When to stop trying? - Mothering Forums

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Old 04-28-2014, 03:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What a journey this is for all of us.  I am really starting to wonder if it is time to stop trying, the thing is that I do not know how to recognize it, or what to do to say goodbye to this phase of our life. I've been pregnant 5 times over the last 5 years.  I have one beautiful three year old.  Early this year I found out I have a genetic disorder that is likely contributing to the miscarriages and that my changes of success are much lower that other women my age. More recently I found out that I may be in premature ovarian failure (related to the genetic disorder).  I also have major pelvic prolapse, and it seems that I am entering pre-menopause (I'm 39).  My first pregnancy was rough.  I had a lot of pain, vomiting (for seven months), swelling, and discomfort.  I'm also soon undergoing tests for potential heart and kidney problems (also related to my genetic disorder).  The heart problem (which I may not even have) would make another pregnancy dangerous.  

 

I'm feeling so sick of being prodded and poked, I'm so sick of not knowing our family size, I'm so sick of my relationship with my partner being focused on fertility (not fun or intimacy). Not being able to keep a pregnancy is making me feel so inadequate and like I am a sick person.  I am starting to feel like I want to move on.  I want another child, but I also have always known (somehow) that it might not be in the cards for us so I've had time to mentally prepare for this eventuality.  I think my partner is just now starting to realize this.   We both agree that IVF (we would require a donor egg) nor adoption are for us - those are such personal decisions and I'm glad we are on the same page.  But, when is enough enough?  

 

Have any of you been here?  What did you do?


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Old 04-28-2014, 11:42 PM
 
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you do sound like you have a lot going on. I guess I would agree that your health is first . I'm sorry .(hugs) Well, when is enough enough? I dunno but I have seen many threads( including one I started a while back here) asking when to be resolved . I believe some of us want and are mothers through our hearts and souls and it runs deep to think it has to stop( giving birth). I had my son through IVF. In 2011.We never had a Chance to have our son through natural conception because of low sperm count. My son is my greatest gift. I have so much love for him and so much love to give another child. Because of this we are using donor eggs ( I got older while breastfeeding and enjoying my baby and my eggs got older too).
So when is enough enough? I dunno, I guess it is different for all of us. I do think though it is good that you are processing your feelings and possibly coming to terms with what you think is enough. Hugs again. Sorry to ramble.
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Old 04-29-2014, 11:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks tracyamber - for the "ramblings" it makes this less lonely :).  Hugs to you too. 


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Old 04-29-2014, 12:13 PM
 
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Only you know the answer to that question. It's certainly a hard one. Your personal health problems are certainly something you'll have to take into consideration.

But, for me.... You can see my signature. And, I'll be 39 in June. I've come to terms that our family may be complete. And, that's ok. BUT, we'd really like another baby. So, TTC has become sort of a hobby. I know that sounds wierd, but it's the same way that some people go antiqueing (or whatever). So, they go out a few times a month and try to find that item that's worth a ton of money. They spend time on research and the activity itself. They have some sort of budget for their hobby and they enjoy it. They hope to find that one great find the same way I hope to find that "golden egg." I know the odds are against me. But, I'm comfortable just continuing to try against the odds.

I hope whatever you decide you can find peace with your decision.

Married to one of the last good guys left Jim
Mom to AJ 4/07 and Genevieve 5/09

And then: I'm really, really tired of making angels.

But wait, could it really be true?


The whole story at: www.xerxella.blogspot.com
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Old 07-22-2014, 09:02 AM
 
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I have been wondering about this for several days. Due to a cerclage on my cervix, and trouble with my husband's sperm, it looks like we are moving on to IVF. But I am already having lots of bad reactions to the hormones on an IUI cycle, which are making it hard for me to function. I have an almost 6 year old daughter who needs a lot of attention. I don't know if I would want another child so much if I had not lost my in a late miscarriage/stillbirth. I know another baby would not replace him, but it might help with our family's healing. And I want my daughter to have a sibling. I would be happy to adopt (my brother is adopted) but my husband is not on board--he worries he would not be able to bond with a child who is not biologically his. I can't force him to feel differently. So it seems that my only option is to go through all of these treatments. Can I be a good mother to my daughter if I spend months feeling awful? Will I be able to go back to school as planned? I have had to consider for the first time that it may not be possible for me to to have another child. I feel like this will be another loss, in addition to Nico. I just don't know.

