Wanting to have another child and over 40.... Am I being crazy? Help - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 28 Old 02-14-2014, 03:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I never thought I would be in this scenario but now I am slightly over 40 and I still want to birth another child. I had my wonderful boy 3 years ago.When I was younger I always thought when I heard of someone having a child at 43 that that was old and almost selfish that a child would have an older mother. Fast forward with male factor infertility and time passing( breastfeeding and 3 failed FET) my eggs are no longer young. I read that you can be 40 ish and feel great and look great but your eggs will always be your age. Now that I really want to have another child I am contemplating using donor eggs. Is this ridiculous? Am I being selfish in wanting to be a mother again and having a sibling for my son? Do you think my child will resent that his mother is older? What is too old? I want to at least see my children turn 30. Can someone give me some insight???
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#2 of 28 Old 02-14-2014, 06:04 PM
 
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Huge hugs Tracy. hug.gif

I'm actually glad you are thinking of this. I can see what a great mom you are and I think the world needs more children to be parented by you.

Is it selfish? Absolutely not. Would you rather have been born and have you mom die when you're 20 or have never been born? Most people would choose any amount of time being loved over no time.

Besides, none of us know when we're going to die. You could live to be 100 and meet your great-great-grandchildren or you could be in a car accident and die tomorrow. Do you think if you died tomorrow your son would've wished you hadn't had him? Of course not. He'd be grateful for the time you DID have with him.

The average life span is 81, so even if you're average, you'll raise your children and see them off on their own. (And see them have a child at 40).

And the world will have been a better place because you did.

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#3 of 28 Old 02-14-2014, 08:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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@Xerxella thank you for stopping by. I have been struggling so hard lately. I just want another child.thank you for the support and you always know what to say. Well, maybe I will be joining the challenged group soon. But hopefully you will have graduated:)
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#4 of 28 Old 02-18-2014, 04:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Gosh , I can't believe no one else replied. Maybe I am crazy!!!! Crazy or not I am feeling good about this decision and if there is anyone else put there about to use donor eggs please pm me!
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#5 of 28 Old 02-18-2014, 05:48 PM
 
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I had my first baby at 40 and my second at 43, so it doesn't sound ridiculous or selfish to me.  You're only going to be a few years older when you have your second child than you were when you had your first.  If you don't think that was too old, you probably shouldn't feel like a few years older is too old either.

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#6 of 28 Old 02-18-2014, 06:13 PM
 
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My husband and my father were both born to parents in their 40s. My husband will be close to 41 when the one I am pregnant with now will be born. Most of my good friends have larger families and were/are still having babies into their 40s.

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#7 of 28 Old 02-18-2014, 09:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the replies. I appreciate it. I guess I was feeling like I was pushing it with my 2 year old. I am feeling better about it all now.
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#8 of 28 Old 02-26-2014, 03:31 PM
 
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Im 43 and my husband is...drum roll please.......52!!!! And we want a child. I have three adult children from my previous marriage who are supportive of our desire. My eggs are old too and I feel in the best shape of my life! We are on the hunt for donor eggs and a uterus. I dont care if they are one and the same or if the eggs come from one person and then it all gets transferred to another. Its the most bizarre dream to chase too. We have asked family and friends and acquaintances and asked them to think of someone. The hardest part is finding an egg donor that looks like me. Im 5,9" and 140# with blonde hair and blue eyes.
The thing is we are financially set, I retired at 40 after selling my company, and my husband is a senior executive. We can afford this but we cant find anyone who is willing to help.
Could use some support and friends...and if anyone knows someone whose uterus is available...let me know!!..<3
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#9 of 28 Old 02-27-2014, 06:52 AM
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hey! it is ok, there are women who gave birth to the child after 40, you r not crazy don't thinklike this. In the clinic where we were with hubby woman aged 66 gave birth to 2 babies https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=464533173647616&set=vb.438649982902602&type=2&theater

Cheer up!!! 

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#10 of 28 Old 02-27-2014, 07:04 AM
 
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@larajune - Why aren't you using your own uterus with donor eggs?

