My personal curse - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 03-06-2006, 01:53 PM - Thread Starter
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I suppose we all have them. Those "long lasting issues" that haunt us. Mine is rearing up in a huge way right now. I've known since I was about 9 years old that I'd probably never get pregnant, and if I did, the chance of ever carrying to term was zero on a stellar day.

I got pregnant when I was 20, and had a beautiful baby boy just after turning 21. It was my only chance. It could never happen again- shouldn't have happened then. After a series of events into which I will not go, I gave him up for adoption. I lost more than my child that day (a pain so deep there aren't words in the American language to even BEGIN to describe).... I also lost hope.

I had 3 miscarriages after that. One of them, I carried the baby, dead inside me, for 4 weeks waiting for the doctor appointment for the DNC. It is an unspeakable horror. When the doctor looks at you and tells you, "There is no heartbeat, the baby's dead," something falls apart inside you.

I would give anything to have another child, but so many doctors have told me it's virtually impossible. And each time my period comes late (and it happens a lot), I spend the days agonizing, hoping against the simple reality of what I know... can I hope for another miracle? The answer, of course, is always "No." Yet, each time, I find myself hoping... the irritability is hope! I think I felt nauseous! My breasts hurt! It COULD be this time!

And, inevitably, the blood flows, cleansing me of hope as it cleanses me of uterine lining. And each time, I find myself weeping because I miss something that wasn't even there. I find myself staring at the blood and hating being a woman. Hating the false hope of an unstable cycle.

And today, on the 37th day since my last period, and still having not had one... I find myself doing it to myself all over again. Just like I did in January. Telling myself that my emotional state is a sign. My sore breasts are a sign (again this month). Telling myself that feeling weak and dizzy is a sign (again this month). And begging myself to stop, to accept the truth that it can never happen.

I feel my period wavering, trying to come. But I still do this to myself. The lying, the false hope. The tears and the pleading. And I know that even if I am pregnant, all that will mean is months of false hope before it all comes pouring out in a great painful gout of blood.

And naturally, everyone around me is pregnant that can be, it seems like. 3 girls in the office (not counting the one that gave birth 2 months ago). People on forums I go to. At the mall. I am happy for them. And I envy them.

My grandmother called the "womanly flow" the "Curse." When I was 18, I went to the doctor and told him, "I haven't gotten the Curse yet," and he said, "You haven't gotten your period??" I responded, "Well of course I have, I just haven't gotten the curse yet!" How wrong I was. Oh yes, my grandmother called it the curse...

At last, I understand why.

Thanks for letting me vent.
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#2 of 8 Old 03-07-2006, 08:09 PM
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#3 of 8 Old 03-08-2006, 01:58 PM
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I am so sorry. Your post is so elequent- I feel your pain. I wish so much that there was something helpful I could say.

Laura, Mama to Mya 7/02, Ian 6/07 and Anna 8/09
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#4 of 8 Old 03-10-2006, 12:16 AM
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Hi Armis,

I can really relate to your story. I was told at a young age, 18, that I would likely never have kids. I had a pretty rare birth defect that caused a septum to grow separating my uterus in half. What made it rare was that I also had a vaginal septum, so for me even getting my period and wearing tampons was a a challenge. Many years and surgerys later, I have one uterine cavity and the elusive "hope" of being able to have and carry a baby is there.

But, my truth is that after all of the procedures I've had 2 miscarriages and I'm feeling more than a little hopeless. My friends all have babies. In fact they have lots of babies. It seems no one stuggles to get pregnant, and our family parties are fuller and fuller. Do you know that my husband has 23 nieces and nephews? It's like a baby farm! And I feel trapped in my little world where babies are like water slipping through my fingers.

My last miscarriage was very recent, and I'm sure I sound a little bitter and resentful. I am. And I'm so unbelieveably sad about it all. I want to keep a stiff upper lip, and I do for the most part, but I also struggle to understand why? Why is this so hard? I can't believe I have two little angels in heaven- it's heartbreaking. In my worst moments I feel like, "I would be a good mommy, I'm loving and giving and really want a baby." But the reality is that it may never happen. How do you acknowledge that truth with the desire that is also so powerful?