Aimee, mom to Mirah b. 08/09/08
and my angel, Nico, , lost to us at 19 weeks gestation, 12/27/12
Longing for our rainbow
Pregnant again after IVF, EDD July 6, 2015!
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Old 07-28-2014, 11:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by radiowave View Post
I have been wondering about this for several days. Due to a cerclage on my cervix, and trouble with my husband's sperm, it looks like we are moving on to IVF. But I am already having lots of bad reactions to the hormones on an IUI cycle, which are making it hard for me to function. I have an almost 6 year old daughter who needs a lot of attention. I don't know if I would want another child so much if I had not lost my in a late miscarriage/stillbirth. I know another baby would not replace him, but it might help with our family's healing. And I want my daughter to have a sibling. I would be happy to adopt (my brother is adopted) but my husband is not on board--he worries he would not be able to bond with a child who is not biologically his. I can't force him to feel differently. So it seems that my only option is to go through all of these treatments. Can I be a good mother to my daughter if I spend months feeling awful? Will I be able to go back to school as planned? I have had to consider for the first time that it may not be possible for me to to have another child. I feel like this will be another loss, in addition to Nico. I just don't know.
Hi there,
If your heart is set on expanding your family, then I would suggest to research as much as possible and if you are able then to speak with a fertility specialist.
There are so many options when it comes to IVF and IUI with different hormonal treatments available.
I had 2 completely different IVF treatments this year, unfortunately I miscarried with the first ivf cycle, however I am now 19 weeks pg

Despite both treatments being different for each cycle, I still only ended up with the same amount of eggs to be fertilised (1egg due to low fertility). The first treatment course was a full hormone therapy plan, with high dose injections of Menopur everyday and with the second cycle I just took a low dose tablet once a day (serophene). So although one hormone therapy may not work for you, then another might be an option for you. Best of luck s
Delia :smile

*******Feeling blessed******IVF Success****** Darling baby boy is due in Dec 2014*****
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Old 07-28-2014, 11:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by RRMum View Post
What a journey this is for all of us.  I am really starting to wonder if it is time to stop trying, the thing is that I do not know how to recognize it, or what to do to say goodbye to this phase of our life. I've been pregnant 5 times over the last 5 years.  I have one beautiful three year old.  Early this year I found out I have a genetic disorder that is likely contributing to the miscarriages and that my changes of success are much lower that other women my age. More recently I found out that I may be in premature ovarian failure (related to the genetic disorder).  I also have major pelvic prolapse, and it seems that I am entering pre-menopause (I'm 39).  My first pregnancy was rough.  I had a lot of pain, vomiting (for seven months), swelling, and discomfort.  I'm also soon undergoing tests for potential heart and kidney problems (also related to my genetic disorder).  The heart problem (which I may not even have) would make another pregnancy dangerous.  
 
I'm feeling so sick of being prodded and poked, I'm so sick of not knowing our family size, I'm so sick of my relationship with my partner being focused on fertility (not fun or intimacy). Not being able to keep a pregnancy is making me feel so inadequate and like I am a sick person.  I am starting to feel like I want to move on.  I want another child, but I also have always known (somehow) that it might not be in the cards for us so I've had time to mentally prepare for this eventuality.  I think my partner is just now starting to realize this.   We both agree that IVF (we would require a donor egg) nor adoption are for us - those are such personal decisions and I'm glad we are on the same page.  But, when is enough enough?  
 
Have any of you been here?  What did you do?
Unfortunately this is a decision that only you can make, as you really need to be at peace with it, however you decide.
We had been TTC for years and after large surgeries on my uterus, I was due to have my tubes and ovaries removed on the last surgery. In the end my surgeon decided to leave them in for now to save me going on HRT at my age (35 at the time). We were told that ivf MAY be an option but due to stage 4 endometriosis I had severe uterine scarring and Fibriods, so the doctors warned me not to be too hopeful.
Ivf is very expensive here and so we did not think it would be possible to go down that route and my husband is not too partial to the idea of adoption either. Luckily my dh's parents new our heartfelt desire for a child and offered to loan us the money for ivf. Unfortunately I miscarried with the first cycle and we thought that would be it and we would have to finally give up trying, as our last resort had failed. We couldn't afford another ivf cycle as it's 7,400 per go here. Then the doctor tells us about a cheaper treatment available at a quarter the price, that would probably give us the same number of eggs as the previous full hormone therapy that we did (as I only had 1 egg to be fertilised due to low fertility). I am now 19 weeks pg and so so happy that we didn't give up.
It sounds like you may have made up your mind and if that brings you peace, then I think you have already found your answer. Don't let anybody sway you, it's something so personal. What ever your decision, I wish you peace and happiness......best of luck
Delia

*******Feeling blessed******IVF Success****** Darling baby boy is due in Dec 2014*****
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