Infertility for Beginners: "things I wish I had known" - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 17 Old 01-31-2013, 08:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey all,

 

Many of you know me, I haven't been around much the last few months, but for the last 19 months I have struggled with infertility and repeated miscarriages. This board has been a great support to me, particularly some of the veterans when I was at the beginning of my journey.

 

I'm doing a lot better these last few months, partially because I'm now working with a fantastic doctor but also because  I have just reached a place of acceptance. 7 months ago I was miserable, more depressed than I've ever been in my life. My journey is far from over, but I feel confident I will not be that low again (or at least I hope not).

 

Anyway, all this is to say, I was thinking of compiling advice from infertility "veterans". Something along the lines of "what do you wish you had known" (or taken to heart). Ranging from emotional advice to medical advice to other things.

 

I'll start.

 

1. I wish I had known that REs can do more than just IUI or IVF, that there's a whole range of things they can do. I didn't know this before, and I was scared of IVF, so I put off going to a doctor. I wish I hadn't waited.

 

2. I also would advise someone to be as honest and open with their loved ones about their infertility situation as possible, because for the most part, that has really helped me-- getting support from friends and family.

 

What are some other good pieces of advice?

 

I'm the first among my core group of friends to TTC, so I anticipate down the road some of them might come to me for advice.


Happily married for 5 years. Tried for our first baby 6/2011, got preg right away, and miscarried. Took a 4 month break, and then had nothing but infertility & a few early miscarriages until 12/2012 when we learned I had a lumpy edge in my uterus. Doc removed it and now we are trying again....

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#2 of 17 Old 02-01-2013, 12:30 PM
 
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This is a great topic idea!

 

Here are some more:

 

- Infertility is one of the hardest things you will ever go through. Don't let anyone tell you that you are "overreacting" or "thinking about it too much" or "taking things too seriously". You have the right to find it very difficult.

 

- A good psychologist who specialises in infertility can be a great asset to help you get through everything.

 

- It can take a while to accept that you are going to need help to get pregnant. Take the time you need to come to terms with this, but don't delay too much in getting help because the journey can be long enough without unnecessary delays.


Me (32), married to DH (35)

3 years of TTC #1, M/C @ 6wks in May 2013 angel1.gif
Mom to Liliana born May 8 2014 bfinfant.gif
mdcblog5.gif www.babythehardway.com

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#3 of 17 Old 02-01-2013, 07:10 PM
 
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I love this tread idea too!

Just a quickie for now. I found this little website to be very helpful. http://infertility.about.com/od/copingwithinfertility/ss/10-Things-To-Stop-Doing-To-Yourself-If-You-Are-Fertility-Challenged_10.htm

S (35yo) wife to T (36yo) and mamma to my princess M (5/10/10).  After 3 losses in 2012, found an AMAZING doctor and gave birth to baby sister S on 11/12/13.
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#4 of 17 Old 02-03-2013, 08:45 AM
 
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I wish I had known that when I did finally get pregnant, some of the friends that I had a "bond" with so to speak because of my struggles would be very upset with me because it wasn't them. And even more so when secondary infertility was not  an issue with baby #2. :(  (mine was all weight related and I kept the weight off after i had my son) 

That the earlier I started the better- my RE actually commented that I was doing the best possible thing coming in at 27 and a year of trying rather than waiting because the sooner we started the better the outcome was likely to be. 


 
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#5 of 17 Old 02-04-2013, 08:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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ilovetchotchkes, I'm sorry your friendships have been compromised :( Truly, the relationships I have with other women who become pregnant or have children has been one of the biggest challenges for me.

 

No one should be cruel to each other or abandon each other, but at the same time, I'm actually learning to forgive myself for putting a little distance between myself and my pregnant friends. They understandably want to talk about it a lot and it's just really hard for me to hear right now. And I realize now that life is long, and I can be closer with them a little later when I am more ready.

 

A very good friend of mine knows what's going on with me and she told me she was pregnant in the sweetest, most heartfelt email-- saying how unfair it is that we're not both pregnant and how much she loves me and is rooting for me. And since then, she's respected me by opening each email conversation without mentioning her pregnancy and waiting for me to ask how she is feeling (which I always do). She respects that we talk about her pregnancy on my terms because I'm hurting so much.

 

Back to the original point of this thread, I wanted to add something else:

 

if you are going through infertility for trying to have your first child, allow yourself to indulge extra in all the things you love but will have to limit when you have a child. For so long, I didn't make travel plans and didn't drink wine etc etc etc because I was on pins and needles hoping to be pregnant any second. I've stopped doing that and am resuming all the activities I love, and I'm much happier because of it. And this way, when I finally become a mother, I will look back on my last child-free years with fondness instead of resentment.

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Happily married for 5 years. Tried for our first baby 6/2011, got preg right away, and miscarried. Took a 4 month break, and then had nothing but infertility & a few early miscarriages until 12/2012 when we learned I had a lumpy edge in my uterus. Doc removed it and now we are trying again....