Married to one of the last good guys left Jim
Mom to AJ 4/07 and Genevieve 5/09

And then:

And THEN twins: Matt 11/14 and his guardian angel Billy 11/18/14 - 11/28/14

Ten days in our lives, a lifetime in our hearts

The whole story at: www.xerxella.blogspot.com
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#11 of 28 Old 02-27-2014, 07:07 AM
 
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@Xerxella I had a hysterectomy following the birth of my youngest child. So, some assembly required for this round

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#12 of 28 Old 02-27-2014, 07:45 AM
 
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I see. If money's not an issue, why don't you contact an agency? That would seem to be the best option. I just googled it and there are a ton. Besides, you'll want to have a lawyer draft up the necessary documents, etc. Most REs have an agency they recommend people to. What does your RE say? Honestly, if you have the money finding a surrogate and donor eggs is easy. Alexis Stewart had at least 2 lined up every month for when she cycled every month.

As far as donor eggs, a random google search came up with tons of tall blondes if that's what you want: https://www.eggdonoramerica.com/par_don_search_results.php https://www.eggdonor.com/egg-donor-database/

Married to one of the last good guys left Jim
Mom to AJ 4/07 and Genevieve 5/09

And then:

And THEN twins: Matt 11/14 and his guardian angel Billy 11/18/14 - 11/28/14

Ten days in our lives, a lifetime in our hearts

The whole story at: www.xerxella.blogspot.com
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#13 of 28 Old 02-27-2014, 08:59 AM
 
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@Xerxella 

First of all, I'm stoked right now!  I have googled and searched multiple egg donor sites as well as infertility clinic data bases and could not find what you just sent me after you're one search!  I'm not exaggerating either.  My husband and I even had a bit of a row over this...ok, a big one, when he made an offhanded remark about how I should not be so picky as to eye color as he has brown eyes and so it wouldn't matter what color the donor's eyes are. I went on a rampage about how he is shaped a bit square, like a linebacker, or a Lego Man (yes I went there) and is no more than 5'10" so why should I care if the donor is slender, long and tall at all?  Then I said IT, I said I'll just pick any egg and see what we get after all, what does it matter as I have really no involvement at all.  Then I burst into tears and walked out of the room, leaving him standing there still in his work clothes with his mouth wide open, speechless. 

 

I swear...even the nurse at the fertility clinic thought I was being too specific whereas I thought it was important for our child to resemble me somewhat. I felt really alone on this. I'd luck to hug you...why didn't I find this one single site??  WOW!!!  She did give me names of attorneys and we would use one to protect everyone involved no matter who it would be. I know it sounds ridiculous...with everyone we are "working with" nobody could find me what you just found.  This has been something I have been doing mostly on my own while everyone has been offering prayers and questioning if I really want sleepless night and cold dinners....I have three adult children, so if they think cold dinner and a lack of sleep is the hard part, they have never met the age 15!!!

 

To answer your question...(my heart is pounding really hard right now)...we wanted it to be someone we knew, someone we trusted from actual knowledge of them or from relative or friend. I initially was concerned about the surrogate eating chips and drinking sodas while pregnant with out child, but then our doctor told me he was more concerned about Hepatitis and HIV, alcohol and tobacco use.  It never occurred to me that someone would do that, naive, I know.  So we got scared.  A surrogate from an agency is the last resort. 

 

Thank you sooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont know what I was doing wrong!  

Lara

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#14 of 28 Old 02-27-2014, 10:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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@Xerxella hey are you not at Disney mama? Are you hijacking the thread? Lol he he I'm kidding. We are also chatting about specifics over here
http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1398067/donor-eggs-to-get-pregnant#post_17579408

You are such a good researcher and knowledgeable!
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#15 of 28 Old 03-03-2014, 07:16 AM
 
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@Xerxella    I  AM SENDING A HUGE CYBER HUG RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The link you sent to me with three possible donor eggs that meet my height, body type, hair color, eye color and nationality was an amazing gift as I could not find it on my own and was going crazy, no sleep, no eating, snapping at people, depressed....

