hope.
mamasee - that's exciting about Viagra!! My friend said that, well, how do I put this, she was kind of horrified by how hard it was. Just to warn you. But hey, if it gets the job done - great!
And, when I got pregnant with my DS (he's 5.5 now), in my birthing class there was a 50-year-old woman who had two teenage girls, was divorced and had a younger guy she fooled around with. She thought she was in menopause, but nope, she (and he) ended up my birthing class!! She had a great pregnancy and great labor too. It always inspires me when I feel like I'm getting too old to do this - 50!!