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#6 of 17 Old 02-04-2013, 09:29 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daurelia View Post

if you are going through infertility for trying to have your first child, allow yourself to indulge extra in all the things you love but will have to limit when you have a child. For so long, I didn't make travel plans and didn't drink wine etc etc etc because I was on pins and needles hoping to be pregnant any second. I've stopped doing that and am resuming all the activities I love, and I'm much happier because of it. And this way, when I finally become a mother, I will look back on my last child-free years with fondness instead of resentment.

I really agree with this one daurelia! For so long I was depriving myself of so many things and I felt like I wasn't actually living my life, like everything was on pause. There's only so long you can be on pause for though. Now whenever I get a BFN I make a point of doing something I couldn't have done if I was pregnant. After my last BFN I went skiing. Now I'm in between FET cycles so DH and I have booked a vacation to an adults-only resort in Jamaica. It always helps to have something to look forward to even if you get a BFN!

Me (32), married to DH (35)

3 years of TTC #1, M/C @ 6wks in May 2013 angel1.gif
Mom to Liliana born May 8 2014 bfinfant.gif
mdcblog5.gif www.babythehardway.com

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#7 of 17 Old 02-04-2013, 10:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Sourire! That trip to Jamaica sounds like just what the doctor ordered. I totally agree and was exactly the same way for so long. My big thing is travel- I am the kind of person who eats rice and beans every day so I can afford to travel all over the world. But in the last two years I didn't plan any trips because of TTC. That has depressed me so much. I've changed my tune... what's the worst thing that can happen? As long as I don't plan a trip too far in advance, I can still travel even if I get pregnant.

 

Also, my husband and I are trying to get back into enjoying sex for the sake of having sex. We are trying new things and just generally re-claiming our sex life. It's been so good for us. I hope that when I have a baby someday I look back on this time fondly.


Happily married for 5 years. Tried for our first baby 6/2011, got preg right away, and miscarried. Took a 4 month break, and then had nothing but infertility & a few early miscarriages until 12/2012 when we learned I had a lumpy edge in my uterus. Doc removed it and now we are trying again....

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#8 of 17 Old 02-07-2013, 06:00 AM
 
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Losing weight really does help. And it can help A WHOLE LOT! No one wants to tell you to lose the weight, so you have to do it yourself.

Anything works if you stick to it. Weight watchers worked for me or you can just get a free ap and do it on your own.

But just do it. You'll be glad you did.

Married to one of the last good guys left Jim
Mom to AJ 4/07 and Genevieve 5/09

And then: I'm really, really tired of making angels.

But wait, could it really be true?


The whole story at: www.xerxella.blogspot.com
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#9 of 17 Old 02-09-2013, 07:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Xerxella View Post

Losing weight really does help. And it can help A WHOLE LOT! No one wants to tell you to lose the weight, so you have to do it yourself.

Anything works if you stick to it. Weight watchers worked for me or you can just get a free ap and do it on your own.

But just do it. You'll be glad you did.



My doc did! I can't remember what he said, but he said "you need to lose weight" in the nicest humanly possible way. I am friends with his wife and her words after wards were "I wish ALL his patients would listen like you did, they'd all be much happier (more likely to get pregnant) because of it". 

 

I'm pretty sure he said something like "my guess is that if  lose 5-10% of your body weight that you stand a 50% chance of getting pregnant on your own without drugs or IVF. If you want to do it quick, I recommend South Beach or a simliar low carb diet that's balanced" 

Those were really good odds for us because we could not afford IVF. And were in fact paying for all infertility stuff OUT OF POCKET. And whaddya know, it worked a charm! :)


I think i'd also like to tell people going through it, that i'm there for them, i've been there, and its horrible, and I remember only too well, the middle of the night crying jags in the shower because yet another friend had announced a pregnancy on facebook before the pee dried on the pregnancy test. 

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#10 of 17 Old 02-09-2013, 10:11 PM
 
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(I've been lurking here forever, with a different account. Now I'm starting anew.)

 

I wish I'd known the emotional havoc it would wreak. I thought I DID know, but that was only intellectually, you know? I didn't really deeply, emotionally, know how it could tear at my most precious relationships.  How lonely it would feel all the time, how I'd be living my life in two-week increments, how hearing of my friends' pregnancies would make me feel so sad and envious and hate myself for it.

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#11 of 17 Old 02-10-2013, 02:45 AM
 
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Originally Posted by onelittlebird View Post

How lonely it would feel all the time, how I'd be living my life in two-week increments, how hearing of my friends' pregnancies would make me feel so sad and envious and hate myself for it.