 

SHE SAID YES!!!!!  I GOT AN EGG DONOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her baby pictures look like me, we have the same interests, we both owned businesses int he healthcare, we both got into that industry because we have a deep need to help people...the list goes on. Some people on here get "it" and others are fortunate to never know, and I have fallen into both categories. To find the right person with who your child will carry a genetic link isn't like ordering a pizza.....I CANT BELIEVE IT!!!!  

 

After you sent the link and I found her I got right on it and they contacted her Friday and today I got an answer!

 

Thank you so much @Xerxella !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Now I need a surrogate..........................thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!!

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#16 of 28 Old 03-03-2014, 09:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Glad to hear that!
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#17 of 28 Old 03-05-2014, 03:08 PM
 
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hi, i had my first at 37 and working on a fourth at 44. there is a etc over 40 board as well if you ever want to pop by for a chat.

number 4 might not happen since we have been trying for a year and nothing but a chemical.
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#18 of 28 Old 04-27-2014, 09:49 PM
 
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If you're crazy so am I - LOL!

 

I'm 41, have 3 kids, financially in terrible shape to be considering another, and it looks like I'm most likely in full blown menopause already - stopped having periods last fall suddenly, blood work was well into the menopause range.  We had been playing around with the idea of #4 since DD's birth 6 years ago but never felt like we were in quite the right place to go for it.  I knew, of course, that the decision couldn't be put off forever but didn't expect my window to close quite so soon. 

 

We can't afford fertility treatments or alternatives.  I haven't spent much time looking into whether there is anything that can be done to move forward with my own eggs but after reading this thread I'm curious why you both say your eggs are too old.  Is it just based on your age or some other factor?  I know a lot of women who have given birth with their own eggs after age 40 and had no issues.


Laurie Busy mama to Boo (10/02) DeeDa (10/04) and Belly (10/07) TS 45X
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#19 of 28 Old 04-28-2014, 07:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AquariusHome View Post

If you're crazy so am I - LOL!

I'm 41, have 3 kids, financially in terrible shape to be considering another, and it looks like I'm most likely in full blown menopause already - stopped having periods last fall suddenly, blood work was well into the menopause range.  We had been playing around with the idea of #4 since DD's birth 6 years ago but never felt like we were in quite the right place to go for it.  I knew, of course, that the decision couldn't be put off forever but didn't expect my window to close quite so soon. 

We can't afford fertility treatments or alternatives.  I haven't spent much time looking into whether there is anything that can be done to move forward with my own eggs but after reading this thread I'm curious why you both say your eggs are too old.  Is it just based on your age or some other factor?  I know a lot of women who have given birth with their own eggs after age 40 and had no issues.
I realize that having more children is a common feeling and I am resolved and moving forward. Will you start actively TTC?
My first pregnancy was through IVF.... We already had issues with sperm count:) then I had my beautiful boy in 2011 and breastfeed for a while then used the 9. Frozen embryos we had and they were all a failed attempt. My doctors concluded that while my embryos were and eggs were younger out of a total of 14 eggs only one precious baby. Fast forward 3 years... Well, we know my egg are definitely older now. And sperm is still slow and low smile.gif
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#20 of 28 Old 04-28-2014, 10:16 AM
 
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Sure some women have children in their 40s and a lot use fertility treatments to get those children. But, overall, fertility starts to decline in your 30s and it starts a significant decline at about 37 and fertilty is functionally over (on average) at about 42. Then menopause happens at about 48 - 50ish.

These are averages. You hit menopause at 41 and other women hit menopause at 60. So women who hit menopause at 60 can more easily have a child in their 40s. But that's not the average.

Women should know these things so they can plan their lives properly. Too many women (like you) think there's always more time. But the biological clock, at this poor in modern medicine, can't be beat.

Because once you hit menopause, you can never again give birth to your biological child.