I try to be a realist- it's the damn hope that kills me. And having a miscarriage, and watching that little angel leave my body is just heartbreaking.

Tonight I'm just plain sad. I have a good life, a good job, and a husband who adores me. I just wish that felt like it was enough.

Hang in there, as painful as the hope is, I think until we give up the ghost and adopt, that we have to be honest about our truth. I wish you peace of mind, and a good, restful sleep.

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#5 of 8 Old 03-10-2006, 12:48 AM
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I can relate to a lot of what you posted. I, too, had been told that I would never carry a child to term. My cycles were incredibly wacky (going as long as 9 months with no period) and usually annovulatory. I also have a bicornuate/septate uterus. I've dealt with infertility for years. Been to 5 different doctors. Had a m/c in 2002, was scheduled for surgery to try and repair my uterus in early 2003 and found out I was pg with my miracle son. I kept waiting for tragedy. I didn't m/c, so I expected ptl. That didn't happen and by 35 weeks or so I finally started to believe that this would truly happen. My ds was stillborn at 38 weeks. My doctor spoke the exact same words as yours, "There is no heartbeat." So much for that hope. Gone in an instant when I least expected it. My grief was too much to bear at times. More fertility treatments, more heartbreak, and then another miracle. This little miracle is sleeping in the next room right now. I am blessed beyond belief every day by him, yet I still cry every day for the son I lost.

I totally know what you mean when you write
And naturally, everyone around me is pregnant that can be, it seems like. 3 girls in the office (not counting the one that gave birth 2 months ago). People on forums I go to. At the mall. I am happy for them. And I envy them.
Except I'm usually not happy for them. I am incredibly jealous. Even now.

Maybe that doesn't make sense, and I wouldn't blame you if you resent my writing, because I DO have a child to hold. But I truly wanted to let you know that there is hope for you. I completely understand if you don't feel it. But miracles really do happen in this world. None of us would choose a life of infertility, infant loss, placing children for adoption, etc. But this is what we have been dealt. Even on our best days it is sometimes incredibly difficult to rise up and continue on this path, but we do. I obviously don't know any more about you than what you wrote, but the fact is you DID carry a child to term. It CAN happen again. I'm sorry. You're probably sick of hearing that. I always hated it when someone would say "you will have a child some day." I mean, they don't KNOW that. I guess what I want to say is that hope really is all we have. If you can't hang on to hope, try to tuck just a little piece away somewhere. I'll hold it for you if you want.

Proud mom to superhero.gifds2 (7/05), angel2.gif ds 1 (born into heaven at 38 weeks 11/03), and 5 more angels angel.gif (4/02) angel.gif (7/10) angel.gifangel.gif (11/10) angel.gif (11/12)

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#6 of 8 Old 03-10-2006, 12:57 AM
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s Amris (and everyone else who shared.)

I also feel the pain, but cannot express it as fluently as you did. Please know you are in my thoughts...
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#7 of 8 Old 03-14-2006, 08:04 PM
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I'm so sorry. I struggle with jealousy, anger, bewilderment (why me) and all of that as well and I do have 2 children. I had a loss last year as well. It does seem like everyone around me is pregnant. And sometimes those people that are pregnant shouldn't be pregnant (unplanned prenancy or inability to provide financially or emotional instability, etc). It makes me ask "why?", when I am opening my heart, arms, home, etc. to as many children as God gives me and for whatever reason, it's just not happening and "those" people can just try one time (or not even be trying) and get pregnant. It's frustrating. I'm sorry.
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#8 of 8 Old 03-16-2006, 11:57 PM
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I'm so sorry. I completely understand the envy (and in fact, I agree with the PP who said she's not actually happy for them - I'm not either.) Many hugs, and know that some of us do actually "get" it.

crafty mama to Chloe and Emma (10/08) and Piper
emergency medicine PA and single mother by choice
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