I totally went through that. It seemed like everyone I knew was getting pregnant. Even people who "weren't suppose to" and there I was, "healthy" & "young" and nothing.
One of the things that I most took to heart was never ask someone if they are going to have kids or suggest they have kids unless you are really really close with them. This is obviously something I wish everyone followed. So often my friends would get pregnant, share the news and go on and on how my husband and I should have a baby. It was so heart breaking to me. When my MIL died one of her neighbors told me how much she had wanted grand kids and how she talked about it all the time. That was the worst feeling ever. Anyway, I know that people don't mean to be mean or hurtful but it happens.
I guess my advice is never ask anyone about their reproductive status and don't take it to heart when someone ask you. Because they will. A lot especially the longer you are married.
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#12 of 17 Old 02-10-2013, 02:51 AM
 
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Oh and when I was TTC I cried every month when nothing happened. Each time I would tell myself that I wasn't going to cry the next time but I would and then feel bad for doing so. Allow yourself to cry and be upset. It is upsetting and frustrating. Don't add to that by chastising yourself for feeling your feelings. But don't dwell on the negative either. As my mom kept saying to me: "now a days, everyone who wants a baby can get a baby. "
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#13 of 17 Old 10-02-2013, 01:58 PM
 
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I really wish I had found a friend who had also experienced infertility to confide in early on.  For the first year I felt very alone, and really started to believe I was the only one who understood what I was going through.  After reaching out to other women with similar experiences, I finally realized infertility is a LOT more common than society leads us to believe.  Talking with others and sharing experiences has really helped me to have a much more optimistic view of my TTC journey, even if I am still struggling for a clear "reason" why I am not getting pregnant.  

 

Also, I wish I had invested in a better fertility monitor early on.  I started with the cheapest options, and have slowly worked my way up to one of the most expensive monitors on the market.  But in the few months I have been using the OvaCue, I have learned FAR more about the quirks of my cycle than all the other monitors combined.  I wish I had not wasted so many months (and dollars) on the cheap urine-based monitors, because they only tell you if your LH surge has occurred or not.  A more complex monitor can provide so much more information, as well as predict your ovulation date in advance, which has helped a LOT since I am using donor sperm.  

 

Related to that, I wish I had uploaded my chart to the internet sooner, and asked for a second opinion in interpreting the results.  I was so wrapped up in the numbers that I was totally overlooking quirks that other people could see right away.  


DP (37) photosmile2.gif​ and I (28) treehugger.gif have been TTC#1 since 2010.  Currently using fresh sperm from handsome KD#2.  We have dog2.gif dog2.gifdog2.gif and cat.gif cat.gif​ 
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#14 of 17 Old 10-07-2013, 08:55 PM
 
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I am popping in for the first time in a loooong time, but I used to (virtually) live on this board.  I wish had found it earlier in my journey because no one in real life understood and I felt like I could be very open and honest here.

 

I also wish someone had warned me that all manner of fertility drugs make you constipated worse than you ever could have imagined. :)


mama to two DD's, 7 and 3 (3 rounds of IVF and more FET's than I can remember)
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#15 of 17 Old 12-08-2013, 05:50 AM
 
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sorry to hear some misfortune here. should had recommend the articles much earlier. hope this will help the infertile now. Read about infertility and how Pregnancy Miracle can help those who are infertile, have block tubes, history of misscarriages, PCOS, fibriods, low sperm count, TTC in 40s and other fertility problems. all the best!

 

[Moderator note:  Link removed.  Promotion of commercial sites is not permitted.]


Mother of 2, Jasmine, 8 and Elden, 5
 

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#16 of 17 Old 12-09-2013, 10:29 AM
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I spent nearly 6 years doing IF treatments with my own eggs. I wish I had moved on to donor eggs (donor embryos, actually) several years before I did. I guess I needed all that time and IVF/IUI cycles to get my head around the loss of a genetic link to my child, but now that she is here, I know that it doesn't make a bit of difference at all to me. I wish I had been able to do that earlier so that my kids could be closer in age, and I had a chance to have a third child. Now that I am nearing 40, I don't think we will be ttc again. Had I moved on to donor embryos earlier I might have it in me to try for a third with donor embryos.

 

Also, I wish DH and I had known to focus on our marriage as much as I was focusing on IF. We had a rough few years in the middle that could have probably been avoided.

 

I also wish I was brave enough to share my IF journey with others IRL. I know a few people on here who do and I am envious of them. I haven't come clean about it to even my best friends irl. Thank goodness for MDC or I would be so alone.

 

I wish I could smack people who say "just relax" or "be so thankful you don't have two kids" I am not a violent person, but I think in those cases violence would do me some good. :)

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Moving past many years of infertility and always thinking of my friends in the infertility forums.

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#17 of 17 Old 12-14-2013, 04:51 AM
 
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Five things:

 

a wicking sports t-shirt completely rid me of night sweats from the situation drugs.

 

A good comfy sports bra made the a huge difference to progesterone induced breast pain in tww.

 

It made a huge difference to me to be honest with myself and others about my desire for a child.  To read pregnancy/child care books.  To say" unfortunately no " or "that's something that's turned out to be harder than I ever thought possible" when people ask if I have kids.

 

To limit my time around pregnant women and insensitive people but maximise my time around children.

 

There are far worse things than infertility so make the most of the relationships you have.


Missing my dh everyday candle.gif and hoping there is a brighter future for me out there

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