Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: San Antonio, TX
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I do not know how much this will help you, but it helped me a lot so I thought I would share. I had so many people tell me I needed to "let go and let God" or "think positive and it will happen." I had friends get pregnant and offer me their "baby JuJu" like they could magic a baby for me. I have to be honest and acknowledge that I am very much not the type of person to let go and let anyone do anything that I can do myself. So I owned that. I am currently in my second stimulation- my husband has low T with associated male factor infertility. I have an amh of .65 at 32 and rheumatoid arthritis, which further complicates my IVF. Knowing why doesn't make anything any easier than when we did not know why, but it does give me the power to control the things I can- what I eat, my activity levels, being mindful of each moment as a beautiful thing in itself, loving my husband, how my medications are organized, the people I choose to have in my life, whether or not I put on real pants that day.
I cannot change the fact that we are infertile, nor that I need to go through IVF to have any chance of conceiving. I read the statistics before I ever started my first cycle (which was cancelled during stimulation due to non-response by my ovaries- I did end up with three months of cysts though) so I know that I am likely to have to go through 3 frozen cycles to get near 60% chance of having a live birth and that for me the number may be significantly lower for live birth versus pregnancy because the RA may increase my risk of complications. All I can do is what I can do.
When I need to, I cry about it. When I need to, I make jokes about it. Sometimes I calmly but firmly refuse to talk about it. Sometimes I mention it casually in conversation because it happens to be relevant to the topic at hand and it is just a fact of my life right now. I just try to be aware of where I am mentally and what I am feeling and to honor that for myself, and for my husband who has always dreamed of being a father and is, I think, struggling with this more than I am. This sounds really zen but I assure you that sometimes that has meant allowing myself be very, very angry, or absolutely devastated or almost manically hopeful. I try to temper my more extreme moods in their expression to mitigate collateral damage but if I feel it, its ok. Just be kind to yourself. I know it is hard to hear but there may never be an answer as to why and sometimes we do not get happy endings. Keeping that in mind and reminding myself that it is nonetheless up to me what I do with my life, what meaning it has and what I contribute to the world has been my biggest help.
I hope that everything works out for you and you are able to live the dream you have of motherhood. Internet hugs.