Married to one of the last good guys left Jim
Mom to AJ 4/07 and Genevieve 5/09

And then:

And THEN twins: Matt 11/14 and his guardian angel Billy 11/18/14 - 11/28/14

Ten days in our lives, a lifetime in our hearts

The whole story at: www.xerxella.blogspot.com
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#21 of 28 Old 10-29-2014, 08:39 PM
 
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Hi, I know this is an old thread, but I was in need of some encouragement or something, so I decided to thumb through the threads to see if anything stood out to me. The last comment here is very good. I love how logical it is. And yet it is very discouraging. It's not necessarily surprising about fertility declining with age, but this is exactly where I am and I just don't know how to come to terms with it.

I am 38, turning 39 in December. We have been sort of TTC for almost 3 years. It was almost three years ago, though, that my body started failing me and my cycles went crazy. There were several times when I genuinely thought I must be pregnant because of the severe symptoms I was having. My cycles became very erratic and unpredictable and I was freaking out. After some research, I decided I must be going thru peri menopause. And I guess I still am because no matter what I do, this doesn't get better. I thought I could get my cycles back to normal with progesterone, but I managed to have only one normal length cycle in over 6 months. I don't even know if I am ovulating anymore! And every cycle makes me manic. Not only because of the symptoms, but because I can't get over the want to have another baby.

I fear my time is up. I do not want to go thru fertility treatments, and I am not big on testing, so I may never know if I could truly have another child or not. Part of me wants to be able to move on and just build my life from here with the two children I already have, and part of me wants to keep trying to see what happens. My aunt had her fourth at 40, and my mom thought she was crazy. My cousin is almost due with her third at 39. It's not unheard of and quite frankly, I feel it is a blessing to be able to have a baby later. Maybe what I need is a time of mourning. I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to about it, I'm usually very private with my feelings. Even though I don't know exactly what he is thinking, I am a little afraid to talk to my husband because he seems to be in the stage of life where everything is going so well and I'm sure he cannot even imagine another baby in this house.

Anyway, this might not be the best thread to post this, but there it is.
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#22 of 28 Old 10-29-2014, 10:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wanting to have another child and over 40.... Am I being crazy? Help

@cherryblossom
I know there are a couple of threads that talk about this , I'll post the threads if I find them.
I know the feeling though as I'm the one who originally post this problem. It's a decision that only you can make. Keep trying or process that you will only have the two children you have. It's not easy I know. Have you confirmed peri menopause? Have you gone to a naturopath? There is a great fertility book people are giving some hype to. I'll come back and post that. I say this because I think you said you don't want to do any fertility interventions right? I'm so sorry you are going through this and big hugs. I couldn't let it go personally and my dh and I decided to use donor eggs . We were a bit familiar with the process as we had to go through IVF for our first son because of low sperm count.
Hugs mama.
I'll come back and post he book and if I find those threads that may be able to help you sort out some feelings.
I just sent you a pm



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#23 of 28 Old 10-29-2014, 10:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wanting to have another child and over 40.... Am I being crazy? Help

Post again too if you want to talk or pm me!


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#24 of 28 Old 11-01-2014, 10:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Book: It starts with the Egg.


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#25 of 28 Old 12-01-2014, 07:43 PM
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Tracy: well you know my story. I am turning 41 in a few months. There are some mamas on the donor egg forum that are in their 50s! I tried for 6 years and damn I deserve this baby. I deserve a bonus baby, and so do you! xoxo

Mom to DS 12/07 and DD 11/13, plus a bunch of chickens, dogs, and cats.

Moving past many years of infertility and always thinking of my friends in the infertility forums.

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#26 of 28 Old 12-01-2014, 07:44 PM
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Adding: I still want another baby, btw - not that it is happening... but I still dream. If I had the chance I would do it in a heartbeat, even now that I am over 40.

Mom to DS 12/07 and DD 11/13, plus a bunch of chickens, dogs, and cats.

Moving past many years of infertility and always thinking of my friends in the infertility forums.

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#27 of 28 Old 12-01-2014, 09:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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@rcr yes , you do deserve your baby!!!!! I'm so happy things worked out for you!!!


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#28 of 28 Old Today, 12:48 AM
 
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Children having older mother are blessed ones. Older people have more wisdom and with elder siblings, the child will not suffer in childhood and grow with gaining wisdoms.
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