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FeliciaFlys 04-16-2014 12:19 PM

I have one 3.5 year boy.


My husband and I have been TTC for 21 cycles, more if you count us being undecided in the beginning if we wanted to start trying or not.  We have not been tested YET for any fertility issues, but didn't' have any when we conceived our son.


The more time goes on, the less my husband wants another child, the toddler/preschool age has been really hard on him.  We aren't preventing, obviously, so he isn't at the stage of caring that much about it to prevent.  He tells me that the main reason he wants another one is because he doesn't want to break my heart...since I want another child VERY badly.


So, I've got 2 things going here.

Whatever is going on here with one of our bodies not being able to conceive (or both)

And my husbands lack of desire for another child and random questions that he keeps asking like, "Are you SURE you want more kids, cause I just don't know if I can handle any more."


My husband isn't ready to get tested yet and wouldn't choose to do it if it weren't for me anyway, so we aren't going to do that for at least another 4-6 months.  I feel like I'm in limbo...I don't know if something fixable is going on with our bodies so I have nothing to "DO", if you know what I mean.  If I knew there was an issue, I would work on the issue, get busy with something in that department.  With my husband being on the fence about another child in general, I feel like the indecision is making me crazy!


I feel like it would be easier if he just told me that he doesn't' want any more and that's final.  Because then, I could process it.  I could deal with never having another baby.  If the doctors told me I was un-fixable I could process that too.  How does a person hold out hope for so long?  The hoping feels like agony to me!


I just feel like I'm waiting and waiting and waiting, not knowing what is going on and finding it hard to even cope each month when my period comes.  I HATE the desperation I feel for wanting another child!  Does it ever go away?  I mean, for those women who have 100% chance of never having any/more children, were they ever able to just come to terms with it?  Did it get easier with time?  This hasn't gotten any easier for me and the limbo is just making it worse.  I know women have waited much longer than I for a child, so I am in no way saying my situation is extreme.  


I want that feeling to go away.

I want to enjoy my life in the mean time.

I don't want to feel like this whole baby thing is consuming every joy that I have...


Any advice?

NaturallyMo 04-16-2014 06:57 PM

First, let me give you a hug :Hug I'm going to be honest; as women, especially women that have already had a child, the yearning for another does not go away. It's in our nature and who are we to fight nature. :treehugger Many of us on this thread have been TTC for months, even years with little to no success but we still have hope! Trust your gut when it comes to your body; if you feel like something is wrong, go check it out. Much like you, I have a 5 year that I conceived with no problem (in fact, he was totally unplanned) and here we are, 5 years later, trying for another one for a year now. I thought I had given up my fight, but I haven't. I want that baby. 


As for hubby, I think just so you guys are on the same page, it may be a good idea to just talk about his feelings and why he has apprehensions. It may be an uncomfortable convo but one that needs to happen so that you guys are in agreement on how ot move forward without any resentment.

Xerxella 04-17-2014 05:58 AM

29 Attachment(s)
Hugs to you. Secondary infertility is extremely common. I agree with mo, I don't think that wish for another child will ever go away for you. AND, I think from everything you've said, if you made a firm decision now to never have another child you would regret it later in life.

It sounds like you want someone to make the decision for you, but unfortunately no one can do that. You say your husband's on the fence, but it's clear he's NOT on the fence. He clearly does not want another child, but he's loving enough to have another one if you want another one.

So, in the end the decision is completely up to you (so the indecision is completely yours, too).

If you want one, I think you should go see a doc and have them run some basic tests on you. You can start getting a pile of answers. Maybe having answers will firm up the decision in your head.

Good luck on whatever YOU decide. :hugs

FeliciaFlys 04-17-2014 10:30 AM

Well, we do talk about this subject frequently, weekly AT LEAST...unless I have a break down.


But we did talk again last night and I guess I must have had a mistaken impression about hubby.  When I asked him point blank (as I have before) his answer was different.  He said,  "I DO want more kids, I'm just overwhelmed with this age.  I would hate for our son to be the only one."  I told the husband that I was surprised with his answer cause it seems liked he was just getting further away from the idea of another baby.  But he told me that he just wanted to make sure that "I" did indeed want another baby or if I just felt like I "should" have another one because everyone else around me was.


I do really know I want another...but honestly if it takes a little while, even another year or so, I am okay with that.  I just want to KNOW that I will conceive again...I hate waiting to know...but I feel old (35 this year) and I don't want to be in my 40's having more kid's cause I am already tired at this age!  Anyway, it was good to talk.


And, hubby said he would be willing to go in and get testing done whenever I want, as long as insurance covers it.  I don't have any "gut feeling" about what may be wrong...but sometimes I wonder if it's just stress.  I had anxiety issues a few years back, around the time we were deciding whether or not we were going to try for another.  In any case, I told the Universe, or whomever is listening, that I want a child when we are BOTH ready for one...sometimes I wonder if that is just coming true for us.  Maybe our Being's just "know" that it's not right yet???  I don't know what to think  about that with 15 year old girls getting pregnant, not wanting to and freaking out about it while we all try and want for one and don't get one...


In any case, I guess I am a little scared to get tested.  I don't want them to tell me something bad...but at the same time I hate not knowing...I feel crazy...:bouncy

RRMum 04-28-2014 08:10 PM


I'm not sure if the feeling of wanting another baby will go away, I suppose that is different for everyone.  For me the feeling that I should have a choice seems like it will never go away.  

I second what others said in reply and recommend getting some tests, there are some things the could affect you fertility that could be easy to solve and sometimes help you reap general health benefits. There are also some issues that could have additional health consequences, so it would be nice to know.  


Obviously, I don't know the details of you conversations with your spouse, but it seems he is being pretty open and asking you if you are "sure" that you really want another may just be him trying to understand you, not doubting your sincerity.  I know days with a spirited toddler sometimes make me question having a second - and like you everyone around me has two or three so I also wonder if that affects my desire.  


I fully understand you on the Limbo.  I also have one child and am feeling on the verge of giving up on the second one.  I really can't stand not knowing what our final family size will be.  I'm almost ready to move on, so I can stop always having to "do" something fertility related. 


Good luck and Hugs

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